I'm having a bit of trouble with writer's block, so
I'm sending this incomplete (about 20K) first draft of
chapter eight to the list for commentary in the hopes that
any C&C will shake something loose inside my head and allow
me to continue writing.
If anyone feels like commenting, thanks in advance.
Sincerely,
Ed Becerra
Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999 by
Takahashi Rumiko. Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan Inc.
Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc. This work is not
intended to infringe those rights.
***************************************************************
Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2
Chapter 8
***************************************************************
"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?"
- Stephen Wright
Ucchan's Okonomiyaki was a great place to eat. It was an even
better place to talk.
Somehow - Ukyou wasn't quite certain how - her restaurant had
become the gathering place for those who wanted to keep current on
events in and around the life of Ranma Saotome and the Nerima
Wrecking Crew.
Newcomers would often point out that it would be much faster
to simply BUY the information from Nabiki Tendo, and that all the
information gotten thereby came with a money-back guarantee. But
the regulars at the Ucchan's would cheerfully tell you that,
unlike _Nabiki's_ information, what you learned at the Ucchan's
came with a tasty meal, a cute cook, an even cuter waitress, and
often a floor show.
Tsubasa Kurenai would normally object to the last comment,
but as he often WAS the floor show, he didn't have much room to
object.
Besides, Tsubasa was usually suffering from a spatula-induced
concussion whenever the subject was brought up. This impaired his
ability to disagree.
The end result was that, when one of the less informed of the
crowd around the Wrecking Crew needed to catch up on the latest,
they would head straight for the Ucchan's, for a meal and an update.
This was why Ryu Kumon was headed for the Ucchan's.
Ryu - also known as "the OTHER Ranma Saotome" - was one of the
less frequently seen members of the chaos surrounding Nerima. His
father had died while trying to train in one of Genma Saotome's
"forbidden techniques", and Ryu had devoted his life to avenging
his father's death.
And somewhere along the way, Nodoka had taken a liking to this
sad, unfortunate young man who'd tried to impersonate her son. Ranma
wasn't very happy about that, but he understood loneliness and didn't
try to interfere much. (Besides, Ranma felt a little responsible.
The death of Ryu's father was yet ANOTHER of the debts that a certain
fat, lazy, irresponsible damn panda had dumped on his shoulders, and
that was something he was VERY familiar with.)
A he came in the door, the usual gang of martial artists and
salarymen present cheered. "RYU!"
"Hey, Ukyou-san!"
"Ryu! Long time, no see, Sugar! Where have you been? And what
can I get you?"
"How about a seafood special?"
"One seafood special coming up! Large or small?"
"Large, please, I've been on the road for quite a while. I'm
pretty hungry."
Ukyou nodded, and her spatula blurred into action over the
grill. "Still training?"
Ryu nodded. "I want to try to establish a Kumon branch of the
Anything Goes School. I'm hoping that if I can get trained up enough,
Master Happosai might be willing to listen to my request."
Ukyou raised an eyebrow at that. "Tendo-san and the panda might
have a little to say about that."
"Well, I hope I can talk Tendo-san around. As for the panda,
who cares what he thinks? If need be, I'll ask Nodoka-dono for her
assistance in 'convincing' him."
The cross-dressing chef grinned. "I like the way you think!
Let me know before you do, sugar. I want to get in on the Beating
of the Panda, myself. I still owe the bastard a few more lumps."
"No problem, Ukyou-san. I'd be honored."
"Thanks! Here, have some soda."
* * *
Shuutaro Mendo was somewhat unhappy. He was well-bred, stylish,
talented, athletic, handsome, chivalrous, disciplined, intelligent
and wealthy. He was the perfect Japanese nobleman. (Even if he did
say so himself.)
So why were all the girls talking about this mysterious new
romantic hero who'd appeared in the Furinkan neighborhood? What did
this gaijin stranger have that Mendo did not?
"Feh! I outshine that fool, Kuno. I outshine ALL men in Japan!
Why do they seek to date with this foreign trash?"
Let it be noted that in addition to all of the above qualities,
Mendo was also quite jealous.
Nobody's perfect.
* * *
Ryu was looking a little ill, and it wasn't the seafood.
"You say the old pervert has a new apprentice?"
"Unfortunately," nodded Ukyou.
"Saw the fight myself," chipped in one of the salarymen.
"Happened outside the new bathhouse just up the street from the
Nekohanten."
"Don't you mean the OLD bathhouse up the street?" asked Ryu.
"Nerima," said the salaryman sagely.
"Oh, yeah. When was it last destroyed?"
"A few weeks after the last time you left, I think," noted the
salaryman. "Or was that the pachinko arcade just down the block?
I get the two of those confused."
"So where's Ranma?" asked Kumon.
