Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 1 A life in review

Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess
characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.

By Bill Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by
Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me
descend into the depths of madness. Wait... Hadn't that already happened?


--------------------------------------------------------------------



Niflheim was not the place most people thought it was. Yes, there were pools
of lava and brimstone in the public baths, but those needed to be reserved a
few days in advance if a patron wanted to make sure they got the really warm
spots. Aside from the studios where they filmed the "Teletubbies" and the
"Police Academy" movies, Niflheim wasn't that bad a place at all, that was,
if one didn't mind the loud angst filled screaming or the bitter cold.

Tall futuristic looking skyscrapers dotted the snow covered landscape of
this plane of hell. Numerous streets were filled with demons that wandered
around doing those things that demons do when they're not plotting world
domination. Tallest of all the buildings was the home of the Demon Council,
the inner circle of the demon elite, and at the top of that tower was the
throne room of the current master of the plane of Niflheim, Hild.

She was the dark skinned, white haired demoness that ruled Niflheim. Wearing
form fitting, yet very revealing robes, she sat on her throne on a raised
dais surrounded by thousands of small demons that handled all of the
paperwork that needed to be filled out, filed and cheerfully ignored. Most
of the work was boring, tiresome and downright unnecessary, but it served a
deeper purpose. Hellish useless labor caused untold suffering among the
workers and the pointless paper shuffling kept her minions' spirits
depressed and broken. It was the model white collar office system, often
imitated but never duplicated. Many pointy-haired demon bosses that made
their homes on Earth, came to visit to learn from Hild's wisdom and apply
what they have learned to promote suffering among the white collar office
workers under their command on Midgard.

Taking a moment away from her happy thoughts of corrupting another human
soul, Hild sipped from her wine glass and licked away the last drops of
blood from the rim, savoring the flavor. Life was good. Happily, she tapped
a few keys on the keyboard in her throne's armrest and read the latest
status report from her field agents. Her spirit lifted further as she was
pleased with her minions' progress in the plane of Midgard. All over the
Earth, there were places of unrest, strife and just plain nastiness. The
number of people who thought professional wrestling was a real competitive
sport was at an all time high. Another Adam Sandler film was in production,
guaranteeing that movie audiences will be experiencing more agony and the
instruction on the use of witchcraft to the world's children through Harry
Potter lore was proceeding nicely.

She gave a toothy grin, just showing a hint of her fangs, as she felt the
waves of evil and darkness that came from the hearts of millions of human
souls. "Yes..." She relished in the dark power. "More evil... I can feel
it... Huh?" A spike in the levels of evil she sensed gave her a warm toasty
feeling. It was the same feeling of bliss she felt when Mt. Vesuvius blew
its top so many centuries ago. This particular felling, while good to her
soul, was odd yet familiar, like she had felt it before. Usually such events
gave her a gentle tingling, filling her mind with images of vampiric bunnies
and black thorny roses dripping with blood, but this one had a tinge of
delightful foreboding laced within it. It excited her that in the first time
in ages, she was going to explore a new kind of evil. She sat up straight in
her regal chair and focused her attention on a spot on the main island of
Japan near the southernmost shore close to the city of Tokyo. She held her
gaze there, not wanting to miss another spike and bask in its glorious
darkness.

Then, she felt it. A cold dark bitter perverted evil, one she had sensed
through from time to time but couldn't pin down. Now was her chance to
locate and possibly exploit this wonderful sensation by tapping directly
into the source. She mused aloud, alerting her minions that something was
afoot. "What's this glorious evil I sense?" Rapidly typing commands into her
terminal, she zoomed in the images to see what was the source of this great
power. Her first stop was the Japanese Parliament building where many
politicians were arguing about tax rates. She smiled as she watched the
politicians reach for large blunt objects to throw at one another. "Ah,
democracy in action," she whispered. She felt waves of distrust and
suspicion radiating from the growing barroom brawl on the Diet floor.
"Plenty of corruption there, no need to improve upon perfection, but..." She
quickly pressed more keys and increased the scanner's sensitivity. She
wasn't going to let the evil get away from her this time.

