*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FOUR)
EPISODE 40: RANMA THE ASSASIN
(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Ranma the Assasin" is the property of NiChOlAs and he's welcome to
it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this
but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of
this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
Warning: This fic is rated PG-13 for language and violence.
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer
printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
A yawn escaped the lips of Joel Robinson as he emerged from his
room, stretching. He paused as the sounds of quiet sobbing echoed
softly from the direction of the bridge. Concerned, Joel quickly made
his way there and was shocked to see Crow at the counter, his head
buried in his arms, crying.
"Crow, what's wrong?" Joel exclaimed as he hurried over to his
friend and creation.
Crow looked up at him, sniffling. "Oh, Joel... I've made a terrible
mistake...."
"Oh, come on, it can't be that bad, can it?" Joel inquired gently.
"Joel... I'm pregnant." Crow replied flatly.
"See, that isn't so ba... WHAT?!?" Joel exclaimed, his eyes wide.
"And Gypsy... is the father." Crow continued miserably.
"B-But, how can that...." Joel struggled to comprehend what he had
just heard when something else caught his attention over Crow's shoulder.
A small bed had been set up near the counter with Tom Servo and
Cambot both sleeping peacefully next to each other. Then Tom abruptly
stirred.
"Oh, my head... what was in that stuff...?" Tom moaned as he turned
to face Cambot and his jaw dropped.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Tom screamed in horror as he fled from
the bed and hovered around in panicked circles. "Ohmigod, ohmigod,
ohmigod, I slept with Cambot!! What was I thinking!? What was I on!?"
Meanwhile Cambot had awakened and was also freaking out, but for
an entirely different reason which became clear as a loud and VERY
angry Magic Voice made herself heard throughout the satellite.
"YOU CREEP!!!" Magic Voice shrieked as Cambot quickly dove
under the bed for safety. "OUR ENGAGEMENT IS OFF!!! I... I
NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!" Magic Voice's anger
quickly turned to tears and her cries faded off into the distance as if she
were running away. Joel was about to say something when he felt
something bounce off his back. Looking down, he spotted a rubber
tipped dart.
"Oh no, Joel's been shot! But... WHO DONE IT?" Crow exclaimed
as dramatic music swelled for a few seconds before abruptly ceasing.
"Hey, wait a minute...." Joel frowned.
"I can't keep living like this, jumping from bed to bed! I need to take
some responsibility for my life!" Tom interrupted as he hovered over to
Crow. "Marry me, Crow. I can't offer much but I promise to give it all
I got for you... and your baby."
"Oh, Tom, I love you... but we're going to graduate soon... and then
we'll never see each other again!" Crow sobbed.
"Well guys... I guess this is good-bye." Magic Voice abruptly chimed
in again. "It's been a lot of fun but I need to strike out on my own and
make my mark on the world. There's fortunes to discover and good
shoes to try on. I'll... I'll never forget any of you. Good-bye."
"Have a good life." Tom replied solemnly as Joel felt something
bounce off his neck this time.
"Oh no, Joel's been shot again! But... WHO DONE IT?" Crow
exclaimed as the dramatic music swelled again.
"Uh, guys?" Joel tried to interrupt again only to be drowned out by
Tom screaming. "AHHHHHHHH!! I've gone blind! BLIIIIIND!!"
"It's okay, Crow! I'm here!" Crow exclaimed as he held Tom close.
"S-So dark... can't... breathe...." Tom sobbed.
"You can still have a life without sight, Tommy... if you believe in
yourself!" Crow exclaimed.
"Wait a minute... I... I can see light... I can see... I CAN SEE!!!"
Tom exclaimed joyfully. "It's a miracle!"
"No, Tommy. It's Christmas." Crow replied warmly as 'Deck the
Halls' played throughout the ship.
"Will someone please tell me what's going...." Joel growled in
frustration as the button for the Hexfield Viewscreen began flashing.
"Just a second...." he muttered before giving the button a slap.
The Hexfield slowly opened to reveal Gypsy, her head painted white
and her eye replaced with a giant laser pointer. Joel quickly averted his
eyes as the beam stabbed at him while Gypsy began to speak in a dull
monotone.
"I AM GYPCUTUS OF BORG... YOUR LIFE AS IT HAS
BEEN... IS OVER. FROM THIS TIME FORWARD... YOU WILL
SERVICE... ME."
