Sebastian Palm wrote on 4/18/2004, 6:16 PM:

 >
 > Darkness Approaches - a ten minute, 100-word fic.

    We need more of these -- so hard to write, so easy to C&C!  (:)

 > The killing itself was a work of art thought Ikari Gendo, laying in an

    "...art, thought..."
    SP: lying.

 > expanding pool of blood. The first jacketed hollowpoint slug had
 > struck just
 > over the sternum, removing his ability to scream for help, not to mention
 > severing both the throat, the jugular blood vessels, and the spinal
 > column.

    Nitpick:  Kinda hard for a single bullet to sever both jugulars, unless 
it hits from the side (which conflicts with "just above the sternum."). 
  But what the heck -- it's a hollowpoint, so we could just say Gendo 
got lucky and the slug *really* spread some bits on impact.  Obvously 
not a *laminated* jacket.  (:)

 > The second had torn the aorta in half, and again severed the spinal
 > column.

    Just for redundancy.
    Here, and in the previous block, you use "the" an awful lot.  "The 
aorta, the spine, the jugulars."  In a 100-word fic, adding some variety 
is difficult, I know, but the story would IMO flow a bit better without 
all those "the"s, if you find any way to eliminate them.

 > Both were killing shots - either would leave a victim dying rapidly.

    "Rapidly" ain't half of it.  A severed aorta is, IIRC, the closest 
thing to an instant kill other than a clean head shot.  But it still 
takes the brain several seconds to start shutting down, so Gendo's got 
time to enjoy this experience.
    I don't like Gendo much.  Can you tell?  (:)

 >The
 > third shot had been the true surprise - someone had decided he was not to
 > die a man.

    And I'm not sure which one would have gone for this one.  Asuka seems 
like the prime suspect, but Rei's probably got more personal motive if 
she ever gets to the point of being able/willing to shoot Gendo.  And I 
wouldn't put that sort of symbolic punishment beyond Shinji, either, if 
he snapped.

Truly magnificent creatures, his Children.

    Yes, he has *so* much to be proud of.  But at least the kids got some 
of their own back.
    Nice bit of implication here -- suggests that all three did this to 
him, rather than just one or two.  Deftly handled.  Saying a lot with 
few words is a difficult art to master.
    Geez, I think my C&C has exceeded the original story's wordcount.


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