"Nobody knows," worried Ukyou. "He shows up for meals and for
school, but that's all. I heard from Ryouga that Ranma is trying to
track down the new player to find out who he is and why he's here."
"Sensible of him," Ryu said. "I hope he finds him. I don't like
playing the game without a proper scorecard."
"Yeah," sighed Ukyou. "It _does_ make things simpler, doesn't
it? Meanwhile, Ryouga's lending a helping hand."
"How's that? Isn't he always lost?"
Ucchan explained the unique and highly effective method Nabiki
had come up with.
"Wow," blinked Ryu. "That's so OBVIOUS! I wonder why no one
thought of that before?"
"Too simple?" suggested one of the shop workers.
Ukyou blinked. "Y'know, sugar, that makes ENTIRELY too much
sense."
"I know," smirked the shop worker.
"So Ranma's hunting down the blond kid, Ryouga's helping out
against Happosai and the new apprentice," Ryu summarized. "What about
the rest?"
"Well," said Ucchan thoughtfully, "Mousse is on the run from the
Amazons."
"How's that again? Doesn't he usually CHASE Shampoo?" Ryu
wondered.
Ukyou explained about the new Amazons who'd arrived in town,
Mace - and her alleged sexual preferences - in particular.
Kumon shuddered. "And I thought *I* had it bad. Poor Mousse.
Are the rest of them... you know...?"
"Looking to bag a man for their village, their honor, and their
beds? Yup. Just think of it as eugenics in action."
"Damn," swore Ryu. "Okay, note to self. If a girl challenges
me, ANY girl, no matter how she's dressed or speaks, whatever the
reason, use the Saotome Secret Technique first and worry about how it
looks later."
The entire room burst into raucous laughter, laughter tinged
with rueful understanding.
* * *
Freddy Doerr, ninja, newest member of Oroku Saki's Elite Guard,
and an all-around kick-ass, take charge sort of guy, was feeling
like kicking some ass all right. Mostly the asses of the twelve
idiots that he'd been saddled with.
Right now, he'd managed to get them settled in a cheap capsule
hotel with strict orders to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING until he returned
for them.
He had a meeting with a very important person in Tokyo's Shadow
World, and he REALLY did not need the Three Stooges times four
hanging at his heels to screw things up.
Now standing on the other side of a truly IMMENSE mahogany
desk, one easily large enough to land small planes upon, he made a
humble bow.
"Tanaka-dono, I most humbly request that you review my petition
to purchase the NinjaBurger Franchise for Nerima."
The elderly Japanese man behind the desk looked him over with
the air of a scientist examining a minor example of an uninteresting
species of insect. Freddy would normally have taken his attitude as
an insult, one that could only be settled by the spilling of blood.
However, the three white-clad ninja in the room with them -
ninja he could just BARELY detect, even with his senses strained
to their limits - encouraged Freddy to keep a level head on his
shoulders.
As opposed, say, to having it rolling on the floor courtesy
of a quick slash from a razor-keen ninja-to. Freddy was rather fond
of his head. He much preferred it where it was at the moment. These
facts helped him to keep his pride in check.
Tanaka opened the folder lying on his desk, reviewing the
contents. "I see you serve Oroku Saki."
"I do, Tanaka-dono."
"I disapprove of his adopting gaijin into the Clans of the
Shadow."
Freddy stiffened slightly in indignation, then forced himself
to relax, hoping the brief lapse in his personal discipline hadn't
been noticed.
"However, times do change, and the Clans must change with them,
however distasteful I might personally find the process." He flipped
through the pages again. "You are, I would hope, familiar with the
rather... peculiar... difficulties involved in defending the honor
of NinjaBurger while in Nerima."
Freddie was NOT, in fact, familiar with any difficulties. His
master had not seen fit to inform him of the nature of Nerima, as
Saki himself held the stories to be nothing more than the ninja
equivalent of a child's scary bedtime stories. He nodded anyway,
as Saki had instructed him before he'd left New York.
"You do this of your own choosing."
"I do, Tanaka-dono."
"You understand that should you fail NinjaBurger, you will be
required to make your apologies with your life."
"I do."
"Then you may go."
One of the white-clad ninja appeared next to Freddy's shoulder,
holding a large envelope, motioning for the boy to take it. Freddy
accepted it carefully, then followed the ninja out of the office.
* * *
The man who'd once been known as "Tiger" Tanaka glanced over at
his former student and handpicked successor. "Your thoughts on the
boy?"
"Do you really think one of the Shredder's get would uphold
your 'company policy'?"
"Of course not," snorted the former head of the Japanese
Imperial Intelligence Service. "He'll take the dishonorable way
out. He'll live. Which, in an area such as Nerima, is actually
to our benefit."
"How so?"
