Arrr. Here's the stream-of-consciousness version, with occasional 
longer comments inserted after the fact. I find that getting someone 
to tell me what they think of a piece as they go, before having the 
whole picture to draw on, helps in knowing if I got the feeling I 
wanted to show throguh, and given the events of the last chapter I 
expect there will be a lot of feeling to transmit here.

Also, this is going to the list because the last private mail I sent 
you got bounced by your provider, who've taken to using the Blacklist 
'service' - and Blacklist apparently doesn't understand the concept 
of spoofed From: addresses, as according to reports about half the 
RPGer's in Spain (Like the one who owns the worldconquer.org domain 
and gave me this account) have had their domains added to Blacklist's 
abuse file after someone who runs a RPG/fantasy list or board of some 
kind (I'm sketchy on the details) had his always-up, ADSL connected 
server get infected with a mail virus and triggered Blacklist's 
mass-mailing filters... with spoofed addresses. That apparently got 
resolved, but I've been getting spnish-language bounces with my email 
spoofed on them for the past few days with the virus that sends an 
archive with a 5 digit number in the body claiming to be the password 
to it, so there's probably something similar still happening.


Anyway, on to the fic.


At 11:40 AM -0800 3/1/04, Daniel Jess Gibson wrote:

Chapter 29 - Restitution
Return
June 16, 1947
     Rei knew what she was planning violated the law, but after the
Commander's explanation, she was beginning to understand that sometimes,
differing calls on morality and necessity made different requirements and
standards of conduct.  Was Law above Justice, was Law above Survival?  The
concept of lesser and greater goods and evils was a new and difficult one.

Already this worries me. Then again, anything that Gendo tries to use 
as justification tends to worry me, because he really is just as big 
of an asshole as he appears.

     She walked across the open field around the apartment building.  In
the early morning light, she saw the figures, moving and not.  Only a few

...

knew she was _capable_ of doing the same, identifying the fallen, but she
could never be that detached.  She could never separate who they were, from
who they were to her.  Instead, she walked on, into the building and her

Thank you, Rei, you just showed me there's less to fear on your part 
than I might otherwise beleive.

destination.  No one looked at her, she guessed than none of them wanted to
see anything anymore.
     The door in the empty hall cracked easily, a very different, equally
unpleasant smell assaulted her as she opened the door.  The beginnings of
the

...

     She opened the closet where they would put away the rolled up futons.
She began methodically pressing the wall, until she found the loose boards.
She removed them.  In the small hollow were two books and a few other
mementos of Hiroko's life.  The only thing that really felt like stealing
was the saving passbook and the small collection of American Treasury
bills.  She considered replacing those, but decided it was better to let
others settle that question.  She slipped them into the small bag she had
brought with her.  She scanned the room carefully for anything else that
might be important, admitting silently she had little idea what she was
looking for.

Still not quite up on the way 'normal' people operate, is she?


...

     She closed and relocked the door behind her as she left.  The place,
the entire building, already felt like a tomb, she wondered if that would
ever change.

I reccomend seperating the last clause off into its own sentence here.

----------------------------------------
     Ramsey walked leadenly along the blacktop, barely listening to the
reports from the cult leaders and the Marine commander who walked with him.

...

smoking truck frames, surrounded by a burnt area, some nearly 30 feet
across.  "With their flamethrowers, had gotten in here . . . "  He glanced
at the others, they knew that, he was just rambling.  He needed to talk

split off into a new para at 'He' and try reprhaising that sentence - 
'He glanced at the others, but could tell they knew he was just 
rambling,' perhaps.

about it.  Talk to someone who had seen it themselves.  He doubted anyone
else could understand what he felt, pride, anger, sadness, guilt, all
rolled into a package he couldn't untangle himself.

...

     "Vehicle-mounted flamethrowers, considering who they were and what
they were after.  We shouldn't have been surprised."

after, we

     "Don't beat yourself up for not being able to think like them,
Captain."  Simson glanced at the trio standing together, "How is the black
suit taking it?"
     "Considering he's the High Priest now, and his predecessor died in a
sorcerous duel.  He's taking it as well as can be expected," Ramsey

duel, he's

answered.  No one wanted to speculate where the enemy had gotten a mage of
that power level to help them, or where the other one had gone.
     "You know," Simson began, "I always thought Katsuragi was just a
drunk, now I may start drinking whatever she does.  Gutsy move, splitting
the EVAs that way.  Brilliant, considering who went with whom."
     "I was kinda busy here, Admiral.  What are you talking about?" Ramsey
asked.
     "This was Leyte Gulf stood on its head, Captain.  Saotome and Langley
took on the big guy, which was actually a diversion.  Ikari and Ayanami
took on the small fry, all of them.  Which left the cultists to us.  That
made it a stand up fight, and that was the real purpose.  Not to mention
she filled the air with misleading messages.  I can't wait to read the
transcripts of what went out over the tether comm lines.  The attackers had
a command radio, they were listening in on everything we did and said.
Their `god` was only here to keep the EVAs occupied and to receive the
entire city of Tokyo as a burnt offering.  Nice people."

