[FFML] Re: [Slayers]Slayers Inheritance Chapter 1


Hi, the name's Troy. Here're some comments - perhaps useful but only if seen in a good light.

 --- Michael P Hopcroft <mhopcroft@seraphimguard.com> wrote: >

The frist chapter of what I hope will be an occasional but hopefully 
good epic sga in the Slayers Universe. C&C appreciated.


Heh. Frist.

SLAYERS INHERITANCE

�You Must Meet My Daughter! The Fury of Anya Inverse!�

by Michael Hopcroft

The Ogre Claws were having a feast. True, it had been at the expense of 
the nearby farming village, from whom they had taken a good portion of 
the harvest and all the cast from the banks and treasury. But when 
bandits had a party, they partied hard! Wine flowed freely, the food was 
plentiful, and every virgin in the village was chained off to the side 
of the camp to provide the evening�s �entertainment�. Life was good for 
the bandits.


the cast?
I kinda understand that 'the cast' is probably something relating to money, but it makes little
sense. Either further explaination is needed, or you should change it around to something that'll
make sense to anyone who reads.

But when bandits had a party, they partied hard!

Repitition is bad, as it creates a kind of 'stale' feeling about writing. You want to be fresh
whenever possible:
But when bandits had a party, they did it right!

So none of them noticed when a petite young woman walked into their 
camp. They had not thought to post guards. The girl thought it was 
stupid of them, but typical of bandits. This was her graduation 
exercise, and if she couldn�t handle this she�d get a sever scolding.

The direct plan seemed best, but then she saw the girls, cowering in 
terror. The sight of it made the girl�s blood boil. Filthy bandits! No 
way was she going to let them have their way now! Abandoning her 
original plan, she muttered an incantation under her breath and pointed 
towards the captives. In an instant their chains fell to pieces, no 
longer connected, every link shattered. With a motion of her hands, she 
let one of the village girls know to run. The girls all took one look at 
her and ran as fast as they could. As soon as they were out of sight, 
she was ready.

�Hey, you! Having a party and not inviting me! How rude!�

The bandit leader, deep in his cups, looked up at her and noticed she


'deep in his cups' doesn't bring to mind an image of a man drinking, but of a man in a giant cup.
Needs a bit of work.

was wearing red and gold traveling clothes and a black cape. Her hair 
was long sand blonde, her frame petite but her figure full. Were it not 
for the air of menace she exuded, she would have been quite tasty. Then 
he turned his head and saw that his captives were gone.

�Hey! What happened to our girls? And who the hell are you?�

�I�m going to be your entrainment for the evening.� The girl said 
firmly. �But you won�t survive the performance...�


I was taught elipses terminating a sentance have four periods, not three.

�You�re pretty full of yourself, aren�t you, little bitch? You really 
don�t want to die in your innocence, do you?�

The girl smiled. �I have only one thing to say to that � FIREBALL!�


The girl smiled.
I was also taught something concerning smiles. There are many different kinds of smiles, so just
using the word on its own isn't enough. It's a weak description.
The girl confidently smiled.
... vaguely smiled.
... sadly smiled.

With a gesture, a ball of flame formed in her hand. She hurled it at the 
core of the bandit group and it exploded with a titanic boom, sending 
flames and charred bodies everywhere.�


Just noticing �. That's a character specific to some platform or other. You want to avoid such
fancy effects when sending to the list, and just use plain ol' ascii text, with _all_ special font
options turned off, as many people get a blob, 'stead of �.
If it's MS Word you're using, turn off all AutoCorrect options.

The rest of the bandits were coming out of their stupor and several of 
them charged towards her. Fine, she though, time to show them my other 
talents. In an instant a gleaming sword was out of her scabbard, and 
every bandit that approached was cut down before they could even react. 
After twelve bandits fell at her feet without a scratch being laid on 
her, the rest of the bandits began to back away. Seeing no opportunity 
to attack they waited as their leader approached her.


Perspective shift in the middle of paragraph is bad - it's like spinning around really quickly,
and the reader's focus is going to be quickly lost if it's constantly throughout the prose. You
want to start a new paragraph everytime the view changes - from the 'rest of the bandits' to Anya
back to 'the rest of the bandits', in this case. Also, 'she though' should be 'she thought'. Also,
single quotes might be used to distinguish thoughts from narration, in order to avoid unnecessary
confusion.

The rest of the bandits were coming out of their stupor and several of them charged towards her.

'Fine,' she thought. 'Time to show them my other.....

Seeing no opportunity to attack they waited as their leader approached her.

