Denise Cameron  wrote:

-------------
Free XP

- Cute. Apparently the "D&D player doesn't know what a gazebo really is"
plot has been done a lot before, but I've never heard it before, so it's new
on me.

Yeah, it's been done a bit.  I still find humor in it, and it seems some others do
to.  Some others don't, but then you can't please everyone.

----------------

The Observed

	Yomi looked about her at the trees whose leaves were the deep green
color associated with spring.  The day was a nice one, certainly.  The
sun shown brightly down through the few white

- The sun shone, not shown.

Ack!  Will fix.

fluffy clouds in the sky, the breeze was a nice and cool one;

- Hmm...it's up to you, of course, but I'd have written it "The breeze was
nice and cool" or "The breeze was pleasantly cool". The word one trips me
up, for some reason. But the way you did it is in no way incorrect.

I tend to think and word things strangely.  I'm still trying to create a proper
grammar rules filter for my mind...over 20+ years development time and counting, heh.

	"It bothers me."  Yomi said.  She sighed and opened her bento...for
some reason she wasn't feeling too hungry anymore.
Taking a bite, Yomi noticed Sakaki had shifted her focus to her, and
was staring intently.  "I guess..." she continued, "I mean...all
kidding and Tomo-isms aside, we're pretty damn hot.
Probably the hottest girls in school.  I'd even go so far as to say
you're even better looking than me."

- As someone has already mentioned, Yomi has gone a little out of character.
She doesn't think that she is hot; she thinks that she is overweight. And I
don't think that she likes others to know that she's concerned with her
appearance, so I don't think she'd call herself and her circle of friends
hot.

See, this is where I disagree. From what I've read and seen in the four volumes of
manga, Yomi's actually somewhat vain.  She's good looking, knows it, and defends it
violently.  However, she IS trying to shed a few pounds (not that she really needs
to) and gets very pissed off that other people can eat pretty much what they want to
and not gain weight while she has to go on a near continuous diet and probably
exercise constantly, just to maintain her present figure.  She's very flexible
too...and proud of it.  Watching her bend herself in half secured her permanent place
in my list of top anime bishoujo, heheheheheheh.  This conversation is one of the
more candid ones, and simply stating she knows she and Sakaki are good looking,
remarkably so, is well within the perameters I'm thinking.  Note she didn't say
anything during it about still wanting to loose some weight...even though she's
gotten enough flak from Tomo about it while others are around and her behavior
certainly points to it.  In fact she occasionally mentions a diet as I recall, but
tries not to draw too much attention to it.

	"Well, I suppose if all else fails, we could go lesbian."
Yomi deadpanned.

- This sounds more like a line that Tomo would say, with a skewed impression
of what lesbian means.

Yeah, but Yomi didn't mean it.  It's like someone getting frustrated, getting up and
saying, "I might as well jump off a cliff!" or something equally absurd.  Sakaki just
uses it to mess with her later.

---------

The Observer

	Then the lapin, after getting so close as to nearly take

- Interesting use of the french language.

Looking for other words to use instead of 'rabbit' or 'bunny.'  I'm told 'Hare'
wasn't quite the same thing.  I've also been told that I didn't use bunny or rabbit
enough in the fic to warrant looking for another word, so that will probably wind up
getting replaced.

- Your writing is good, but I'm not sure what else I can say about these
stories. I liked the first one the best, anyway, and you used an interesting
technique for the latter two (having them overlap, and giving different
information on each side).

I thank you for taking the time to read them.  Heh, I have to admit, it wouldn't have
been nearly as good without Justin Carr and LarryF doing a lot of prereading on them.
I do hope they were entertaining for you.

K'thardin
"I am the number you cannot compute, Decepticon."
	-Omega Supreme


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