Suggested changes: {before : after}
On 03/15/2004 10:40 AM, hkmiller said:
Boris could no longer see his tormentor clearly{, :} in the dim light
filtering into this dungeon from somewhere above, but he could still
hear the oily hate in that voice. The owner of that voice was
furious that anyone else had the gall to go on living without his
leave. "How long will you hold out when we begin smashing your
granddaughters' faces with a sledge hammer? The last thing their
eyes see in this world will be your obstinate refusal to save them."
- - - - - - - - - -
Kirika Yuumura woke to the sound of gunshots. She felt the warm body
behind her tense up. She released Mireille's encircling arm, which
she found she'd been clutching to the bandages over her stomach
wound. Sweeping the wool blankets off them both, she got to her feet
quickly, even as her head turned, seeking the direction from which
the {shots : sound} had come.
Inside the wood, each took turns covering the other's advance as they
crept from tree to rock to bush in near-total silence, both alert
for hand-signals from the other. Reaching the edge of another
clearing, Kirika dropped to the ground and peered through a shrub
while Mireille watched her carefully from behind a nearby tree, where
Mireille's lighter hair would not be visible {from whatever : to
whoever} lay beyond.
Mireille's first shot dropped that {same watchman : man} just as
Kirika reached him. Diving, Kirika caught the dropped gun and
somersaulted twice, twisting to the side as she did so. Two shots
spurted into the dirt bare inches to her right.
Kirika shook her head sadly. "There's nothing we can do. Their
bodies have been swept down the river. I'm sorry."
I like the revised order with 'sorry' last. Kirika's people skills are
still a bit weak.
Both girls looked bleak and somber at that, but neither started to
cry, which Mireille thought strange. They stood up, holding hands,
both {eyeing : eying} their rescuers uncertainly.
Mireille just rolled her eyes. "Yes, we make six impossible rescues
every day before breakfast, dressed in our underwear. {{: You're
numbers 3 and 4. We'll have to hurry to make our quota today.}} Now,
you can call me Mary, and her Carrie; what shall we call the two of
you?"
"Mother and Father worked most of the time. They traveled a lot,
too. I think they only adopted us because Grandpa liked us, and they
thought we'd be cheap company for him," the Javanese girl, Tati,
remarked quietly.
One of the girls called them Mom and Dad earlier.
After crashing through brush deliberately for twenty meters, Kirika
stopped. This tree looked good; it would appear unclimbable to those
men. She would have to get very close; she dare not trust the
second gun at long range. Her briefs would serve as a good decoy;
they were shiny enough.
That does appear to be a favored tactic for her. I guess she doesn't
have any shiny coins on her this time though, no pockets.
From above, unmoving, she watched the two thugs approach, one limping
and cursing, both wary, eyes sweeping the terrain. She saw the one
spot her briefs and point, then both carefully {advance : advanced}.
They fired in unison into the pile of leaves, then advanced more
confidently. Kirika judged that the man she hadn't hit had the more
accurate gun, and it was a Beretta M1934 like her own.
"Are you guys detectives?" Aditi asked eagerly. "Or secret agents?
Or superheros?"
Or magical girls?
"You don't want to be like us at all!" Kirika insisted. "We've had
very unhappy lives. Don't you want to be normal? To be happy?"
"We're only as proficient as we are because many bad things have
happened to us," Mireille added. "And we're not champions of justice
or anything like that. We're not the good guys. We've done many
bad things. You really, really don't want to be like us, or even to
know us."
A good summary of their lives.
"You seek solace and comfort only in each other, lesbian lovers who
can never trust a man lest he betray you to a sudden and violent
death!" Tati rejoined as she judo-threw Aditi over her shoulder into
the grass, then leapt on top of her.
Kirika pursed her lips. A bit florid, but that seemed fair, if
redundant. A lesbian was a woman who lived with and loved another
woman, right? Surely that described her and Mireille, and she'd
overheard some of their neighbors use the word a time or two.
