Thank you for the C&C

On 28 Apr 2004 at 8:00, Gary Kleppe wrote:

hmelton@daviscomp.com wrote:

I don't own "Lois & Clark the new adventures" or Ranma 1/2.
No copyright infringement is intended by this fanfic. 

Credit the specific creator(s) of the characters by name.

Okay 

"Go on Kasumi that's your cue, I mean that's Rising Sun's cue."

"Go on, Kasumi, that's

("Kasumi" here is used as an address -- it identifies who is being
spoken to -- so it must be set off by commas.)

I see what your saying and I'll change it, but when I first read this 
advice I thought "address?  Oh!  Kasumi drive you can't miss it it's 
a side street off Tendo avenue."

Waldeker smiled after speaking and gently pushed down on the hovering
girl's shoulder, his smile shifting to a sly grin Waldeker said "This

Need a period after "grin".

Suggest dropping the "Waldeker said", since we already know he's
speaking in this paragraph. If you do keep it, add a comma after it.

A moment later Waldeker's smile vanished as he heard a distant "Oh
My" and his x-ray vision revealed that Kasumi had stiffened and
frozen for an instant just below the clouds. Waldeker thought "Maybe
it wasn't such a bright idea telling her not to look at the crowd
until she had to."

Since he isn't actually speaking this, it shouldn't be in quotes. You
could use another delimeter, though my suggestion would be to just
work the thought directly into the narration instead of explicitly
quoting it:

I'll try it both ways see what comes of it.

 

frozen for an instant just below the clouds. Maybe it hadn't been such
a bright idea telling her not to look at the crowd until she had to.

Putting aside his concern when Rising Sun continued to descend he
returned to scanning the crowd below the worry trying to creep back. 

below, the

Rising Sun, she was so young, just a girl, and Japan was asking her
fill a Ultrawoman's shoes."  

Is he saying this last bit, or thinking it? Either add an opening
quote mark or remove the closing one.

Originally had him whispering it changed it to thinking.

"Perverts!" Agent Dan Bar glanced from the TV and silently decided
this time he agreed with the youngest Tendo the camera men were 

Suggest: youngest Tendo that the
(or) youngest Tendo: the

Okay I'll try the Tendo: form

----delete----

Add the apostrophe to make a possessive ("This was all Tendo's idea,
master!") or a contraction ("Tendo's in a lot of trouble, then.") It
can also be used to indicate where part of something has been omitted
("Ma'am, I'm fixin' t' practice mah new folksy accent t'day.") Don't
use it if you just want more than one of something.

I knew that really. ^_^;

I'm not sure why it ended up with a 's.


----delete----

mixture of modern and medieval values and he had quickly discovered
the Tendo's were among the oddest and most unpredictable.  

Tendos

Dan looked through the kitchen wall his attention pulled from the TV
and Rising Sun' possible family problems by the slight sound of the

Sun's

the Tendo's live in Security agent finishing the preparation of

Tendos' live-in security agent
(you're referring to more than one Tendo; "live-in" is a compound
phrase used as a descriptor, and so must be hyphenated; and there's no
reason to capitalize "security" here as it's a general class of thing
and not the name of a specific agency.

several bowls of popcorn, smiling as an idea came to him that might
irritate his Martial arts Senshi and possibly lift Ami's spirits, her

It's not clear at first glance that Ami is the live-in agent.

I don't think I'll change that, it was meant to have the reader 
wondering and slightly confused about  what Dan is going to do and to 
who.

body language seemed to indicate she was a little down and he
suspected she was thinking about being transferred here a year ago
going from the emperors security staff, it must have felt like a 

emperor's
(here you do want an apostrophe, since you mean belonging to or
associated with the emperor)

Security agent Ami Tokugawa smiled as she tried to hand Dan a bowl of
popcorn, but instead found herself seated in his cushioned chair by a
flurry of ultra-speed martial arts moves. Blinking in surprise she
discovered a bowl of popcorn sitting in her lap and a single glass of
iced tea in her left hand she almost laughed as Dan gave her a low
european bow before taking the folding chair that she had meant for

European
(the name of a specific continent, so capitalize it)

herself and saying in an exaggerated english accent "The lady may 

English
(same here)

Add a period after "accent".

have my seat and I'll sit here after all it's not like I need a 

here. After

seat." to put emphasis to his words Dan was floating about five 

Capitalize "To" -- it begins a sentence.

Looking around the room for the vanished tray that had held the
snacks and drinks Ami was surprised to see that each of the Tendo's

Tendos

was holding a bowl of popcorn and a drink, the faces of both girls

Run-on sentence.

