[Ranma][NGE][HPL][AMG][Fusion][Fanfic] Sic Semper Morituri Chapter 29 -
Restitution
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I do not own any of the characters from Ranma 1 / 2, Neon Genesis
Evangelion, Ah My Goddess, or the Lovecraft Cycle involved in these
stories.
C&C , MSTs are welcome
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per-Morituri
(these are the original versions)
What has gone before:
About Book 11, Akane and Soun Tendo throw Ranma out of the house.
Nabiki, in the guise of a wish, follows him. They meet EVA pilots Shinji
Ikari, Rei Ayanami, Asuka Soryu Langley and Jeffrey Davis.
Asuka and Jeff begin continue analyzing the equations to manipulate
the AT field, they discover an important side-effect of AT fields. They
begin teaching the other pilots the math to understand it.
After a session with the Magi computers, which he crashed, Ranma
understands enough to use the AT field the way he had against Nyogtha.
Hiroko accidentally discovered the truth about Ranma/Ranko, and is
ordered to keep silent. She asks to be a pilot, both Rei and Ritsuko try
to convince her not to.
The cult of Cthugha, under direction of SEELE renegades, launch a
massive attack, and are defeated at heavy cost.
The first Sonic Glaives arrive and the pilots train with them, then
use them in combat. Cthugha was destroyed, as well as many fire vampires.
The reaction to the attack by were-tigers causes Ranma to accept that
the Neko-ken is part of him, and is far more animalistic and ruthless than
he is.
Shinji decided he must move back to watch over Misato.
The Russians are low on spare parts as constant combat operations has
worn out their Ogromniy Units.
Kanashikute mo nakenai basho ga aru
hoshi no hikari mo kooritsuku danger zone.
Nagusame sae muimi na toki ga aru
However sad I may be, there is a place where I cannot cry;
the danger zone that freezes even starlight.
There are times meaningless even to consolation;
Thrill no Odoru Angeltachi (Angels Dancing in the Thrill) Lyrics by SHOW
Chapter 29 - Restitution
Return
June 16, 1947
Rei knew what she was planning violated the law, but after the
Commander's explanation, she was beginning to understand that sometimes,
differing calls on morality and necessity made different requirements and
standards of conduct. Was Law above Justice, was Law above Survival? The
concept of lesser and greater goods and evils was a new and difficult one.
She walked across the open field around the apartment building. In
the early morning light, she saw the figures, moving and not. Only a few
walked among the many blanket-wrapped figures who lay around them. The
smell that assaulted her was unbelievable. So strong, it nearly drove all
thought of continuing from her mind. The others wondered why she disdained
meat, the smell almost physically curling around her was a far more
eloquent explanation than anything she had ever managed.
One figure in particular caught her eye. The coat and fedora were
unmistakable, even the handkerchief covering his face could not disguise
him. He would pull a blanket aside, and make some comment to the soldier
in the gas mask following him with a clipboard, then on to the next. She
knew she was _capable_ of doing the same, identifying the fallen, but she
could never be that detached. She could never separate who they were, from
who they were to her. Instead, she walked on, into the building and her
destination. No one looked at her, she guessed than none of them wanted to
see anything anymore.
The door in the empty hall cracked easily, a very different, equally
unpleasant smell assaulted her as she opened the door. The beginnings of
the Ayami family's morning meal and the packaged lunches had been left to
rot where they lay abandoned. As below, the mere presence of a Great Old
One, dead or alive, had accelerated the putrefaction. The blast had
scorched the draperies that had faced the shelter, they added to the acrid
smell in the entryway. She looked at the apartment, so different from her
own. Logical, Rei thought, It houses - housed, a family. She scanned for
clues, a label, a photograph. It would not be in the kitchen, Rei was glad
to leave that smell behind. There were no sounds at all in the apartment,
as there had been total silence in the rest of the building, not even the
mechanical sounds of an inhabited building. The bedrooms were shared, two
and three people in each. The largest pair were clearly for adults, the
mix of male and female odors clearly indicated that, parents and
grandparents, Rei guessed from what Hiroko had said. The other two rooms
were separated by gender. She entered what she guessed, from the scent,
was the girl's room. She made no light and little sound. She doubted
anyone would detect her, so she could search thoroughly.
Three girls of different ages shared the room, each would have a place
- their own private hiding place. By trial and error, they would be
difficult to access by the others. As she walked over the futons, which
were still on the floor, she hoped in their haste, they had not taken what
she sought.
She opened the closet where they would put away the rolled up futons.
She began methodically pressing the wall, until she found the loose boards.
She removed them. In the small hollow were two books and a few other
mementos of Hiroko's life. The only thing that really felt like stealing
was the saving passbook and the small collection of American Treasury
bills. She considered replacing those, but decided it was better to let
others settle that question. She slipped them into the small bag she had
brought with her. She scanned the room carefully for anything else that
might be important, admitting silently she had little idea what she was
looking for.
She had found several other hiding places, but did not think what she
found there would be useful. Except, to their owners perhaps, so she left
them out in the open and carefully closed the hiding places. Despite the
stench, she examined the kitchen and the living room for anything that
would meet the parameters of her search. She lamented that she could not
bring help with her, but the only two who she trusted to help were either
needed elsewhere, or would have prevented the search.
She closed and relocked the door behind her as she left. The place,
the entire building, already felt like a tomb, she wondered if that would
ever change.
----------------------------------------
Ramsey walked leadenly along the blacktop, barely listening to the
reports from the cult leaders and the Marine commander who walked with him.
The lives freely given had measured the margin between victory and defeat
here. They had made no separation effort, other than to separate the
fallen from those whom they might save. Even that had proven meaningless
in part.
"The Fourth's Brigade lost roughly 200 troops." The black suited man,
practically the uniform of the Sixth's cult, nodded to the man in the
martial arts gi. "Our own, over 300," the man in the suit told the three
men who walked with him.
"Are you saying we should have offered training?" the martial artist
grilled the other cult leader, "Are you saying we should have coordinated
better!? Are saying we wasted these people?"
"No," came the soft answer, "I was not saying that, if you believe I
was implying that, I apologize. We had to stop them, whatever the . . .
whatever _our_ cost. No one who stood here failed to do their duty, to the
end."
Ramsey looked at the rows and rows of gas cylinders thought on the
troops they had lost to defend them. Oxygen, nitrogen, helium, acetylene,
hydrogen, propane all in their own areas, all with their own dangers. That
'lost' meant dead, missing and wounded didn't salve his sense of loss any.
"I saw some drunk turn a cylinder like that upside down and break off the
valve, instant incendiary rocket. If those - " He gestured to the still
smoking truck frames, surrounded by a burnt area, some nearly 30 feet
across. "With their flamethrowers, had gotten in here . . . " He glanced
at the others, they knew that, he was just rambling. He needed to talk
about it. Talk to someone who had seen it themselves. He doubted anyone
else could understand what he felt, pride, anger, sadness, guilt, all
rolled into a package he couldn't untangle himself.
"Whatever customs for . . . " the Marine Colonel offered, "For
honoring your dead, we will of course respect them."
"Thank you, Colonel," the martial artist said, "Normally we would
favor the Japanese custom of cremation . . . after this, it somehow feels
wrong."
"Burial at sea," the black-suited man said, "If you could arrange it
with your Admiral." He pointed to Admiral Simson who was picking his way
towards them.
"Of course," Ramsey said, he was oddly glad to have the distraction,
although he doubted the Admiral had any better news.
"Sir." Ramsey saluted, "The other locations?"
"The other four are as bad as this one," Simson looked around, "Hell
of a thing to say after a victory. I am glad you got those people on our
side. Even with their help, it was a bitch of a job."
"Vehicle-mounted flamethrowers, considering who they were and what
they were after. We shouldn't have been surprised."
"Don't beat yourself up for not being able to think like them,
Captain." Simson glanced at the trio standing together, "How is the black
suit taking it?"
"Considering he's the High Priest now, and his predecessor died in a
sorcerous duel. He's taking it as well as can be expected," Ramsey
answered. No one wanted to speculate where the enemy had gotten a mage of
that power level to help them, or where the other one had gone.
"You know," Simson began, "I always thought Katsuragi was just a
drunk, now I may start drinking whatever she does. Gutsy move, splitting
the EVAs that way. Brilliant, considering who went with whom."
"I was kinda busy here, Admiral. What are you talking about?" Ramsey
asked.
"This was Leyte Gulf stood on its head, Captain. Saotome and Langley
took on the big guy, which was actually a diversion. Ikari and Ayanami
took on the small fry, all of them. Which left the cultists to us. That
made it a stand up fight, and that was the real purpose. Not to mention
she filled the air with misleading messages. I can't wait to read the
transcripts of what went out over the tether comm lines. The attackers had
a command radio, they were listening in on everything we did and said.
Their `god` was only here to keep the EVAs occupied and to receive the
entire city of Tokyo as a burnt offering. Nice people."
Ramsey shivered at that. There were facts about those things he
didn't want to know. He was learning there were things about his fellow
humans he didn't want to know even more. "Have the pilots been informed?"
"No," Admiral Simson said, "For once I agree with Ikari. No
fourteen-year-old should have to know about this. They won, let them savor
their victory. They'll be faced with real carnage soon enough."
----------------------------------------
Ranma entered Ritsuko's apartment. Raccoon was cooking lunch.
Nab-chan was confronting him in the kitchen, neither looked happy.
Nab-chan must have caught him at something, he thought, I bet I can
cheer them up. "Hey, did you two hear?" He wondered why both of them
shrank away like that. "The battle, did you hear about the battle?" he was
so excited, he just had to tell them, "And all the great news?"
"Great news?" Nab-chan asked in a strange voice, she still hadn't
turned around.
Ranma figured she and Raccoon were _really_ pissed at each other.
"Maybe you should tell us later," Raccoon suggested, "After you get
some more information about the battle." He hadn't taken his eyes off
Nab-chan.
"Misato already gave us a hard time about showboating," Ranma
complained, "You sound just like her. You'd think she'd be happier we won,
and how fast. No, not her. You should know, I figured out how to throw
those exploders, just like the first time. Thanks to you. Then Asuka had
to butt in." Ranma had to admit, that rankled, so did the complete lack of
reaction from Raccoon and Nab-chan. "What's the matter with you two? You
act like - "
"Enough!" Raccoon cut him off.
"Jeff . . . no," Nab-chan said softly.
Ranma was beginning to suspect he caught them doing a lot more than
just arguing. He knew the obvious conclusion to jump to was the least
likely. They wouldn't have wanted me to stay here, he thought, If _that's_
what they were doing.
"I . . . I'm not hungry any more." Nab-chan turned around. Ranma saw
her expression, she looked like a lot of the ladies he saw on the street,
downcast eyes, hiding all her feelings. He expected a snide comment or an
ambush, but she just walked past.
Ranma was getting angry, I'm not jealous, he told himself. Ranma
reached out, she shied away from him. "Oh, I give you two a hard time
about hiding my past from me, so you come up with this conspiracy of
silence? Try to ignore me? Is that it?"
"This has nothing to do with you, Saotome. At least not directly."
Raccoon was putting the pots and pans away.
"Well, it's that, or something else? Or are you two pissed that we
let it get away? It's not like we expected it to blow up after it was
dead!" Ranma ignored Raccoon's signals to be quiet, "I will not be quiet.
We got stuck in the simulators for hours, I come back, and you two are
playing house. Fine, you're mad I yelled at you, I figured you'd get over
it."
Raccoon walked past him into the hall to collect his boots. He heard
the door to the girls' room close.
Raccoon's tone was surprisingly mild, "Then you haven't heard? You
didn't hear about what else happened yesterday?"
"I don't know what you're talkin' about, I told you - "
"Yes, I heard you. After the battle, you were in the simulators, all
day. Trust me, drop the subject, until you hear more."
"I can hear more right now! From _YOU_!_" Ranma replied angrily, "I'm
sick of you two thinking you know what's best for me. There's nothing you
can say that I can't handle. I don't need you two protecting me from
everything. And I'm sick of you clamming up and telling me only what _you_
think I need to know. I want to know it all, let's start with what you two
were doing."
"Very well, after you." Raccoon gestured for him to head outside.
Ranma stepped out and waited for Raccoon to join him, and close the
door behind him. Ranma watched him lean against the door, like a tired old
man, he had to wait while the other boy gathered his thoughts. Or makes up
explanations, Ranma irritatedly thought.
"After you left the area, about 3:09, SAR, Search and Rescue, moved
in. For the next eight hours, I was crawling through dark holes, looking
for survivors among the scorched pieces of people. I assume Nabiki did
that same, we haven't talked about it. I spent another four hours working
in the hospital: carrying stretchers, supplies, anything that needed doing.