All around her, the worker demons were breaking out in sweat. Some quietly
put down the papers they were shuffling to make a hasty exit. Others were
concentrating their power to run interference with their master, lest she
found out what everyone had been hiding from her for centuries. They all
backed away from their leader as she called out in glee. "Now who is THIS?"


========================================



"What a haul!" Happosai, the pint sized three hundred year old perverted
founding master of the Anything Goes school of martial arts, hopped on the
lip of the stone fence that surrounded the front of Furinkan High School. He
wore a thief's mask and carried over his shoulder a large black laundry bag
filled to the brim with girl's gym shorts. A crowd of schoolgirls streamed
out of the girls' locker room in hot pursuit of the aged dwarf. Leading the
crowd was the tomboy, and fiancee to Ranma Saotome, Akane Tendo.

"Give those back!" Akane held her bokken in front of her as she ran, ready
to strike the little creature down from the wall. She was angry that her
father was too spineless to do anything about her families' evil house guest
and he again was up to his old habit of making off with her friends'
underwear.

"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed the little gnome as he bounced along the wall. "I've
rescued these silky darlings from you! I'm not going to give them..." His
forward motion was stopped when his face impacted on the sole of a slipper.

Attached to the footwear was Ranma Saotome, martial artist and part-time
girl due to an ancient Chinese curse. He nonchalantly pushed the old man
backwards with his foot. He stood on the wall in a casual pose, looking
bored as the same stuff, different day routine kept up its course. "Up to
your old tricks again, eh?"

Happosai looked away in annoyance. "You just got lucky." He patted his black
laundry bag to see if he had lost any of his precious cargo. "I've got what
I came for and there's nothing you can do about it. I only let you strike
me, and you can be certain that you won't land another blow, punk."

Ranma confidently smirked as he waited a moment to let Akane and the
Happosai appreciation squad get closer. "Okay, how about this?" He reached
into his orange Chinese shirt and yanked out a handful of bras. "Bra-Fu!"

Happosai's eyes got wide in bliss as his gaze followed the lovely bounty
that filled the air. Then his lights went out with a precise strike to the
head. His inert body flew off the wall toward the pavement below only to be
intercepted by Akane's bosom.

"ARGH!" The young Tendo used her staff to pry off the tightly attached lump
on her chest, flinging Happosai across the schoolyard. As bras rained down
from Ranma's previous attack, the girl shouted to her fiancee, "Those had
better not be mine!"

"Why would I want your underwear for?" Ranma shrugged, then plucked a few
bras from the air and stuffed them back into his shirt.

Akane's eyebrow twitched for a moment, as she wondered why Ranma carried a
set of bras with him. Before she had a chance to ask Ranma to explain
himself, a scream was heard from across the yard.

"Hotcha!" Happosai flew, arm forward like Superman toward Yuka. The girl
curled up and kept screaming as the living terror approached. Ranma,
reacting to Yuka's cry of fright, jumped off of the wall to intercept the
flying nightmare and landed on the pervert's head, cratering him into the
concrete.

The old man was down, but not out. He shouted as a small paper ball with a
lit fuse appeared in his hand, "Happo-Daikarin!" A blast from the
firecracker sent Ranma skyward and he flew up and over the main school
building, out of sight. Happosai dusted himself from the soot and black
powder residue from the explosion he had caused. Sneering in the direction
of Ranma's departure, the defiant old man spoke, "Nice try Ranma! But you'll
never beat me! Never, you hear me! Never!" He turned to glare at Akane who
glared hatefully back. His eyes went childlike and he wept like a toddler.
"Let me bury my sorrows, in your bosom!" He leapt toward the two mounds of
flesh on Akane's chest that beckoned him.

Akane held her bokken out with both hands across her breasts, using the
weapon like a shield. The inhuman being grabbed it, swung around like a
gymnast and flew over her head, and right toward the startled face of
Sayuri. The poor girl covered her chest in a hopeless attempt to protect her
body from his evil touch. "EEK!" She screamed and closed her eyes, not
wanting to see what was about to happen to her.

"Sweeto!" Happosai changed direction in mid-flight as he saw a new and more
attractive target, the bare glistening wet chest of Ranko Tendo.