Noted 

drink. The
(or)
drink; the

were showing signs of surprise, but Soun's face showed a mixture of
irritation and approval after taking a drink of his tea he said

Another run-on.

irritation and approval. After taking a drink of his tea he said,

"Student your use of the still air techniques to move were passable,

"Student, your
("Student" identifies who's being spoken to)

but you must work harder your speed badly needs to improve I was able

improve. I

Ami watched as Dan gave a slight bow from his seated position and
mixed english and Japanese

Capitalize "English".

saying "Yes Senshi" before turning his

Unless Soun is wearing a short skirt, the word you want is "sensei" or
"teacher". You also need a comma after "yes" because once again,
"sensei" identifies who's spoken to.

Now that's a mental image I wish I hadn't inflicted on the FFML.

There are Senshi running around Tokyo, but thankfully Soun isn't one 
of them.

attention back to the TV.  Ami knew that Agent Dan was only trying to
lighten her mood and he had, for a few moments, but it also served to
high light what had been bothering her all day.  Ami looked wistfully

"highlight" is one word.

at the TV watching the Ultrahuman standing to one side of the Prime

ultrahuman
(a general class of human, not the name of a specific group)

minister and wistfully thought "It should have been me." as she

Prime Minister
(capitalize both words)

Again, don't quote something like dialog unless it's actually spoken.
Suggest:

Prime Minister. It should have been me, she wistfully thought as she
(or) Prime Minister. *It should have been me,* she wistfully thought
as she

Okay

---delete---

Akane was at it again she had all the signs of a developing crush.  
Nabiki shook her head and thought "Little sister what makes you think
you'll have a chance".

Again, don't quote unspoken thoughts the same way as spoken dialog.
You also need a comma after "Little sister" (it identifies who is
spoken to).

okay

Dan's views of Kasumi were so obvious, he 
thought of her much like their father or rather as an America father 

American father

would think of his daughter.

Why the distinction? What would be different about an American father
than Soun? And if Dan's affections towards Kasumi are fatherly, how is
that competition for Akane anyhow?

Nabiki has a rather limited and limited view of Americans.

The majority of her experience has been with a rather select group of 
Americans, mostly high level security agents or American embassy 
security staff.

Soun is the only father that Nabiki knows very well and even putting 
aside the fanfic convention  about Soun. Any comparison of Soun to 
the Americans she knows probably leads to a big contrast with her 
Japanese father. 

Seeing Kasumi as a daughter isn't so much a competition as a bias 
that Akane must over come and Nabiki doesn't think she has a chance 
of doing it.

Dan Bar sees Kasumi as a young girl who could be his daughter and 
Akane is her little sister some of that is sure to rub off.

Kasumi has almost certainly been talking to Dan about her family and 
that will colour his view of Akane and Nabiki he has probably 
listened to one hundred and one stories about the cute things her 
"little" sisters have done. 
 
-----delete-------

Both girls had listened as Dan went over a detailed background check
of the boy with Soun and both girls had had to suppress giggles as
their Father suggested that Dan be sharpening a sword when the boy 

their father
(only capitalize this when used as a name; "Hello, Father.")

Okay

came to pick up Kasumi.  A week later Nabiki had felt sympathy for
the boy after Agent Dan said he had substituted cleaning a shotgun
for the sword and that it had worked very well the boy had been a 

well. The boy
(or)
well; the boy

perfect gentleman on his date with Kasumi.

Why is that a worry anyhow? This Kasumi is a superwoman, for gods'
sake. If her date does get out of line, she's more than capable of
keeping him in line.

 
Soun is worried about a boy overpowering Kasumi he isn't aware of 
that a ultraman enhancement was her cure.

Dan is more worried about some smooth talking young man taking 
advantage of Kasumi's good nature and naiveness to "love her and 
leave her".

Nabiki shook her head and as Akane headed back through the gates
subvocalizing "Move over Dr. Tofu".

"Move over. Dr. Tofu."

Okay

 

*     *      *

Kasumi frowned as she watched the videotape of Rising Sun's  
introduction to the world. She watched herself land by the Emperor,
the Prime Minister and the American Ambassador. A hush had fallen on

the Prime Minister, and
(when you list more than two items, put a comma after each)

okay
 
----delete----

As with other installments of this series, I'm really not getting a
good sense of what the conflict is supposed to be, and (especially)
what the stakes are. Okay, so Kasumi wants to make a good impression.
Roughly what she gain if she succeeds or lose if she fails? This can
be something tangible (e.g. a supervillain waiting in the wings to
tempt her to the dark side) or just emotional (e.g. Kasumi is insecure
and really, really wants everybody to like her). But we need to have a
strong idea as to what the main character cares about, because if we
can't see that she cares, then we won't care either.

There is quite a bit in the wings that Rising Sun will have to face.

Also since Rising Sun is part of a shared universe if a writer wants 
Rising Sun to fight Godzilla then we would love to read it.

Hope this helps; good luck with this and/or any other fanfics.

Thank-you 

howard melton

God bless


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