The burn victims are the worst, the smell permeates everything, your
clothes your hair, L.C.L. would be preferable. Standing by while the
doctors peel off their burnt clothes, piece by piece, is very bad. Should
I go on?"
Ranma felt numb, he couldn't answer. Raccoon scrubbed his face with
his hands, as if still trying to get rid of the smell, "Then I relieved
Nabiki, who was helping with the dying. After they quit bringing in new
victims, they needed people to help move the dead to the trucks to take
them to the morgue. At midnight, I was mopping floors in the hospital,
you'd be amazed at the variety and quantity of things that escape from
wounded people. I finished up about 3:00 A.M. this morning. I'd go on -
but we weren't having an illicit love affair, if that's what you inferred.
So why don't you go back to the limelight and the well-deserved accolades,
and just leave us alone?" He tipped his hat and walked off.
Ranma just stared after the other boy, "I . . . I didn't know." Ranma
barely recognized his own voice. You didn't _care_, until a moment ago, he
reproached himself, he'd never considered what Search and Rescue would do
after the EVAs returned to base. He felt like someone had kicked him in
the guts, he almost wished Raccoon or Nab-chan had, he could understand
that kind of pain.
He headed back inside, it was unbelievable. They would have _told_
us! he thought, considered the help the EVAs could have been, It can't be.
He couldn't believe what they'd told him, but he couldn't believe they were
lying about something like that either. He knew one person he could ask,
one who seemed to know everything.
----------------------------------------
Ranma stood in the kitchen, waiting with the phone in hand until he
heard the phone pick up at the other end. 'Yes?' "Rei, when we fought
Cthugha, were there a lot of casualties?"
"Yes."
"How many dead and wounded." He rested his head in his hand, bracing
his arm on the kitchen counter, he didn't know why he was asking her, why
he needed to know.
"Nonmilitary casualties: 813 confirmed dead, 4083 wounded requiring
medical attention, 1623 missing, all presumed lost. There is not yet a
firm count of military casualties."
He felt his guts bunch up and turn to ice as he slid to the kitchen
floor. Possibly twenty-four hundred people dead, because of him and Asuka.
"What rescue agencies were involved?" he asked in a monotone.
Rei replied immediately as if she'd been eager to give the answer,
"NERV SAR, the U.S. Military, the American and Japanese Red Cross, Japanese
Disaster Recovery. Tokyo Police and Fire Departments - "
"Thank you. Nabiki and Raccoon deployed with NERV SAR that day,
didn't they?"
"There are reports and recommendations for decorations on file at
headquarters. You can ask Dr. Akagi to read them." The girl's mild tone
was almost accusatory.
How much hadn't he paid attention to? What was going on right under
his nose? He hadn't even asked about those two after the debriefing, or
during the congratulations on a job well done after the simulator time.
Only Misato chiding us about showboating, but no mention of the dead, no
real criticism, no urging us to go and make it right, he thought, No. The
two schemers got their hands fouled, again, for the good of everyone else.
"No thanks, Rei. You don't happen to know where Rac . . . Roku-kun
is, do you?" She seems to know everything else, he thought.
"He may be visiting Hiroko, at 158 Sakura Street. Seisuke and Kenta
are there as well."
"Oh, I guess I need to - " He wasn't sure what he needed. "I said
something stupid and he. . . ."
"I research other locations." Rei's voice was more neutral than
usual, she had no opinion whether he should or should not accept her offer.
Rei's automatic assumption he wouldn't at least try to do the right
thing hurt worse than Raccoon's quiet tone. "No, it's all right. Thanks,
bye." He stood and hung up the phone. He knew why Raccoon left. Because
anyone that mad would eventually start a fight, but no one could beat
Saotome Ranma in a fight. So Raccoon said his piece and left, waiting for
Ranma to cool off, so he wouldn't have to fight him, and get beaten. He
walked to Nab-chan's bedroom door. He could see the bunk bed in his room,
another effort not to start a fight.
Ranma was getting really angry now. Misato and the others _had_ to
know about what happened, and they'd kept the pilots in the dark. Except
Rei, Ranma thought, It explains her weird behavior at the briefing before
they let us go home. Every time Misato congratulated us on our progress,
`Wondergirl` looked like she was getting stabbed. "So I walk in crowing
about it." Ranma wondered just how stupid he looked to both of them, and
how callous.
He considered all this as he walked to Nab-chan's door.
"Nab-chan." He knocked, "You in there?"
The door was stiff, she'd blocked it closed somehow. She's probably
blocked the bathroom door too, he thought. He could crawl out the balcony
and go in through the window. He decided against it. She wanted to be
alone. Obviously, you idiot! he cursed himself. He headed for the door,
he needed to find out what had happened. And, what? Apologize? Let him
hit you? he wondered.
He could figure out something.
----------------------------------------
Rei stood in her apartment and stared at the phone. Normally she
hated the thing. Now, she suspected that there other things that needed to
be done, and this thing she had not wanted would help her do them.
She dialed the phone number from memory. "Hokari Hikari," she said in
reply to the 'Moshi moshi' at the other end, "This is pilot Ayanami."
"Ayanami-san?" the class president's voice came over the line.
"You will assemble the class, all you can, at Sakura and Silver River
streets, at 13:00 hours. It is important."
"I don't know . . . " the other girl said, "There may be a way. It's
awfully short notice."
Rei considered what the Commander would say, then a faint smile
crossed her face, a direct quote would serve, " 'You will follow my orders,
or face trial, and I will find someone who will.' Do not involve Tendo
Nabiki."
She heard the girl gulp. "I'll do my best. Sakura and Silver River
Street, 13:00."
"Yes." Rei hung up the phone. She considered what else she would
have to do. She did not understand how people interacted. She took things
apart, fascinated by how the parts and pieces fit together, worked
together. She was far less skilled at reassembling things. The Second had
joked that 'a jigsaw puzzle is the ultimate Wondergirl torture implement,'
the Second had been more right than she knew. Even knowing exactly how
something went together, was not always helpful.
Interacting with people was the worst, the most intricate and most
confusing of all. For years she sat as she watched and _listened_, trying
to determine exactly what was said, why it was said, and why saying the
same words in the same tone at a different time yielded completely
different results. The parts never fit, she had a huge `library` of
remembered interactions, but the events never seemed to exactly fit.
Then the Commander had explained that the context, the events
surrounding the interaction, were the determining factor in many cases.
Not just duty, but in any interaction. To Rei, that sounded like the color
of an airplane determined how fast it could fly. Something she had
considered irrelevant was the key.
She had just experimented on the Class President, and it had worked.
She realized she had many of what she considered 'almost-but-not-quite'
experiences. She would consider the successful use of them while she
walked to the rendezvous. She would arrive early, but that did not matter.
She had several other phone calls to make first, details she needed to
know.
----------------------------------------
"I have to apologize, Doctor," Jeff told Ritsuko in her office.
She was seated behind her desk, he was pacing the office. Ritsuko had
never seen him that agitated, although she knew he had good reason. She
was alarmed that his tone and grimace hid that seething inside.
Jeff continued, "Ranma made a stupid statement, and I blew up. I
don't think much property damage was done. No cats lost."
Her horror turned to a smile, "As long as I don't have to sign an
autopsy, I think I can live with it." She shot back. "Are you going to be
all right? Not that you'd tell me, I guess." You wanted to beat someone
up because of what happened, I'll bet, Ritsuko thought, Except you're
afraid of Ranma, although you'd never admit that either.
"No, I'll survive. I don't think Nabiki is feeling too good about it
either," Jeff said, continued pacing, "It's no fun being told that kind of
trauma isn't a serious thing." Jeff stopped pacing, stood there nervously.
"I am curious why no one even told him about what happened, so he came
charging in like a bull." When he got no answer, he continued speaking and
pacing, "Well, I thought I'd better tell you before you walked into it by
accident."
"Have you ever considered sitting down and talking to him about this?"
Dr. Akagi asked, as she considered the absurdity that about the only thing
Jeff was afraid of was Ranma, and that Ranma was equally afraid of Jeff.
Though they both would deny it with their dying breath.
"No," Jeff replied, "I don't really want to talk about it at all, to
anyone, I just lived it. I'd just end up more frustrated that if I'd just
left it alone." He shrugged, "So I'll leave it alone."
"Eventually that sentiment is going to bubble up," Dr. Akagi warned,
"You know that as well as I do."
"I've got a leave coming up, as you remember. I can let it bubble
then," Jeff told her, tipped his hat as he left.
"That isn't what I meant," Dr. Akagi pulled the preliminary
after-action reports from SAR and some of the other rescue groups. It had
taken some doing to get those, she wanted the information before it was
sanitized for posterity. What the pair had gone through made her shudder,
it was almost more than anything she'd ever had to deal with. She also had
copies of the papers recommending commendations for all involved, from the
military, Red Cross and the Japanese Interior Ministry. But she hadn't
shown them to the two alternates, on Misato's advice. 'The failure of
Ranma and Asuka to control the Angel after they'd wounded it,' Misato had
said. Killed it actually, Ritsuko thought. 'It wouldn't do anyone any
good to harp on it,' Misato had concluded. Except the two who went above
and beyond to help clean up the mess, _our_ mess, and serve the cause in
ways the others didn't even consider, Ritsuko thought.
She considered the treatment her mother had given her, and decided she
was not going to ignore the needs of her charges. Even though they weren't
as 'sensitive' as the others, they were all kids, and they needed adults to
stand up for them. Or they're going to _keep_ getting the short end of the
stick, she thought. She also resolved to call Sammi to warn her about
Ranma and Jeff. There was going to be an explosion on that front, and
soon.
And no one can stop it, she sighed.
----------------------------------------
"Kamis, Rei!" Ranma stormed out of the building, garnering many
shocked and outraged looks, and not a few of sympathy as well.
That's a morgue! Ranma thought, as he gasped for breath, You could
have just _told_ me they died. Hiroko! Kamis, no wonder Nab-chan is
acting that way. He shivered, despite the heat of the day.
He looked over at Sammi. "You - you knew . . . about this?" The
shock of discovery still disordered his breathing and heart beat.
"Some, but not all the details," the woman admitted.
"Do the others know? Besides Nab-chan and Raccoon," Ranma demanded,
"They lived through it. Did you keep this from the others?"
"I don't know."
Ranma couldn't believe it. He squared himself, he had to go back in.
To finish what he had started.
----------------------------------------
Requital
Rei watched her classmates assemble. She had called Shinji herself,
so he had arrived first. Rei also realized that no one had told him what
had happened. The others had not a clue either. She did not understand
the reasons for that.
The others collected in their usual groupings. The Second arrived
with Hikari, Rei considered that no coincidence.
"Trial, Wondergirl?" the Second told her, "She isn't an officer, you
can't put her on trial, or court martial her."
"An incompetent president can be tried, an impeachment," Rei replied.
The Second returned to her friend, frowning and grumbling about
'Robots gone amok!'
Less than a third of the class had assembled by 13:10, Rei decided
that was all they were going to get, and was tired of trying to deflect the
'Why are we here?' questions. Roku-kun might have intentionally
misinterpreted the questions, the Second might have yelled at them to be
patient. Rei had simply stared at them, until they fell silent.
"This way." She started towards 158, down Sakura Street, a tall
office building, eight floors. She wondered if the original builders had
ever considered such a use for it.
The rest of the class picked up that this building, on an otherwise
ordinary street, was different. Something odd was happening inside. Since
Rei knew what to expect, she could watch the changes in her fellow
students' faces, their demeanor and speech.
I am pleased Shinji-kun detected it first, Rei thought when Shinji-kun
had started staring with greater intensity, then his face went blank as the
people, mostly adults, left the building, they were either openly weeping
or stoic, men and women.
Shinji-kun took her arm in alarm. She faced him, "We must go in."
He swallowed, nodded, continued to accompany her, his face a stoic
mask.
Just short of the entrance, where Kraznyzamok-san waited for the
Fourth, Rei halted the group. "Yes. They are dead. Ayami Hiroko, the . .
. Saotome's friends: Hijo Seisuke and Adachi Kenta, and many others." I
want to blame the Fourth and the Second for failing to follow orders, Rei
thought, But that is not correct, orders would not have prevented disaster.
"The Angel's death did this."
Which is the truth, Rei admitted to herself. She felt Shinji-kun take
her hand, she shook her head and removed her hand. It is not the time, she
thought.
"Asuka?" Hikari asked in a small voice, seeing the terrified look on
the Second's face and her trembling.
Rei ignored both of them. "Noncombatants, there were 813 confirmed
dead, another 1623 missing, presumed lost, and 4083 wounded requiring
medical attention. Combatants, military and rescue workers, another 647
dead, 235 missing and 2658 wounded requiring medical attention." Rei
glanced at the building. "Many of our classmates and their families are
within."
Some shook their heads, trying to deny reality. I have no time for
deceit or softheartedness, Rei thought.
