DB Sommer wrote:

finally getting to this:
 

Hurray!  (and, as always, thanks for taking the time!)

hkmiller@theeddy.com wrote:

It should be noted I only saw up to ep 9 or so, and only a couple
intermittent episodes after that. It didn't grab me all that great, and
there are other things I've been more in the mood to watch.
 

Okay.

- - - - - - - - - -
The old man slumped against the dank stone wall, the chains on his
wrists holding him upright.  A thin man, medium height, with a
full, bushy beard, his face was marred by the bruises surrounding
his left eye.  His naked chest was a mass of bruises and cuts.
   

Hmm. As an opening hook, this should catch my attention, but really doesn't
for some odd reason. The first setence especially feels limp.

 

The pain fooled you, Boris Sarkhovsky thought.  The throbbing ache
he now felt constantly seemed as bad as it could get, only to be
proven wrong by the white-hot, searing agony each time the barbed
whip struck.  His eyes cleared momentarily, and he saw a thin, red
stream of blood on the floor, flowing out through an ancient
stone drain.
   

This, I think is better. It grabs my attention.
 

I think you're right; will rearrange somehow.

Boris could no longer see his tormentor clearly, in the dim light
filtering into this dungeon from somewhere above, but he could
still hear the oily hate
   

'oily' might not be the best adjective to go with 'hate' and you're probably
better of with 'hatred'
 

Noted and changed.

- - - - - - - - - -
Kirika Yuumura woke to the sound of gunshots.
   

And yawned. It seemed as though she'd get a chance to kill someone today. It
was always a good day, killing someone, and she did it more often than not.
 

Heh. 

so they'd been forced to camp when Mireille proved too exhausted
to drive farther.  Kirika saw no sign that any human had visited
this small clearing in many years.  Mireille had her gun, Kirika
noted with relief,
   

Why? I'm sure Kirika could kill a few mesely gunmen with some tree bark or a
blade of grass is she had to. :P
 

She doesn't need much.  Grass might be beyond her, but she might be able
to think of some way to use bark (at least if she has a way to sharpen it).

Kirika's eyes widened.  It was a small clearing, with a deep,
wooded ravine on her right, more forest on the far side and to her
left.  A Toyota Land Cruiser sat on a dirt track, just inside the
woods to her left.  Five men in dark suits stood in the clearing,
two keeping watch while the others the
   

others did the
 

Noted and changed.

The two girls were of an age, and dressed similarly, but
obviously not related.  One was oriental and dark-skinned,
probably from South-East Asia, and a few inches the shorter of
the two.
   

awkward. 'and the shorter of the two by a few inches' parses better.
 

Right.

Mireille's eyes and mouth rounded in astonishment for a moment,
then she rolled her eyes heavenward.  "You think it's now our JOB
to risk our lives protecting the peace of ten-year-old girls,
   

And thus we have a title. :)
 

I like it.  :)

 "Idiot!  Don't you EVER do that to me again!  Kirika...
 I was so miserable with you gone.  I hated living.  Please,
 don't ever leave me again!  I need you!"
   

Ah ha, time for a lesbian lovefest.
 

Not sure you've seen the last few eps, from your comments, but this is only
a slightly more wordy version of what Mireille says to Kirika in the climax
scene in ep 26.

 "Kirika and Chloe, should you survive, you may want to know
 that those are your real given names.
   

That's a touch silly. Why wipe out a person's past while maintianing a link
to it? It defeats the purpose.
 

Will think about taking that out.  My thinking was that it would be
pretty hard for her to trace her past given that alone, but it does
look like an unnecessary revelation.

"We both have many enemies, survivors of those we have killed.  We
have to stay in practice, face real danger, in case they come
after us.  Why not this?"
   

No intelligence on the opposition. No knowledge of their goals. No idea of
what's really going on.
 

No real way of avoiding the confrontation, as it turned out. :)

"How do champions of justice like you guys get to be so good
with guns and knives and things?  Can you teach us?  That would
be so cool!"  Aditi mimed shooting an imaginary gun.  "Blam,
blam!"

"Can we help you beat up the bad guys?  We've had judo lessons."

Mireille and Kirika froze, horrified.  "NO!" they expostulated
in unison.
   

Kirika shouted? She doesn't shout when she gets shot. you should leave it as
just Mirelle shouting.
 

She does cry out for other purposes a time or two in the series, mostly
later in the series as her emotions open up. 

"Alone against the underworld, you travel the world, beating up
     

bad guys, protecting the innocent, stealing from the rich and
giving to the poor, forsaking romance, relying only on each other
and your faithful apprentices, Tati and Aditi!" Tati pronounced
proudly, darting behind a tree to fire imaginary bullets at
Aditi, who fired back from beneath a bush.
   

Kirika needs to put a round into the tree next to Tati's head anf give her a
few splinters. That might hammer things home.
 

Heh.  Kirika is never cruel, though, in the series.  Mireille might
plausibly do something like that, though.

"Damn it!  How did they get loose?  We can't afford to go back
and tie them up more securely; we're too close!"
   

Kirika: Shooting them in the kneecap will keep them in their place.
 

I might take Gun-Knight's suggestion here, with a variation, if you
don't mind.  Something like Kirika noting to Mireille that their only
remaining option would be to do something like that, and worriedly
seeing a glint in Mireille's eye as she seriously considers it.

Neither girl moved.  Instead, both grinned, ready for action.
Kirika sighed, but couldn't think of anything else to try.
   

I'm surprised they're willing to allow unknowns to have guns at their backs.
 

After meeting Chloe, they come to understand the concept of an ally, even if
not fully trusted.  M & K are taking the girls at face value.

In the time it took Kirika to return to the door of room, the
girls had actually managed to wound one assailant, but the other
four had closed the distance substantially.  None were firing back
at the girls, Kirika noted, but as soon as their attackers caught
site
   

sight
 

Got it.

Laxalt stopped abruptly.  "Does she now?  I think you're lying,
but it's simple enough to check.  We'll take the three of you
down to see him."
   

And it's a good things he's a stupid psychotic, as most would at least break
Kirika's fingers to make sure she stays out of mischief. He knows he's not
going to be keeping her around.
 

She's unconscious; he thinks he has plenty of time to do that.
Also, additional pain right now might wake her up.

Kirika peered around her shoulder.  "Umm... isn't that the church
three blocks from our apartment, in Paris?"
   

Hmm. What a coincidence. :)
 

Heh.

"what
   

What
 

Got it.

Nice fic. For some odd reason, I had too copies in the same thing, though.
 

Yes, I know.  I apparently pressed CTRL-V twice just before posting, 
inadvertently.
Sorry about that, but glad you enjoyed the fic.





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