Joel was about to reply when he was pushed aside by Crow, now clad
in his Star Trek uniform as he calmly intoned. "Mr. Servo... FIRE."
"Just a minute, sir. I just got a message." Tom announcing, his voice
on the verge of breaking. "Magic Voice... was ambushed while traveling
to the moon... her shuttle... was shot down... over the Sea of
Tranquillity... it spun in... t-there were no survivors...."
The bridge went dead quiet as Cambot slowly panned the room as each
crew member expressed their shock and grief over the news... except for
Joel who was still in a state of absolute confusion as the red light began
flashing on the console and he numbly gave it a press.
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Clayton Forrester smirked at the trio as he faced the viewscreen.
"Cute, boobies. Real cute. Joel may not be on to your little game but I
am and, suffice it to say, I've already come up with the perfect counter!
Frank, if you'll do the honors?"
TV's Frank nodded and slowly unbuttoned his jacket. Then he peeled
back one side, revealing his left nipple.
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" The bots cried out in agony while Joel quickly
averted his eyes.
Frank then teased closing his jacket several times, a sly grin washing
over his face. "Yeah, you want to see me clothed, don't you? Yeah,
cause you're a GOOD boy and you have self-respect and uh... stuff."
Frank attempted to purr seductively.
"That's it, Frankie... make them lose it... make them... uh...." Dr.
Forrester abruptly cleared his throat. "Um, yes, well, anyway,
Joel, your experiment this week is the fanfic equivalent of trimming
weeds with your teeth. I'd call it the 'La Femme Nikita' of Ranma 1/2
fanfics but then I'd be sued for slander. Probably more like the 'Gigli'
of Ranma 1/2 fanfics actually. Either way, prepare yourself for PAIN
OVERWHELMING with 'Ranma the Assasin'! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Send 'em the fanfic, Frank...."
"Yes, my Saiyan." Frank replied as he fed the fanfic into the
machine....
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Joel and the bots were still shuddering over the sight of Frank's nipple
when alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.
"OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)
(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
This is my first fanfic _ all characters are property of Rumiko Takashi,
Viz, etc _ I just do this for fun . I hope you enjoy it as much as I
enjoyed writing it!
Joel: Well, it was a nice disclaimer and all, but I just didn't enjoy it as
much as the author wanted me to....
Crow: I thought it had no texture.
Tom: And my soul is definitely lacking....
C&C are welcome -- but send them directly to me, please.
Crow: Anybody got a brick?
Tom: We'll get Professor X and Jean Grey on it immediately, sir.
Joel: <whiny> Aww, but I wanted to send the C&C directly to
Penthouse Forum!
(Flames are okay - but no infernos please!)
Tom: <author> I accept all major campfires but not American
Express. Visa. It's everywhere you'd like to burn.
ranma the assasin
Tom: An epic poem by archy the cockroach.
Joel: OK, who put out a contract on the spellchecker?
Crow: Wait, don't tell us, he has a license to kil?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tom: <Albert Brooks> NEMO! Has anybody seen my son, Nemo!?
Joel: And here we have Ranma smoking hashish in preparation for
this role...
"Get away from me!"ranma shouted as shampoo chased after him
persuading him to eat her ramen."ranma! eat shampoo ramen"shampoo
said cheerfully.
Joel: Ranma Saotome (Martialus Aquasexualus Artistus)
Tom: Shampoo (Amazonius Felinus Pursuitus)
Crow: <Ranma> Meep meep!
Just then akane stepped into the room.RANMA BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she
shouted as she saw shampoo hugging ranma around his waist.
Crow: Then she saw where Shampoo's face was and she
REALLY got upset.
Tom: Wait 'til she sees where Ukyou is attached.
archhh!! akane!?This isn't what u think!
Crow: <Akane> Save it, Reggi... Ranma!
Tom: <Akane> It's too far south for the Heimlich maneuver, and too
far north for a proctological exam... in that case, you tell me!
Before ranma could finish his sentence,akane already took out her mallet
and smashed ranma in his face.
Joel: Sounds more like Akane the Assasin to me right now.
Crow: <Akane> Hold still, Ranma, you have a mole on your face...
whoops, it moved again!