Rei headed towards the entrance, Shinji-kun accompanied her, along
with many of their classmates. Those who did not wish to follow, did not.
Rei was disappointed that the Second was part of that group, but not
surprised. There had been no reaction by their leaders to what the Second
and the Fourth Children did, nothing beyond a comment on `showboating`.
I knew what happened. If the Commander had not had another task for
me, I would have gone out to assist, Rei thought, If not the people, then
my fellow pilots. I still do not understand why Captain Katsuragi decided
not to divulge the cost to the others. Did she expect they would never
find out? Did she think it unimportant? Both such attitudes are
dangerous, to be confronted with the facts or with the consequences later
or not at all, would foster a dangerous overconfidence. Captain Katsuragi
has punished and threatened the pilots severely over trivial matters in
past, yet does nothing over an occurrence of this magnitude. I do not
understand her reasoning in these matters. It would be more reasonable to
'Let the punishment fit the crime.'
Just before they entered, Rei stopped those accompanied her. I feel
an explanation is necessary, and a warning, she thought, It is clear that
what they encountered, deeply affected both Nabiki-kun and Roku-kun and
they are two of the most durable individuals I have ever met. I suspect my
classmates will be affected.
"I am here to honor friends," she paused and was daunted by the
intensity with which the others followed her words. "If you are
uncomfortable, I understand." She was glad Shinji-kun accompanied her
inside. I _am_ surprised that Toji and Kensuke also remain, Rei thought.
Perhaps the 'Three Stooges' as Hikari and the Second referred to them, felt
more comfortable together.
"The rescuers, including Nabiki-kun and Roku-kun, are to receive 11
honors for their actions that day," Rei told them, pause, "Including one
already signed by the Emperor and General MacArthur jointly."
"I didn't know," Shinji-kun said, his voice and expression betrayed
none of his feelings. The others were silent, thinking their own thoughts.
Rei could sympathize, it was just too big to comprehend. No thoughts
or emotions could encompass it. She herself felt odd, Hiroko's loss to
_her_ had spurred her to take these actions, actions that should have
terrified her.
Instead, Rei thought, They seem wholly inadequate.
Rei knew Toji's sister, and many others were wounded in Shinji-kun's
first sortie. However, the death toll here was greater than any disaster
since the end of the Pacific war, and had been heavily suppressed. Again,
she wondered why. Why it had happened, why it had engendered the reactions
it had, and why it fell to the pilots to deal with it?
"Ayami Hiroko," Rei told the desk clerk at the entrance, "Eighth
floor," she added as she waited at what would be the main reception desk in
a normal office building.
"Room 8027, are you family members?" the Red Cross woman asked with an
interest that seemed out of place.
"No," Shinji-kun said, "Hiroko-san was a classmate. I guess, we're
just saying goodbye."
"Why did you ask?" Rei asked.
"There are no living relatives. After that other young man asked, I
was hoping . . . " she fell into a shamed silence.
A ray of hope gone. Rei understood that family, gave a sense of
continuance. As I have, Rei thought, It may not be exactly the same
person, but intents go on. The annihilation of the entire family, ends all
of it, as if events ended all the other Reis, there would be no more, no
one to continue the goals, to carry on the objectives. That disturbed Rei,
she suspected from her reaction, and the others, this information would
disturb Roku-kun and Nabiki-kun as well.
Toji spoke as they walked upstairs, "Nobody to pay for a funeral,
that's bad, no one to visit the graves." He shivered.
I must investigate this, Rei thought. The smell was not what she
expected with so many bodies, she guessed the authorities cremated or
embalmed many as rapidly as possible, to reduce the chance of disease. The
shuffling tread of others, sniffles and sobs were the only sounds to be
heard. The conversations among her classmates had not merely muted, but
ended completely. Room 8027 was no different from any other. An office
hastily converted to its new, temporary purpose.
Eleven wooden boxes of various lengths on saw horses dominated the
space.
"I didn't even know she was Catholic," Kensuke whispered his reaction
to the crucifix adorning the coffins.
Hiroko had always been quiet, until Nabiki-kun arrived, like
Shinji-kun . . . Rei thought, And myself, she reduced her reclusiveness
when Nabiki-kun arrived and made the girl her assistant. Rei had seen the
jealousy that caused later, but Hiroko had reached out to Nabiki-kun first.
There is an answer there, Rei considered her next problem.
Less than a dozen students were there with them now. Some had quietly
slipped away, of those remaining, some offered prayers, some stood mutely,
stunned by this almost sterile marker to the carnage and the end of life.
Rei did not need to pray, or waste time with words to the dead. I will
save my words for the living, she silently vowed, They will need what
comfort and explanation I can offer.
----------------------------------------
After the others had trooped in, Asuka gave Sammi and Erin a hard
stare, "You knew about this, didn't you?" she asked in a calm tone,
desperately trying to keep the volcano inside from exploding and preventing
her from getting any answers.
"We knew about some of it," Sammi admitted, "I don't think anyone
except the U.S. Military knows everything."
"Then how did Wondergirl know to bring us all here?" Asuka asked. Her
expression revealed she was losing her struggle with her temper.
Neither guard had an explanation.
"Very well," Asuka said, "I'm going to get some answers!" she said as
she headed off to the Naval Base. Everything about her broadcast the dire
fate of anyone or anything that tried to stop her.
Erin gave Sammi a shrug and headed after her charge.
----------------------------------------
They found the Fourth in Kenta and Seisuke's room. Dozens of small
wooden boxes, ash boxes, lined the walls, note cards were before them. On
some of them, small notes or messages. Rei recognized the handwriting on
most of the messages. It was Nabiki-kun's, or Roku-kun's. Neither Seisuke
nor Kenta left such messages. Saotome was clearly devastated. He made no
move to acknowledge the others in the room.
Rei had no pity for him, and little anger now, There are mistakes, and
there are consequences, to separate one from the other hinders learning.
Rei felt her own anger building, I am not angry that he is here with his
friends, saying nothing, Rei thought, trying to defuse her anger, There is
nothing _to_ say, he made a mistake, I doubt he will repeat it in the
future. But he too needs time to absorb what has happened, what he has
done, and what it cost him now and in the future. She was glad these had
families who would take care of arrangements, carry on whatever goals they
had. To continue them. Her anger found its focus in an odd place, the
people who had decided to enhance the Fourth's considerable and irritating
ignorance. As if they intended to use him to hurt Nabiki-kun and Roku-kun.
----------------------------------------
Rei took Kensuke aside as the others prepared to leave because he . .
. knew Hiroko, Kenta and Seisuke, and seemed at least capable of explaining
the front desk clerk's enthusiasm, and her subsequent distress. The
classmates fell away from Shinji-kun and Rei as they walked to Dr. Akagi's
apartment. He never asked her why they were going, where they were going.
He either knew, or had faith in Rei, or both. He took her hand as they
walked. I am concerned how to handle the next step, Rei thought, This is
not a matter for the Commander, and my other `mentors` are the ones I need
to speak with. "How do I tell them, about the Ayami family?" she asked
Shinji-kun.
For several moments he did not answer as they walked, finally he came
to a decision, "Why don't _I_ tell them. Just stay by me." He smiled
nervously to her.
She nodded her agreement, returning a faint smile of her own.
The Fourth charged up to them. Rei put a hand up to stop him, she
considered using her AT field to stop him if he tried to bypass them.
"I," he began breathlessly, "I have to . . . "
"No," Rei told him firmly, "Let them be."
He did not understand, he tried to step around her. She moved to keep
him blocked, Shinji-kun moved to support her.
How do I tell him that they will not thank him for his clumsy demands
for forgiveness? Rei wondered. "They cannot give you absolution," she told
him. Rei caught his arm when he tried to step past, she forced her anger
down, It is _not_ his fault, she reminded herself.
"I . . . What can I do?" he demanded plaintively.
I do not have any answers, Rei thought, He has made me angry in the
past, he is making me angry now. "There is no secret technique. No one
you can hit to restore things. Do not hurt others to ease your pain," Rei
told him, she tightened her grip on his arm until he winced, "Do not assume
that a death will balance things, yours or another's." She stared at him
until he looked away, she released him and he left.
Her outburst surprised Shinji. I do not know what to tell him, she
admitted to herself.
"Rei-chan, how do you know these things?" Shinji-kun asked.
Rei could not lie to him, she also knew she could not tell him the
truth. "I would protect you," Rei told him, "Your family."
"I think I understand," Shinji-kun said, took her hand and led her up
the stairs to Dr. Akagi's apartment.
----------------------------------------
Redress
Asuka didn't bother announcing herself. She just barged past the
Admiral's yeoman, and into his office. He and Captain Ramsey were looking
over some papers. They looked up in surprise at the invader, neither
immediately reacted.
"What the Hell did you think you were doing keeping that kind of
information from us?" she loudly demanded, fists on her hips, "That kind of
cover-up might have worked, except Wondergirl of course knows everything,
and Ice Princess and Raccoon were _part_ of the rescue and medical teams."
She marched over to the desk to confront them closely. "Common courtesy
and common _sense_ would have made you warn us. I bet Horseface charged in
on the two of them crowing his victory to all the world, while they were
mourning their losses and licking their wounds." She paused for a moment.
"Well don't you have anything to say!?"
"Nicht sprechenz Deutsch," Ramsey mangled the German. [I don't speak
German.]
Asuka squeezed her eyes shut, covered her face with both hands. I was
screaming at them in German, she thought.
She paused. In a more controlled tone and posture, she went over
everything she'd said, in English this time.
"We weren't aware of Davis and Tendo being in the thick of things,
that's a clear violation of standing orders," Simson told her.
"What? You're telling me they _violated_ orders by being out helping
people?" Asuka shouted in disbelief. "I suppose you're going to discipline
them for that. You do know that Ice Prin . . . Miss Tendo, lost her best
friend."
"We aren't completely heartless," Ramsey replied.
Then what are you doing working for NERV? she didn't ask aloud. "So,
what are you going to do?" She leaned over the desk, to look at the
papers. "I suppose Horseface . . . and I, are looking at some . . . severe
discipline."
"We're still analyzing the situation." Simson indicated the papers.
"From what we've pieced together, we got lucky."
"A few thousand dead and missing hardly sounds like luck," Asuka
commented as she stood up straight, frowned at the situation.
"It's luck when you consider one or two - or three - orders of
magnitude worse was a distinct possibility," Simson told her, "We're still
going over it. In a day or two, when we've had a chance to wargame it out,
we'll have an idea how bad it could have been. Right now our experts are
saying 'Very much worse!'"
Asuka felt cold clutch at her guts.
"As bad as it was, it's not completely out of line with some of the
other sorties," Ramsey told her.
"What?! This debacle was typical?!" Asuka shook her head to deny it.
"Do you _really_ want to see the casualty reports?" Ramsey asked
quietly.
Now Asuka felt cold all over. "I think I've been coddled quite
enough."
----------------------------------------
Rei and Shinji-kun had entered the silent apartment, walking
noiselessly through, they found Roku-kun and Nabiki-kun sitting in
Nabiki-kun's room, facing each other, saying nothing, unmoving. The seated
pair turned to face them as Shinji-kun and Rei entered. Rei saw the red
eyes and tear tracks on Nabiki-kun's face. Roku-kun was less affected,
clearly more concerned for Nabiki-kun than for Hiroko or the others. Rei
was gravelly disturbed by the lack of talk between the pair, normally they
talked constantly. Not now.
For a moment, Rei despaired of accomplishing anything with either of
them, Why do I believe I can accomplish -
"Nabiki-chan," Shinji-kun knelt near Nabiki-kun, facing her, he bowed
slightly, "I don't want to add to your troubles, but . . . the Ayami family
has no one to make the final arrangements. I believe we can help."
Nabiki-kun looked at him with shock and horror. She let out a
stuttering breath, but could say nothing. She nodded with a look of
determination, she glanced at Roku-kun, he nodded as well.
Rei knelt next to her and reached over, taking Nabiki-kun's shoulder.
I am not comfortable doing this, with touching or being touched, but I can
comprehend the need. The few times I needed the contact with another
person to steady my thoughts or emotions . . . and touch is the easiest, I
have no words, Rei thought.
Nabiki-kun put her head on Rei's shoulder, her arms around her. Rei's
instinct was to shy away from the roughness of her touch, but it was
necessary. Rei forced herself to relax, stroking Nabiki-kun's back, as if
she were washing it, as Nabiki-kun sobbed and screamed, voicing her pain,
her frustration.
Shinji-kun followed Roku-kun's example, laid one hand on Nabiki-kun's
shuddering shoulders, the other on her arms.
Rei neither knew nor cared, how long they sat together like that.
