Sorry, but I couldn't even make it through this one.

Some suggestions:

1: Credit the creators of these series by name. You are using their
characters without permission or royalties; giving proper credit for
those characters shows respect to those creators, costs you nothing,
takes very little effort, and if nothing else will make people like me
look a good deal more favorably on what you write.

2: Format properly. See the FFML FAQ for requirements, and for links to
programs that will do it for you. Your fic should be line-wrapped at a
fixed maximum width between 70 and 80 characters per line -- yours
appears to be somewhere around 140. Also, don't use platform-specific
characters like the directional quote marks and apostrophes; these will
show up on some systems as blobs or other weird characters. Just use
regular "flat" quotes that look the same opening as closing.

3 (and this is the biggie): Make a reasonable attempt to edit your fic
before you post it. It's okay to have a few typos or grammatical errors,
but a story this sloppily done tends to convey the impression that the
writer just didn't care all that much -- and if that's so, why should
anyone else care enough to read it? Language is a precise tool; learn to
use it, and you'll inspire more interest in your work if reading it
becomes a pleasure rather than a struggle.

Nothing personal, and good luck with this and any other fanfics you
might attempt.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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