After that,ukyo arrived and saw akane hitting ranma.Hey! what do you
think you are doing to my darling ranma!
Joel: <Akane> Well, if you'd hand me that meat tenderizer it'd go
a lot faster, Ukyou...
Tom: <Akane> You place the head between the patented pan. And
then you reach for the tool that's not a slicer, not a dicer, not a chopper
in a hopper....
Then she pecked ranma on his cheek lightly.ARCHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Both shampoo and akane screamed.
Joel: This fanfic brought to you by Archie Comics. 60 years
and still recycling!
Crow: And playing the part of Shampoo, Melissa Joan Hart.
Shampoo immidiatly smashed ranma with her bycycle while akane
smashed ranma continusly with her mallet
Joel: <singing> I like to smash my bicycle....
Tom: Akane's just trying to fit a square peg into a non-existent hole.
"don't hurt my darling!!!!!!!!!"Ukyo joined the fight.
ooooohoooohoooohoooo!!!!
Tom: Then Santa Claus arrived to chew candy canes and kick ass.
Crow: This is starting to resemble the last five minutes of "Blazing
Saddles".
Kodaichi appered through the window
Crow: <Kodachi> ....ow.
Joel: What window? Where the heck are they anyway?
Tom: <Kodachi> I must enter in my own idiom!
"the only person ranma is marrying is me!""Dream on!"Kodaichi also
joined the fight.
Joel: <Kodachi> In the name of Martin Tupper, I shall vanquish
you!
Crow: Now was that in her leotard, alternate schoolgirl uniform, or
super-secret vinyl bustier outfit?
Just then,Ryoga apperaed.
Tom: <Siegfried> Due to new animal control laws and my partner's
skittishness with large animals... our show now features baby pigs!!
DIE RANMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!followed by a bunch of massive attacks which
all failed due to ranma's quick reflexes,
Joel: <Ryoga> I cast... Magic Missile!
Tom: <Ranma> You're at the pub, man, you're not IN this battle!
Joel: <Ryoga> Can someone roll to see if I get drunk then?
but he tripped and fell on shampoo.
Crow: <Ranma> Hey, my head is tingling... it must be working!
Tom: <Shampoo> Aiya! Ranma happy to see Shampoo!
Mouse suddenly appeared and threw chains and knifs at ranma.
Joel: Jerry's back and he's pissed!
Tom: <Itchy> Whadda mean this isn't our set!?
Crow: <Chu> I've come for your women, three big breasted servants
aren't enough for me!
HOW COULD YOU TAKE MY DARLING SHAMPOO
AWAY!!!!!The rest of the girls also attacked ranma for touching
shampoo.
Crow: <girl> We like your greasy stringy look better!!
Joel: Ranma's face must be approaching Michael Jackson mutilation
levels by now....
E N O U G H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ranma shouted out loud.
Crow: No shit.
Tom: <Ranma> The limit of people beating me up has been
reached, please try again in one hour.
Crow: <Ranma> How about we reenact one of my favorite fics now,
"The Fist KILLS Everybody"!
Everyone stopped moving,shocked.I have had enough of you people!!
The engagements are all off and I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU
PEOPLE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joel: <Ranma> Get the exclamation point?
Crow: <Ranma> Pull the troops out, recall the air strikes, retreat,
dammit, RETREAT!
After that ranma jumped put of the window and he never came back
again.
Tom: For the cat had come back. He just wouldn't stay away.
Crow: Two years later, Ranma was found fifteen blocks away
brainwashed by a homeless man and his sometime companion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crow: Wow, that Hover Bovver guy can mow a helluva lawn!
Tom: And so Ranma swam back to China to find the Jusekyou
spring... no wait, that would make too much sense....
It has been 3 years since Ranma left the Tendos and lived on his own.
Tom: Where he moved in with his cousin from Mypos... Balki.
Joel: He tried to turn on the world with his smile but in the end
he couldn't make it after all.
He had no money therefore was forced to steal from people.In the
beginning,it was small offences like stealing,robbing............
Joel: ...telemarketing...
Tom: ...running for Congress...
Crow: <Ranma> Three more robberies and I'll be ready for barratry!
but soon it became worst and worst.
Tom: Can't get much worst than that.
Joel: He provided dubbing for Hong Kong movies, the fiend!