"Come now... the employee turnover there has been simply
ludicrous until now. Imagine the amount we will save in death
benefits ALONE. Honor is one thing... our stockholder's happiness
is another." Tanaka paused. "A test for a former student. What will
happen when the child begins to flail financially?"
"Saki will choose to take a personal hand in matters, no doubt.
He may even come in person to... ah. I see."
Tiger nodded. "Saki has caused much grief. Worse, he has caused
us much embarrassment. It is long since past time that the fool is
properly disciplined for what he has done."
The current head of the JIIS smiled thinly. "And Tatsu?"
"No one may depart the service of the Emperor without the
Emperor's leave and permission," said Tanaka, his voice harsh.
"You know that as well as I do. Once the children in Nerima
humiliate him and his so-called 'Master', Tatsu shall be returned
- alive! - to the Palace. I will expect you to deal with him as
per standing orders."
"Indeed. And the mutants?"
"They present no threat to us at this time. Their lives have
been harsh and cruel. They deserve the opportunity to learn more of
their father's homeland, much as any other nisei does."
"I shall so report to the Emperor." The younger man paused.
"I understand that you are somewhat short-handed at the moment."
Tiger nodded.
"Three of our Master's bodyguards find they are no longer as
agile as they once were. They seek a new way to serve him."
Tanaka grinned. "Indeed. Such is the true purpose of Ninja
Burger."
"I will send them to you immediately. You will keep a close eye
on the Nerima situation?"
"Always."
"I still think the children would be of more use to our Master
if they were subjected to more discipline."
"You will learn differently, teishi. You will learn. As I did
with their predecessors. Ahh... those were the days."
"True. How IS Bond-san these days?"
"Still chasing the ladies, from what Q tells me."
"M also sends her regards."
"Please let her know that I am most grateful."
* * *
"They ain't the bravest heroes, but they're the only ones we
got!"
- "Dave the Barbarian"
Gos limped home slowly, currently in his normal form thanks
to a hot cup of tea from a street vender. At least he no longer had
to worry about street thugs. The kempo lessons Ranma had painfully
pounded into him had - to Hikaru's surprise - taken rather well.
While Gos would never win any awards for skill or grace in the Art,
he was able to defend himself. Enough so that now, most of the common
bullies simply wrote him off as "more trouble than he's worth."
Saotome had also arranged for Doctor Tofu to give Gos lessons in Tai
Chi and Akido, both of which were more suited to Gos's uncursed
form.
He heard a now-familiar sound from overhead, and looked up to
see a cute young girl with purple hair in a school fuku bounding
over the rooftops, chased by a high-tech attack helicopter. He
considered the empty thermos he was holding, then shook his head.
Atsuko would just have to "play" with her mother's employees by
herself this time. He had to get home before his OWN mother did
something deranged.
Reaching the gate of his home, he looked around. None of the
local lunatics in sight. He thanked the kami and went on inside.
Only to be glomped by his mother.
Okay, ONE local lunatic present, Gos thought to himself. I
shouldn't have opened my mouth. "Oh," says Kami-sama, "A CHALLENGE!"
"I saw you on the television, son! You were WONDERFUL!"
Oichi squealed joyously. "My son, the hero!"
Gos wanted to melt into the ground from sheerest embarrassment.
"Motherr..."
"Now, now, dear, mother knows best!" Oichi looked him up and
down. "Where is your suit, dear? I saw it on the TV when you were
fighting that dreadful thing with the help of all those lovely
magical girls and demon hunters and other heroes. We should have it
cleaned PROMPTLY. Ichor stains are most difficult to get out of silk
once they have a chance to dry, you know."
"It's still upstairs in my room, Mother."
"But I saw-"
"I borrowed a spare suit from my new hero-sensei, Mother. I
didn't have the time to come home and get one before we were
attacked."
"Your sensei? And this would be who, exactly?" his mother asked
suspiciously.
Hikaru crossed his fingers behind his back and lied for all he
was worth. "Ahh... I think you saw her on the TV, Mother. The girl
in the leather coat? Moonshadow? She's taken me on as an apprentice."
One vitally important lesson he'd learned from Ranma had nothing
and everything to do with martial arts. When you had to tell a lie,
insisted Saotome, you should take the lie, mix it liberally with two
equal parts truth, and they'd usually swallow the entire thing whole.
Something Nabiki had hammered into Ranma's skull, eventually.
Sure enough, it worked. Also as surely, it set his mother off on
yet another trip through the furthest reaches of her fantasies.
"My son has met a beautiful magical girl! He'll marry her and
I'll have magical grandbabies! WAAAAAAH! LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!"