The man smelled of unwashed socks and other things too grotesque to 
mention. �Not bad. I�d think you were the legendary bandit-killer Lina 
Inverse if you didn�t have such a nice pair. If this is your audition, 
I�m impressed.�

�The performance has only started.� She replied.


had only started," she replied.

�But you�re not Lina Inverse. You know you can�t take on an entire 
bandit gang by yourself and win. What say you give up? Join our gang! 
Have some fun! Put your talents to profitable use.�

�As a bandit�s whore? I don�t think so.�

�Then we�ll just have to kill you after all, won�t we?�

�You first.�

The bandit leader backed away. �TEAR HER TO PIECES!� he commanded, only 
to be met by a flurry of flaming bolts decimating what was left of his 
band.

Now he was terrified. The strange sorceress had not said a word, and she 
had let loose a flurry of flare arrows? He was about to command a 
retreat, then he realized there was nobody left to command, only he and 
the girl were left standing.

The girl smiled. �And now I have MY fun. Any last words?�


Again, a smile on its own too weak to be a full description.

The leader gulped. �I must admit, this was a performance worthy of the 
legendary Lina Inverse. If you�re going to kill me, will you at least 
tell me who you are?�

�My name�s Anya. And my mother would appreciate the compliment. Just for 
that I�m going to let you live. Run. Run as fast as you can, and tell 
everyone you know about me. Tell them there�s a new Inverse in this 
world, and that they should find another way to earn a living if they 
want to keep on living. Banditry just became an unprofitable profession.�


Repition again - 'living' is used twice.

The bandit leader backed away long enough to make sure he wouldn�t get 
the sword in the back, and then he turned tail and ran.

Anya sheathed her sword and took out a whistle. Blowing into it, she 
waited for the answering whistle from over the hill. It came, and soon 
enough a covered horse-drawn wagon came over the hills.

A red-haired woman leapt out of the driver�s seat and smiled. �This is 
incredible, Anya!� she said. �Definitely up to the Inverse standards.�

�Thanks, Mom! Want to help me load the gold into the wagon?�

�Your father can do that. He�s still big and strong.�

A man with long blond hair leapt out of the wagon and went to where Anya 
pointed out the bandits� gold. �Did you use the sword technique I showed 
you?�

�I think I may have even improved on it. If any of them survived they�ll 
have something to remember.�

�That�s my daughter!� cried Lina Inverse. �A chip off the old block of 
both sides of the family!�

�Yeah, I�m impressed too!� said Gourry Gabriev.

Anya frowned. �These bandits were scum. Did you realize they were going 
to rape all the girls from the village? I can�t stand anyone who�d do 
something like that. The world is definitely better off without this gang.�

Lina kicked aside a corpse that was in her way. �Compared to what you�ll 
have to face in the future, these guys were saints. You haven�t seen 
Mazoku yet. They�re the real problem.�

�I know, as the daughter of history�s greatest monster-hunters, Lina 
Inverse and Gourry Gabriev, I am to carry on the fight, and so on. But I 
barely worked up a sweat against these bandits. And I�m starving.�


At this moment, I can't feel there's been anything in the scene between Anya and her parents that
has given us, the reader, anything new.

There's happiness, pride, and announcements about how the world should be. It's kinda... boring.

Where's the conflict? The blood? Violence?

A story is only interesting when there's something that the character is struggling against - in
the earlier scene, it was Anya beating the bandits. But this scene is trailing off, leaving the
reader with nothing to chew on.

And to be honest, the earlier part was just too easy for Anya too. Bandits are professionals at
being bandits, and would know how to fight. One would think a 'bandit hunter' still in training
would be a little more pressed to fight against them - it'd be more interesting if something that
made Anya worried happened! As it is, it's kinda alright, but I'm left a little lacking in the
'wow' factor.

�We�ll all have a big breakfast when we get into Derlis in the morning. 
Now help your father with the treasure.�

An hour later they were on the road. Anya was driving the wagon, wishing 
she could have spent the night in a nice soft bed. True, it had been a 
good night�s work, and she�d actually done something good by rescuing 
those girls, but surely there was more to being the daughter of a pair 
of legends than this?

Familiar yet disturbing noises came form the inside of the wagon. �Pipe 
down back there! Mom1 Dad! Can�t you wait for a bed?�


Mom1?
Mom!

Of course they didn�t hear her. Anya shook her head. At the rate they 
went at it, it was a continued source of amazement to her that she was 
an only child. Of course, she knew it was her mother�s fearsome 
reputation that stopped her from having to fight off the boys with a 
stick; not that they ever stuck around in one place long enough for her 
to get to know any boys her age.