"Sweeto this, you ol' fool!" The just turned female after a dousing with
cold water martial artist stuck out her foot to meet the path of the old
fossil. She followed up with an elbow to his back and a fist to his
shoulder. She hated using the name Ranko Tendo, but if her mother ever found
out that Ranko the girl and Ranma the boy were the same person, she'd be
missing her head after a strike from the elder woman's katana.

Despite being used as a punching bag, Happosai was pleased. "You became a
girl for me? How thoughtful of you." He reached out and tried to put the
touch on someone, female of course.

"I'm a girl 'cause I landed in the swimming pool you ol' goat!" She covered
up her breasts that she had used as bait by lowering her shirt back down.
She jumped in the air and planted her feet on Happosai's head, pinning him
down and releasing his ill gotten loot. She grabbed the bag that lay next to
the freak and lifted it high over her head to keep it out of his reach.

"Why'd you hit me so hard?" Happosai cried out in crocodile tears as he
rubbed the parts of his bald head that weren't covered by Ranko's drenched
slippers.

Holding out the laundry bag filled with the gym shorts he had stolen from
the Furinkan Girl's locker room, Ranko shouted at the little pervert the
obvious answer. "Because you're a pervert and a thief and you deserve
worse!" Behind her, a mob of extremely pissed high school girls gathered,
armed with brooms, sticks, bokkens, chainsaws and things that make you go
boom.

The Master got very angry. His unappreciative martial arts apprentice had
taken his stuff away from him. Ranko must be taught a lesson in respecting
his elders, he thought. He wiggled to try to get free, but was unsuccessful
yet still unwilling to surrender. "Give me back my bag!" Pain however, had
other ideas and he stopped trying to escape and rubbed his throbbing
forehead. "And you didn't have to hit me that hard, you know."

Ranko touched her finger to her lip as if she was rethinking her course of
action. She wasn't. "I should've hit you HARDER, old man!"

Happosai took the moment of distraction as an opening. He squirmed out from
under Ranko's foot and jumped at her breasts. "I'll take your apology!" He
glomped her chest and buried his injured forehead into her bosom.

Ranko jumped back in surprise and was feeling violated at the unwanted
touching by Happosai. She yelled at the little evil gnome. "I'm not
apologizing you freak!" She tossed the bag behind her so the pervert bashing
squad could recover the stolen goods. With both fists free, she smashed the
little creature into the grass with an overhead strike while he was busy
making her very uncomfortable. She placed her foot on his back to hold him
down and applied more force than the last time to keep him from escaping
again. Confident that she have Happosai right where she wanted him, she, in
a cute voice, called out to the girls, "C'mon everyone, wadda you waiting
for?" In an instant, the gathered crowd surrounded the old man and bashed
him into a thin pancake.

"Honestly, you'd think he'd learn by now." Akane exclaimed as she held her
bokken on her shoulder. She watched with little sympathy as Happosai was
brutally beaten by her schoolmates.

Ranko stepped back as the crowd smashed the pervert with more enthusiasm.
The dust cloud covering the battle grew while the shouts of the girls got
louder. They happily dealt out some payback for his invasion of their
privacy.

The red haired girl shook her head slightly at the common sight of Happosai
being pummeled by an angry mob. "Don't think he'll ever learn. In fact, I
think the freak likes it." Sighing, she took off her wet Chinese shirt and
wrung it out, much to the pleasure of the males nearby. "Now I gotta go get
dry, before I can use hot water to change back."

Hiroshi and Daisuke stood with giant orbs for eyes and drooling slightly at
the sight of Ranko's bare chest. Akane huffed and moved to block the pair's
perfect view of the pair of perfect female appendages they had the privilege
to witness. She glanced in dismay at her fiancee's lack of feminine modesty
as Ranko made no attempt to cover up her breasts. "You idiot! Put your shirt
back on! Wait until you change back to a guy before you do that." She
noticed the small pile of bras that had fallen on the ground. "At least put
on a bra."