... So he's guessed the official story, then?

     Ramsey shivered at that.  There were facts about those things he
didn't want to know.  He was learning there were things about his fellow
humans he didn't want to know even more.  "Have the pilots been informed?"

...

     "Misato already gave us a hard time about showboating," Ranma
complained, "You sound just like her.  You'd think she'd be happier we won,
and how fast.  No, not her.  You should know, I figured out how to throw
those exploders, just like the first time.  Thanks to you.  Then Asuka had
to butt in."  Ranma had to admit, that rankled, so did the complete lack of
reaction from Raccoon and Nab-chan.  "What's the matter with you two?  You
act like - "
     "Enough!" Raccoon cut him off.
     "Jeff . . . no," Nab-chan said softly.

Nerima Standing Long Jump to a Conclusion, here we come!

     Ranma was beginning to suspect he caught them doing a lot more than
just arguing.  He knew the obvious conclusion to jump to was the least
likely.  They wouldn't have wanted me to stay here, he thought, If _that's_
what they were doing.

...

     "I can hear more right now!  From _YOU_!_" Ranma replied angrily, "I'm
sick of you two thinking you know what's best for me.  There's nothing you
can say that I can't handle.  I don't need you two protecting me from
everything.  And I'm sick of you clamming up and telling me only what _you_
think I need to know.  I want to know it all, let's start with what you two
were doing."

(wince) You're going to regret that.

     "Very well, after you."  Raccoon gestured for him to head outside.

...

in the hospital: carrying stretchers, supplies, anything that needed doing.
The burn victims are the worst, the smell permeates everything, your
clothes your hair, L.C.L. would be preferable.  Standing by while the
doctors peel off their burnt clothes, piece by piece, is very bad.  Should
I go on?"

See?

     Ranma felt numb, he couldn't answer.  Raccoon scrubbed his face with
his hands, as if still trying to get rid of the smell, "Then I relieved
Nabiki, who was helping with the dying.  After they quit bringing in new

...

     "How many dead and wounded."  He rested his head in his hand, bracing
his arm on the kitchen counter, he didn't know why he was asking her, why
he needed to know.
     "Nonmilitary casualties: 813 confirmed dead, 4083 wounded requiring
medical attention, 1623 missing, all presumed lost.  There is not yet a
firm count of military casualties."

Gwah...

     He felt his guts bunch up and turn to ice as he slid to the kitchen
floor.  Possibly twenty-four hundred people dead, because of him and Asuka.
     "What rescue agencies were involved?" he asked in a monotone.
     Rei replied immediately as if she'd been eager to give the answer,
"NERV SAR, the U.S. Military, the American and Japanese Red Cross, Japanese
Disaster Recovery.  Tokyo Police and Fire Departments - "
     "Thank you.  Nabiki and Raccoon deployed with NERV SAR that day,
didn't they?"

I notice he cut her off before she got to the cults in their honor. 
Then again, were they really on cleanup, or only in the battle as 
such?

     "There are reports and recommendations for decorations on file at
headquarters.  You can ask Dr. Akagi to read them."  The girl's mild tone
was almost accusatory.

...

     "Oh, I guess I need to - "  He wasn't sure what he needed.  "I said
something stupid and he. . . ."
     "I research other locations."  Rei's voice was more neutral than

I think you meant "I can" or "I could" here, yes?

usual, she had no opinion whether he should or should not accept her offer.

...

     She dialed the phone number from memory.  "Hokari Hikari," she said in

Horaki, I think.

reply to the 'Moshi moshi' at the other end, "This is pilot Ayanami."
     "Ayanami-san?" the class president's voice came over the line.
     "You will assemble the class, all you can, at Sakura and Silver River
streets, at 13:00 hours.  It is important."
     "I don't know . . . " the other girl said, "There may be a way.  It's
awfully short notice."
     Rei considered what the Commander would say, then a faint smile
crossed her face, a direct quote would serve, " 'You will follow my orders,
or face trial, and I will find someone who will.'  Do not involve Tendo
Nabiki."

Jeez, nice one Rei. Someone get this girl a better role model, please!