The life of the road, of sleeping in inns and eating at restaurants, was 
the only life Anya Inverse had ever known. Her parents always had money, 
always could afford their massive meals and decent accommodations, but 
they had never settled down. It was better this way, of course; with all 
the powerful and cosmic enemies they had made over the years, the only 
way to keep the family together was to keep moving. And she was grateful 
they hadn�t foisted her on that awful aunt of hers.

Fact was that, in spite of everything, Lina and Gourry had turned out to 
be great parents. They were always there for her when she needed them, 
they had each taught her their trades, and she never lacked for anything 
she really needed. Every so often they would visit the court of Seyruun 
and she would have a grand time with the Royal Family; having 
connections was always handy. True, the children were all chimeras like 
their father, but they were good people and good friends. The second son 
was actually kind of cute�


Semi-colons should be avoided in prose. Either use a period, or if it makes no sense that way,
then you need to revise so a semi-colon isn't necessary.

And right now, there's a too much telling, and not enough showing going on.

If the Royal family of Seyruun isn't right in front of me, why should I care about them? They're
out of sight, out of mind.

A story should be about what's happening right in front of the reader's eyes. The attention of the
reader needs to be captured with action and movement - simply telling us about the family isn't
enough.

The activity in the back died down, to be replaced by quiet. At least 
they didn�t make much noise when they were asleep. In her mind, Anya ran 
through a series of incantations for new spells she was trying to learn.

Hours later Lina crawled into the driver�s seat. �OK, Anya. I�ve had 
enough rest. You should get some sleep yourself.�


OK -> Okay
Write the whole word, else it looks sloppy.

�I�m OK, Mom. And must you make that much noise every night? I mean, I 
know you love Dad and all, but really. People would think you were 
teenagers!�

�When you find your man, Anya dear, you�ll find out there�s no time or 
place that�s wrong to express your feelings.�

�From the noise, you�d think you were butchering cattle back there.�

�It�s not a silent activity � at least not if you�re doing it right � 
and believe me, your father does it right.� Lina took the reins. �Get 
some sleep, Anya. We�ll be in Derlis in a few hours. I have a feeling 
something special is going to happen in that town.�

Anya shrugged. �Good night, Mom. I�ll try not to wake Daddy with my 
snoring.�

�You don�t snore. Believe me, I�d know.� Anya climbed up into the back 
of the wagon, found her bedroll, and settled down to sleep.

A few moments later Gourry climbed into the driver�s seat beside his 
wife. He planted a kiss on her forehead and turned to face the road 
ahead. �You haven�t told her yet?� he asked.

�Why we�re going to Derlis? No. I don�t want to frighten her.�

�Did you have the dream again?�

�Worse. I think he�s trying to scare me.�

Gourry chuckled. �Little chance of that. Lina Inverse doesn�t scare that 
easy.�

�No, but Anya might. It may be up to her after all. We�ve both taught 
her well, but will she be ready? I�m worried about her. She didn�t 
choose this life, she didn�t choose her parents, and she sure as hell 
didn�t choose my enemies as her own.�


At this point, it's still telling versus showing.
You also switched perspective on the reader without a single word of warning, from Anya to Lina.
And it's a major shift that needs to be distinctly set off so that the reader knows.

********* <- A line is a good thing for such a moment.

�She�s a strong girl. What she needs to do when the time comes, she�ll 
find a way. And it�s not like she won�t have friends along the way.�

�I know. I just have the feeling that what she�s walking into � by all 
rights, it shouldn�t be her fight.�

Gourry smiled. �She�ll be OK. She may have your name, but she has the 
Gabriev bloodline as well. You know how hard it is to keep me down.�

Lina smiled back and kissed him. �You�re wonderful Gourry. Always there 
to pick me up when I get too serious. I hope she finds someone like you 
someday.�

�Only smarter.�

�Oh, I think big, dumb and gorgeous will do just fine. What other kind 
of man would fall in love with an Inverse?�


A sudden change of setting should also be marked.

Derlis was a medium-sized town of about a thousand people, a thriving 
merchant community with trade in goods m\both magical and mundane. 
Nobody met them at the town gates, so Lina just pulled up the wagon to 
an inn they�d stayed at before.�

The stable boy took the reins of their horses, unhitched them, and led 
them to the stables to rest. Lina prodded Gourry awake � naturally he�d 
fallen asleep in the seat � and called out �Oi! Sleepyhead! We�re here! 
Wake up and have some breakfast!�

There was a groggy murmur from the back of the wagon.

�DECLEARY!� cried Lina and a stream of energy flowed from her hands into 
the back of the van. A moment later Anya climbed out. She was awake, and 
she was none too happy about it.

