Hee! Hopefully, the manga release (and upcoming anime version) will
spark further commentary on this fic :P

Kagura decided to sit next to Osaka today. The pair gave thanks for

their

food and opened their homemade meals. Kagura began to eat heartily

from her

lunch while Osaka merely stared thoughtfully at hers.

"Should it be wiggling around and screaming like that?"

"Octopus balls," Osaka said as she continued contemplating her food.

"Don't

you think it's wasteful to kill eight octopi just to make one box of

these?"

Kagura, used to Osaka's strange questions, laughed. "It doesn't take

an

entire octopus to make one octopus ball. You can easily get that many

from

just one."

Osaka stared at her lunch in confusion. "It only takes one?"

"Yep."

"That's amazing," Osaka said in awe. "The octopus must be the most

virile

creature in all the world if each one has eight bal-"

Hell, it even beats a dragon's measly *seven* balls!

Though, in retrospect, it's odd that she her previous idea was that it
was one ball per octopus. Shouldn't she have commented that they'd have
to kill four octopi to get eight balls? Or is her particular form of
math at play here? ^^

Kaorin entered her classroom, shoulders drooping low. She was

depressed,

like always, at being separated from her idol, Sakaki and being stuck

with

Kimura-sensei. It was as if the afterlife was a baseball league and

she had

been traded from her team in Heaven to the one that was based in Hell.

IOW, she's no Cubs fan.

As she looked around the class, she saw a most peculiar sight. There

was a

little girl, a few years younger than Chiyo, standing next to Kimura.

The

teacher was in his usual state; mouth agape and glasses permanently

fogged.

Which, coincidentally, was also the Kasumi-inspired state of his cousin
Tofuu.

Kimura shook his head. "This is my daughter, Aya."

The girl bowed deeply.

"I can do neat tricks with your mitochondria! Wanna see?"

Finally finding something not of purest evil regarding her stalker,

Apparently, Kaorin hasn't heard of The Omen --else, she would expect
evil's offspring to be even *worse*.

"Because I like high-school girls too!" She jumped up and latched on

to

Kaorin, rubbing her face between the older girl's breasts.

And so it is revealed: Professor Kimura's true identity is Ataru
Moroboshi!

Kimura shook his head sadly. "A rival for my Kaorin-chan's affections,

and

my daughter no less. How tragic."

......

I think it's deadpan delivery that really sells the joke ^_^

All Kaorin could do was convulse in terror at the lump that was trying

to

become a permanent attachment to her chest.

And all the while, the little girl kept repeating one word...

"Sweeto!"

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hm. Would that classification warrant a "Lemon" tag? Or, conversely, a
Vin Diesel cameo?

~~Putting in a Good Word~~

Yomi twiddled her thumbs as she peered over the edge of her book,

trying her

hardest to appear as though she was deeply engrossed in it.

Uh... "The Seven Diets of Highly Efficient People"?

"Sure you were, you were making like you were reading your book but

you were

staring at Yoshi over there."

Well, I suppose a neon-green dinosaur with boots *would* incite a couple
of stares...

Tomo smirked at Yomi. "So, you're interested in Yoshi. Good for you. I

was

beginning to think you didn't like guys."

"I like them just fine!" Yomi snapped, then quieted down again.

And, just for a moment, they thought they could hear a million shoujo-ai
fans cry out in unison...

Tomo laughed. "Too shy, huh? Don't worry about it. Let your best

friend in

the whole world put in a good word for you so he'll ask you out," she

boldly

proclaimed.

Yomi looked at her in surprise. "You'd do that for me?"

"Sure. We're buddies, aren't we? You leave things to me. I'll have the
problem solved in no time."

Yomi watched as without the slightest hesitation, Tomo walked over to

Yoshi

and started engaging him in conversation.

o_O Here we have Exhibit A in the case of hormonal rush impairing a
typically-intelligent individual's rational thought.

"What was I thinking?!" Yomi darted out of her seat and headed toward

Tomo,

who was doing all of the talking while Yoshi stared dumbfounded at

her.

Yomi drew close enough to hear Tomo speak.

Tomo: Oh yeah, I know her exact measurements by heart! And she can bend
her legs aaaaall the way around her-- *ugh!*

Yomi: <withdrawing her fist> Silence!

The rest was cut off as Yomi brought her arm under Tomo's chin and

began

choking her while simultaneously dragging her off. "You idiot!"

XD

"Don't hold this against her, she's basically nice..." was all Tomo

got out

was her supply of air ran out and her eyes began to roll in the back

of her

head.

"She's really a very sweet girl... She's just a violent maniac."

Yoshi trembled slightly as he stared wide-eyed in the direction the

girls

had disappeared. "Whoa. I thought Tomo was full of crap, like always,

when

she was describing Yomi. But after seeing her in action firsthand, I

guess

she is violent and unbalanced. It's a good thing I discovered it

before I

asked her out. I'm not into abusive relationships."

;_; Poor Yomi...