Crow: He taped Major League Baseball WITHOUT permission!!
Tom: And what did they finally catch him for? Downloading "Me
Against the Music" on Gnutella.
Last year,ranma was offered a large sum of money to kill a certain
person.
Joel: Doctor Phil?
Crow: I'd chip in ten bucks for that.
Tom: Hell, I'd take out a loan.
Ranma took the job and murdered him.
Tom: Ranma performed his standup act and within seconds, he
was knocked dead.
Joel: <Ranma> OK, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....
Soon he began to take up more and more jobs after that.
Joel: <Delia Deitz> Why, Mr. Beetleman, you're an assassin too?
Crow: It was only a matter of time until Ranma got into life insurance...
Tom: <Ranma> Hello, Ranma's Enforced Life-Ending! Mention our
name to Randall-Krantz Funeral Home for a 15% discount on "loved"
ones' funerals!
Soon,ranma was known in the underworld as the best assasin.
Crow: Soon he would expand his operations to the Leevers and
Peahats... and the Medicine Woman needed a good scare too.
He was feared by many because of his light speed movement and
ground shaking strength.
Joel: And the fact that he could be La Femme Nikita with a
splash of cold water was immaterial, right?
Tom: <enemy> He violates too many laws of physics! AHHHHHH!!
Crow: <Ranma> You think I'm badass now? Wait till I get
LUDICROUS.
It was just another day for ranma's life as he just woke up.
Tom: And just stared at the twenty-three mounted heads on his
bedroom wall.
Joel: <Ranma> Boy, that was a weird dream. Hey Kasumi! Breakfast
ready yet?
It was 9 in the morning and he had just received a call from a man that
wanted him to assasin a family making sure the whole family line would
be wiped clear of the earth.
Crow: <man> Tito, Jermaine, LaToya... I swear, if one Jackson is left
on this planet, we'll ALL pay!
Ranma found out his name was Mr Godo,a rich and famous merchant.
Crow: <Godo> The holidays are here, the boss is gone and GODO
GONE CRAZZZZZZY!!!
Joel: He was so rich and famous Robin Leach had his own guest
cabin.
Tom: <Ranma> Whee, playing identification roulette is fun! Who
will I be next... ... "Chesty Melons"?
Ranma condsidered the job.He was offered a huge sum of money as a
reward.
Joel: <Ranma> Five bucks, a bag of donuts, and a butterscotch
enema?!? You've got a deal!
Crow: <Ranma> Money?! What the hell! You should know by now,
I'm to be paid with CREAM CHEESE, moron!
After a short brief thought he decided to do the job.
Crow: Ranma 13: The Professional.
Joel: <Ranma> ....
He was told the address where the victim lived.
Tom: <man> But every Thursday, when the garbage trucks go to
empty the dumpsters, he moves. Be warned.
Crow: <Ranma> Hmm, that's across town... hey Leon? Could you
give me a lift tonight? I promise to chip in for gas and acid this time....
Ranma was told that the victim was the daughter of a teacher who had
a dojo.
Crow: ...on the tail of a frog on the bump on the branch on the
log in the hole at the bottom of the sea.
Tom: Who the heck is telling him all this stuff anyway? Charlie?
Joel: Actually, I'd laugh if it was Allen Funt.
That very night,ranma was walking to the destination.He had a feeling
that he knew that place and was determined to find out where on earth
it was.
Tom: <Ranma, singing> I know I'll find you somewhere...
somewhereeeee... somewhereeeee....
Joel: <Ranma> Why... it's my HAPPY PLACE!
Crow: He's walking to his destination yet he's not sure where it
is? What is he, frigging Rainman!?
He was shocked to see himself standing right in front of a place called
[TENDO DOJO].
Tom: BOM BOM BOMMMMM!
Joel: <Nabiki> >GASP!<
Tom: <booming voice> Ranma Saotome, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!
Suddenly,memories started to flood his mind.Memories of the days
when he still lived in the dojo with akane and the rest.
Joel: <Ranma> I miss Mary Anne's cooking... and Ginger's dresses.
Tom: And yet he didn't recognize the address... Akane's malleting
must've inflicted more damage than we thought.
Crow: <Ranma> I will not sing 'Memories', damn it... and I... I
w-won't cry e-either....