     She heard the girl gulp.  "I'll do my best.  Sakura and Silver River
Street, 13:00."
     "Yes."  Rei hung up the phone.  She considered what else she would
have to do.  She did not understand how people interacted.  She took things
apart, fascinated by how the parts and pieces fit together, worked
together.  She was far less skilled at reassembling things.  The Second had
joked that 'a jigsaw puzzle is the ultimate Wondergirl torture implement,'
the Second had been more right than she knew.  Even knowing exactly how

could substitue 'and' for the repeat of 'the Second' or else turn the 
comma into a semicolon.

something went together, was not always helpful.

...

     "Have you ever considered sitting down and talking to him about this?"
Dr. Akagi asked, as she considered the absurdity that about the only thing
Jeff was afraid of was Ranma, and that Ranma was equally afraid of Jeff.
Though they both would deny it with their dying breath.

Sounds about accurate.

...

     "That isn't what I meant," Dr. Akagi pulled the preliminary
after-action reports from SAR and some of the other rescue groups.  It had
taken some doing to get those, she wanted the information before it was
sanitized for posterity.  What the pair had gone through made her shudder,

I thoguht she pulled it out of the trash herself last ep? Or was that 
only the immediate after-action report, not the full details?

it was almost more than anything she'd ever had to deal with.  She also had
copies of the papers recommending commendations for all involved, from the
military, Red Cross and the Japanese Interior Ministry.  But she hadn't
shown them to the two alternates, on Misato's advice.  'The failure of
Ranma and Asuka to control the Angel after they'd wounded it,' Misato had
said.  Killed it actually, Ritsuko thought.  'It wouldn't do anyone any
good to harp on it,' Misato had concluded.  Except the two who went above
and beyond to help clean up the mess, _our_ mess, and serve the cause in
ways the others didn't even consider, Ritsuko thought.
     She considered the treatment her mother had given her, and decided she
was not going to ignore the needs of her charges.  Even though they weren't
as 'sensitive' as the others, they were all kids, and they needed adults to
stand up for them.  Or they're going to _keep_ getting the short end of the
stick, she thought.  She also resolved to call Sammi to warn her about
Ranma and Jeff.  There was going to be an explosion on that front, and
soon.
     And no one can stop it, she sighed.

YAY RIT-CHAN! WOOO! Just with those lines, without any other changes, 
one could practically guarantee a better ending than canon. No matter 
WHO said them, as long as they were sincere and followed through in 
giving the pilots an effective support structure instead of letting 
them continue in their own little dysfunctional flat-spins.

----------------------------------------
     "Kamis, Rei!" Ranma stormed out of the building, garnering many
shocked and outraged looks, and not a few of sympathy as well.
     That's a morgue! Ranma thought, as he gasped for breath, You could
have just _told_ me they died.  Hiroko!  Kamis, no wonder Nab-chan is
acting that way.  He shivered, despite the heat of the day.
     He looked over at Sammi.  "You - you knew . . . about this?"  The
shock of discovery still disordered his breathing and heart beat.
     "Some, but not all the details," the woman admitted.
     "Do the others know?  Besides Nab-chan and Raccoon," Ranma demanded,
"They lived through it.  Did you keep this from the others?"
     "I don't know."
     Ranma couldn't believe it.  He squared himself, he had to go back in.
To finish what he had started.

Because Ranma Saotome don't lose! Not to anyone, and espescially not 
to himself!

----------------------------------------
Requital
     Rei watched her classmates assemble.  She had called Shinji herself,
so he had arrived first.  Rei also realized that no one had told him what
had happened.  The others had not a clue either.  She did not understand
the reasons for that.
     The others collected in their usual groupings.  The Second arrived
with Hikari, Rei considered that no coincidence.
     "Trial, Wondergirl?" the Second told her, "She isn't an officer, you
can't put her on trial, or court martial her."
     "An incompetent president can be tried, an impeachment," Rei replied.

D'oh... Anyone but Rei, and any other circumstances, and that would be a joke.

     The Second returned to her friend, frowning and grumbling about
'Robots gone amok!'
     Less than a third of the class had assembled by 13:10, Rei decided
that was all they were going to get, and was tired of trying to deflect the
'Why are we here?' questions.  Roku-kun might have intentionally
misinterpreted the questions, the Second might have yelled at them to be
patient.  Rei had simply stared at them, until they fell silent.
     "This way."  She started towards 158, down Sakura Street, a tall
office building, eight floors.  She wondered if the original builders had
ever considered such a use for it.
     The rest of the class picked up that this building, on an otherwise
ordinary street, was different.  Something odd was happening inside.  Since
Rei knew what to expect, she could watch the changes in her fellow
students' faces, their demeanor and speech.