That was a first for Rei, who normally kept meticulous track of time. The
cries quieted, the grip weakened and fell away. Rei helped Roku-kun
arrange Nabiki-kun on her futon after Shinji-kun had pulled it out, they
put the blankets over her before they left for the living room. Rei noted
how much Roku-kun was leaning on his cane, moving slowly, almost painfully.
----------------------------------------
"Thank you," Roku-kun said quietly, as they sat at the table in Dr.
Akagi's dining door. "Actually doing something will help her immensely."
Rei nodded, watched him carefully. Nabiki-kun had been acting very
peculiarly, she expected Raccoon would be the same. Instead he was more of
who he really was: withdrawn, secretive, and the sequestered foreigner. He
is having trouble maintaining his facade, she realized, then she considered
what other effects this would have.
"What about you?" Shinji-kun asked.
Roku-kun frowned, Rei thought it was artifice, a remembered
requirement, or an act upon a stage. There was little behind it.
"I'll survive." Raccoon paused looked around. "What became of
Saotome-san?"
"He did not like my sending him to the morgue," Rei said.
"This isn't his fault," Roku-kun said tiredly, "It's nobody's _fault_,
except the ones who sustain this war." He rubbed his face, "The last one
we faced was Nyarlathotep, then Cthugha. I thought those two _hated_ each
other."
"They do," Shinji-kun said, then glanced at Rei and Roku-kun in alarm,
"How did I know that?"
"Memories," Rei explained, "Of what we've fought. I too have them."
"Me too," Roku-kun told him, scrubbing his face with his hands again,
as if trying to efface the memories or his fatigue.
Shinji-kun covered his face, shook his head. "I have enough trouble
with just my life. I don't need any others."
"It'll get worse, before it gets better," Roku-kun explained.
"Assassination," Rei told them. Got stares for a moment, then
realization dawned on the boys.
"You think . . . Nyar - the inspector - sent his rival in, so we could
kill him?" Shinji-kun asked, in confusion and disbelief.
"Let us clear the field of the small fry," Roku-kun agreed, "Build us
up, bit-by-bit, until - what, he kills us, sacrifice for some purpose?"
"Fuel, food, or offering?" Rei wondered aloud. I must tell the
Commander. If we are serving Nyarlathotep, however obliquely, he must be
told! Rei told herself, felt herself descending, drowning in anxiety.
'Are you all right Ayanami?' she heard Shinji-kun asked. His voice
drew her back to them, away from the edge.
"Yes."
"You looked mildly perturbed," Roku-kun said, "For you, that's like
realizing the world is ending."
"It might," Rei agreed.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko looked at the darkness outside her bedroom window, then at the
lump a short distance away. Nabiki hadn't eaten much, had said even less.
Even Ranma had finally realized that his speaking to her wasn't a good
idea, as if his every word crushed her spirit further. Night and sleep had
come as a mercy for both of them. All three of us, she corrected herself.
So Ritsuko had thought. Then the nightmares had started. She thought
she knew Nabiki's sleep patterns. The dreams came with moving eyes, later
in the night, this was different. Nabiki sat up suddenly and started
wailing, convulsing to ward off something that wasn't there.
"Nabiki, Nabiki!" Ritsuko tried to restrain the flailing girl, to keep
her from hurting herself.
Nabiki glanced around, she didn't know where she was. Ritsuko could
feel Nabiki's heart racing, for a terrible instant she thought the girl was
going to explode.
"Nabiki, what was it? There's nothing to hurt you!" Ritsuko reassured
her, "It was only a dream."
Still Nabiki didn't react to her words, struggling at random, looking
around desperately for what had terrified her. Ritsuko tried to placate
her again and again, to no effect. It was as if she wasn't there, neither
of them. Ritsuko was just holding a twitching ball of fear, Nabiki
wouldn't let anything else exist except her fear.
All my science and intellect, Ritsuko lamented, And I'm helpless here.
She could only wait, hoping whatever fear had gripped the girl would
release her soon. She had barely heard Ranma's tread outside the door, she
knew he felt as powerless as she did. She didn't know what to do except
wait, she had no advice for him, except 'Wait.'
"Rit - tsuko?" Nabiki finally asked, squirmed a bit in Ritsuko's grip.
Ritsuko knew that only a few minutes had passed, but her own fear made
it seem like hours. "Yes, I'm here. It was only a dream."
"No . . . " Nabiki said, "if it were a dream . . . wouldn't I remember
it, some part of it?" Nabiki crumbled, ashamed of her outburst now, of her
weakness.
"Maybe not," Ritsuko said. She was torn whether she should offer her
a sedative or not. "There's nothing to be afraid of."
"Maybe I shouldn't have investigated Raccoon's magic potion, I sure
could use it right now."
"Potion?" Ritsuko wondered how much was imagination.
"A placebo," Nabiki admitted, "But it worked. But they don't work
anymore, if you don't believe in them. But I was stupid, thought I knew
better than anyone else, again!" Nabiki abruptly broke down and began
sobbing.
Ritsuko sat there, holding her, there was nothing else she could think
of, nothing else she could do. She was also aware of her other charge
standing outside the door. She knew Ranma knew he shouldn't come in, and
she couldn't go out and leave Nabiki alone. She knew he would stand there,
the entire night if necessary, each of Nabiki's cries carving a hole in
him. She thought ironically that a return to the old living arrangements,
and a glass of cold water, and Ranma would _have_ someone to cry on, a way
to relieve the guilt he had to be feeling.
"It's not fair," Nabiki said, mirroring Ritsuko's own thought. "She
wouldn't have died, if we'd done our jobs. If I'd looked harder, I would
have found her."
"That's not true," Ritsuko said, "We all did our best, you couldn't
have done any more."
"I could have! I could have!" Nabiki countered angrily.
Ritsuko could only hold the girl until she exhausted herself. She
arranged Nabiki on her futon, debated adding the blanket, decided against
it, then glided over to the door. She opened it and saw Ranma standing
there, staring inside, as if some grand mystery was within the `girls'`
room.
She saw the pain on his face. He might claim to the skies that he was
all right, there was nothing wrong. He wasn't alone among the pilots to do
that. But unlike all the others, he perpetually wore his heart on his
sleeve, he couldn't hide what he was feeling from anyone with eyes. She
didn't ask, because he'd refuse, she simply collected him, laying his head
in her lap as she sat. She wouldn't comment if he cried or if he didn't,
for all his attempts to be `manly`, these were times even a grown man would
cry. None of the Children were grown, none of them were expected to be
unaffected by this.
----------------------------------------
Rei climbed the fire escape, she hadn't the catlike grace and silence
of the others, so her stealth left much to be desired. She remembered
climbing another fire escape a long time ago. She had handled that
approach badly, and wound up impaled on a wrought iron fence six stories
below. She had died that day, not the first time, nor the last. She would
approach more carefully this time, she could not afford the overconfidence
that had doomed her the last time.
She was actually disappointed her quarry had not noticed her as she
approached. She debated the wisdom of making a noise to attract his
attention. No, she thought, I can better gauge preparedness by making a
quiet approach. She also knew she would better make her point if she could
approach to contact undetected. She remembered the pattern that the
response would normally take, and she prepared an immediate counter.
She slipped around the last obstacle and closed on the figure huddled
near the corner of the roof, peering down through a small telescope. She
reached out, at first tentatively, then like a striking snake, turning the
figure to face her.
She caught Raccoon's gun hand with her other hand as she dragged her
fellow pilot away from the edge of the building. She ignored his quiet
protests until they were out of sight of the street below.
"Do you really value your life so little?" she was amazed at the
anger, even the fury she felt towards Roku-kun at this moment. She
intellectually knew he did not mean his presence here, alone and
unsupported, as a betrayal, but her response to it was appropriate only if
he were doing exactly that, especially if he did it to hurt her and the
others. "As I told the Fourth, a death will not equalize things. Not
yours, not another's."
"Who else could kill that thing? You?" he replied.
Even she could hear the despair in his voice.
"What do you expect me to do? Sit back and do nothing?"
"You are not competent to defeat him now. I was able to approach, you
did not react."
"I'm just tired," he replied. The anger had not left, she suspected
he had turned it on himself.
"Then leave it to others and rest," she told him. She could
understand his anger all too well, the Fourth's need to do also overwhelmed
common sense. If her past failures, and death, had not proven the utter
futility of such responses to her so thoroughly, she might now be making
the same mistakes. "You can either accompany me back to Kraznyzamok-san's
apartment, or I can carry you there." She was glad she had talked to the
Second about how best to approach this. She had warned Rei than nothing
less than overwhelming force would distract him from his goal. She had
spoken with experience, and Rei had no reason to disbelieve her.
"You wouldn't dare," Roku-kun confidently told her. Proving the
Second's point.
She knew she could never outargue Roku-kun, she fell back on one of
the absolute advantages she had over all the other pilots, brute strength.
She also knew that between his fatigue and his `gentlemanliness`, he would
be unable to fight back effectively. As long as she took pains not to
injure him, she would have an insurmountable advantage. His struggles were
slow, uncoordinated, she soon had him completely trapped. With her arms
behind his knees pinning his folded legs against his chest, his back
against her chest. Rei lifted him easily.
"I would dare," Rei told him as she balanced under the unfamiliar
load. It disturbed her that a boy, who towered over her, was only heavier
than she was because of the weight of his coat and the equipment he
carried.
He was shivering now, she was unsure whether fatigue, emotion or both
elicited this reaction. She shifted him to an arrangement more comfortable
for both of them, but she did not release him, until they arrived back at
Kraznyzamok-san's apartment.
She was extremely surprised that Roku-kun had fallen asleep on the run
home. She wasn't certain if she should be pleased, embarrassed or
concerned. The Second's silent acknowledgment was another ambiguous
element in a day overflowing with them, the Second's expression was a
poker-faced mask. Even Rei knew it covered deep emotions, the Second's
rigid movements were clear indication of that.
The Second turned down his bed as Rei sat Roku-kun in a chair in his
room. Rei removed his overly heavy coat and loosened his tie. Her actions
did not awaken him.
"He'll run himself into the ground," the Second told her
emotionlessly, "Nothing can change that."
Nevertheless, Rei felt the pending explosion.
'You two are the same,' the mentor of the Meliorist had told Rei, when
he thought she was the Second's dreamself, 'You'd take a deathblow, and act
like it's only a flesh wound until the job is done. You'll both pay a
price for that. There are people who'll help you, if you only let them.'
Rei had wondered at the time if the same applied to her, now she decided it
did, both parts. "You have learned the truth?" she asked.
"All those deaths, all they kept from us?" the Second asked. For a
moment the mask slipped, Rei recognized anger, horror, and a dozen lesser
passions parading across her face before the mask was firmly in place
again.
"Nabiki-kun and Roku-kun were the most badly affected," Rei said,
trying to gauge what she could ask for, what she could expect. "Shinji-kun
cannot watch them all hours of the day. Even `Wondergirl` cannot."
"So you want me to watch over him when you can't?" the Second asked,
she frowned, "I suppose I'll have to look after Horseface as well,
considering how famously you two get along."
Rei had not expected _that_, but she had learned in her chess games
'when you're winning everything, don't argue'. She nodded, "I would not
ask you to," her comment elicited a deeper frown from the Second.
"No reason to get sarcastic," the Second told her as she headed
towards Roku-kun. "You want to help me wash him off? He stinks."
Rei noticed the faint odor, but her experiences of the day had
temporarily killed her sense of smell.
The Second gave her an evil grin, a clear marker she had the advantage
and worse was yet to come. "Surely you've wanted to do that to Spineless,
but you haven't figured out how."
Rei's embarrassment at the truth of that statement was coupled with
her pleasure that at least part of the Second remained as she was. If the
enemy attacked, she could count on herself and perhaps Shinji-kun, now she
could add the Second. The others were questionable. "How?" she asked, "If
soap and shampoo could not do it . . . "
"Lemons and tomato juice, I got them ready." The Second slung one of
Roku-kun's arms over her shoulders, waited until Rei had duplicated her
action. "And it's just a basic sponge bath, nothing to offend your
delicate sensibilities. So, relax Wondergirl, I'll show you." Then she
muttered so quietly Rei barely caught it, she evidently wasn't supposed to,
"Turn about is fair play."
She would have to determine the meaning and specifics of that, later.
Now she lifted with the Second.
----------------------------------------
Reckoning
June 17, 1947
Ritsuko hated these meetings with the NERV Commanders, she'd hated
them when she was forced to listen to Yui and Gendo Ikari, Naoko Akagi and
Kozo Fuyutsuki argue the same things. Even with both Yui and Naoko long
dead, their stamp on these arguments still remained.
She felt unclean, while Gendo and Kozo were looking absurdly pleased
with the events of the last few days.
"I was concerned that Tendo and Davis seemed to be falling behind the
others," Gendo began, "Now it seems they've made up lost ground and even
pulled ahead of the others."