�Mom! Did you have to wake me up with magic? I would have gotten up 
eventually.�

�We have to check into the inn, and then we need to get you your 
graduation breakfast,� said Lina, �and then we have some shopping to do.�


�We have to check into the inn, and then we need to get you your graduation breakfast,� said Lina,
�and then we have some shopping to do.�

This is considered weak. You want your dialogue together, and your narration together. Splitting
dialogue with narration weakens the dialogue - it's like moving when speaking - the attention of
the viewer is split in two directions.

�We have to check into the inn, and then we need to get you your graduation breakfast,� said Lina.
�And then we have some shopping to do.�
or
�We have to check into the inn, and then we need to get you your graduation breakfast, and then we
have some shopping to do,� said Lina.

Suddenly Lina stopped and looked around, as if she had sniffed something 
unpleasant in the air. �Anya, Gourry, inside.� She looked around and saw 
that Anya looked uneasy. Gourry, of course, hadn�t noticed anything. 
�What are you waiting for? Go!�

Anya took a step towards her mother, but Gourry pulled her into the inn.

Lina turned and was suddenly face to face with a familiar man with 
purple hair and priestly robes. �So you are here.� She said to him. 
�Can�t say I�m surprised.�

The man looked down trying to look innocent, which Lina knew meant his 
intentions were anything but. �Now, Lina, is that any way to greet an 
old friend?�

�Just tell me what you�re doing here. Oh wait, I remember, it�s a secret.�

�Children are such a hassle, aren�t they?� the man said. �Never do what 
you want them to. And you�ve never introduced me to the charming Anya. 
You have nothing to fear from me, Lina. Just ��he then paused and looked 
her straight in the eye. �Just don�t get in my way today. You wouldn�t 
like the consequences.�


Just -"he then
Just-" He then

�I was wondering when you�d get around to threatening me directly, 
Xellos. You know I�ve taken down bigger Mazoku than you over the years.�

�Yes, and I have a healthy respect for your power. But even your 
formidable powers are not going to be capable of handling what�s about 
to happen. I�d really hate to see anything happen to you or your family. 
Do you really think you can protect them, if it comes right down to it?�

Lina smiled. �As you are so fond of saying, Xellos, that is a secret.�

Anya looked back out the closed door of the inn, wishing there was a 
spell to turn wood into glass. �What�s going on, Daddy?� she asked. 
�Will Mom be alright?�

�Knowing your mother, she�ll be joining us for breakfast soon. She�s 
just paying the proper respects to an old friend.�

Anya and Gourry were shown to a table. Soon a girl walked up to their 
table carrying menus. The first thing Anya noticed about her was her 
bright purple hair; the second thing she noticed was that the waitress 
would not look her in the eye.

Anya took the menu and looked over the selections. �The griddle cakes 
any good at this place?� she asked.

The girl did not answer. Anya and Gourry looked across the table at each 
other and Gourry nodded.

Anya looked at the girl. �You�re not all right, are you? If you�re 
having a problem, you can tell us.�

The girl stood silently, now looking a little bit frightened.

Anya smiled at her. �Come on, girl to girl. I can tell something�s 
wrong. Are you afraid of sorcerers? Is that it?�

The girl stammered. �You; you�re a sorcerer?� she finally said.


One place a semi-colon doesn't belong is in dialogue - do you or anyone you know speak with
semi-colons? ^_^
Semi-colons are for complex subjects, but dialogue needs to be simple. Dialogue _must_ be simple.

�That�s right. And that�s my daddy over there. He�s the greatest 
swordsman in the world.�

The waitress swallowed hard, bent over and whispered in Anya�s ear. �I 
don�t want the boss to hear this, but, if you can � could you please 
kill me before it�s too late?�

Anya grew wide-eyed in shock. Gourry hadn�t heard what the girl had 
whispered into her ear, but he could tell Anya was stunned.

Anya spoke in a low tone, so that only the girl could hear. �I don�t 
want to kill anybody, and from what I�m reading you don�t really want to 
die. What are you afraid of?�

�He wants me. I know it. The man your mother is talking to outside. He�s 
come for me, and I�m sure he�ll make me do terrible things. Things worse 
than dying.�

�You�d better take our order before they get suspicious in the inn. I�ll 
talk to you soon. Nothing�s going to happen to you. Trust me?�

The girl looked at Anya wide-eyed, then slowly nodded.

�Good.� Said Anya. �Now take our order. And what�s your name? I like to 
know who I�m lending a hand to.�

�Titania>� the girl said. �My name is Titania.�


"Titania," the girl said.

