I'm afraid that was bad on nearly every level there is. My recommendation of
what to tackle first is grammar. You need to improve on that a great deal to
make what you write coherent enough that people will want to read it. At
this point it doesn't matter how good an idea you have is, no one will want
to read it since it'll be so hard. Put most of your efforts into improving
your grammar. After you've improved on that a lot, you'll be ready to work
of things like plot, dialogue, and the other parts that make a story.

DB Sommer



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