Ranko twisted her shirt one more time to get the last of the excess water
out. Upset that she was going to have to wear a wet t-shirt, which currently
wasn't much better than being stark naked, she put her moist silk shirt back
on to shut Akane up. "Fine! See how long you'd like to wear your clothes
after you go swimming in them." She turned to go off to the men's room to
dry her clothes in private.

Akane muttered. "Idiot." She looked back at the battle raging among her
schoolmates. Hands, arms, poleaxes and feet poked out from the dust cloud in
rapid succession as the punishment continued. "They're all idiots."

Daisuke and Hiroshi never took their eyes off of Ranko as she walked away in
a wet chest-clinging shirt, all but exposing her breasts for the world to
see. She entered the men's restroom and slammed the door shut.

Daisuke spoke with sadness. "Too bad she's really a guy."

Hiroshi replied with equal sadness. "We need more guys like her."

Akane rolled her eyes. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

"P-P-Pretty ladies..." Was all Happosai could croak out before he was
supposed to croak for good.

In the distance, unseen by everyone but Happosai, sat a black robed figure
holding a scythe. He took out a notebook, made a mark in it, and vanished.


========================================



Amazed at her good fortune, the leader of hell basked in the evil that
emanated from the old man. "Now that's what I'm talking about. He will make
a fine demon." She watched the melee with delight. Blow after blow rained
down on Happosai as he took his punishment and edged closer to death. Hild
clasped her hands in gleeful excitement. "I see he'll be joining us soon. I
want his file." She held out her hand in expectation while keeping her eyes
on the monitor watching the carnage in Furinkan.

A rather icky looking slime covered demon slithered over to Hild holding out
a file for her to read. She took the thin folder and opened it to the first
page. "Happosai, martial arts master, founder of the 'Anything Goes School
of Martial Arts', created techniques for destruction, thievery, and
PERVERSION. Hmm... I like him already." She nodded in approval while
flipping the pages looking for his scheduled arrival date into the
afterlife. She reached the last page and found what she was seeking was
missing.

Unamused, she turned to her icky minion. "Where's the rest of the file? I
don't have the birth date, his star sign and his planned expiration date. I
see nothing in this file that he's been granted immortality. When's his
scheduled time of death?"

The spider like thing oozing gooey stuff gurgled a reply. "Uh, that's all we
have on him."

She re-read the entire file in seconds and found it was woefully incomplete.
"There's only life documented here for twenty years of existence. All of it
describes time he spent locked in caves or in suspended animation from
entrapment spells. Where's his childhood? Where's his years of training and
why haven't the last two years been documented?"

"Uh..." Was all the demon could say to her request without being blasted
into a million pieces.

"Is that all you have to say!" She glowed a sickly yellow color, pointed her
finger and blasted the creature into a thousand pieces. It got off easy
since she was in a good mood for finding such a delightfully evil creature
in Midgard. It would only take the demon five years to reform back to normal
instead of fifty. A bat-like demon flew in with a portable vacuum cleaner to
pick up the mess.

Looking for the termination date and still not finding it, she summoned the
person who could answer her question without excuses. "Grim Reaper, I order
you to come forth!"

A cloud of smoke and flame appeared for an instant before Hild leaving
behind a skeleton wearing a black floor length cloak and holding a scythe
over his shoulders. Death turned to look at Hild with his empty eye sockets
in his bleached white skull. Moving his jawbone to speak, a haunting voice
seeped out. "Why have you summoned me?"

She opened the folder and reread the name. "I need to know the date and time
of a mortal's death. His name is Happosai."

The instant the name was uttered, Death cringed.

Hild continued in a slightly better mood. "When will he be joining us? Will
it be today? I now watching him get beaten in a manner that all but assured
that he will not survive. Once he is brought before judgment, I will be in
attendance."

Death spoke cautiously. "He's not arriving today."

"He isn't?" Hild checked the file for any blessings or wishes that could
have been granted that would have given him a stay of execution. He would
have needed one to stave off the angry girl with the chainsaw. "Then, will
he be arriving tomorrow?"

"No, he's not scheduled to arrive tomorrow." He wasn't happy at being put on
the spot, but he couldn't lie to Hild. He liked his job and wanted to keep
it.