Aw, not that...

     I am pleased Shinji-kun detected it first, Rei thought when Shinji-kun
had started staring with greater intensity, then his face went blank as the
people, mostly adults, left the building, they were either openly weeping
or stoic, men and women.

... no Rei, bad idea ...

     Shinji-kun took her arm in alarm.  She faced him, "We must go in."
     He swallowed, nodded, continued to accompany her, his face a stoic
mask.
     Just short of the entrance, where Kraznyzamok-san waited for the
Fourth, Rei halted the group.  "Yes.  They are dead.  Ayami Hiroko, the . .
. Saotome's friends: Hijo Seisuke and Adachi Kenta, and many others."  I
want to blame the Fourth and the Second for failing to follow orders, Rei
thought, But that is not correct, orders would not have prevented disaster.
"The Angel's death did this."

... sigh.

     Which is the truth, Rei admitted to herself.  She felt Shinji-kun take
her hand, she shook her head and removed her hand.  It is not the time, she
thought.
     "Asuka?" Hikari asked in a small voice, seeing the terrified look on
the Second's face and her trembling.
     Rei ignored both of them.  "Noncombatants, there were 813 confirmed
dead, another 1623 missing, presumed lost, and 4083 wounded requiring
medical attention.  Combatants, military and rescue workers, another 647
dead, 235 missing and 2658 wounded requiring medical attention."  Rei
glanced at the building.  "Many of our classmates and their families are
within."
     Some shook their heads, trying to deny reality.  I have no time for
deceit or softheartedness, Rei thought.

... so she does understand the concept? Eeg.

...

or not at all, would foster a dangerous overconfidence.  Captain Katsuragi
has punished and threatened the pilots severely over trivial matters in
past, yet does nothing over an occurrence of this magnitude.  I do not
understand her reasoning in these matters.  It would be more reasonable to
'Let the punishment fit the crime.'

But as we all know, for all Misato may be likeable (and in this story 
she's rather less inspiring than many I've seen) she's seldom 
reasonable, moderate, or even particulary mature.

...

     "I didn't know," Shinji-kun said, his voice and expression betrayed
none of his feelings.  The others were silent, thinking their own thoughts.
     Rei could sympathize, it was just too big to comprehend.  No thoughts
or emotions could encompass it.  She herself felt odd, Hiroko's loss to
_her_ had spurred her to take these actions, actions that should have
terrified her.
     Instead, Rei thought, They seem wholly inadequate.

I suspect 'adequate' would require mass ressurection, not possible 
under a Mythos paradigm when the bodies are significantly damaged, 
nor feasible in such numbers without great expense... and in any 
case, not when those in charge are trying to keep everything as 
secret as they can.


...

of it, as if events ended all the other Reis, there would be no more, no
one to continue the goals, to carry on the objectives.  That disturbed Rei,
she suspected from her reaction, and the others, this information would

'and she suspected' 'and that of the others'


...

when Nabiki-kun arrived and made the girl her assistant.  Rei had seen the
jealousy that caused later, but Hiroko had reached out to Nabiki-kun first.
There is an answer there, Rei considered her next problem.

I have no idea what she means by that, unless that's two seperate 
thoughts. If so, seperate into two sentences.

     Less than a dozen students were there with them now.  Some had quietly
slipped away, of those remaining, some offered prayers, some stood mutely,
stunned by this almost sterile marker to the carnage and the end of life.
Rei did not need to pray, or waste time with words to the dead.  I will
save my words for the living, she silently vowed, They will need what
comfort and explanation I can offer.

Rei ofering comfort is somehow scary in its own right, actually. 
Espescially when she herself admits she has little idea how human 
interactions work...

...

     "Very well," Asuka said, "I'm going to get some answers!" she said as
she headed off to the Naval Base.  Everything about her broadcast the dire
fate of anyone or anything that tried to stop her.
     Erin gave Sammi a shrug and headed after her charge.

Oh dear, Hurricane Asuka is on the move.


...

had.  To continue them.  Her anger found its focus in an odd place, the
people who had decided to enhance the Fourth's considerable and irritating
ignorance.  As if they intended to use him to hurt Nabiki-kun and Roku-kun.

Hmm. My story sense is tingling, telling me to start getting the "GO 
REI GO" and "YOU TELL 'EM!" signs laid out for use.

----------------------------------------
     Rei took Kensuke aside as the others prepared to leave because he . .

Wait, do you mean K, or Shinji? Later in the paragraph, it's Shinji.