That was Ryu. He always was the first to push others into things,

especially

 since he never did anything himself.

Not after that embarassing deal at the latest Street Fighter tournament,
anyway.

Kazuki stopped directly behind her standing form. He felt like falling

over.

...so he did.

"Aaah!"

"...?"

"Sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to fall on you!"

"...your hands."

"Yiii!"

"Aaa, Sakaki-chan's glowing bright red!"

A high-pitched, "Sure," was given in response.

Kazuki's heart felt the bliss that only the young in love could

experience.

He was surprised that Sakaki's voice sounded so perky, though. She

tended to

speak low and quietly. He opened his eyes...

....and found himself staring at empty air.

He looked all around, spotting Sakaki standing several desks away. The

only

way she could be so far from him was if she had left the moment he

closed

his eyes. But then who had accepted the offer?

"What are you looking for?" A voice below his line of vision inquired.

The nearest noose from which to hang, I figure.

Laughing nervously, he looked down to see Chiyo staring up at him. He

looked

around, and suddenly noticed everyone watching him closely, the words,
"Chiyo-chan," "date," and "pedophile," dominating the conversations.

Even the ones among his friends? Ouch.

Wonder about Chiyo, though. Who could have thought she was interested in
(far) older men? :P

Keiko Onamuri cracked her knuckles as she sat back in her seat and

waited

for Kimura-sensei to show up and start class.

Two days later, the newspaper ran a rather nice and eloquent obituary
for a Professor Kimura:

"He who lives by the schoolgirl, dies by the schoolgirl."

It had been an eventful day
for the new transfer student and self-proclaimed 'Queen of the

Sukeban.'

Not to be confused with the King of the Sukebe.

The girl became meek, trembling like a mouse. "All I mean is, Sakaki

up in

Room 2-C is said to be the toughest girl in school. They say no one

has ever

beaten her. They say she's so violent, her hands are always bandaged

because

of all the people she beats up with her fists."

"And there are rumors that she's always fighting this gang called 'The
Biting Cats,' every day, after school."

Keiko walked boldly to the center of the room and shouted, "Where is
Sakaki?"

Keiko: Because of you, I've seen hell!

Chiyo: Really?

Keiko: Well, no. But it's a hell of a catchphrase, no?

A girl sitting in the seat right next to Keiko rose to her feet. The
self-proclaimed sukeban was momentarily taken aback by the height of

the

girl, who towered a full head above her.

Heh! Reminded of a similar scene from Back to the Future 2. ^_^

Refusing to be daunted, she craned
her head upward to issue her ultimatum to Sakaki eye to eye.

Or eye-to-chest, as it were.

Keiko gushed, "I've met the girl of my dreams. She's so cool, and

tall, I'm

simply overcome with emotion. She makes me feel like a bud in the

spring."

O_O

"A bud in the spring"?! I love it! XD

Keiko sighed in adoration as hearts filled her eyes. "I'll make Sakaki

mine

no matter what it takes."

A collective gasp filled the room.

"Kaorin's will kill her if she does."

All the people in class stared in shock at where she had departed. All

save

one, who glared darkly. A moment later, she rose to her feet and went

in the

same direction Keiko had.

Leaving blood, devastation and really nasty vibes in her wake.

Chiyo barely managed to squeeze past between Sakaki and Kagura, then

was

brought up short as well. The sight before her was something she

hadn't

envisioned, even in her wildest dream.

Kaorin was perfectly fine, looking in a mirror as she washed her

hands.

In a way, that's kinda creepy ^^; Hopefully, Kaorin won't ever see
Kamineko bite Sakaki's hand, or else we'll see a reenactment of Fatal
Attraction's "bunny stew." @_@

Tomo pouted. "Aw. She's not mangled. You said she was going to be

mangled,

Chiyo. I've never seen someone mangled before. This is very

disappointing."

XD Nice to see she has her priorities straight.

Chiyo said, "You came into the bathroom when Keiko was in it. We all

thought

you were going to die."

"Or at least end up mangled," Tomo piped in.

XD

Kaorin shot a glare in the direction of the stall. Almost as if

sensing the

ire, the moaning stopped. Satisfied, Kaorin turned back to the others.

"It

was nothing, really. Keiko and I had a difference of opinion. But like

two

civilized girls, we discussed the matter and came to a mutual

conclusion."

Another moan came from the stall.

"What's her problem?" Tomo asked.

"Constipation," Kaorin answered. "Why don't you guys tell me what

Yukari's

been like since I've left?" She ushered the others out of the

bathroom,

grabbing the plaque as she exited the room.

;_; Poor Keiko.

Of course, you realize that you'll have to start a new fic series based
on the two K's ongoing rivalry over Sakaki's affections, right?

Tomo frowned. "Aw, I was hoping you'd teach it so you could tell us

some

really ero ero stories."

Yukari waved her hand dismissively. "Don't be silly. I'm not that sort

of

girl. I'm as pristine as the virgin snow."

*facefault*

Right.