Pretty euphemism for having an experience so terrible you've got no
choice _except_ to hide it way in your deepest recesses, Ritsuko thought, I
can remember when you agreed with me, that providing them something to
fight _for_ would return better results than giving them experiences they
would try to hide from the world. "Naoko and Yui would be pleased," she
said, "Perhaps I should schedule them for testing, to see how it has
improved the strength of their AT fields."
"I think a short delay would be in our best interests," Kozo said,
"Let them get the full benefit of their experiences. What they try to hide
from the world, strengthens their AT field, you know that Doctor."
Of course, Ritsuko thought, I've heard the theories, but that's all
they are, theories. "I remember you once held a different opinion." The
opinions of the dead have become holy writ, she thought, kept her
expression placid, despite the tempest within her.
"Well, now you can confirm the theories," Kozo said, "I am curious
about the long-term effects. This ironically advances both competing
points of view, if we can handle it properly."
"That will be your responsibility, Doctor," Gendo told her, "I hope
you understand the necessity of the imposition and the possible achievement
placed in your hands."
"I do, Commander," Ritsuko agreed, keeping her expression neutral.
She knew the rest of the meeting would be details, couched in equally banal
terms. Plans to protect and change the world, in terms of assembling the
weekly grocery list.
----------------------------------------
Ranko walked through the rain. It seemed appropriate that even the
sky was dumping on her. Ranma had seen Mirei a couple of hours ago. He'd
thought it was a great opportunity to talk to someone. Then the skies had
opened up. Mirei and her grandfather ran for their car and drove off,
leaving Ranko soaking wet, and alone.
She'd been walking ever since. Talking to Sammi wasn't an option.
Ranma had intentionally lost the woman a few minutes after he left Dr.
Akagi's apartment. Ranma hadn't, and Ranko still didn't want any adults
around. She didn't feel like running away, because there was only one
thing left to run away from, herself. Everything and everyone else had
either shut him out, or he'd run away from it.
Running away hadn't accomplished what he, then she had hoped. Running
around Tokyo in the pouring rain, she had only gotten wet, not solace or
answers. The problem with getting answers, was her most trusted sources
were not available, and they'd lied to her. They both believed they'd done
it for her own good. Then she'd screwed up and cut those ties completely.
She didn't _have_ ties to the others. Nor were they good at solving the
problems she was having. She looked around her, the rain seemed to have
cleared the streets of all the dirt, and all the people.
Despite the millions of people around her, she was completely alone.
She hated being alone.
----------------------------------------
Asuka lowered her binoculars as she held the umbrella in her other
hand. "Of all the stupid promises I could have made to Wondergirl . . . If
she thinks a little rain will make _me_ break my word, she's got another
think coming. I'm not sweet and delicate like Spineless, I won't melt in
the rain," she grumbled as she followed the other NERV redhead, "Not even
smart enough to get out of the rain," Asuka complained, "That's Horseface
to a fault."
----------------------------------------
Rei stared at Nabiki-kun, she did not have to envision her building a
wall around herself, specifically around the burnt out area in her
emotions, the place the pain and loss concentrated. Rei did not need to
know Nabiki-kun well to guess this. She knew because she had done it
herself. Trying to keep anyone from seeing or `touching` the pain, the
survivor guilt, the irrational anger at the deceased, and the shame of
feeling that anger.
The pilots were all the same, they kept a lot to themselves, she did,
Shinji-kun did, the Second and Roku-kun were particularly 'skilled' at it.
Assuming that Nabiki-kun was the same was not hard. Now, she also
remembered how Nabiki-kun and Roku-kun had found a way to infiltrate her
defensiveness. They had broken down her defenses, slowly, carefully,
drawing her out almost without her noticing. Now, she did not fear being
with them or the other pilots. The attendant responsibilities of being
with them, being one of them, daunted her, but that wasn't the same.
She knew she had no skill with such subtle machinations, as with
Roku-kun, her only answer was carefully measured brute force. She would
have to watch for the reactions to her actions, and decide whether to
continue, or change her approach.
She removed the first book she had taken from Hiroko's hidey-hole, Rei
believed it was the girl's most treasured possession. She opened the book
to a photo of the entire group, perhaps when they had gone to the movies.
Rei set the picture in front of Nabiki-kun, watched her glance at the
photo, neither girl showed any reaction to the smiling face in the photo.
"She loved you," Rei said, showing the way Hiroko was holding
Nabiki-kun's arm, almost a mirror of Rei and Shinji-kun holding hands.
Nabiki-kun stared at her in shock.
"She knew you loved the Fourth, Ranma, her chief desire was your
happiness." Rei stopped, she had delivered the blow, now she had to wait
for the reaction.
Nabiki-kun covered her face and bent down.
Rei moved beside her, holding her shoulders while the girl silently
sobbed. Rei waited. If Nabiki-kun followed Rei's own path, there would be
sadness, and rage, mixed inexplicably with each other and more.
Nevertheless, Rei had plans prepared for many such possibilities.
She knew the emotion had to be relieved. Holding it in was usually
called festering, like an infected wound. Dr. Akagi had let her rage
fester, until the other pilots arrived. Rei wondered if the scientist
realized the strength of her reactions was due to the force she had let
build since Yui Ikari's murder.
Rei could wait as Nabiki-kun absorbed this latest information. She
did wish Nabiki-kun would begin speaking again. It would make this easier.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko wasn't sure where she was. The park she'd found herself in
was like any of a dozen parks in Tokyo, although only the plethora of
Japanese families suggested it was anywhere in Japan. It could have just
as easily been Sapporo, Osaka, Kyoto, or any other city. Grass, trees,
small hills like sand dunes, a packed dirt path meandering through it, and
a small lake, with ducks floating and swimming in it, a short distance from
where she stood.
She was wearing her usual clothes, including her lab coat. It was
sufficiently out of style with the majority of people around her, men and
women, she felt no need to try to blend in. She would have broken out a
clipboard and started taking notes, if she'd had one.
She suddenly found two girls racing around her legs, and they were
vaguely familiar. The one in the yellow gi looked a lot like Ranma, not
just because of the martial arts attire, but the combative attitude and the
hairstyle. The other looked very like Ritsuko would have expected Nabiki
to look, at about six-years old.
I'm in a dream again, Ritsuko realized.
"Can't catch me, can't catch me!" the younger one in the yellow gi
proclaimed.
The Nabiki-like one stopped, waited and caught her . . . Sister?
Ritsuko wondered, as the younger girl ran past.
The two girls turned it into a tussle, the martial artist shouting
'Cheater!' as she got the upper hand in the physical contest with her older
sister.
Ritsuko grabbed each by the collar, glad her strength was
undiminished, and lifted Nabiki up to sit on her shoulders, and swung the
Ranma-like one under her arm.
"See! See! Akane!" Nabiki shouted at 'Akane', "Rit-chan likes me
best!"
Well, she knows who I am, Ritsuko thought, "Nabiki-chan," she chided
the girl, "Don't taunt Akane."
"You're taking her side?" Nabiki accused, nearly in tears.
"No." Ritsuko swung Akane up until she was hanging upside down, with
Ritsuko holding her by her ankles.
Akane was shrieking, although Ritsuko could recognize the difference
between a happy shriek and a warning shriek.
"Torturing her is my job, watch this." Ritsuko swung Akane back up
until she was seated in the crook of her arm.
"More! More!" Akane demanded.
"No," Ritsuko told her firmly, as she crested a rise. She smiled at
Nabiki, who was smirking at her little sister.
A man in a brown gi approached up the hill, he needed a haircut, and
his moustache trimmed. Below, in a shadowed hollow, a woman who looked
like Ranma or Akane's mother sat with another little girl. Nabiki
apparently took after her father, as far as facial structure was concerned,
assuming the man was Nabiki's father.
The man bowed, "I hope my daughters weren't troubling you."
"This is Akagi-sensei," Nabiki chirped, hugging Ritsuko's neck
tightly.
"No, no trouble." Ritsuko hoped she could get some insight into why
she was here. "I've never met the rest of your family. In all my time
with Nabiki-chan, she hasn't discussed the rest of you very much."
"Please join us for lunch," the man offered.
Ritsuko thought it was an excellent chance to get her answers. She
also suspected that with the screaming awakenings Nabiki had lately, she
could probably put a stop to this nightmare, before it became one. She
recognized Shinji and Rei's efforts with Nabiki for what they were. While
she was amazed that Rei of all people was doing it, the nightmares and
night terrors had intensified. If I can stabilize this situation, Ritsuko
thought, She can get some respite from all of this.
Ritsuko watched Nabiki's mother and oldest sister pass out the food.
Well, I know the eldest takes after mommy, the baby takes after daddy. So
where does Nabiki fit in? Ritsuko thought, as 'Akane' played with her
father. Ritsuko doubted Nabiki's parents intended to shut Nabiki out, but
that was how Nabiki perceived it. Little Nabiki simply didn't have the
interests her parents did.
Ritsuko watched Nabiki look longingly at her sisters and her parents.
Ritsuko recognized the 'middle child' syndrome, not the pampered baby, not
as responsible as her elders, caught between.
"So, Nabiki, are you going to tell me their names?" Ritsuko asked with
an eyebrow raised in disapproval.
Nabiki sighed, "That's Kasumi, she thinks she's mommy, that's Akane,
she thinks she's daddy, Soun."
She didn't tell me her mother's name, Ritsuko thought, focusing her
attention on the woman, then she felt the corruption growing inside her.
Ritsuko twisted the dream to put a stop to it, then reversed it. You will
not die. Not while I'm here, she thought, realizing one of the things
Nabiki was torturing herself with: the death of her mother, that she hadn't
been a `good` daughter because she wasn't carefully, even slavishly,
following either of her parents' paths.
Except Nabiki is the finest martial artist I've ever seen, except for
Ranma, Ritsuko analyzed, Did she take up martial arts _because_ her mother
died? Ritsuko had no answers.
She chatted amiably with the other woman, joked with the father, Soun,
about martial arts and that even Nabiki was a match for her.
The most telling thing was the jealousy Nabiki displayed when either
of her two sisters showed 'her parent', Ritsuko, any interest. While that
flattered Ritsuko, she understood it was Nabiki's craving for someone or
something all her own.
That also explains why Hiroko's death hit her so hard, Ritsuko
speculated, Someone came to _her_, not her family, not her sisters, not
even her money and skills, her. Ritsuko also saw the constant tug-of-war
that Nabiki must have lived through, she and her older sister were
constantly directed to 'behave like ladies' by their mother, while the
youngest tore around like a hellion because she 'Is a martial artist.'
I'm beginning to wonder if 'martial artist', is code for 'socially
inept', Ritsuko considered. Nabiki was naturally more rambunctious, and
younger, than meek Kasumi, she could not live up to the standard set by her
mother and older sister. She also suspected Nabiki was exaggerating events
considerably.
After the meal was over, Ritsuko thanked her hosts and prepared to
leave.
"Don't go Ritsuko-sempai!" Nabiki shouted as she desperately clung to
her legs. "They don't need me! They don't want me! If mommy lives, then
they won't ever need me again!" The girl stared up at Ritsuko and burst
into tears.
Ritsuko glanced at the family, the parents were chagrined, but the two
little girls were shaking their heads, as if they expected this kind of
outburst.
"Don't you love your family?" Ritsuko asked, ignoring the painful
memories of her own `family` growing up.
"They don't need me!" little Nabiki insisted.
Ritsuko decided to take a risk, she banished the picnic, the park and
the other Tendos. She and Nabiki were in her lab at NERV HQ. "Is this
what you want? To be alone here? Cut off from your family?" Ritsuko
could not return Nabiki to her correct age, the little girl still clung to
her.
"They never needed me until mommy got sick!" Nabiki assured her
breathlessly, tears still streaming down her face, "They never wanted my
help. But you need me, don't you Ritsuko-sempai, you need me?"
"Yes, we need you." Ritsuko picked the little girl up. "We need you
very much, and you are helping your family," Ritsuko added. The girl's
continuing tears made no sense, but it was a dream, she knew it didn't have
to make sense.
----------------------------------------
Ritsuko woke suddenly, as Nabiki squirmed in her lap. Despite the
warmth of the room, Ritsuko pulled the bedding over Nabiki. She examined
the little ball curled up in her lap, she dried her own tears before she
dried Nabiki's. She knew she'd done all she could, but it didn't seem
enough. She didn't know how to make things better, despite the clues the
dream had given her.
She remembered Davis and Nabiki going into Search and Rescue 'to be
useful', and that Nabiki seemed to be sabotaging her boyfriend-girlfriend
relationship with Ranma at nearly every step, but tried to preserve their
sempai-kohai affiliation at the same time. Unless you assume her main
drive is to be needed rather than loved, Ritsuko realized, Then it explains
a lot of her odd behaviors, but it can't be that simple, can it?