...

     "Rei-chan, how do you know these things?" Shinji-kun asked.
     Rei could not lie to him, she also knew she could not tell him the
truth.  "I would protect you," Rei told him, "Your family."
     "I think I understand," Shinji-kun said, took her hand and led her up
the stairs to Dr. Akagi's apartment.

... that's good, because I don't get what she meant, as applied to 
what she just did. Seperately, yes, but not the connection.

...

     "Nicht sprechenz Deutsch," Ramsey mangled the German.  [I don't speak
German.]
     Asuka squeezed her eyes shut, covered her face with both hands.  I was
screaming at them in German, she thought.

Count to ten, Red Devil. Imagine them jumping back and forth over a 
fence as you poke thier butts with a pitchfork.

...

     "We aren't completely heartless," Ramsey replied.
     Then what are you doing working for NERV? she didn't ask aloud.  "So,

Go ahead, ask that aloud.

...

     "What?!  This debacle was typical?!"  Asuka shook her head to deny it.
     "Do you _really_ want to see the casualty reports?" Ramsey asked
quietly.
     Now Asuka felt cold all over.  "I think I've been coddled quite
enough."

That would be a yes, then. And she's past the blustering stage, which 
means it's time to not merely keep your head down, but head for the 
far side of the nearest mountain, or preferably several of them.

----------------------------------------
     Rei and Shinji-kun had entered the silent apartment, walking

'apartment. Walking'

noiselessly through, they found Roku-kun and Nabiki-kun sitting in
Nabiki-kun's room, facing each other, saying nothing, unmoving.  The seated
pair turned to face them as Shinji-kun and Rei entered.  Rei saw the red
eyes and tear tracks on Nabiki-kun's face.  Roku-kun was less affected,
clearly more concerned for Nabiki-kun than for Hiroko or the others.  Rei
was gravelly disturbed by the lack of talk between the pair, normally they

'gravely' unless she was disturbed like small chunks of crushed stone.

'pair, as' or 'pair, because' or 'pair. Normally'

talked constantly.  Not now.
     For a moment, Rei despaired of accomplishing anything with either of
them, Why do I believe I can accomplish -

maybe drop the second 'accomplish'

     "Nabiki-chan," Shinji-kun knelt near Nabiki-kun, facing her, he bowed
slightly, "I don't want to add to your troubles, but . . . the Ayami family
has no one to make the final arrangements.  I believe we can help."
     Nabiki-kun looked at him with shock and horror.  She let out a
stuttering breath, but could say nothing.  She nodded with a look of
determination, she glanced at Roku-kun, he nodded as well.
     Rei knelt next to her and reached over, taking Nabiki-kun's shoulder.
I am not comfortable doing this, with touching or being touched, but I can
comprehend the need.  The few times I needed the contact with another
person to steady my thoughts or emotions . . . and touch is the easiest, I
have no words, Rei thought.

Words wouldn't work as well, actually. Sometimes people just need contact.

...

     "I'll survive."  Raccoon paused looked around.  "What became of
Saotome-san?"
     "He did not like my sending him to the morgue," Rei said.

"He fought back very energetically, so I ended up having to send him 
in peices." Okay, that was supposed to be a tastelss joke, but if you 
consider their verbal exchange and Ranma's emotional state, it 
actually fits, I suppose.

     "This isn't his fault," Roku-kun said tiredly, "It's nobody's _fault_,
except the ones who sustain this war."  He rubbed his face, "The last one
we faced was Nyarlathotep, then Cthugha.  I thought those two _hated_ each
other."
     "They do," Shinji-kun said, then glanced at Rei and Roku-kun in alarm,
"How did I know that?"
     "Memories," Rei explained, "Of what we've fought.  I too have them."
     "Me too," Roku-kun told him, scrubbing his face with his hands again,
as if trying to efface the memories or his fatigue.
     Shinji-kun covered his face, shook his head.  "I have enough trouble
with just my life.  I don't need any others."
     "It'll get worse, before it gets better," Roku-kun explained.
     "Assassination," Rei told them.  Got stares for a moment, then
realization dawned on the boys.
     "You think . . . Nyar - the inspector - sent his rival in, so we could
kill him?" Shinji-kun asked, in confusion and disbelief.
     "Let us clear the field of the small fry," Roku-kun agreed, "Build us
up, bit-by-bit, until - what, he kills us, sacrifice for some purpose?"
     "Fuel, food, or offering?" Rei wondered aloud.  I must tell the
Commander.  If we are serving Nyarlathotep, however obliquely, he must be
told! Rei told herself, felt herself descending, drowning in anxiety.

