Bleh. Nobody is commenting on this, so I thought I'd hit a few points.
From: "Ian Tharp" <tharpi@adelphia.net>
Date: 2004/03/18 Thu PM 08:24:37 GMT
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Subject: [FFML] [FFML][Ranma/Sailor Moon]Honor Duty Pain
Honor, Duty, Pain. The Saotome/Senshi Series
Saotome/Senshi? What exactly does that mean?
Sailor Moon - timeline Pre-Hotaru's re-awakening as Saturn. All inner Senshi are assumed to be 15 - 16.
This is confusing; does it occur during Sailor Moon S, or does it occur during Sailor Moon Super S/Stars (depending on whether this is manga or anime)? "re-awakening" would imply the latter, since it is then that she becomes Saturn again, but Hotaru is Saturn's reincarnation, so it might mean her awakening in Sailor Moon S as being her "re-awakening"....
Better to just drop the above bit and just stick with the "This occurs before Sailor Moon Super S" that you have further down.
Ranma-chan stood near another soldier, as wave after wave of dark shadowy creatures assailed them. Being female seemed completely natural at the moment, but a greater panic came from the setting she was situated in. She and her apparent comrade in arms were fighting in deep space, and whoever the enemy was; there was no doubt that they would be unable to hold out much longer. It wasn't that they were
Okay. This is what you have established so far; Ranma is watching these events as an outsider. Why do I say that? Because he doesn't know who he is fighting with or against. So, keeping that in mind...
losing to a single enemy, there were just too damn many to fight all at once. As she feigned an attack one direction and attacked in another, her ally, a girl in a sailor fuku, was wielding a massive weapon and vanquishing her enemies at a great efficiency. Ranma herself was throwing energy attacks left and right vaporizing enemies.
Again, still watching. That's fine...
Three lines between paragraphs is two too many.
wounds were just far too numerous. What was most startling was the fact, that this great fighter was merely a child.
"If someone can survive this fight, I would hope it could be her." Ranma thought as she realized the desperate fight they were conducting. The line of thought resulted in an epiphany.
Okay. Here's the problem; you have nothing backing this idea up, that Ranma feels children should be protected. It's an automatic idea that you are assigning to his character here, and so it feels empty. There are, I think, three ways around this; have Ranma feel some connection with the child that is carrying over from the previous life that he is viewing, have Ranma remain an observer and simply watch as his other self sacrifices herself for the child (and have him wonder what their relationship is, who the child is, whatever), or develop within the story a strong drive on Ranma's part to justify his drive to protect the child. The third is the hardest to do at the beginning of a fic; the other two approaches would be easier. Any of these solutions would give more meaning to Ranma's self-sacrifice than the pointless and standard one you have now.
As the fic currently reads, you seem confused about whether Ranma is an observer or a participant. Bouncing back and forth between the two just makes the story weak and ineffective; there is nothing for the reader to grip strongly to in order to empathize with Ranma.
"Oh come on Akane! How many times did I call Ryoga P-Chan, or sneak into your room with a kettle. But I swore on my honor that -"
You're painting Ranma as being ridiculously stupid here. More to the point, you're once again assigning things to the character without backing them up. Ranma promises not to reveal the secret of a dog in the manga; no such promise is given to Ryouga. At no point in the manga is Ranma's honor given as a reason for not telling Akane about Ryouga's curse (in fact, in the manga, honor isn't really used outside of Ranma being pushed into something by Genma and Soun). For you to just use that trot that out, when there isn't really anything to support it, instantly makes the reader (unless they've been soaked in fanon, in which case somebody should light their sorry ass on fire) stop and say, "Hey! That's not right!" Further problematic is that Akane getting mad at Ranma for not revealing the curse is rather cliche and stale, so seeing it generally causes a lack of trust in the author; if the author is using something that's been done so many times before and not doing anyth!
ing new with it, will the rest of the fic be as unoriginal? I'm not saying you have to come up with a different reason for Ranma leaving the Tendous, but the one you have now is neither new nor well-written enough to offset the staleness.
"Akane, I..." he tried to respond only to notice himself in darkness as the giant mallet descended, eclipsing everything. He joined the darkness immediately as unconsciousness overtook him.
Despite fanon insistence, Akane is not mallet-happy. Well, not in the manga. I don't know about the anime, pile of steaming shit that it is.