Ritsuko glanced at the clock, it was still hours until daybreak. She
could watch over Nabiki until Rei and Shinji arrived, then she smirked at
that thought. Her trusting Rei and Shinji to look after someone else, when
the two of them could barely look after themselves. Then she smiled at
that thought, and that many others had often whispered the same of _her_.
Strange, we can't look after ourselves, but we can look after someone
else, she thought how off-center a world was to allow such things.
----------------------------------------
June 18, 1947
Shinji was washing the breakfast dishes, he knew Rei-chan would be
here soon, he idly wished she'd come to Misato's for breakfast. He was
rather proud of his skill, and he wanted to show off a little for her.
"You going over to Ritsuko's place again today?" Misato asked, sitting
at the dining room table, still in her T-shirt and shorts.
I wish she'd wear some decent clothes around here, Shinji thought
before answering, "Yeah, it's not the best way to spend summer break . . .
but I think we're doing some good."
"Sounds like fun to me," Misato teased, "Spending summer break with
your harem." She smirked at him and his embarrassment.
Shinji felt his ears burn with that statement. He did like spending
time with Rei-chan, but he understood he was mostly there for Nabiki. Even
if all he did was listen and fetch tea, urge her to eat something. "Well,
maybe when Nabiki is well, we can help you," he replied.
Misato's face went through a series of expressions, from shock to
pain, settling on resignation. "I'm fine," she said flatly.
You don't sound fine. If you were `fine`, I wouldn't be here, Shinji
thought about revealing the content of Misato's own dreams to her, then
hastily decided against it, In fact you sound exactly like Nabiki, and both
of you are lying. Maybe if you admitted you were a person like the rest of
us, we could accept that and go on. "I won't argue," he said, waiting for
Misato to say more, or Rei-chan to arrive.
----------------------------------------
Shinji glanced over at Rei-chan as the two of them walked closely
under one umbrella. The guard trailed a short distance behind them. The
presence of an adult embarrassed Shinji he could almost ignore, while he
and Rei-chan talked privately. The slight rain sprinkles dotted the road
ahead of them. He blocked out the buildings and the people around them.
He did wish that Tendo-san would either drop back more or join in the
conversations, maybe he could answer some of his questions.
"Rei-chan?" he spoke quietly, waited until she nodded, "Do you feel .
. . guilty, I guess. We didn't get hurt, not really."
"Do you believe you were not hurt?" Rei-chan asked, "Perhaps, that
others were hurt, has hurt you."
"What about you?" Shinji asked, took her hand.
Rei-chan nodded, "I - I do not like what has happened. I -," she
paused, her face twisted in wrath, a ferocity Shinji had never seen before,
"Hate - what has happened to Nabiki-kun. While Raccoon attempts to
disguise it, he too is wounded. Even the Second and the Fourth were
damaged."
Shinji looked at her expression, others thought she was emotionless,
he'd seen hints of that snarling look when she was in battle. It was more
frightening than ugly, but Shinji knew he had much the same expression.
Both of them would fight until there was nothing left.
"Is that what we're doing?" Shinji asked, "Finishing the fight?"
"No," Rei told him firmly, shook her head, returning to `normal`, "We
cannot give the enemy another victory. Not Nabiki-kun, nor Raccoon . . . I
do not know what more to do for the Second or the Fourth."
"Is there anything else I could do?" Shinji looked at her and asked.
Rei-chan considered a long time as they walked along. "I do not know.
The Second would not accept your help, the Fourth would never admit any
weakness."
"So we help Nabiki-kun. Has Raccoon been planning things? The
funeral I mean," Shinji asked, "That's kind of gruesome. I mean, Hiroko
was his friend, how can he - "
"He is not Japanese, he is not you, he is not me." Rei squeezed
Shinji's hand as she gave him a small smile. "He must _do_, but there are
dangers."
"What kind of dangers?" Shinji asked, he wondered what else could go
wrong.
"You felt it, I did," Rei explained, "To force it away, gives it great
force when it finally returns."
"Is there anything that we can do about that?" Shinji asked. What
does Rei think he's forcing away? Shinji wondered, Grief, fear, anger,
what?
"I believe so," Rei-chan said, "But now is not the time." She turned
to face him, she had a calculating look that would have been more
appropriate on his father's face. "When the time occurs, there must be no
hesitation. Or we will lose him. Nor can we hesitate in helping
Nabiki-kun, or we will lose her."
"I'll help all I can," Shinji replied, he shivered at Rei's
expression, then warmed as Rei smiled at him. He wished he could ask her
why she felt so strongly about this. He felt a little jealous about the
closeness, and even protectiveness Nabiki and even Raccoon elicited in
Rei-chan. He felt a little ashamed of wanting Rei-chan all for himself.
Mainly he wanted to understand. Coward, he chided himself, Why don't you
just ask? Instead of running away!
All such thoughts vanished as Rei rested her head on his shoulder for
a moment. An instant later she was back to `normal`, all her emotions
wrapped up and buried deep. In a way, that made them more his and her's,
theirs. Nobody else believed she even had such passions, he knew she hid
them, from most people, because they frightened her. They frightened
_him_, but he wasn't frightened of _her_.
He went back to feeling guilty, because he was happy, he still had the
people he cared about. Nabiki needed him, needed them. He hoped that
Rei-chan could help Raccoon when the time came, that he could help her help
him.
----------------------------------------
'Saotome-san, I offer my most humble . . . '
Ranma thrust the letter, all three pages of it, back in the envelope.
Under other circumstances, he might assume Raccoon was being sarcastic, or
playing a trick on him. But he didn't think it was the case, not this
time. Mainly because Ranma didn't think his luck was good enough to have
that happen. He _wished_ Raccoon, or Nab-chan, or Rei, were mad at him,
but Raccoon gave a heartfelt and humble apology, even if he delivered it
stiffly. Rei was as polite as ever but adamant about not 'disturbing'
Nab-chan, and the way Nab-chan was acting, he doubted she'd react to
anything he did with anything except some kind of retreat. He actually
wished one or all of them would try to beat him up. It would make him feel
better. He might just let them hit him.
However, that seemed about as likely as one of the EVAs flying. He
was glad Sammi had a radio, finding where Asuka was had been easy. He
never expected to find her at the ruins of the school. He watched her
walking along, drawing in the dirt with a long stick. She didn't normally
look that intense, unless she was fighting an Angel or a math problem. He
expected to get a verbal beating from Asuka at least, he thought it was
rather perverse, that he was actually looking forward to that.
----------------------------------------
Asuka checked the map she was drawing, comparing it to the handful of
maps and sketches she'd gotten this morning at the Navy H.Q. They
simulated things on sand tables there, she wanted one that at least
approximated the entire area in question, to see it all at once.
"Stay on the bench, Horseface," she told the arriving boy, "Don't step
on my circles." The way she felt, she might not have minded sharing
Archimedes's fate for uttering those words. Horseface surprised her when
he didn't ask, 'What circles?', instead he just squatted on the bench,
watching her intently.
"What do you want, Horseface?" she picked her way carefully across the
map of Tokyo she'd spent most of the morning drawing. Once she could see
the whole problem, a lot of things became clear. The cold lump in her guts
tightened up, feelings of despair and frustration warred with intense guilt
at having a hand in this, and being unaffected by it. She hadn't lost
Hikari, or any of her circle of acquaintances, she hadn't paid any price
for her actions right or wrong. It seemed terribly unfair, not that she
would have traded places with Ice Princess.
"Nab-chan and Raccoon . . . " Horseface began, as he bounced
impatiently on his toes.
"Yeah, funny isn't it, they were the only ones who violated orders,"
she hoped he understood she didn't think that was the least bit funny,
"Although I doubt anyone is planning on punishing them." She brushed her
hands off on her slacks, she wasn't going to wear a skirt while marching
around in the dirt.
"You heard?" Horseface seemed a lot more subdued, he sounded more like
Spineless, or Wondergirl.
"My landlord is your bodyguard, so I hear a lot." She carefully
walked across her map. "I heard that Wondergirl sent you to Sakura
Street."
"You think that's funny?" he asked as she arrived at the bench.
"I don't think I'll be laughing about the past few days anytime soon,"
she said neutrally as she surveyed her work. It was all so clear to her
now. She wondered how much any of the others knew, if they'd assembled it
all.
"What are you trying to do?"
"Trying to figure out how our 'insubordination' becomes discussions
about medals." She saw Horseface's confusion. "This is a map of Tokyo."
She pointed at the environs. "The harbor, we're seated at NERV
headquarters, that's the Ara River." She pointed to each feature with the
same long stick she'd been drawing the map with.
"What's that supposed to show?"
"Walk where I walk, I'll show you." Asuka picked her way across the
map. "This is the waterfront, this is where we were ordered to go."
"It was full of - "
"Let me finish!" Asuka insisted.
"Sorry." He hung his head.
Asuka pointed with her stick, lecturing on her findings, "Aviation
fuel, 10,000 _tons_. Bunker fuel, 70,000 tons. Over there is the Navy's
new repair depot and welding shops. Lots oxyacetylene torches," she
explained.
"We're surrounded." Horseface looked around at the spots she pointed
to.
"Correct. And none of it on NERV's maps, a little bit of lost
paperwork here and there. So 'Misa-chan' and the other idiots didn't even
know about any of it. Unless they actually pulled their heads out of a
hole and went and _looked_._ Add a major propane storage over there." She
pointed at a spot a few meter away. "The paint factory." She pointed back
down the route they had taken. "There are four other potential targets,
all of flammables: fuel, ammunition, aircraft." Asuka pointed them out.
"Do you have any idea what would have happened if that thing reached this
point?"
"Boom?"
"Boom!" Asuka agreed, "But you didn't do that. Follow me." Asuka
walked to the representation of the Ara River. "This is where the battle
began. There are no major paint, oil or other stores. Apartment
buildings, food storage, which while flammable, isn't explosive. Two
hospitals, metal stamping plant." Asuka pointed to the buildings
surrounding them. "All in all, not a bad place to intercept."
"As long as it doesn't get behind you," Horseface said despondently,
staring at where the apartment shelters were, where the people had died.
"There's only one place better in the immediate area."
"Oh great."
Asuka started walking through the `harbor`, then suddenly turned and
shouted, "STOP! Don't cross that line if you want to keep your tether, and
before you answer, you lose the tether, you lose your ability to fire those
balls." She watched Horseface consider. "Now this point." She stopped at
a spot beyond the line. "This is where you could have attacked without
worrying what would happen."
"Except I'm on internal batteries, one minute."
"Or 20 seconds of AT field time, or some combination, don't strain
yourself. It's a bad choice. The tethers need to be another kilometer or
two long, or another, closer power hook up." She saw Horseface glancing
around, obviously seeking a solution to the problem. She knew he wouldn't
find one that had evaded her, besides, she needed him thinking along these
lines somewhere else. "Head back to where we fought it on the Ara River."
Horseface turned around, Asuka trailed him. She took up Cthugha's
position with Horseface standing where he had with his EVA Unit 04.
"So we're here, now you know a lot more, you have all the time in the
world to think about it. What do you do?"
Horseface looked at his feet, at the lines indicating the river.
"Shove you under."
"No," Asuka told him, shook her head, "That raises a huge cloud of
steam, it can escape and it will be wise to your tricks when it returns."
Horseface glanced over his shoulder again, where the apartment
buildings, and more importantly, the shelters were. "Hold it here,"
Horseface suggested.
"Do you know why both our sonic glaives failed when we were fighting
the little ones? The power leads finally burned through. The Navy and the
SeaBees are redesigning and upgrading the remaining ones. Do you want to
think about attacking with a fist or a prog knife?"
"No," Horseface said, shaking his head.
"Come on Horseface, what else could you do?" She knew she was
pushing, but she wanted to see if he'd come up with something, come up with
what she had.
"I couldn't blast it with you in so close," Horseface said, "There's
nothing else I could have done! You keep shooting down my answers!" he
shouted at her.
"Not me, the War College, they've been studying this. So far they've
come to the same conclusions you just did." She paused. "What's with the
confetti?" Asuka asked about the paper Horseface had started shredding.
"Huh?" He looked at the nearly disintegrated envelope. "Oh, a formal
apology, from Raccoon." He stared off across the school grounds. "I was
actually hoping he was giving me a challenge letter, a formal duel, pistols
or sabers at dawn, that kind of thing."
Horseface turned to look at her, he looked extremely angry, "But what
was it? I got three pages of neatly written hiragana, top to bottom, then
left to right. Probably half a dozen haikus about apologies and
`intemperance`!"
"And you don't know why?" Asuka asked, she didn't expect him to
understand.
"I know that - that . . . that Hiroko, and Kenta, and Seisuke - got
killed, by _us_!_ By what we failed to do!" She watched the anger and
tears on his face.