"You've got to be kidding," Mireille said loudly and peremptorily.
"Do we look like lesbians?" Mireille rolled her eyes, her voice
dripping with scorn. Mireille pointed to herself while glaring at
the girls.
Kirika's self-identity is still rather weak, so I'd expect her to
believe this even if it isn't correct. She might also not really grasp
what it means. I'd also expect Mireille to have more understanding and
more doubts.
The part about a man betraying one of them to a violent death is a bit
ironic considering what happened to Mireille's friend and the artist
that Kirika was starting to make a connection with.
Kirika stared at Mireille, eyes wide. What was Mireille saying? Was
Mireille denying that the two of them lived together?
A good example of Kirika misunderstanding the situation.
Mireille glanced at Kirika and suddenly stopped cold{, eyes wide :}.
Why was Kirika looking at her with such a devastated expression? She
put one hand on Kirika's shoulder. "What's wrong?" she murmured,
switching back to French.
"Actually, I know a little Euskara," Kirika remarked absently,
turning on the car's radio and putting the earphones on.
"You would," Mireille muttered.
It actually makes a lot of sense if the Manor is relatively close.
"You guys killed all four of them just like that!" Tati added from
beside her, eyes shining in adoration. "I wish we could do that!"
"No, you DON'T!" Mireille and Kirika yelled in desperation. "Just get
down here!"
Altena must be laughing her ass off, wherever she is. Grandchildren are
a parent's revenge.
The three of them crept around the periphery of the main hall. Kirika
led, checking out each room as they came to it. The first {such :}
side room had no exit and no surprises. She was carefully looking
around inside a second room, gun poised, when a party of five men
entered the main hall through another door.
In the time it took Kirika to return to the door of {: the} room, the
girls had actually managed to wound one assailant, but the other
four had closed the distance substantially. None were firing back at
the girls, Kirika noted, but as soon as their attackers caught {site
: sight} of her, all four fired. Kirika dodged, falling, but took
one bullet in her left leg and a second grazed her left upper arm.
Her own return fire dropped two more attackers before the last two
reached them. Kirika somersaulted backwards, and was just about to
shoot the last two attackers when Aditi suddenly jumped up, right
between Kirika and her target, arms spread. Kirika barely managed
not to pull the trigger.
Upstairs, Mireille heard the gunfire{, :} from below, oddly faint,
but was only halfway through sweeping this wing of the house. She'd
eliminated two sleeping men so far. She considered investigating
the gunfire, but decided she'd better stick with the plan.
Mireille found three bodies in the main hall, {: but} no Kirika{, :}
and no girls. She searched carefully, but found only one man on the
first floor, the cook, apparently. Instead of killing him
immediately, she had to show herself and make threats, in Spanish, to
find out where Kirika and the girls had been taken. He was a small
man, not a combatant, apparently, so after he'd shown her the hidden
door down to the dungeons, Mireille advised him to flee immediately,
to get as far away as he could. Laxalt would be dead soon, she told
him, so there wouldn't be any comeback. The cook backed away,
nodding and bowing, then ran.
Mireille found no-one else {on :} in the dungeons. By the time she
returned, Kirika was up. All three were kneeling by the side of the
girls' grandfather.
Boris Sarkhovsky's eyes turned to Mireille and Kirika. "Girls
have... no living relative," he struggled to get out. "My friend...
Catholic priest... will take them. Address... in pocket." His eyes
returned to Aditi and Tati, and he smiled in love. "Have to... go
now. Beloved granddaughters, try... be like... these angels. We'll
be..." A sudden spasm took him, "...together... heaven."
It seems odd to me that his captors would have left anything in his
pockets. Maybe they left the paper on the table after searching his
pockets.
Kirika smiled shyly as she settled herself into Mireille's embrace.
"That sounds like fun."
That's a good place to end this sequence. Mireille's not ready to go
further and Kirika probably wouldn't understand the implications.