And if he already knows? He always seems to be playing a far more 
dangerous game than anyone credits him with, right up to the end.


...

     Rei climbed the fire escape, she hadn't the catlike grace and silence
of the others, so her stealth left much to be desired.  She remembered
climbing another fire escape a long time ago.  She had handled that
approach badly, and wound up impaled on a wrought iron fence six stories
below.  She had died that day, not the first time, nor the last.  She would
approach more carefully this time, she could not afford the overconfidence
that had doomed her the last time.

You know, the Evangelion setting would make for a good varient game 
of Paranoia, now that I think about it. The new superweapon from 
Reaserch Division went berserk and mooshed the test staff? Send in 
the clones!

...

     "You wouldn't dare," Roku-kun confidently told her.  Proving the
Second's point.

Yes she would.

...

concerned.  The Second's silent acknowledgment was another ambiguous
element in a day overflowing with them, the Second's expression was a

suggest switching out this repetision for some other identifier

...

     "No reason to get sarcastic," the Second told her as she headed
towards Roku-kun.  "You want to help me wash him off?  He stinks."
     Rei noticed the faint odor, but her experiences of the day had
temporarily killed her sense of smell.

How did she notice the odor, then? Or was it that she thoguht it was 
faint because of the stenches of the day?


...

     "I was concerned that Tendo and Davis seemed to be falling behind the
others," Gendo began, "Now it seems they've made up lost ground and even
pulled ahead of the others."

suggest 'ahead of them.' And only Gendo would be worried that some of 
his amployees were falling behind in stacking up emoptional turmoil.

...

     "That will be your responsibility, Doctor," Gendo told her, "I hope
you understand the necessity of the imposition and the possible achievement
placed in your hands."
     "I do, Commander," Ritsuko agreed, keeping her expression neutral.
She knew the rest of the meeting would be details, couched in equally banal
terms.  Plans to protect and change the world, in terms of assembling the
weekly grocery list.

Some pickled daikon, a bag of moonwort, and a dozen cultists - make 
sure you get the free-range kind, not the ones from little boxes in a 
factory - a package of Tindalos Dogs and a gallon of virgin's blood. 
There was something else... oh yes, we've got a coupon for half off 
Shubby-Chan brand frozen dark young, so pick up a carton while you're 
out. I hope you understand the responsability we're placing in your 
hands, young lady.

...

     Asuka lowered her binoculars as she held the umbrella in her other
hand.  "Of all the stupid promises I could have made to Wondergirl . . . If
she thinks a little rain will make _me_ break my word, she's got another
think coming.  I'm not sweet and delicate like Spineless, I won't melt in

Thank you, thank you, thank you! "another THINK," not "THING." That's 
one of my pet peeves, along with reversing "eat your cake and have it 
too."


...

     Ritsuko wasn't sure where she was.  The park she'd found herself in
was like any of a dozen parks in Tokyo, although only the plethora of
Japanese families suggested it was anywhere in Japan.  It could have just

"WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOW!?"



...

     Except Nabiki is the finest martial artist I've ever seen, except for
Ranma, Ritsuko analyzed, Did she take up martial arts _because_ her mother
died?  Ritsuko had no answers.

Mmm. By comparison to the NWC, Nabiki could be third or foutrh dan 
black belt and still seem - to herself and others - like nothing much.



...

June 18, 1947
     Shinji was washing the breakfast dishes, he knew Rei-chan would be
here soon, he idly wished she'd come to Misato's for breakfast.  He was

That's three sentences. You could probably rephrase it as, "As Shinji 
washed the breakfast dishes, he mused that Rei would be arriving 
soon. He idly wished that she would early enoguh to eat, herself. He 
was..."


...

     You don't sound fine.  If you were `fine`, I wouldn't be here, Shinji
thought about revealing the content of Misato's own dreams to her, then
hastily decided against it, In fact you sound exactly like Nabiki, and both

'it. In'

of you are lying.  Maybe if you admitted you were a person like the rest of
us, we could accept that and go on.  "I won't argue," he said, waiting for
Misato to say more, or Rei-chan to arrive.
----------------------------------------
     Shinji glanced over at Rei-chan as the two of them walked closely
under one umbrella.  The guard trailed a short distance behind them.  The
presence of an adult embarrassed Shinji he could almost ignore, while he

huh?

...
disguise it, he too is wounded.  Even the Second and the Fourth were
damaged."
     Shinji looked at her expression, others thought she was emotionless,

'expression. While others'

...
anything he did with anything except some kind of retreat.  He actually
wished one or all of them would try to beat him up.  It would make him feel
better.  He might just let them hit him.
     However, that seemed about as likely as one of the EVAs flying.  He

So, by the end of the series, then. Sooner depending on how well they 
do messing about with AT fields.

