"Cute Kitsune Kaydee" <banksw@bellsouth.net> writes:
Disclaimer : "Here Disclaimer!" *Whistles* "C'mon boy!" *Claps hands
now* "Come here Disclaimer!"
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its characters do not belong to me,
but Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions.
While that works, it sounds awkward.
The series this crosses over
with does not belong to me.
It might be a good idea to mention the actual series at the end. For
two reasons: 1) insert normal reasons for a disclaimer here and 2) for
people who don't recognize the eventual cross, they may be inspired
enough to track down the series.
Xander was about to leave the costume store when he saw the perfect
costume.
Xander walked up to the store manager and said, "This is what I want,
but the robe is missing."
Ethan looked at the costume and had a perverted idea.
A little bit of character introduction is always a good thing. This
seems primarily a BtVS fic, so it's not like you have to introduce
every character; but it's not like Ethan was particularly major. The
perverted idea... is this really perverted, or just
malicious/mischievous or ?
"Let me go to the back and get it for you."
Ethan went to the back and took a small robe and cast an enlarging spell
on it.
'This will be perfect.' he thought. 'The chaos that will flow. This will
be totally unforgettable.'
For example, this doesn't really suggest perversion to me. It'd be a
good place to reinforce whether motivation you want to underly Ethan's
actions.
***
Xander looked over at the general gathering in front of the school. It
was crowded. Lots of people were there.
Larry came by dressed as a pirate and interrupted his musings.
"What are you dressed as Harris, lame ass. Hahahahahahaha."
"Larry, you realize that you are dressed like a pirate and that you are
being very talkative about men's asses?"
Larry raised a fist then. He acted like he was going to hit him.
Xander flinched. Larry laughed in Xander's face and then left.
***
What's the significance of this scene to your story? Right now I think
too much of the story is spent just re-enacting the entire
episode. (My memory could be faulty; it's been a long time since I've
seen it. But regardless of whether it's original or not, many of these
scenes seem to me to drag down the story's momentum).
Snyder turned and pointed to a group of children idly playing in the
front lawn. "This is your group, Summers. You will be paired up with
Levinson. No need to speak to them. The last thing they need is your
influence. Just bring them back in one piece and I won't expel you. Come
with me Rosenburg."
Buffy knelt down to the kids. "Hi."
Snyder abruptly turned around. "Ah, ah!"
***
For example, here. You started off the fic with the assumption that
people were familiar with BtVS, so you could skip through all the
setting up for the costume change.
The small green man looked at her and said "Yoda my name is not. Hapoda
my name is. The Force I use not. The Hentai I use."
Willow blinked and said "The Hentai?"
Hapoda looked at her and said "The Hentai all around us is. Surround us
it does. Gives us power it does."
An amusing image. It relies a bit on people having seen Star Wars,
Buffy, and Ranma 1/2, though; a bit more actual description might help
improve its independence.
***
Back in his costume Ethan was thinking 'I wonder how that boy I sold
Happosai's robe to is doing now?'
His costume? Or his costume shop?
Overall, this fic was decent. But I think it went on a little too
long, and could be shortened significantly simply by omitting
scenes. It was primarily dialogue based, but a bit more description
could be useful.