Hild grew tired at the evasive answers. "When will he be arriving?"

"Soon?" Death answered meekly hoping that she would accept the answer and
send him on his way. He just bought a copy of 'Faces of Death 19' and wanted
to watch it.

She set the folder on her lap, growing more tired at the questioning. Death
usually was direct and to the point and his demeanor meant something was
wrong. "How soon?"

"Really soon?" Death looked for any excuse to leave.

Hild twitched her eyebrow. "Give me the date, time and method of exit from
Midgard."

Death chattered his bony teeth as he knew he was in trouble. His little side
business was finally coming to an end. "I'll get back to you on that."

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!" Hild stood up in anger, startling her minions. Some
fainted while others checked the time to see if they could leave a few hours
early to avoid the impending cataclysm. "What's so special about this mortal
that you can't give me a simple answer to a simple question!" She turned to
another minion. "There's more to this file isn't there?"

The pink bull-like demon that didn't want to be blasted into ten million
pieces ran over to a dirty rusted filing cabinet. He lifted it up off the
ground to show a very old and thick folder hidden underneath. Dozens of
nearby female demons ran toward the file in an attempt to intercept it. A
tentacle popped out of bull-demon's back to grab the file from the ground
before a female fire demon could roast the paperwork. Hild teleported the
papers from the growing fracas into the safety of her hands. The fire demon,
upon seeing that the file had made it to Hild's hands, held her breath and
exploded, saving Hild the trouble of blowing her up.

The other demons stopped their battle and bowed down toward their leader in
the hope that they would be forgiven and only be banished for a century or
two.

Giving her troops a glare that meant that they were indeed looking forward
to a massive dose of pain and suffering, she scanned the very thick folder
quickly. "Birth date was... That's not possible." She turned to Death.
"What's the meaning of this?"

Death just shrugged.

"According to this, Happosai is over three hundred years old. He was
supposed to have died in 1789 when a group of Chinese Amazons struck him
with arrows after he stole the Nan-Ban mirror. Explain yourself; why is he
still roaming around Midgard?"

Death slowly spoke with deep remorse. "It wasn't his time."


"It says right here that... Wait..." She read an addendum that said that the
arrows were deflected in mid-flight missing their mark allowing Happosai to
escape unharmed. She read the next page to find that the System Force, a
failsafe of the Yggdrasil system to ensure that destiny is fullfilled, tried
to correct the oversight. "Death, why didn't you take him the next day?
There was an avalanche that was supposed to crush him into oblivion."

He grasped his scythe with his bony hand and held it tight. "It wasn't his
time."

She read the next paragraph, finding that the boulders had formed an air
pocket large enough that his small size fit in perfectly. The next day the
System Force tried again to send the little man to the afterlife.

Hild turned the page. "The angry shopkeeper with the sickle?"

Death answered quietly. "It wasn't his time."

"The wild horse that dragged him for seven kilometers?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The lynching squad?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The volcanic eruption?"

"It wasn't his time."

She skipped over a volume of pages and found an interesting entry.
"Nagasaki?"

Death nervously adjusted the fabric around his neck."It wasn't his time."

Slamming the folder shut in fury, Hild turned a shade of crimson, rather
flattering on her dark complexion. "It wasn't his time for over three
hundred years! Tell me what's going on, or I'll have you ground into flour
and serve your dust to a bone eater! Now, TALK!"

Death had no choice in the matter. He raised his bony hand into the air and
invoked a spell. "Mara, I summon you!"

A flash of energy appeared next to Death and Hild's Earthbound minion stood
surprised at being snatched from the bar where she was hanging out. She was
holding a cup of sake in her hand. Upon seeing her boss, she hid the small
ceramic cup behind her back. "B-boss... Nice seeing you."

Hild looked at underling then turned her gaze to Death. "What's she got to
do with this."

Mara looked at Death, then at the name on the file that her employer was
holding and gasped. Her eyes grew to the size of saucers, which caught the
attention of Hild.

"Mara?" The queen of hell stared at the file in her hand. "What's your
involvement with Happosai." All of the bowed demons, Mara and Death
shuddered again at the mention of that cursed name.

