Thanks, once again, for taking the time to check this over!
It looks like I should have proofread once or twice more :(

Oh, well.

Michael A Chase wrote:

Suggested changes: {before : after}

On 03/15/2004 10:40 AM, hkmiller said:
 

Kirika shook her head sadly.  "There's nothing we can do.  Their 
bodies have been swept down the river.  I'm sorry."
   

I like the revised order with 'sorry' last.  Kirika's people skills are
still a bit weak.
 

Yes, I thought this sounded a lot more like her "voice".

"Mother and Father worked most of the time.  They traveled a lot, 
too.  I think they only adopted us because Grandpa liked us, and they
thought we'd be cheap company for him," the Javanese girl, Tati, 
remarked quietly.
   

One of the girls called them Mom and Dad earlier.
 

I'll revisit, but I was trying to differentiate Tati's speech patterns 
from Aditi's
more than in the pre-reader draft (where they were indistinguishable).

"Are you guys detectives?" Aditi asked eagerly.  "Or secret agents? 
Or superheros?"
   

Or magical girls?
 

Heh.  I can just see Mireille's reaction to THAT suggestion.  Hmm...
but Kirika, at least, presumably knows what they are...

"Actually, I know a little Euskara," Kirika remarked absently, 
turning on the car's radio and putting the earphones on.

"You would," Mireille muttered.
   

It actually makes a lot of sense if the Manor is relatively close.
 

Hmm.  True.  And I was thinking that I was stretching it there.
Well, good.

"You guys killed all four of them just like that!" Tati added from 
beside her, eyes shining in adoration.  "I wish we could do that!"

"No, you DON'T!" Mireille and Kirika yelled in desperation. "Just get
down here!"
   

Altena must be laughing her ass off, wherever she is.  Grandchildren are 
a parent's revenge.
 

Heh.  Now THERE'S an image.

Boris Sarkhovsky's eyes turned to Mireille and Kirika.  "Girls 
have... no living relative," he struggled to get out.  "My friend... 
Catholic priest... will take them.  Address... in pocket."  His eyes 
returned to Aditi and Tati, and he smiled in love.  "Have to... go 
now.  Beloved granddaughters, try... be like... these angels.  We'll 
be..." A sudden spasm took him, "...together... heaven."
   

It seems odd to me that his captors would have left anything in his 
pockets.  Maybe they left the paper on the table after searching his 
pockets.
 

Now that you mention it, it IS odd.  I'll look at that again.

Kirika smiled shyly as she settled herself into Mireille's embrace. 
"That sounds like fun."
   

That's a good place to end this sequence.  Mireille's not ready to go 
further and Kirika probably wouldn't understand the implications.
 

Glad you think so.




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