"Ranma, you were released from your contract far too early I think." She continued despite the wince and fear prevelant on her son's face. "Oh you are most definitely a man amongst men so no worries about your death, however in many ways you are also still a boy. The honor a man understands is different then the honor a boy plays at understanding. Obviously you have not yet matured enough to fully understand this."
Unfortunately you haven't developed honor within the fic at all; there is no feel that Ranma tries his best, or even at all, to be an honorable person. Because of that, coming up with his misunderstanding of honor as a reason for needing to move out and come to a new understanding of what exactly honor entails doesn't work; there's no foundation of a problem for a solution to follow naturally from. All you've done here is tossed out a half-assed, unsupported "Ranma doesn't understand honor" example; that's not enough to base a fic on.
"But, I think that happened because your father and Mr. Tendo never learned those lessons as well." She added with sigh. She acknowledged the fault in Ranma's upbringing. It had taken sometime, but she realized Ranma couldn't understand how some of his actions were contradictory. New steps needed to be taken.
This is author-interjection in the form of Nodoka suddenly growing a brain. It's fine to change characterization, but here you're just assigning completely different behavior to Nodoka; behavior that does not support her past actions at all.
"Then you are still three years away from coming of age. That could explain many things. Perhaps it would be best if you were mentored under someone who just recently went through the ceremony. Living with him, instead of your
Ceremony? I don't get it.
father or Mr. Tendo might brighten your horizons to the world, and make you understand what honor truly means. Of
Honor is not an established working concept in either Ranma or Sailor Moon. You need to invent your own outlook for the story and filter everything for how that outlook of honor will be explored within the fic. As it is, you're just assigning things again; you tell the reader that Mamoru is an honorable person (according to Nodoka), yet at no point is that part of his character explored in Sailor Moon; there's nothing backing the idea up but what you write to support it, and you've written nothing to do so.
"Ranma, that's very good of you, but it won't be like your moving to China. I was actually thinking of having you move
When did he move to China?
"A young man named Chiba Mamoru. He is a very manly and studious man. Whenever I visit him, he is often surrounded by these five other girls. Although he lacks your training, he understands many other things you don't." Nodoka stated,
I'm going to need a list of items here.
"I don't understand exactly what I did wrong, but I'm sorry. If you wish to hit me again, I understand." He added on the end as he remained bowed and waited for the mallet, the fist, the chair, or whatever implement of destruction she was going to wield against his skull this time.
I don't understand what he did wrong, either; you've not written it into the fic, really, that he was.
"Lets see, what's there to say. I'm 17, practice the art, and am heir to my school." Ranma said nonchalantly.
"What school do you practice?" probed the older man.
"Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts." Ranma said as with pride. Mamoru though seemed at a loss to the name of the school
If Mamoru is a close friend of Nodoka's, or even a fairly close aquaintance, he would know about her son; family is a natural subject to talk of, isn't it?
"When I was little I was in a car accident. Both my parents died and they couldn't find any relatives to take me in. To make it even harder, I couldn't even remember who I was. Your mother, who as she told me, had lost contact with her own son decided that being a foster parent might fill the void. I stayed with her for many years but eventually I felt I needed my own place to grow. Her views on manliness scared me a little. So I moved out to this apartment. She still supports me and despite the show back there of introductions, I consider her to be the closest thing to a mother I ever remember having." He concluded with some pride resonating in his voice.
Yup. He'd know all about Ranma. Also, IIRC, Mamoru was six when the accident happened and his parents died. If he is twenty now, Ranma would have been three at the time, and so they would have spent three years together before Ranma and Genma left on the training trip. So there should be some time between the accident and Nodoka's coming into contact with Mamoru, if you want the timing to work out.
If I'm wrong on his age, that's fine, but it's something you need to account for.
All eyes turned to the Senshi of Time. While it was true that she knew more than anyone about the future held, she also knew that she wasn't allowed to know everything. She had attacked Hotaru as well, without knowing how things could have turned out. Chibiusa's faith in her had been shattered for a time. But hindsight was 20/20, and they were asking for foresight.
Bleh. I don't really get what she can and can't know; SM S in itself was contradictory, so whatever. As long as you don't get too messed up with it, whatever works, I guess.
She knew the future she was trying to help create. But
Create? Fanon, fanon, fanon... bleh. It's annoying to see.
finally drew to a close and returned to a relaxed pose. The girls were about to race to make introductions to this fine specimen of man when the demon attacked.
