This particular story was started over a year ago
in an hour challenge.  It's about time I finished it!

And now that you have, it's about time I commented on it.

The newlyweds followed the owner of the inn down a
long hallway.  She stopped and gestured to a pair of
doors.  "The baths are here.  You might want to take
advantage of them while we prepare your dinner."

RANMA: Is this one of those places where we're invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid?

AKANE: You do, and I'll have to slug you.

The older Ranma nodded calmly, and began to undress.
"You ARE Ranma Saotome.  But so am I."  The younger
Ranma began to get up, but the older one gestured
for him to sit.  "Look, I don't understand this any
more than you do, but it reminds me of something I
saw on Star Trek about alternate universes.  Come
on, I've had enough weird crap happen to me not to
believe it, and I imagine you have too."

That seems a little too easy. I understand your not wanting to show the rather
predictable back-and-forth "No, *I'M* Ranma!" scene, but this would be easier
to swallow IMO if it hinted at a longer argument that we didn't see. This
especially goes for the third ones who show up in the next couple of bits.
Someone who looks like Ranma (or Akane) isn't necessarily a parallel-world
version; he/she could be a magical duplicate, or (especially in Akane's case)
someone transformed to look like the real character.

"I don't know.  I'm not sure if I can live without
Ranma.  I'm not sure if I want to.  I'm trying to
decide if I want to start again somewhere else, or
if I want to go to Ranma.  Maybe he's waiting for
me.  The two of you understand, don't you?  Nobody
else does, but you have to!"

Nice emotional bit here, but I'd really like some internal reaction from one of
the other Akanes. How does it feel to hear someone who is essentially yourself
talk about ending her own life?

out into the hallway to talk to my wife.  Don't even
think about getting in my way.  The shape you're in,
I could put you down with one hand."

RANMA #3: What if I *haven't* only got one hand?

RANMA #2: Then I'll cleverly yell "Look! Over there!" and sneak past you.

Newlywed Ranma sat silently, watching the
expressions change on his companion's face.  He
tried to put himself in the other man's position and
cringed inside.  If he'd lost his Akane, and knew
there was another one nearby, one who didn't belong
to him.he pushed the thought away and tried to think

him. He

"I'm sure my wife would be upset if she didn't get
to speak with you," said newlywed Ranma.  Won't you

Missing quote mark.

"Are you sure?" asked older Akane.   My husband was

And again here.

"Right here."  Newlywed Akane saw her husband's eyes
go to the opening at the top of her robe and note
the midnight blue lace peeping out.  Then he smiled
at her, and led her to their room.  The fire was
burning brightly in the fireplace, and they could
see the snow still falling outside.  Neither gave
another thought to the people they'd just been with,
because they had no memory of having met them.
Besides, distractions on a honeymoon are
simply...unnecessary.

IMO, it might be better to try to keep this within the viewpoint of the
characters. Just one of them wondering what they'd just been talking about and
wasn't there someone at the door just now would be enough to clue the reader
into their memory loss without having to break the story POV.

"Yeah, right.  The way my life's been goin' the past
couple of years, no way you can convince ME the kami
are on my side.  I figure you all have it in for
me!"  After finishing his statement Ranma sat beside

Actually, a screw-up like Urd as Ranma's guardian might explain a lot. ^_^;;

I thought the ending dragged a bit. You may want to look through all the
explanation and wrap-up and see if there's anything that can be cut.

As always, I'd be glad to hear from you.

Some nice emotional moments in this, but I'm not sure that the detatched
cinematic perspective that you've used is the most effective way to convey
them. Sometimes you can count on the readers to fill in things for themselves,
but in this case I think you'd have a more engaging read if you explicitly
delved into some of the characters' thoughts and feelings more than you have.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html


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