[FFML] Re: [Fanfic] [R.5/DOA]


Hi, my name is Troy. I'm a total slacker, but here are some comments anyway. Mostly, they can be
ignored as they're not always well-thought out, but if there's anything useful, then.... :)

 --- Que <sesshoumaru18@yahoo.com> wrote:

Disclaimer:I do not own Ranma 1/2 or Dead or alive. All right belong to their respective owners


Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or Dead or Alive. All rights belong to the respective owners.

You should name the 'owners' too, in the disclaimer. Ranma 1/2 - Rumiko Takahashi. Dead or Alive -
(I don't know who developed this game as I've never played it, but it's your job to research it.)

R.5/DOA
                                                             Untitled


The story should at least have a title before being presented, even in a rough draft form. If you
have a title, then you have a good idea of the story's direction. It doesn't even need to be the
title you'll be using for the finished product, long as there's _something_.

                Ranma was born during one of the worst storms in recorded history and when Ranma
was taken from his mother and 
place in the daycare for infants while the mothers rested something strange happened the lights
blinked and flickered for several 
minutes and flashes of a tall, muscular man could be seen. He walked over to baby Ranma�s crib
and look him deep in the eye.


A seventeen space indent is just too much. And I can't properly read the story, not without a
great deal of effort; you might instead want to cut the lines off at around fifty to seventy-five
spaces instead of whatever it is you used. Most people won't read past the first line if the
sentence structure is in shambles - I almost decided to hit the delete button rather than make any
attempt to start reading the story.

Anyway, the opening line is terribly weak - it's telling versus showing (yes, the old cliche of
telling versus showing).

Let's go over the first paragraph, in as much detail as possible. I'll do some editing, in order
to clarify points I want to make.

Ranma was born during one of the worst storms in recorded history and when Ranma was taken from

his mother and place in the daycare for infants while the mothers rested something strange
happened the lights blinked and flickered for several minutes and flashes of a tall, muscular man
could be seen. He walked over to baby Ranma�s crib and look him deep in the eye.

Ranma was born


As far as first lines go, this is flat - you've _told_ us that Ranma was born. It may sound
surprising, but there is a great deal lost in narrative value when you tell versus show.

Ranma being born is itself a complete story, but you've merely stated it, like it's something that
he does everyday. But a birth is a huge event, with blood and screams, tears and pain. There's
something bound to go wrong, so that's why there's so many people involved, rushing about the
delivery room, making sure that no one dies. A mere statement - 'Ranma was born' - is likely to
get an equal response from the reader: 'why should I care?' Your job is to _make_ the reader care.

Ask some questions:

Who's involved in this birth? Ranma (of course). Ranma's mother (naturally). A doctor or midwife?
Is Ranma's father present? Are there nurses?

Where's this birth taking place? A hospital? Delivery room? What's this room like? Brightly lit?
Spacious? Cramped? Dry? Damp?

Is it a long delivery? Short?

Is it dangerous?

As a reader, I shouldn't have to ask these questions - too many plotholes, and I'll get tired of
falling into them and move on to another story. You, the author, need to have already answered
these questions in a manner that brings it all to life in the reader's mind. The read needs to be
smooth and paved.

during one of the worst storms in recorded history


How is it 'one of the worst storms in recorded history'? According to who? According to where? Is
there wind and rain? Hail? Snow? Are people dying? Floods? Electrical outages? How long has this
storm been going on? Does it seem like it will stop?

You can't expect the reader to fill in these blanks that a statement like 'during one of the worst
storms in recorded history' is supposed to bring to mind. That's too much work for the reader, and
it's not very fun.

I know you have a picture or image in your mind of how this storm is. You need to bring it all to
life for the reader with your words, 'cause -and this is important - we _can't_ see into your
mind.

and when Ranma was taken from his mother


I never even got to see him _with_ his mother. I feel cheated.

and place


and placed

(Keep close track of your verb tense. It's distracting to have one verb in past and another in
present, when both are in the same sentence.)

and place in the daycare for infants while the mothers rested something strange happened


There's nothing happening at this point. For fourteen whole words, you've left the reader high and
dry with an empty stage to stare at. Where's the conflict? Where's the action?

It may not seem like a whole lot, but this is fourteen whole words I'm talking about here! That's
an eternity for the reader. It's like having a stage with actors on it, but suddenly having all
the actors walk off, and not come back on for fourteen minutes.

something strange happened


Cut it. End the previous sentence, as it runs on (run-on sentence). It's also excessive and
meaningless. It's your job to show that something strange happened, not just tell the reader.

and place in the daycare for infants while the mothers rested something strange happened


and placed in the daycare for infants while the mothers rested. The lights blnked and

the lights blinked and flickered for several minutes and flashes of a tall, muscular man could

be seen. He walked over to baby Ranma�s crib and look him deep in the eye.

This is easily the best part of your introduction. You have something happening. Now you need to
do this for the whole thing! If you could write like this for an entire story, I'd definitely like
to read that story, so start doing this all the time!

But first,

He walked over to baby Ranma's crib and look him deep in the eye.

and looked him deep in the eyes.

I was getting this strange image of this guy looking at a one-eyed baby, like Lina from Futurama.

Anyway, let's take a look at how I might tailor an intro for a story:

***

Ranma's birth was as chaotic in the delivery room as it was outside the hospital with howling both
inside from the lady giving birth and outside from the winds crashing against the building.

***

As you can see, I've tried for as much as I could squeeze into the intro as possible with as few
words as I could muster (or rather, possibly hold back).

You would want to do the same - convey as much as you can without overwealming the reader's
senses, but first you need to start giving more information to the reader before ever trying to
hold back excess info, as right now, you're not giving very much to the reader anyway.

Anyhow, here's some advice. Before trying to write that epic thousand page turner crossover, you
may want to try writing a short story or two, to get your feet landed, and your legs used to
walking.

Finally, keep writing lots. And read lots too! I want to see you writing more and getting better
everytime!

Troy Thomas

=====
My scribblings are found at my webpage:
http://ca.geocities.com/troythomas1/

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