For once in his live,ranma felt nervous about doing the job.He began to
reconsider,but the thought of the reward he would get was getting the
better of him.
Crow: Get Shorty II: The Death of Nabiki.
Joel: <Ranma> All I can eat for $4.99... how can I resist!?
Tom: <Ranma> And if I don't take no tolls then I don't eat no
rolls... yep, got it. Time to die, sucka.
"Damned! What the hell should I do"After a long thought he forced
himself to press.
Crow: <Ranma> Open up! Your murders are leading the news
tonight and you have five minutes to meet your deadline!
Ranma put on a mask he always used during his accacinations.
Crow: And what would those be exactly? Hmm? Hmm?
Joel: <Ranma> Now they'll think that Harry Potter did it!
Tom: <Ranma, singing> MASK... is the mighty power that
will save the day...
He took in a deep breath and dashed into the house at top speed.
Joel: <Ranma> HiKasumigottagokillsomeoneseeyabye!
Tom: <Akane> Surprise! Happy Birthday to... AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Akane was shocked to see him
and couldn't do anything.What!? DIE AKANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom: <Akane> Come again?
Crow: <Ranma> DIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... can't be bothered anymore.
ranma thought to himself"this is my chance,i mustn't waist it"
Tom: Because a murder is a terrible thing to waist.
Joel: <Ranma> I burn 80 calories with every kill!
Crow: Richard Simmons 'Deal-A-Death' were surprisingly
effective for weight loss....
When ranma was just about to land his fist into Akane's face,a bright
blue light smashed into one side of ranma's stomach.
Joel: <Akane> Whew! Saved by the blue light special!
Tom: Fortunately, Sonic the Hedgehog arrived just in the nick
of time!
Crow: <Ranma> Hey, I don't drink Labatt's! Gimmie a Moosehead!
Archhhhhhhhh!!!! Ranma flew back and smashed into the wall.
Tom: <Archie Bunker> That's right, Meathead! STIFLE!
Damned its Ryoga why must he visit of all times! How did you know
my name! ryoga shouted at him.
Joel: <Ranma> Uhh... it's written in your underwear?
Damned this isn't good,guest i have to finish him off too.Ranma
concentrated and focus a large amount of chi into his palm.
Crow: And as long as he doesn't focus his palm down his pants, we're
all happy.
Joel: Five hours later, Ranma was still at it while the family decided to
go to bed.
DIE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He smashed the chi into the ground
and it began to shake.What the,man that guy is strong.
Crow: Special guest appearance by Disembodied Man!
Tom: We replaced the Ranma in this fanfic with Terry Bogard. Let's
watch...
Just then,the whole dojo exploded causing everybody to fly back.
Joel: <Soun> I really shoulda had that gas main checked...
Crow: Must be a helluva hockey game going on in there.
Akane smashed through the wall causing her head to bleed badly.
Crow: Akane IS Big Jim Slade!
Tom: <Ranma> You call that a bladejob!? I want full crimson mask,
dammit!
Even ryoga was having difficulty standing.
Tom: <Ryouga> Drunken boxing is *hic* harder than I thought....
Ranma panted in and out slowly to regain his stamina.
Crow: <Akane> H-hey! Quit mooning us, you pervert!
Joel: Man, who would've thought an assasin would be so out of shape.
I MUST PROTECT AKANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ryoga shouted at
the top of his lungs.
Joel: <Akane> Ouch! How about protecting my eardrums first?
Tom: <Akane> Little late there, partner. *drip, drip* Hoo boy,
I'm feelin' faint....
He charged into ranma and started punching ranma all over with every
bit of his strength.
Tom: <singing> It's the... eye of the tiger...
Crow: <Terry Silver> No! SWEEP THE LEGS! DO IT!!
Joel: <Random punk> Get 'im a bodybag. YEAAAAAAHHH!
Damn you!! Ranma shouted followed by another blast of ki into ryoga's
face.
Ryogo wasn't prepared for this one and flew backwards crashing into
the television.
Tom: <Nabiki> Dammit, Simon Cowell was coming up next with his
review!
Ryoga couldn't take it anymore,
Joel: So he dished it out.
Crow: <Ryoga> Twisted Sister is over! OVER!!!