Tomo appeared surprised. "Really? That's funny. I had you figured for

the

type that gets asked out a lot because of your looks, but once the

guys find

out what your personality is like they try to beak up with you, and

you use

sex to try to salvage the relationship. I guess it just goes to show

you

can't judge a book by its cover, right?"

Yukari brought the rolled up sheet of papers in her hand down hard

enough on

Tomo's head to knock her out of her seat.

"Aa, Tomo-chan nokauto ya..."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yukari had departed the classroom a long time before the school nurse

who

would be instructing the class, appeared.

Errant comma before "appeared."

She separated the boys from the
girls, and sent the men to a different class where a male instructor

would

teach them the finer points of the sexes.

Kimura: And the two most prominent of those finer points are...

The nurse introduced herself as a matter of formality, since the

students

saw her frequently. Once that was over, she asked, "Are there any

questions

before we begin?"

Chiyo raised her hand.

"Yes?" the nurse asked.

"Can a woman really [EXPLETIVE DELETED] her [EXPLETIVE DELETED] with

her

[EXPLETIVE DELETED]?"

The nurse stared at the little girl in shock. It took her nearly a

full

minute to shout,

"Of course not! At least, not before [EXPLETIVE DELETED] with some
[EXPLETIVE DELETED] first! Really, *what* are they teaching you kids
these days!"

"Actually, it was Kurasawa-sensei."

"Kurosawa," actually.

It was from the time at the beach.
Curiously, when Chiyo had asked Kurasawa the same question the next

day the

teacher had appeared shocked by it as well and never did answer the

question

..

The ellipsis broke off there at the end.

"I... see," the nurse said slowly as she turned to exit the room.

Nurse: <thinking> I never thought Kurosawa-sensei could be so...
knowledgeable! I must seek her out at once!

Chiyo sighed in frustration. How was she expected to learn anything if
people wouldn't tell her the answers to her questions?

I dunno, the Internet?

"I will never go on a double date with you again," 'Nyamo' Kurasawa

grumbled

to Yukari, trying to keep her voice low so the rest of the faculty in

the

teachers lounge couldn't hear what she was saying.

"I have no idea of what you're complaining about," Yukari responded.

"When my guy asked me to go for a walk in the park, you jumped on his

back

and shouted, "No, you can't have her, she's mine!'"

XD

"MY wiggy! Mine! I will hug her and pet her and call her George!"

"I have never been knocked up by any guy I slept with!" Nyamo shouted.

Her cry attracted the attention of the rest of the teachers.

Scandalous

expressions were etched on each of their faces.

Shocking!

Before Nyamo could stammer out an explanation that no one would

believe

anyway, the crackle of the public address system filled the air.

"Kurasawa. Office. Now."

Nyamo paled. "Oh my god! That was the principal.

"He must have psychic powers to have heard me all the way to his
office!"

And he summoned me to the
office in the exact same tone of voice he does to you all the time,"

she

said to Yukari.

Heh!

Yukari looked at her suspiciously. "Did you do something with a

student you

shouldn't have? You have been pretty desperate lately. Teacher-student
flings are always doomed to fail before they start. And why didn't you

let

me know you had a younger guy in your back pocket? Is he any good?"

O_o Yukari must be feeling particularly vindictive, or she's started
hitting the sauce earlier in the day.

The principal braced his elbows on the desk, steepling his hands as he
brought them together before his face. "It's my understanding that you

had a

talk with one of Yukari's students, our little prodigy, Chiyo? It was

a

conversation concerning the finer points of male and female

interaction?"

Judging from the [EXPLETIVES] that were deleted, it sounded more like
just "female" without the interaction. O_o

The look of irritation spread from the principal's eyes to the rest of

his

face. "Really, Miss Kurasawa, what could you have been thinking

telling

someone so young such things? Have you no sense of propriety? No

shame?"

"No spinal column?"

Hesitantly, Nyamo said, "Well, actually, they can."

"Oh please." He snorted derisively.

Heh!

After a few moments of contortionism, Nyamo unwound her limbs,

satisfied she

had made her point. "See? It can be done. Good thing I was in

gymnastics. My

old coach used to tell me I have a Slinky for a spine-"

Ah, so Nyamo's background as a Cirque du Soleil performer comes to
light.

Her eyes goggled at the sight before her. While she had been in her

twisted

state,

Not to be confused with Yukari's own twisted state. Or Kimura's. Or the
state of New York.

The principal wandered aimlessly about the halls of the school, his

mind

still trying to process exactly what it had seen and failing

miserably. As

he walked, lost in thought, he stopped as he came up in front of

someone who

was so like him it was as if they were a pair of matched bookends.

They

stared at each other for a moment, two mirror images of one another.

"Freak," Kimura said, before walking off.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nice payoff :D There was a bit of stilted flow at the start of a couple
of vignettes, but it was otherwise an extremely funny fic, and you've
captured the feel of the show quite accurately. More!


Jorge A. Pratt
jorgepratt@prodigy.net.mx
terbril@rocketmail.com



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