"There's a lot more, Horseface." Asuka walked across the drawing,
patting his shoulder in passing. She didn't care about scuffing it now,
since the clouds were promising more rain. It had served its purpose to
clear her mind. "Wondergirl and Spineless fought the Flame Vampires . . .
how did I know that name?! I just - remembered it."
"It happens, bits and pieces of the things get stuck in your head."
Asuka felt like scratching her head until it bled, to erase the images
that had sprung up in there. "How can you stand it?" she asked.
"The dreams are the worst," Ranma admitted sheepishly, scuffing the
ground.
Asuka considered how she'd been spending her time protecting Ice
Princess in dreams lately, and decided she didn't have to worry about her
own nightmares.
"Well, their EVAs fought them here, Wondergirl with that flat AT field
sticking out of her chest, like a giant flyswatter. Spineless driving then
ahead of him with his normal field at the paint factory."
"Yeah," Horseface said, "I was there too, remember?"
"That - is the point. All four of us were here, while we were here,
at five other locations, the cultists attacked. Trying to burn the city
down. Because Spineless and Wondergirl were here and had already worked
out a good plan, if we hadn't raced out and killed the thing so fast. If
they hadn't seen both and lost heart . . . " Asuka left him to consider,
walking to where she had marked the bunker fuel storage berms. "Set this
on fire, the only real way to put it out is cooling with water while you
pump out the non-burning part. I don't even know if that's possible. The
big problem is the water goes to the bottom, the weight of the oil on top
keeps it from flashing, that is explosively changing to steam." She turned
to face Horseface. "Guess what happens when the weight drops below the
minimum."
"Steam pours through the oil, scalding everyone around." Horseface's
expression was screwed up from the effort of actual thought.
"More like it sprays flaming oil all over the place. Square
kilometers! Horseface, everything - for a couple of kilometers.
Understand?" She watched Horseface shudder at that. "The welding shops
and the propane store: hundreds of flammable gas cylinders, lots of
explosive gas under pressure. Aviation fuel, ammunition storage, do I need
to tell you, or can you guess what would have happened?"
"Fine! It was bad! It was terrible!" Horseface shouted at her, "Lots
of people died! What we did was wrong! What's the answer?!"
Asuka felt pity for him, as she watched him wrestle with the truth she
had verified for herself only a few minutes ago, and what it really meant,
while her own words chilled her to the bone, "We didn't do _anything_
wrong. Until they found out the truth, the U.S. Military was calling this
a superbly orchestrated and coordinated action. We did all that could be
expected of us, and more." She paused, searched his shocked expression for
any trace of understanding. "Congratulation Horseface, you are a military
genius. Lots of people still died. Even more who were expected to, did
not."
"There had to be a better way!" Horseface insisted, almost in tears.
"Sorry. This was the best we could do," Asuka told him.
"That - " he sounded a lot like Wondergirl, even looked like her,
"That's not possible. All those people . . . Nab-chan and Hiroko . . . "
"Sorry, Horseface." She did feel sorry for him. He hadn't learned
the casualty figures from each of their previous sorties yet, even her
launch with Raccoon had cost them a sub and its crew, more than a hundred
men. "Nobody's figured out how we did so _well_."
She considered telling him about the other casualty counts Captain
Ramsey and Admiral Simson had provided to her. She wasn't sure if the
deaths horrified her more, or that the `adults` had kept it from the
pilots.
----------------------------------------
Retaliation
Ramsey watched Davis walk into the cavern, not surprising, considering
it was his information that led them here. The rest of the investigation
team was going over the place painstakingly. Ramsey considered telling
Davis to go home and get some sleep, then something in Davis's expression
caught Ramsey's attention. That, and the bucket and toolbox he was
carrying.
"How'd you get past security?" Ramsey asked the young man.
"I didn't kill anyone one." Davis raised his arm to display the NERV
SAR armband, "You'd be amazed at the difference in treatment you get.
While NERV Security may be FUBENS, NERV SAR is more esteemed."
Ramsey didn't like the flat tone of Davis's voice or his expression.
He didn't understand how anyone could be so calm after those events. He
had been working himself and his staff like mad. Just to do something, to
blot the memories out.
That's probably it, Ramsey thought. He realized he _had_ seen people
look and sound that serene and focused before, usually before they did
something that won them the Navy Cross or Medal of Honor, posthumously.
"What's in the bucket?" Ramsey asked, the bucket was full of sawdust, and
two bottles, one brown glass, the other white wax.
"Something to dissolve our friend's invulnerability."
Ramsey was getting worried, he knew what had happened, what Davis and
Tendo had been doing during and after the attack. He didn't know what in
this place would attract his attention. Nor did he know how Davis had
discovered that Marine and Army snipers had shot the man trying to get back
to this base. Four confirmed shots, including two to the head hadn't
stopped the man, although gunfire had killed all his companions/followers.
Davis walked inexorably to a wall no different than the others in the
cavern. He set down his burden and opened the tool box to remove a pry
bar. He attacked the wall, prying loose a hidden panel.
"How did you know?" Ramsey asked. He helped the boy removed the
roughly square foot piece of wall, disguised to look like any other part of
the sandstone wall.
They had uncovered a small niche containing a jar with a lid carved
like an animal's head. "Canopic jar," Davis said, he touched the jar.
The small animal head began shouting words that made Ramsey cower and
cover his ears. Davis shoved a glass-lined metal funnel into the
creature's mouth, silencing it instantly.
"Aqua Regia and Hydrofluoric acid," Davis pulled on a pair of heavy
gloves. "Only platinum would stand up to the combination." Then he
uncapped both bottles and began pouring them into the funnel, stopping when
he had filled the canopic jar. He removed the funnel and waited.
"So you're going to dissolve - " Ramsey was interrupted by the jar
screaming as it dissolved. "Good GOD!" Ramsey backed away in terror from
the writhing screaming container as parts of it ran like wax. Ramsey
spared a glance at Davis who was carefully and nonchalantly putting the
recapped bottles back in the sawdust-filled bucket with the funnel.
"He will be considerably more vulnerable now," Davis told him, "I
suspect some of the others will be similarly protected."
Ramsey didn't need to be reminded who the 'others' were. SEELE was no
longer a bogeyman whispered about like 'The Deathless Chinese' or 'Count
Falkamiren and his Court' as sorcerers and cultist puppetmasters, the
leaders of a worldwide conspiracy. Recent events had proven they were
real, a direct threat to the pilots and therefore to the world. Ramsey
didn't know why the massive British and American armies occupying Germany
didn't just roll south and put paid to SEELE's Zurich and Geneva
strongholds, once and for all.
Actually he did, friends in high places, as either allies or possibly
even members. Still, one had died, added to the other one murdered in
front of Ikari, Ramsey effectively had proof that SEELE had enemies of
their own, powerful enemies not fettered by leaders or politics.
Ramsey saw the stunned looks on the other workers' faces as the
screams of the bottle faded, as the bottle and its contents dissolved and
ran onto the floor, still dissolving the sandstone. "Will that burn its
way all the way to the center of the Earth?"
"No." Davis put the gloves in the bucket and closed up the toolbox.
"It will be diluted and lose strength. This doesn't make any sense. Their
most effective attack to date, and it appears that it was entirely
sacrificial."
You wouldn't think it was useless if you looked at yourself in a
mirror, Ramsey thought, gauging the haggardness of the boy, and considering
what Langley had told them, how it hurt the other kids. "Why don't you
wait outside, get some sleep in my command car?"
When Davis glanced over at him and simply nodded, Ramsey considered
that even a sacrificial attack had succeeded, if the enemy could follow up
fast enough. I just hope they don't, he thought. He signaled one of the
Marines to keep an eye on the boy.
One of the senior chiefs on Ramsey's staff walked up to him once Davis
had left the area. "Sir, there are some things that really scare me."
"I know, Chief." Ramsey looked at the narrow pit burnt in the floor.
"Screaming bottles to give immortality."
"No, sir," the Chief corrected, "A kid that age, completely unaffected
by all that's happened around here. That's what scares _me_, sir."
Ramsey nodded his agreement, considered there hadn't been no effect,
just that the effect hadn't fully manifested, yet.
----------------------------------------
Shinji sat in the darkness, one point of a tetrahedron centered on a
luminous pearl. Rei-chan, Raccoon, and Asuka made up the other points. He
knew enough to know what they guarded was a dreamscape. He could easily
guess who's.
He felt useless, despite flat statements from all three of the others
that he was not. He smiled at that, 'It is useful', 'I assure you, Mr.
Ikari, you are helping', 'Spineless! I wouldn't waste time and effort
dragging you along - do you think I'm stupid?'
He heard the hiss, the sizzle, and the clink, of unseen things moving
in the darkness. When they got too close, a word from Rei or Raccoon, or a
gesture from Raccoon or Asuka would drive them away. For a time. He
merely sat there, watching, not speaking, not moving. Focusing on the
darkness, denying it a chance to get at their prize.
He knew that apparent sizes were meaningless in dreams. The
bowling-ball sized object could never contain whatever images ran through
Nabiki's mind. Nor could a similarly-sized object hold the train, the
villages or the mountains and forests of his imaginings. He remembered the
invasion of his dream space, by his own fears, the assault to rescue Hiroko
from hers. This felt more like the latter than the former.
He glanced over his shoulders at the others, each sat as he did, but
their orientation was crazy, as if ignoring gravity or logic. Rei's head
pointed at him, Raccoon's head pointed directly away, Asuka sat as he did,
but 'upside-down' from his perspective. He could almost see lines of force
from one to another sketching out the bonds between and among the pilots
who guarded.
Staying with Nabiki through the day, at least he could do something
for her, even if it was only nod, agree, listen and bring tea. Nabiki
admitted things he thought he'd never want to repeat to anyone, despite
Misato's teasing about 'spending summer break with your harem'.
Her response of 'I don't need that,' and her maudlin silence, even
into the evening made him suspected his joke might be more necessary than
he guessed. He wondered what of that he should share with the others.
He'd always wanted people to like him, to stop hurting him. Now he
was seeing how little that meant in the face of Nabiki's real pain. If it
wasn't for `Robot` Rei-chan's steadiness, I'd have run away, he considered
how ridiculous it was, that just sitting there like a lump actually helped.
Nabiki said it did. The grand gestures he couldn't do, were useless, the
simple, boring daily support that came easily, worked better. No matter
how difficult it was for him.
I can't run away, he joked to himself, glanced at the others, wondered
about their thoughts through all of this.
----------------------------------------
June 21, 1947
>From the Journal of Ayanami Rei
The funeral was today, Saturday, all the pilots were in attendance.
The speed of the burials was considered necessary, the sheer numbers and
swift putrefaction required this. The locus of the new burial site was the
hill where the shelters once stood. Only one of the five was still usable,
the others were wrecked beyond any chance of repair. The number of those
who could never be identified, entire families destroyed, also affected the
selection of the site. People would know their relative lived in the
apartment and could come to this place.
The idea that a place was necessary to `visit` the dead seems
ridiculous to me, but it is becoming clear that all the ceremonies and
customs surrounding the dead, their burial and mourning, and the
memorialization of the dead, are entirely about the living. How does a
person who lived through the situation react to the new situation? How do
they continue in the new life they have? I remember my reaction to the
death of Ikari Yui, and my reaction to the actions of those around me.
I hope that my current actions have been more useful and acceptable
than my actions were then. I also believe that Akagi Ritsuko did not make
the mistakes, my judgment of her actions, that she made previously.
----------------------------------------
Rei glanced around at the crowd on the hill around her. The pilots
were all present of course, along with the orphans from the orphanage, a
few of the students from school. Most of the surviving students planned to
attend the service for the masses lost beneath their feet. All the pilots
pitched in to purchase the plot and grave marker. The other students who
attended purchased flowers, food offerings, and other trappings.
Everyone wore somber clothes. Rei noted that most of the assemblage
wore white, or light colors. The Second and Raccoon wore darker colors,
and there were dress uniforms of the military. The day was cloudy, gloomy.
That is somehow appropriate, a gray sky, although they forecast no rain.
All colors, all equally somber, Rei thought,All indicated mourning and
respect.
Rei had seen military funerals, but this did not appear to be one.
The uniforms were 'friends and family' rather than an honor guard. The
Commander could not attend, nor did Commander Fuyutsuki. Dr. Akagi had
made attendance mandatory for the technical Branch. Search and Rescue was
there in force, of course. Rei guessed they were there for their members,
rather than any other reason.