Small point; Ranma ain't no prize, as far as looks go. The manga says that straight out in the arc where Kodachi goes up against Asuka(?) the White Rose, or whatever.
This was definitely a full blown demon. Merely beating it was no longer an option. It would have to be destroyed.
Uh...where the hell does this knowledge come from?
"The park is a place for relaxation and exercise, not for ambushes and terror. In the name of Venus, Mars and Jupiter, we shall punish you!"
Bleh. This is a pet peeve of mine; people who can't write lists properly. "First, second, and third." is the proper format of a list. Yes, there are published books and newspapers that don't do it that way, but they're incorrect and lead to lack of clarity in writing. Here is an example; "Bob, John and Mary, Jason and Sherri went home seperately." Now, who went home with whom? John and Mary went home together, you can guess, but did Jason and Sherri go home together, or seperately? It's impossible to correctly determine grouping when a list is not written out properly.
Aside from that issue, when you write a list as "First, second and third," anybody who is accustomed to the correct manner of listing will trip on "second and third" because the expectation is that those items are grouped together, with more items following. The correct ", and" forecasts the end of a list, and without that, the reader isn't expecting an ending.
A blue haired senshi knelt down, as a visor appeared over her eyes and a small computer appeared in her hands. "It was a youma, with an energy signature similar to Queen Beryl's minions." She said with some surprise escaping in her voice.
Queen Beryl was dead, as were all her generals.
This is an obvious POV problem. First you said "a blue haired senshi," which indicates that you are in Ranma's POV and that he doesn't know the names of the senshi, and then you give senshi-specific knowledge that he could not possess. The Beryl comment needs to be cut or given through dialogue by a senshi.
"Uh, OK, so long as I don't have to hit you. I don't fight girls." he said, as Makoto grabbed one arm, Minako the
WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! Fanon cliche bullshit alert!
Here's a few women Ranma has fought, knowingly (as a guy, even); Akane, Kodachi, Shampoo, and Kiima (more than once). There is only one point in the manga which indicates that he is reluctant to fight girls, and since that comes up in the fight with Konatsu, it can be taken as an obvious joke. Going with this "I don't fight girls" thing contradicts the manga directly. It's hard as a reader to credit anything so stupid and nonsensical.
"Yeah, currently four are trying to get me to marry them. And then there are all the people who want to kill me because they want to marry one girl or another. Its all Pop's fault really." he said with a snort, before
Story time! This is always annoying. People don't meet suddenly and start discussing their private lives so casually, in general. In fics, it's very hard to credit.
"I'm the best." He responded with pride.
...has this ever been said outside of a fanfic? I don't recall it being so.
Ranma examined Haruka. Judging by the clothes and stance, Ranma considered him a fair opponent. Of course, for all his observations, he didn't notice the fact she was actually female.
Right. He can judge skill merely from the way somebody stands and what they're clothes look like, but he can't judge gender? Sorry, not believable.
"I win aga..." he stopped as he realized a male chest didn't curve that way. Realization and a wave of fear overtook him. "You're a girl?!? Akane's going to kill me. I'm sorry." He spat the words out with genuine sorrow, as he bowed repeatedly.
What the hell does Akane have to do with this fanon tripe?
Rei knew the girls were suspicious and would be no matter what. They had fought too many demons to count. Even if he had saved their lives today, and helped kill a youma, it didn't mean it couldn't be a plot. But too many times they had made the wrong mistake of someone who later was a friend, or sometimes even an ally. She decided for once, maybe she should take a chance and think the other way. She spoke up once more.
Uh. Fanon. There's no support for this general suspicion.
To Ranma it seemed so familiar to the last time he met a girl. Silently, he hoped it would result in the same problems.
Would? Or wouldn't? Either way, it's vague.
Anyway, that's it.
Overall, you've got quite a few problems with the technical aspects of the story. Comma usage is particularly vexing. There are quite a few misused words as well. The content itself is filled with cliches that simply aren't true, so it feels as though you don't have a real grasp on the source material at all. This is more apparent for the Ranma aspects of the story than the Sailor Moon, though there are issues from both sides.
Main problems I think you need to address; get the honor thing hammered out as a solid story theme that everything is filtered through, or drop it; cut the fanon nonsense; come up with a more read-worthy ejection from Nerima--unless the reason really matters, just start the story in Juuban and, if asked, have Ranma state that he was having problems at his own home and so his mom arranged for him to move in with a family friend; and get the whole dream sequence sorted out.
Hope this helped.
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'