...
walking to where she had marked the bunker fuel storage berms.  "Set this
on fire, the only real way to put it out is cooling with water while you
pump out the non-burning part.  I don't even know if that's possible.  The
big problem is the water goes to the bottom, the weight of the oil on top
keeps it from flashing, that is explosively changing to steam."  She turned

'flashing, that is, explosively'

...
     She considered telling him about the other casualty counts Captain
Ramsey and Admiral Simson had provided to her.  She wasn't sure if the
deaths horrified her more, or that the `adults` had kept it from the
pilots.

Wait a little, Asuka. When he starts to assimilate this, then give 
him the rest, so he can get through all of it.

----------------------------------------
Retaliation
     Ramsey watched Davis walk into the cavern, not surprising, considering
it was his information that led them here.  The rest of the investigation
team was going over the place painstakingly.  Ramsey considered telling
Davis to go home and get some sleep, then something in Davis's expression
caught Ramsey's attention.  That, and the bucket and toolbox he was
carrying.
     "How'd you get past security?" Ramsey asked the young man.
     "I didn't kill anyone one."  Davis raised his arm to display the NERV

duplicate 'one'

SAR armband, "You'd be amazed at the difference in treatment you get.
While NERV Security may be FUBENS, NERV SAR is more esteemed."
     Ramsey didn't like the flat tone of Davis's voice or his expression.
He didn't understand how anyone could be so calm after those events.  He
had been working himself and his staff like mad.  Just to do something, to
blot the memories out.
     That's probably it, Ramsey thought.  He realized he _had_ seen people
look and sound that serene and focused before, usually before they did
something that won them the Navy Cross or Medal of Honor, posthumously.

Eep...

"What's in the bucket?" Ramsey asked, the bucket was full of sawdust, and
two bottles, one brown glass, the other white wax.

...

     "Aqua Regia and Hydrofluoric acid," Davis pulled on a pair of heavy
gloves.  "Only platinum would stand up to the combination."  Then he

Aieee.

...
     When Davis glanced over at him and simply nodded, Ramsey considered
that even a sacrificial attack had succeeded, if the enemy could follow up
fast enough.  I just hope they don't, he thought.  He signaled one of the
Marines to keep an eye on the boy.

Why not mention that, though? It night or might not help to have an 
understandable motive for the enemy, but it couldn't really hurt - 
it's not like it's going to make them lose any MORE sleep.

...
     Shinji sat in the darkness, one point of a tetrahedron centered on a
luminous pearl.  Rei-chan, Raccoon, and Asuka made up the other points.  He
knew enough to know what they guarded was a dreamscape.  He could easily
guess who's.

'whose'

...
villages or the mountains and forests of his imaginings.  He remembered the
invasion of his dream space, by his own fears, the assault to rescue Hiroko

>from hers.  This felt more like the latter than the former.

     He glanced over his shoulders at the others, each sat as he did, but

'others. Each'

...
was seeing how little that meant in the face of Nabiki's real pain.  If it
wasn't for `Robot` Rei-chan's steadiness, I'd have run away, he considered

'away. He'

...
     "I am not sure if Hiroko-san and I were friends," Rei said to those
around her, "I am pleased we both could act as if we were, and the time we
had together."  Rei found she had nothing else to say to the crowd, she
stepped down.  But this allowed others to speak, some went for much longer

suggest 'speake, and while some'

...
     Rei wondered if anyone else realized at this point, that the ceremony
was in an odd way, a call to action to complete part of the lost dream and
a chance to release some of the emotional burden.
----------------------------------------
     A strange juxtaposition of solemnity, to a party afterwards, Rei
thought.  Even more unusual, it was held at the school grounds.  Now that

'grounds, now'

...
     Ironically, he finally understood why Nab-chan had lied to him about
knowing his past.  The pain he was feeling about being . . . Heck, I might
as well say it, unloved, he thought, They just don't care.  About me, about
themselves, or doing anything that matters.  The descriptions from Raccoon
and Asuka, partially confirmed by Nab-chan and his own expectations, told
him the same, the battles `back home` never solved anything, and they
dominated everything.  They fought to win, because they wanted the bragging
rights, he thought sadly, Not to capitalize on the victory or bring peace,
he actually felt sorry for those others.

Whaddaya know. Aparently, he *can* be trained.