The large portrait of Hiroko that Nabiki-kun held was a painting of
one of the pictures of Hiroko taken by Nabiki. She didn't seem to react to
the reminder. Rei noted that the Americans and the Second seemed uneasy
about the picture, while Raccoon and the Second's suggestion of an open
casket viewing had horrified the Japanese. Rei couldn't see the
difference, both were ways of reminding everyone of the appearance of the
deceased. There were other baffling arguments. Rei had been glad
Nabiki-kun had been willing to argue passionately and loudly with Roku-kun
about such things. The differing burial customs, despite a similar
religious background confused Rei. Would Nabiki-kun know better because of
the cultural similarities, or would Roku-kun's familiarity with Hiroko's
religion give him the insight? Shinji had visited the orphanage on several
occasions, to get answers from the monks there, who were also Japanese, and
Catholic. It all seemed meaningless to Rei, the body was dead, it was
little more than fertilizer. But no one treated it that way.
A military chaplain handled the service. He was Catholic, Captain
Ramsey had seen to that. The priest seemed to be uncertain about the
mourners, since there was no family. Evidently the `incident` also killed
the priest of Hiroko-san's church. The Chaplin spoke of various themes on
the loss of loved ones, resurrection of the body, eternal life. All of
them Rei found confusing if not outright hypocritical.
How many of `me` would be affected, or would it be an agglomeration of
`me's`? she wondered, If I would not simply fade away.
None of what the man said inspired any reaction. Rei believed that
any of them, including herself, could have spoken more eloquently and on
more important matters, or at least matters that touched the people around
them.
Rei waited through the speech the man gave, without glancing left and
right at the shuffling feet and muffled coughs of the attendees. The
people she could see were bored. She suspected that the sheer numbers of
people who had died had tired the man out. She wished they had asked the
priest from the orphanage. Instead, he seemed professionally offended by
the delivery. It was a difficult experience for Rei, full of questions
that went unanswered. What followed was equally unsettling, actions that
made little if any sense. Music, singing along with tears and sobs. She
joined in on the first two, did what she could for the other two.
Nabiki-kun tried to be `strong`, but broke down twice during the
singing of one song. Shinji-kun practically had to kick the Fourth in the
shin to get him to walk over and take the picture Nabiki-kun carried, just
to let her cry. To their credit, no one objected to Nabiki-kun's `show of
weakness`.
How is acknowledging your loss weak, and ignoring another person's
value to you strong? Rei wondered as Shinji-kun and Roku-kun offered
comfort, the Fourth looked offended and embarrassed by turns. The Second
moved to his side, told him something quietly and moved away, leaving him
silently nodding and stoic.
Towards the end of the ceremony, everyone was encouraged to come to
the podium and say something. Nabiki-kun was clearly not ready to speak,
and neither Shinji-kun, nor Roku-kun wanted to leave her side. Others
looked at each other.
Ironically, Rei found she had the words, she spoke first.
"I am not sure if Hiroko-san and I were friends," Rei said to those
around her, "I am pleased we both could act as if we were, and the time we
had together." Rei found she had nothing else to say to the crowd, she
stepped down. But this allowed others to speak, some went for much longer
than Rei, Rei doubted they said as much as she. But they must speak the
words for themselves, Rei remembered her own experience, Not for others.
Or for the dead.
Nabiki-kun spoke of her friend eloquently, of her kindness, of her
dreams, of her courage. Nabiki-kun spoke first of her as her factor, then
her guide and finally her friend, the first person at the school to reach
out to her. She broke down several times. No one hurried her, Roku-kun
speaks of her courage and patience in dealing with the pilots and their
schemes, that gets some nervous laughter. Then told an embarrassing story
about the 'kilt', which made everyone laugh.
The students spoke of their memories of Hiroko, it was not mandatory,
but when all the pilots spoke it made it fitting.
Rei wondered if anyone else realized at this point, that the ceremony
was in an odd way, a call to action to complete part of the lost dream and
a chance to release some of the emotional burden.
----------------------------------------
A strange juxtaposition of solemnity, to a party afterwards, Rei
thought. Even more unusual, it was held at the school grounds. Now that
they were declared safe for use. The pilots had vetoed Captain Katsuragi's
designs for a party, too much useless noise. Shinji-kun and Roku-kun had
arranged this: food and talk, some soft music in the background.
Rei watched as people gathered in small knots, then disperse to form
with others. Rei understood the necessity of this activity, they sought
out those who might understand what they had to say, who shared a certain
memory, would appreciate a certain anecdote, or who would simply listen.
Shinji-kun asked me to accompany him, Rei thought as she trailed him
from group to group, I suspect both Nabiki-kun and Roku-kun would want me
here. She glanced worriedly at the pair. Nabiki-kun sitting at a table
with some of her organization, Roku-kun rushing around making sure everyone
had something to eat or drink, unable to sit still.
----------------------------------------
>From the Journal of Ayanami Rei
As the party continued, I took Nabiki-kun aside, out of sight of the
others, giving her what else I had taken from Hiroko's apartment: her
diary.
I had intended days ago to tell her that they should be hers to keep
or dispose of, but her reaction to the photo album convinced me to wait.
The hug frightened me. Both its suddenness and its strength.
'Thank you, Rei,' was my first clue that she was not strangling me.
'I could think of nothing else,' I admitted to her, with my hands
full, so I couldn't properly reciprocate her gesture. I believe she
understands. She took the book after she released me. She and I sat and
went through the pictures again, and the diary. This time we concentrated
on the photos of her family, and fewer of her activities with the pilots.
I had replaced the large picture of Nabiki in her plugsuit in the album, it
caused her to blush and giggle when she found it.
'She loved you.' I do not understand why I told her this again,
perhaps I too had things to say that made no sense, except to a select few.
Nabiki burst into tears, but did not flee. I still think I did the
right thing. Her tears reduced to sniffles, then she confessed, 'I'm an
idiot.'
I said nothing, I do not believe she had time or opportunity to
analyze her factor's feelings, or to understand them.
I saw, because I was looking. I do not know why she was not. I think
it important to find out.
----------------------------------------
Recompense
Ranma could hardly stand it, as he walked around the periphery of the
`wake`. He kept glancing at Nab-chan and Roku-kun. It would have been
better if they got angry, or hit him. That he could deal with. But
instead they were painfully polite, they weren't even giving him the cold
shoulder, they didn't speak to _anyone_, except Rei and Shinji, if they
didn't have to, and when they did, it was with the same quiet, polite tone
of voice they used on him.
For the last few days, if he challenged Nab-chan in any way, she'd
draw into herself, acting like a cross of the worst parts of Rei and
Shinji. She'd offer quiet apologies for whatever _she_ had done to offend
_him_._ Then she'd return to her room. She didn't practice with him, made
no comments that made him uncomfortable, no double entendres or lascivious
comments or groping. He wouldn't have believed not expecting a verbal or
physical ambush at any minute would be something that he not only missed,
but it actually hurt, that she wasn't `attacking` him anymore. Shinji and
Rei walked around him as if he were a foul-smelling landmine, they avoided
him, and acted as if he'd explode at any moment.
That Raccoon did the same was almost worse, he'd always know his
manner irritated the other boy. So Raccoon tolerated Ranma, now he simply
took whatever comments Ranma made, even a few insults, without reacting in
any way. No corrections, no irritated riposte, nothing. As if whatever
Ranma did didn't matter to him anymore.
Ranma didn't know what to do, there was no attack to be countered,
there was no enemy to stand up and fight. Worse, everyone was telling him
it wasn't his fault, that he'd done nothing wrong. He'd killed Hiroko, and
if Nab-chan bursting into tears a dozen times a minute with Rei, and
Raccoon looking like he was going to drive his head through the first brick
wall that didn't get out his way, were any indication, he'd effectively
killed them too, and there was nothing that was his fault. 'It was bound
to happen', 'There was nothing you could do', 'The only thing anyone did
wrong was Tendo and Davis shouldn't have been anywhere near that place,'
All the words were useless, Ranma thought with despair. He wished school
were back in session, he needed to talk to someone about this, someone who
might know how to deal with this actively. He almost wished he _could_
cry, like Nab-chan, But guys don't cry. Raccoon hadn't cried, Shinji
hadn't cried.
Ranma had talked to both Admiral Simson and Captain Ramsey, over the
last couple of days, both told him to let the healing proceed at it's own
place. They said that grief came in stages and there was as many different
ways of grieving as there were people. They'd tried to send him to Dr.
Samuels, the last thing he needed was a psychiatrist to just talk about it.
He needed to solve it. They also confirmed all of what Asuka had told him,
and more she had kept from him. The shock had been deep. After it faded,
he didn't feel angry, he just couldn't find the energy to _get_ angry. Not
at them, not as Asuka, not at Gendo, not at Misa . . . _Captain_ Katsuragi,
who'd kept all this a secret.
Ironically, he finally understood why Nab-chan had lied to him about
knowing his past. The pain he was feeling about being . . . Heck, I might
as well say it, unloved, he thought, They just don't care. About me, about
themselves, or doing anything that matters. The descriptions from Raccoon
and Asuka, partially confirmed by Nab-chan and his own expectations, told
him the same, the battles `back home` never solved anything, and they
dominated everything. They fought to win, because they wanted the bragging
rights, he thought sadly, Not to capitalize on the victory or bring peace,
he actually felt sorry for those others.
Still, the insight didn't help the current problem. Without an enemy
to fight, he couldn't win. He'd taken a little solace that Asuka's tongue
was as sharp as ever. He'd insulted her and got a response so fast it
nearly took his head off, but it wasn't the kind of response that led to
verbal sparring. She'd told him not to repeat that in front of 'Ice
Princess', or she'd never speak to him again.
He'd also followed Rei following Raccoon on one of his early morning
forays. While it was obvious Rei was watching over Raccoon, Ranma still
hadn't figured out what Raccoon was looking for, or who. Ranma felt a
little sorry for who or what it was. He doubted it would be happy when
Raccoon found it, he wouldn't have bet it would _survive_ Raccoon finding
it. But it remained invisible, to Raccoon and to him. That just made him
feel more useless.
----------------------------------------
Nabiki had made her decision. It was far easier than she'd thought it
would be. She guiltily added that lying to Ritsuko about what she was
going to do was also very easy. A long soak in the furo after a long day,
that's what she'd told Ritsuko. Technically, she prevaricated, It is the
truth, it's just not the whole truth.
All week she'd been having these feelings, not just anger, but rage,
at Hiroko . . . and at Ranma . . . and at her mother, for renouncing life
and forsaking her. As if they had _any_ choice in the matter. She hadn't
been able to get them out of her head, and she could not talk to Rei,
Shinji, or Raccoon about them. Such thoughts were too shameful, and too
perverse. She had even raged at the woman who died after thrusting her
child at Nabiki, only to have the child die in her hands.
Why did she give _ME_ that responsibility?! Nabiki raged as she
stepped into the water, I didn't want it, it wasn't my kid! It wasn't my
job! She felt the tears coming again, this time she savagely squelched
them, she needed clear eyes for this. She'd been crying like a baby for
the past few days, she wanted a little dignity now. She was blubbering and
carrying on worse than her father and Akane put together. Further proof,
as if she needed any, that she had made the correct decision.
She unwrapped the small package of razor blades, "As if this world
needs a Soun or Akane Tendo."
She'd been cut before, in various scuffles, getting cut again didn't
worry her. With the bath filled with hot water, she'd bleed easily, and it
would make cleanup remarkably easy. Yes, she'd thought about this and
planned it carefully. She'd even left instructions how her remains were to
be treated. She'd been so angry with Hiroko, she'd almost let Raccoon do
the stupid things he'd suggested. But that wouldn't have been right, she
thought as she sat in the hot water, felt the flush as the blood rose to
the surface, As if it knows what it has to do. Even it wants to leave me,
she thought that was amusing somehow.
She thought about Ranma for a moment, and how awful she'd been to him.
The rest of the fiancee brigade would have killed to have Ranma alone and
all to themselves. But her anger at him killing himself without telling
her, without leaving a note, without explaining himself, nothing, poisoned
everything she tried to do. As well as her terror that his string of
victories still convinced him he was invulnerable and unconquerable, and
that certainty would kill him. She could not live through that, not again.
I don't plan to, she thought, I left my apologies where they can be easily
found. I won't make the same mistake. He was innocent, he didn't deserve
to die.
"For how I treated him - " She clamped her mouth shut, she knew she
deserved what she was about to do, she had to make amends for what she had
done, but she must not give them a chance to intervene. Even the smallest
suspicion they could have done anything to stop her had to be eliminated.
I wonder if Ranma would think I was regaining my honor, Nabiki
wondered, As if I ever had any to begin with. None of my family does, nor
does the school. We're all a sad joke, Kasumi trying to be mommy, except
never disciplining us; Akane with her 'I'm a martial artist too', never
seeing the duties and responsibilities of a martial artist; and me, I must
be mother's worst disappointment, hating her all those years for abandoning
us. As if she wanted to. Dishonoring her, dishonoring her memory that
way, an undutiful daughter, who just loves money, and walks around hating
and despising the people around her who are looking at `silly things` like
love and honor.
Yes, the decision was far easier than she'd thought it would be.
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