"Uh... nothing?" She sheepishly smiled.

Death looked at Mara in the eye as best as a creature without eyes could.
"You promised me a favor. I'm not taking the rap on this one. I'm calling in
the favor."

Mara gulped.

Hild frowned in anger at the two before her. "What's the meaning of this?"

Death gave his command. "Confess Mara, about why you owe me a favor."

"W-what?!?" Stuttered Mara. She shivered at the thought of having to talk
about HIM. "I don't owe you anything."

"Really?" Death peeked his skull out of his hood, "I kept my end of the
bargain, now you keep yours."

"I... Uh... I... Ask me to do something else." She stammered.

"You made a blood oath. You cannot break it." Death commanded. "Now, I
invoke the promise you made. Tell her the truth."

The minion of the queen of hell wanted to be anywhere else but here. A blood
oath was an unbreakable promise, just as binding a contract as a promise
from a goddess. She was compelled to obey. "I... I asked Death to spare
Happosai's life."

Confused, Hild asked. "Why?"

"It's... well... you see..." She fell on her knees weeping. "Please! Don't
bring him here! NO!!!"

Turning pages far faster than any mortal could, Hild read the file from
cover to cover. "There were over a one hundred thousand attempts on his
life. The only lull in this activity was when his two disciples got him
drunk, threw him in a barrel of Nitro-Glycerin, placed him in a cave and
detonated a ton of TNT. All that explosion did was put him out of action for
ten years."

Mara's eye bugged out. "A.. A hundred thousand attempts?" She glared at
Death in delight. "You've spared him over a hundred thousand times for just
my oath?"

Death was on trial and the white haired judge could spot a lie light-years
away. "Actually, your oath was only good for the one attempt."

Eyes twitching even more, Hild asked the assembled group as the pieces fell
into place. She studied her demons and found many of them twitching and
spasming with guilt. "How many of you had asked for Death to spare
Happosai?"

Everyone female in the room but Hild raised their arms, tentacles, claws and
miscellaneous body parts. Hild turned to Death in anger. "And who spared him
today?"

He popped out a notebook and examined a recent mark. "That would be Peorth."

"A goddess?" Hild read the folder again. "All I see is that this man is a
thief and a pervert and hated by millions. Why has he attracted the
attention of a goddess?" She read the next to the last page. "Oh, he stole
her underwear... Wait, that's not a reason to spare him."

Mara bawled out with genuine tears. "You don't know what it's like if he
touches you! I know! I still have nightmares about that little creature!
Leave him on Midgard, I beg of you! You'll doom us all!"

"Nonsense! I've been looking for someone like this for centuries! Finally
I've found the perfect candidate for the position." She smirked at Death. "I
see that he's due to expire tomorrow at 10:15 AM."

Death gritted his teeth. It was easy from him since he had no lips or gums
to get in the way. He had the next fifteen years booked already for sparing
Happi's life. He was going to have to release all of those promises he had
collected in advance. Death tilted his head resigning himself that his free
ride was going to end. He had countless demons and goddesses that owed him
favors already, so he didn't mind too much that he had to finally bring in
this over-ripened soul. "Consider it done, my Queen. Expect his arrival at
10:15AM Tokyo time, tomorrow."

Death faded away into nonexistence as he went back to his normal rounds, but
first a quick stop at home to watch his newly purchased movie.

Hild turned to her minions who were still prostrating themselves before her.
Aiming her hand at them, a bright beam of energy flew out and roasted the
horde. The creatures ran or slithered or moved however they do in every
direction to try to put out the fires charring their flesh.

"Now, Mara, you will tell me everything you know about Happosai."

Shuddering in fear, she told of her experience at the hands of the little
pervert. The chase, the touch, and the loss of three complete sets of
underwear just to start. Once her tale was complete, the blond demoness was
a blubbering weeping heap on the floor, sobbing her eyes out. The demon
queen smiled. "Such delightful evil, he will make a perfect demon of
Perverted Sex."

Mara quaked in terror, for her worst fear was indeed coming to pass.


--------------------------------------------------------------------


Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and
keeps your underwear safe and sound.





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