Hikaru simply stood there and dully wondered when Tendo-san
had begun giving his mother lessons in "How to Cry Like a Waterfall
101". Come to think of it, it wouldn't surprise him if Saotome-san
(the father, not the son) had been giving lessons in "How To Run To
The Closest Sake Bar Like a Sniveling Coward".
* * *
Gosunkugi Takuji sneezed, almost spilling his sake all over the
bar. A huge panda patted him on the back with one paw, holding up a
placard with the other.
[Catching a cold, Takuji-kun?]
* * *
Once the flood of his mother's tears had subsided (and Gos had
gotten a mop to clean them up), he headed for his room to rest. And
hopefully to forget the entire day, for at least a few hours.
He still had much to do, though. Ranma-sensei had been quite
detailed on the fact that what you did AFTER the battle was as
important as the battle itself. He'd referred to it as an "after
action report". (A term that Sensei had learned from the Marines
on Okinawa.) He had to write down a short report of the crucial
details of the battle, focusing on what he'd done right, and just as
serious, what he'd done wrong. Sensei would be reading it later,
and if he left out anything of import, Ranma would point it out to
his embarrassment.
He had to throw away the entire first page, however, seeing
as it consisted of two words, repeated over and over again.
"why ME?!"
Of course, he already KNEW the answer to that question. He
simply didn't want to hear it.
With a heartfelt sigh, he crumpled the paper up, pitched it into
the wastebasket, and started over, beginning with the train trip and
how Ranma-sensei had informed him they would be riding on the OUTSIDE
of the train...
* * *
Gos had just finished up the after action report when there was
a tap at the door, and his mother entered.
She was smiling, and Gos shuddered inwardly. It was the smile
that he'd learned meant "I have yet ANOTHER idea designed expressly
and solely to embarrass my son past the point of madness."
"Son, now that you are a hero and defender of the weak, it is
now time for you to share in a sacred secret of our family. We, the
Gosunkugi's, have been protecting this secret for centuries. Now,
I must pass this secret knowledge on to you."
Gos went cold inside. Oh, kami, he thought. A mystic weapon?
A family curse? Some stupid kami-be-damned destiny? What NOW?!
His mother mistook the sudden stiffening of his shoulders
for heroic determination.
"Yes, my son... we are going to the dry cleaners!"
The carpet tastes wonderful when it's been freshly shampooed,
thought Gos, just before he began to scream.
* * *
"Taking over the world is one thing. Finding good help to run
it for you - that's the killer."
- Ivan Oooze, 'Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie'
Oroko Saki had never been a patient man. Odd, given that he was
a trained ninja, to whom patience wasn't merely a virtue, but a most
powerful weapon.
But while his skills were undeniable, so was his tendency
to obsess on the battles he'd lost.
After the recovery of his broken body from the wreckage of the
New York docks by Tatsu and his faithful Foot, he'd been smuggled
to a doctor who'd made a great deal of money servicing members of
various organized crime families when they'd incurred injuries
that couldn't be... explained... to the staff of a normal hospital.
While the changes the mutagenic ooze had made to his body
couldn't be reversed, they could be minimized. The segments of his
body armor that had fused to his skin were surgically removed,
and cosmetic surgery took care of most of the scar tissue. He would
never look as he once had, but he could now pass for human again,
provided he keep his clothing on.
Now he stood in excess of six and a half feet tall in his bare
feet, and had the physique of a body-builder who'd been abusing
steroids for years. Pantsuto Taro would be jealous, and the Master
of the Muscle Sword cult would have broken into tears of sheerest
envy.
Most martial artists might have considered the change a blessing
in disguise. Saki _wasn't_ one of them. He was a ninja. A spy and an
assassin. Being built like Arnold Schwarzenegger's bigger brother
was a hindrance, not a help, in the business of espionage and silent
murder.
He MIGHT have been welcome in the Hand, but Saki's ego wouldn't
allow him to serve anyone. Using the Hand, however, he didn't mind.
Dipping deeply into the cash reserves he'd built up during the Foot's
first rampage through New York, he was able to pay them to smuggle
him back to Japan.
He'd never admit it, considering it a weakness that rivals and
enemies might exploit, but it felt good to be home. America might
be the land of opportunities, but Saki had never felt comfortable
there. America was simply too uncivilized. Why Tang Shin and Yoshi
had EVER fled to New York was something he'd never truly understand.
Fleeing for one's life was one thing. Living among gaijin for the
rest of one's life? Another thing _entirely_.
Saki sneered as he soaked in the bath. If only he had been
there, fifty years earlier, Japan would NOT have failed to defeat
America, and the Pacific would belong to Japan. If not the world.
None would have stood in his way.
As it was, soon Japan would be his. First the Clans would bow to
him. Then, the government. And once Japan was under his control, the
world.
* * *
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
- Hunter S. Thomson
"Dreamers may die, but the Dream is eternal..."
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