[FFML] Re: [R.5][SM]Ranko's Makeover

said, giving in. "But nothing permanent, just a wash, and maybe a
trim," Ranma added, her face stern.


What exactly is Ranma expecting from a beauty salon that's more
permanent than a hair cut? Plastic surgery?

[Ear piercing, body waxing hair perms that sorta thing.

In addition to being the owner, Kikuko Ayanami was the head stylist.
Today she had cleared a spot in her schedule to do a personal favor
for one of her longtime clients. The woman looked up from her desk
when she heard the door open. There was Nodoka and with her was
another girl.  The stylist in her appraised the young woman.  She
had potential, great potential, unfortunately she looked to be quite
the tomboy. However, Kikuko had a plan.


Interesting prejudices there. Tomboy styles are still styles.

[yeah she's a bit loopy

I'd suggest 'elevator music' as a better sign of music than white
noise, which might not be very soothing at all.

[okay.


Kikuko nodded she had expected as much, fortunately she had a secret
weapon.


Kikuko nodded; she had expected as much. Fortunately 

Yep, real good stylist. It's not what the customer wants, it's all
about the stylist, bay-bee. 

[^_^

The stylist found that it was most effective at rounding off the
edges of tomboys.  Much like the flower that it is used in it, the
shampoo only lasts for a limited time.  To maintain it's
effectiveness the shampoo must be used daily, otherwise it will wear
off.


Tense problems. 

[yeah got them

This should be exactly what this redhead needed. Kikuko then
proceeded to wet the redhead's hair. She then took one of the
bottles and poured some into her hand and started massaging it into
the girl's hair.


There's that 'Noun then' again, but in very close proximity.

[omitted the then

As Kikuko got to work she found that even with the help of the
shampoo this girl would be a tough nut to crack.  Surprisingly, the
poor redhead did not even have a female self image.  This is the
first thing Kikuko must remedy, if she hoped to make Ranko into the
young woman that Nodoka wanted her to be.


How did she know that? From conversation?
[yup.

Ranko smiled and twirled around showing her aunt the back of her
dress and the spill of her hair.  The girl then walked over to
Nodoka, embraced her and kissed her on the cheek.  "Thank you so
much.  You were right. I had no idea what I was missing," Ranko
gushed.

So this suggests Ranma didn't lose all of her memory...

[more of a selective denial.

The biggest issue I had with this story was the initial premise, the
stylist doping Ranma with the shampoo. Pluto indicates to herself that
the only thing she did was provide Kikuko with the shampoo; otherwise
she didn't interfere. Kikuko's internal monologue suggests that she is
familiar with the shampoo's effects, from experience. The shampoo
seems to be what's responsible for Ranma losing his memory.

This is painting Kikuko to be a fairly manipulative and unethical
stylist. She basically has the ability to cause anybody who comes into
her salon to purchase much more than the person likely intended... she
almost literally brainwashes them. But her characterization is shown
as much lighter. Perhaps that was intended; or I missed something; but
it felt as I was reading it that the shampoo was doing much more than
it should have. It's also not really clear why Ranma would go to such
trouble to use the water-proof soap when she's changed all of her
other toiletries.

[Kikuko doesn't see herself as unethical or twisted. She believes that by forcing girls into a more feminine mindset she is making them happier. In her mind she's helping them.
[Granted this actually very far from the truth.

I recognized the Loki and Murdock characters from your other
stories. They were okay, although were I not familiar with them (in
particular, Murdock) I think I'd be a little frustrated by their
treatment.
[Loki? I've never used him before.

I did like the ending; it suggests that the next chapter will have
more of the emotional tension rather than simply descriptions of
ultra-feminine Ranko and manipulations by Great Powers (exaggerating
somewhat :-), but, as others have pointed out, not much overt conflict
or tension happened in this chapter).
[yup. That's the plan for ch2. When Ranko and Ranma realize that they aren't alone in their heads.

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