Heh.  Well, I laughed.

DB Sommer wrote:

Osaka continued looking meaningfully at Chiyo. "But she's miniature, so that
would give her an unfair advantage."
 

Heh.  I like Osaka's logic here; seems very IC to me, as well as funny.

Osaka suddenly appeared. She was wearing plaid pants, a fuchsia and pink
sweater, a yellow cap with a purple tassel on top, and a bore a small cup in
her hand.
 

Heh again.

Osaka said, "It was too close. I have to hit the ball in on the fourth
stroke. It says so on the scorecard."
 

And Heh a third time.

Blushing, Sakaki stared at the cat in a new light. She moved up to the ball,
which had nearly made it back to the tee from how hard the paw had struck
it. Carefully she watched the paw's pendulum-like course, then hit the ball
toward the center hole. Again it batted the ball away, meowing as it did so.

The tall girl repeated the action, cat batting the ball away a third and
then fourth time.

"You're having a hard time getting past that cat," Kagura said. "You can
move it on the other side of the house and hit it from there."
<clip>
Sakaki looked at the cat, then blushed even more. "Ah, I'd rather stay and
keep trying. You guys can play in front of me. I don't mind going last. I'll
catch up to you later."
 

While I can certainly see Sakaki doing this, I didn't think this bit was 
a funny
as it would have been with a different outcome.  (I was expecting the 
mechanical
cat to actually bit Sakaki somehow, possibly by means of mechanical 
malfunction.)
At any rate, should you be inclined to revise, I might start with this 
section, as I
thought it the weakest.

"You can do it, Chiyo!" Yomi, Kagura, and Osaka urged. Sakaki had remained
behind, continuing to hit the ball at the previous hole,

Every miniature golf course I'VE ever been on, Sakaki couldn't (perhaps 
one reason I
had a bit of trouble swallowing that outcome), as other parties would be 
coming up
behind the girls to play that hole.

Tomo gave a triumphant. "Yes, I got the block just in time!"

"There is no blocking in miniature golf!" Kagura shouted.
 

heh.

Kagura was about to suggest they get some juice from one of the nearby
vending machines when Tomo shouted out, "Yes! I won!"
 

The predictable golf joke about the novice...

"But Osaka made par each time."

"Osaka came in last."

 

Heh.  I like it that Osaka's that good at the game.

Yukari hesitated a second. "Actually, there is no good news. I just wanted
to give you the illusion of hope for one brief, shining moment."
 

Heh.  Good bit of dialog for Yukari.

[End notes] And here endth the fic. Like I said, not one of my stronger
efforts, but there's so little Azumanga fanfiction out there, I didn't think
a weaker one would hurt it.
 

Not at all, and not all parts were weak at all.  I think if you took the 
first half
or so, and expanded on Osaka (who seemed funniest to me in this fic), you
might have your funniest Azufanfic yet.

Thanks for reading.
 

And to you for writing.




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