�Well, Titania, I�ll have a triple portion of the breakfast special and 
a full pot of coffee.�

By the time Lina walked into the inn Anya and Gourry were already eating 
Titania was standing by the side of their table, as she had already been 
asked to bring several extra portions and nobody else was in the 
restaurant, everyone else being done with breakfast. Lina sat down, and 
looked over to Gourry, who nodded to her. She looked at Anya, who was 
dividing her attention between her meal and the waitress.

Anya finally got up. �I�m finished.� She said. �Titania, could you show 
me to my room please?� Titania nodded and went over to the desk for a 
key. Any followed close behind.

�I held back, just like you told me to� said Gourry.

�Good. You noticed that girl�s presence?�

�Even I noticed that. Think Anya could tell?�

�She wouldn�t be our daughter if she couldn�t. It�ll be very interesting 
to see what she�ll do now.�

Titania walked Anya over to the room, and handed her the key.

�Come inside for a moment?� Anya said. �We can finally talk in private.�

�I�m sorry; I shouldn�t involve you in this after all. It�s not your 
problem that I am the victim of wrongful life.� Titania turned to go, 
but Anya caught her arm.

�My mother had a friend who hates himself just as much as you say you 
hate yourself now, more in fact. Know what happened to him?�

�He died?�

�No, silly! He married a Queen who loved him no matter how monstrous he 
thought he was.�

�You can tell then? Things happen around me, horrible things. .My very 
presence seems to cause pain and misery to others I step out into the 
street; someone steps out in front of me and gets hit by a carriage or 
trampled by a horse. I�ve had hostels I�ve been staying in catch fire, 
killing everyone inside but me. Too many horrible things have happened 
that I can�t dismiss them as accidents anymore. And now he appears.�

�He? Who is he?�

�The devil priest. You must have seen him. He confronted my mother last 
night and demanded I come with him. She refused, and he left her in 
tears. She seemed to know him, and there�s something horrible yet 
familiar about him that I can feel.�

�He won�t get you, Titania. I won�t let him. And I don�t think any of 
those horrible things that happen around you are your fault. We are only 
responsible for what we choose to do, Titania. That�s what makes us human.�

�But you feel it? The presence around me? Everyone I�ve ever met who�s 
been sensitive to magic has sensed something about me. Surely you sense 
it too.�

�I sense some power, but that doesn�t make you a monster.�

�But what if that�s EXACTLY what I am? What if I really am monster?�

Anya smiled. �Then you�ll just have to be one of the GOOD monsters.� 
Anya looked at her. �Come on, Titania, surely you know how to smile.�

Titania responded with a wan smile.

�You can do better than that,� chided Anya. �Before we�re through I�ll 
even get you to laugh. And not a laugh of megalomania either, a real laugh.�

Outside the inn, the priest looked up as if he could see everything that 
was going on.

�So that�s the daughter of Lina Inverse,� he said to himself. "Well, I 
guess this is where it begins. I hope Lina can forgive me for what I�m 
going to have to do to that girl�.�

TO BE CONTINUED

Anyhow, you have something interesting in your writing. I really want to see more as I can tell
you have something awesome to show in your work.

You really do need to work on showing over telling though. Everything you've told the reader can
itself make for an interesting story. And there's so much you've told us that can be just ignored
- the trip from the bandit camp to the city is a good place to chop as it's a bunch of nothing
happening - I skipped over all of it looking for more meat.

The best sections of this chapter are the fight in the bandit camp, and when the family is
actually in the city. Write more like that, and you'll be doing well for keeping my attention for
longer periods of time.

There are also a few grammar issues you need to deal with. Specifically, I noticed you used this
for dialogue to narration: "Now, you see." He said.
It needs to be,
"Now, you see," he said.
This is because it's all one sentence.

I also noticed the use of semi-colons in the prose. Semi-colons are for complexe writings - prose
needs to simple to avoid confusing the reader. Dialogue within the prose needs to be even simpler.

And the special " quote character you used. That needs to go, as there are many different browsers
and OS's that won't show it. Use a universally accepted font, to avoid giving viewers blobs in the
middle of your writing.

And one thing I haven't mentioned yet. The characters are all a bit flat. There's not much to tell
one from the other - lines could be interchanged, and we wouldn't notice much of a difference.
Your strongest character is the bandit leader, as he's shown with different aspects of his
personality. He's a bully and a leader. He had edges. No one else really has this.

One thing I suggest is for you to try your hand at some shorter works, before starting on your
hundred thousand word epic. You really do have some quality ideas and an obvious talent, but you
really do need to work on strengthening your writing muscles.

Anyway, keep writing, and read lots too!

Troy Thomas

=====
My scribblings are found at my webpage:
http://ca.geocities.com/troythomas1/

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