--- Raja <ratendido@mac.com> wrote:

Hi, my name is Rob, and I write fanfic...very, very slowly.  It's
been
about a year and a half since the last time I posted a chapter of
this.
I no longer have any pre-readers, so I would greatly appreciate any
and
all C&C on this.

Hi Bob,

I'm not sure why, but this chapter engaged me more than the previous
ones. The feel is very AMG-like and I was able to lose myself in the
storyline easily. I really don't have any quibbles with this chapter,
so my comments will be brief and for the most part editorial.

Megumi looked forward and saw that the ground ahead disappeared
into what looked like a thick fogbank.  "Hey, are you sure that's
safe?"

fogbank => fog bank

"Sorry," Peorth said contritely, even as she filed away the
information for future use.  "I presume that that contract was
cancelled as well?"

You can drop one of the instances of "that" here and it will flow
better, IMO.

Heimdall, back in his warrior avatar, knelt down and rested his
chin on the handle of his axe.  He kept his eyes on the box into
which the bugs had been siphoned.  It was starting to make ominous
click-of-death noises....

Technically, deities in AMG don't seem to have avatars, but I like it
anyway. It flows naturally and does a good job of presenting
Heimdall's dual nature. No need to make a change, really.

All in all, a very enjoyable chapter. I'm going to read the preceding
5 now.

Brian Welch


	
		
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