...
     Nabiki had made her decision.  It was far easier than she'd thought it
would be.  She guiltily added that lying to Ritsuko about what she was
going to do was also very easy.  A long soak in the furo after a long day,
that's what she'd told Ritsuko.  Technically, she prevaricated, It is the
truth, it's just not the whole truth.

Eh?

     All week she'd been having these feelings, not just anger, but rage,
at Hiroko . . . and at Ranma . . . and at her mother, for renouncing life
and forsaking her.  As if they had _any_ choice in the matter.  She hadn't
been able to get them out of her head, and she could not talk to Rei,
Shinji, or Raccoon about them.  Such thoughts were too shameful, and too
perverse.  She had even raged at the woman who died after thrusting her
child at Nabiki, only to have the child die in her hands.
     Why did she give _ME_ that responsibility?! Nabiki raged as she
stepped into the water, I didn't want it, it wasn't my kid!  It wasn't my
job!  She felt the tears coming again, this time she savagely squelched
them, she needed clear eyes for this.  She'd been crying like a baby for
the past few days, she wanted a little dignity now.  She was blubbering and
carrying on worse than her father and Akane put together.  Further proof,
as if she needed any, that she had made the correct decision.

Fsck.

     She unwrapped the small package of razor blades, "As if this world
needs a Soun or Akane Tendo."

Double-stuff!! Dr. Alcombe, paging Dr. Alcombe...

     She'd been cut before, in various scuffles, getting cut again didn't
worry her.  With the bath filled with hot water, she'd bleed easily, and it
would make cleanup remarkably easy.  Yes, she'd thought about this and
planned it carefully.  She'd even left instructions how her remains were to
be treated.  She'd been so angry with Hiroko, she'd almost let Raccoon do
the stupid things he'd suggested.  But that wouldn't have been right, she
thought as she sat in the hot water, felt the flush as the blood rose to
the surface, As if it knows what it has to do.  Even it wants to leave me,

'surface. As'

she thought that was amusing somehow.
     She thought about Ranma for a moment, and how awful she'd been to him.
The rest of the fiancee brigade would have killed to have Ranma alone and
all to themselves.  But her anger at him killing himself without telling
her, without leaving a note, without explaining himself, nothing, poisoned
everything she tried to do.  As well as her terror that his string of
victories still convinced him he was invulnerable and unconquerable, and
that certainty would kill him.  She could not live through that, not again.
I don't plan to, she thought, I left my apologies where they can be easily
found.  I won't make the same mistake.  He was innocent, he didn't deserve
to die.

How about deserving to have his girlfreind die? Does he deserve that?

     "For how I treated him - " She clamped her mouth shut, she knew she
deserved what she was about to do, she had to make amends for what she had
done, but she must not give them a chance to intervene.  Even the smallest
suspicion they could have done anything to stop her had to be eliminated.
     I wonder if Ranma would think I was regaining my honor, Nabiki
wondered, As if I ever had any to begin with.  None of my family does, nor
does the school.  We're all a sad joke, Kasumi trying to be mommy, except
never disciplining us; Akane with her 'I'm a martial artist too', never
seeing the duties and responsibilities of a martial artist; and me, I must
be mother's worst disappointment, hating her all those years for abandoning
us.  As if she wanted to.  Dishonoring her, dishonoring her memory that
way, an undutiful daughter, who just loves money, and walks around hating
and despising the people around her who are looking at `silly things` like
love and honor.
     Yes, the decision was far easier than she'd thought it would be.

Permanent solutions to temporary problems are not good things. 
Cliffhangers on suicide attempts are still worse. Dammit, I have 
class in the morning, and now I have to do something to chase this 
out of my head... I think I'd reccomend trimming out this scene 
except for the first and last two paragraphs, then putting the rest 
in as a flashback at the beginning of the next chapter. Yes, mit 
reduces the impact, but leaving your readers with such a strong down 
isn't that good in itself - emotional inertia makes them (me) switch 
to thinking about their (my) own reasons to be depressed when the 
story fodes out without resolving it, and a cliffhanger is only good 
if readers are still around to read the next installment, ne?



So, overall. The fit has hit the shan, for sure. Given that Nabiki is 
technically there on a wish to look out for Ranma, I have to wonder 
if she'll even be able to off herself having decided to, but with a 
sorta-punitive pseudo-wish-tricked-into-it like that perhaps the 
Ultimate Force is not engaged.

Gweh, I have no idea what I'm going to do to rebalance my mental 
state after this. Cueing up _More_ by Sisters of Mercy seems like a 
rteasonable starting point, though.


- CD, o/~ And I need all the love I can get / and I need all the love 
that I can't get too... o/~

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