Hi, my name is Troy. Here are my comments, which shouldn't be taken seriously unless they're
actually helpful, which would certainly be a surprise to me.

Anyhow, firstly, I wanna say it's always a pleasure to see an Aishuu 'HnG' fic.

<snip>

When Shindou Hikaru passed me by, I knew it was time
to quit.

I've always had a talent for Go, and I loved the game.
There was something about the patterns the stones
formed on the board, watching it take shape that I
fascinated me. It was logical, and I could see it
emerging beneath my fingertips. There was a thrill to
knowing I created the mosaic, and with my opponent, I
could create a shape that would declare me superior.

There was something about the patterns the stones formed on the board, watching it take shape

that I fascinated me.

Do you mean, 'that fascinated me.'?

I began playing I was six. It wasn't particularly
because I enjoyed the game, but because my father
adored it. My father had been an insei in his day, but
he had never quite been good enough. There is a
difference between someone who is �quite good� and
someone who is exceptional.

I began playing when I was six.

I notice 'smart quotes' are turned on - a Microsoft Word AutoCorrect option: ��. It's better to
leave them off when posting to the list, as there are a significant number of browsers and
programs that don't support MS Word features, showing its special fonts and characters as blobs
instead as what you may want it to show.
 

I learned that the hard way.

From the beginning, I was better than my father had
ever been. I was strong, strong enough to win the
Young Meijin Tournament at nine, and then become an
insei at eleven. Go became my world, and I learned to
love it. It made sense in a crazy world, something I
could control. I may have lost games occasionally, but
at least I could accept the blame for my own actions.

Becoming an insei was a natural step. I could see the
road before me; I would spend a few years honing my
skills, then past the pro exams. I knew better than to
dream of taking a title, since I recognized that I
didn't have the sheer genius of the true masters, but
I was better than most. I could see myself becoming a
6 or 7-dan and making a comfortable living. I was a
realist - I would never be a player of legend.

six or seven-dan

I clawed my way through the second class, defeating
some of my opponents but taking losses as well. The
students were more talented than the old men I had
played in the salons, and it was hard to earn a place.
I bounced around the top ten slots, not quite managing
to enter the first class, but I knew it was only a
matter of time. Shinoda-sensei never discouraged me,
the way he did other insei who would never amount to
anything, so I continued to plod along.

<snip>

It was about six months after Isumi had entered, and I
had just lost again to him. Mashiba waited for Isumi
to rise to record his win before making his way over
to me. We had cleared the board after discussing it,
but I was still reviewing the game in my head, trying
to figure out where I had gone wrong.

Mashiba came over, smiling at me. There was something
about it that was unpleasant, but I was still lost in
thoughts of Go. �It�s annoying, isn�t it?� he said to
me. He sank down across from me, leaning forward to
stare at the empty goban. �Sometimes you just really
want to see some people shaken up...�

Elipses terminating a sentence need four periods, not just three.

I wasn't really paying attention to Mashiba. �Hmmm...�

�You�re pretty good, Iijima-kun. I bet you�ll be one
of the top qualifiers this year.�

That grabbed my attention. I wavered in the top ranks
constantly, and for him to say that to me was
flattering, but made my suspicions rise. 

He wanted something.

�Thanks,� I said cautiously. He was lying through his
teeth; I was barely holding onto the twelfth place. 

Semi-colons always seem a bit too much for prose - it's better to just use a period, or in certain
cases, rewrite.

I was barely holding onto the twelfth place.

Sounds a bit 'rocky', maybe using something like, 'I was barely holding onto twelfth place.' may
help to 'steady' it?

�You know, some people seem to always be coming in
first, though. Isn�t it a bit unfair?�

<snip>

I smiled at her and agreed, but I wondered. Isumi was
too kind, and that kindness made him vulnerable to
people like Mashiba, who were utterly ruthless. 

Not long after we faced the insei exams again, and I
finally understood what genius was. 

That was the year Touya Akira took the exams, and the
way he blew through them was almost insulting. He
missed the very first day, but seemed utterly
unconcerned at taking the loss. I played him in the
seventh game, and he totally dominating, obliterating
anything I tried with ease.

he totally dominated,
or
he was totally dominating,

That morning, I was nervous. I had won three games,
but lost three as well. I knew I couldn�t afford to
drop many more, but facing Touya was almost a
guaranteed loss. It was something I wasn�t looking
forward to... but in a weird way, I wanted to play
him. If nothing else, I would be able to see for
myself what made the much-vaunted Meijin�s son so
special.

It was raining outside that day, not so unusual, but
it seemed like a portent. The foul weather seem to
match my luck - he won black, and statistical
probabilities indicate black wins more often that
white, even with komi.
My luck did not change from there.

Are those two separate paragraphs?

I studied him after he placed the first move on the
upper left star, amazed at his composure. I had
decided to begin with a basic fuseki, something I
could do in my sleep. I wanted to have a good
influence on the board, knowing that if I didn�t, I
would have to play aggressively, and that Touya Akira
would probably block me at every turn.

It was short, too short. He only waited for us to get
twenty hands into the game before he began to attack
my shape. I wasn�t expecting it so soon.

Touya�s face was intent as he took the upper left with
a well-played hand. I fought valiantly to keep him
from encroaching on the right side, but he easily cut
through my weak attempts at making eyes as though he
was swatting aside a fly.

Sixty hands into the game, I knew I was going to lose,
and lose badly. My shape was poor, and his was
beautiful. I hadn�t played terribly, but he had played
on a plane far beyond anything I could hope to grasp.

�I resign,� I told him, bowing my head as I tried to
swallow the bile in my throat.

�Thanks for the game,� he replied.

I wonder if he meant it. I hadn�t even challenged him.
As I watched him rise to record the win, I stared at
my hands, realizing that this year, I would not be
passing the pro exams.

Playing Touya is why I think Isumi failed the pro
exams that year. It was the tenth game when they met,
and Isumi was still unbeaten - and then they played.

He broke.

Touya forced him to resign, and while I know that
Isumi was probably intellectually prepared for the
loss, it was hard for him emotionally to be pulverized
by a boy who was twelve years old. Isumi didn�t have
that time to recover - in the eleventh game, he played
the other strong outsider, while the thirteenth was
Mashiba.

There are some hurdles that are placed before us, as
players, and some people use those to get stronger.
Shindou and Waya are like that; Isumi is not. He needs
space to curl up and lick his wounds before he can
grow.

Hmm.... I think it may be better to remove Waya's name from this example, as it's a bit
distracting - if he were described by Iijima throughour the fic as Shindou, Mashiba, and such are,
it'd be all right. However, seeing as this is the one and only time he's mentioned, it's a
slightly distracting loose end.

Isumi just wasn�t able to put his losses behind him,
and after losing against Mashiba, he completely fell
apart. He finished with a respectable twenty wins and
six losses, but he should have done much better. Maybe
he was realizing the same thing I was - that some
people simply shine far brighter than we can ever hope
to. 

<snip>

I almost said I was fine, and brushed her off, but
Nase deserved the truth. �He�s good, Nase,� I said.
�He makes some dumb mistakes, but he�s strong enough
to make up for it.�

�Fukui�s level?� she asked.

�Around there,� I agreed. �If he gets his head on
straight. He keep glancing at his side, which was a
bit rude... his focus needs work. He�s going to get
better.�

'He keep' should probably be 'He kept'

<snip>

A good, solid read. Few, if any, comments had to be made, and those are merely personal issues.

Am looking forward to future reads.

=====
My scribblings are found at my webpage:
http://ca.geocities.com/troythomas1/

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