and the next:
Book One: The Mandarin
Chapter Eight: Black Rose and Thorns
Dawn broke over Tokyo like a cresting wave, illuminating the darkness in a
rush. Small eddies of light swirled into dark alleys and over the tops of
buildings as the sun rose, waking the city to life.
Different thought here. I'd break it up in another paragraph.
Time passed as it was wont to do and a passing week
two 'passes' redundent. Cut one.
the Hibiki boy or if she was just flattered at the attention and flowers,
and chocolate, and flowers, and teas, and flowers and by the way, had he
mentioned flowers? Where Ryouga had managed to find some of the wild
bouquets Ranma would rather not contemplate. He'd nearly lost a finger to
that one tigerlily with a real tiger's head in it's
its
"Please Akane! There's nothing else we can do!" Desperation colored their
voices. "You see, this next match is Rhythmic Gymnastic Wrestling!"
I finally figured out what's wrong with this whole chapter up to now. It's
too much direct from the manga/anime. It's also been retold a dozen times.
It would have been best if you had cut to this scene, since nothing really
different happened until now. Just have Ranma related what happened to
Akane.
"Akane has to fight a rhythmic gymnastics match. She's 'practicing'."
praticing,"
you make that mistake a lot. I recommend looking over all of your dialogue
for it.
Akane's eyes narrowed. "What's in it for you."
you?
Ranma smacked him on the back of the head. "He just wants to score points
with Kasumi and Zhu Shu!"
Ryouga growled. "Why you-" His hands came up in claws as he launched
himself at Ranma.
"Will you two stop acting like children!!"
drop extra '!'
And it's still following the original too closely.
* * * * *
Outside in the darkness, a cloaked figure listened to the sounds from
inside
the Dojo and thought "So, they've sought help. These Furinkan high
gymnasts
are bad losers."
The cloak dropped away to reveal Kodachi in a black leotard, holding a
large
mallet. "Akane Tendo ..." she said around the rose in her mouth, "Kodachi,
The Black Rose, will cripple you!"
She vanished into the darkness above the walls.
and here, cut it.
Ranma untangled Akane and watched as she stormed off, then turned to Zhu
Shu. "You make it look easy. Why don't you fight the match?"
Zhu Shu gave him the evil eye. "First. Zhu Shu not asked.
That doesn't stop anyone from around here
Two. Is Chinese
exchange student.
That didn't either.
Three. Is sempai. Match between lower classes."
Or that.
She
looked
back to the ceiling and sighed. "Or Zhu Shu would. How Akane have such
good
combat skill and be so clumsy? Usagi be more coordinated, Zhu Shu thinks."
She put her hands palm up across her eyes. "Must think. Ranma shoo now."
Ranma: I married you?
Zhu Shu: Not that kind of Shu. Now shoo.
Now Akane was mad. "You call this..." she cried, "in all fairness?!" She
launched a kick at Kodachi, but the girl dodged and came up standing by
the
door. "It's you, isn't it!"
it?
"Rose petals?" Akane asked in puzzlement, but as the petals cleared, only
the fall of a single black rose answered her. Kodachi was gone
And here
..
to
notice that it was a baby pig before a vengeful spirit rose before her and
cried something she couldn't make out in her surprise. Then the brass
kettle
in it's
its
As silence descended over the Dojo once more, a black figure detached
itself
from the shadows it had concealed itself in as Kodachi moved past, and
watched its quarry help Ranma down into the house. For just a second, red
eyes gleamed in the darkness of it's
its
Beserk rage kindled in Akane's eyes. "Oh?! Then why don't you go right to
him!!!"
one exclamation point will suffice.
Kodachi laughed at her brothers
brother's
course of action. She had to teach Akane the art of the ribbon, and no
matter how she ransacked her knowledge of techniques and herbs, she came
back to only one solution, and a potentially dangerous one at that. The
only
way she could do it in time was by using the same method she had leared
learned
explained and the benefits shown him. Saotome merely needed to have the
threats told to him. He was never adverse to saving his own skin.
few are
"No child. You are no more cursed to be what you are than any woman.
Surely
you can not
cannot
"Dummy!" Rei was furious. "How blind can you be!"
be?
"Your Mistress herself could not break that seal, demon. Why not desist
and
tell me why you have invaded my domain."
domain
"I am ... restrained in direct action. A goddess watches directly over
this
mortal, and I am not yet ready to challenge her directly. I wish to make
her... suffer first. She is watching me, but will not be on guard for the
actions of another mortal."
The wizard gave her a contemptious smile. "Ah ... and what grudge do you
suspect Skorpion holds against this mortal."
mortal?
"Ranma ... Saotome?" He sat down and shook his head. "Shan Pu, he's
engaged
to Akane Tendo. How in all
extra space
"ME! You're the one sitting there telling me you're gonna teach me to be a
geisha!"
"Well ... it's better to teach you than to let you learn from mistakes ...
actually learning from mistakes usually is the most effective way. :p
Akane rubbed her temples. "Zhu-chan ... when were you going to tell me
about
her?" a undercurrent of anger tinted her voice.
"Zhu-chan?" Kasumi's voice held more of a plea for a reason to understand.
Zhu Shu sat and folded her legs under her. "Akane-sama, Kasumi-sama, I
must
beg your forgiveness, but I could not tell you."
"Why!" Akane glared. "I trusted you! Why didn't you tell me!"
me?
"And Ranma was stupid enough to get us in this position."
Ranma: Hey. I was hungry.
Eh, some things done, but this thing could have been trimmed down by getting
rid of stuff that's been seen a million times before.
DB Sommer
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