At 05:21 am 18/05/2004, Troy Thomas wrote:

Anyhow, I'll lend some comments to this rarest of fics, a Princes 
Tutu ficcy. Please note, my notes to you are merely opinions, 
and should be treated as such - ignore 'em if they're 'in your way'.

Thanks for spending the time to comment, Troy!

Tonight - just for tonight - the ballroom is the only thing 
that exists in his world.

Slightly 'bent' narration, like a shift in perspective from narrator to 
character. To keep it in line, suggest something like, 'the ballroom 
is the only thing in the whole world.'

It is bent, but that's basically the effect I was looking for - a transition 
from "outside" to "inside" the story. I was trying to mirror the way 
the series switched from narrator to character. The ending was 
supposed to do the same in reverse.

I'll rethink this one.

Semi-colon alert: 'the crowd; a slitted' Semi-colons don't really 
belong in fiction - they're far too complicated for a simple country 
blokes like me. Replace with a period. If that doesn't work, then 
you may need to rewrite.

I agree that simpler is generally better. I'll see if I can find another 
way to maintain flow.

"Why don't you dance anymore?" she asks softly, the next time 
their heads come together. "You're so good, it's a shame."

Who is this 'softly' she's speaking to? (Publishers call this 'Tom 
Swiftly' syndrome.)

Thanks. I'll rework it.

"That's not fair," she counters.

'she counters.' doesn't describe speaking.

I should probably remove it entirely, and just let the dialogue stand 
on its own.

"But..."

I got caught at this, so now I take every available chance to catch 
others at it. An elipses terminating a sentence should have four 
periods, not three.

An interesting point. I was under the impression that an ellipsis was 
always three dots, but that it added to an end-of-sentence period 
rather than replacing it. Since that line ended in the middle of a 
sentence, where there wouldn't normally be a period, I let it stand at 
three.

Anyway, thanks for bringing that up. I'll have to go back and hit the 
grammar books.

An enjoyable short read. Glad to have read it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'm grateful for the feedback. Thanks
again.



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