Tom: ...so he joined up with Martin Sheen, Stanley Spadowski and the
rest of America.
"sorry Akane,i cannot protect you!"ryoga said before fainting.
Tom: <Akane> That's no reason to take cyanide, you dolt!
Crow: <Ryoga> Mmmmm... bitter almonds.
Now akane was the only one left conscious.
Joel: Quick, Akane! Use the Phoenix Down!
Crow: Fortunately, Ranma panted himself to hyperventilation.
Ryoga! Akane screamed.Ranma walked towards akane silently.
Tom: Uh, I'm pretty sure your element of surprise has been
completely used up by now, Ranma....
Crow: <Ranma> Hmm, should I risk a level 3 execution? Where'd
I put that glass shard anyway?
he was standing right in front of her,akane leaning against the table due
to her injured leg also fom the collision.
Crow: Good thing the Tendos decided to furnish their back yard.
Ranma rasied his hand and removed his mask.
Joel: No! Santo, don't remove your mask!
Crow: Have you guessed who it is? Do you folks at home know?
Tom: <Ranma> Now where the hell did that freakin' Christine
wander off to now!?
Akane was shocked to see who it was.Her whole body suddenly
weighed a ton more than it was just 10 seconds ago.
Joel: <Akane> I knew I should've skipped those franks n' beans....
Tom: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot were reported in the vicinity. They
may be armed with anvils and are considered dangerous...
Crow: <Akane> Ah, finally! Some PMS power! What took you
so long!?
Ran....ranma!? You are the assasin!?
Crow: <Ranma> Yeah, that's pretty much what the title says...
Tom: <Ranma> No, I'm the Pumaman. Seen any Aztecs around
here?
Tears began to form in akane's eyes. Ranma face had no expression.
He raised his fist up and qlenched it.
Joel: That's the oldest qliche in the book.
Crow: <Ranma> Hasta la sayonara... baby.
He was about to smashed akane in her face but somehow he couldn't
make himself do it.
Crow: <Ranma> Ehh, she deserves a gut shot more.
Joel: <Ranma> Where the heck IS her face in all that blood anyway?
Seeing her face with a worried expression on it, he just couldn't make
himself do it.
Tom: <Ranma> Damned random paralysis!
Crow: <Ranma> Aw, geez, nobody told me girls would cry if I
tried to kill them! What am I supposed to do now!?
he slowly lowered his fist and lossened the grip."damned"Ranma turned
and left.
Crow: <Akane> Chickened out again, huh? Same time tomorrow?
Joel: <Ranma> Hey, I came close this time! I really did! I even
clicked the safety off! Just wait'll next year!
Just when he was about to reach the door,bullets flew through the
window.
Tom: <newsreel announcer> Just then, Elliot Ness and his Untouchables
toppled a speakeasy in Nerima...
Crow: <James Frazier> You've got t' the count of ten to get off my
property! One... two... TEN! HAHAHAHAHA!!
What! ranma barely managed to dodge the bullets."Damned! hide
akane!"Ranma charged out of the door,"damned leave akane alone!"
Tom: Damned, get some new expletives already!
Joel: <voice> But it's Akane season!
Crow: <voice> Ranma season!
Mr Godo was standing outside the dojo with a group of other assasins
he hired.
Crow: <Godo> Don't make me send James Earl Ray in there, Ranma!
Tom: Oh, what is this? 'Kill Godo' Vol. 1? Is Sonny Chiba going
to come out and amuse us now?
"Ranma! what a failure you are! I am so disappointed with you.So,you
are not going to kill her,if that is the case then you shall die,
Joel: He's reading from the Bad Guy Mad Lib Primer #2!
Tom: <Akane> Oh goodie, I'm off the hook then?
ATTACK HIM ASSASINS!"
Tom: <Godo> We need fart power now! Unleash the asses of
JUSTICE!
Crow: <Howard Stern> Leave everything to me!
Damned!"ranma charged towards the assasins"DON'T YOU DARE
LAY YOUR HANDS ON AKANE!"
Tom: <Godo> Uh, YOU'RE the target now, remember?
Crow: <Assassins> Actually we were planning on passing
numerous chunks of lead through her major organs. That OK with you,
sport?
with that ranma started blasting the assasins with his ki blasts.
Crow: Yes, Ranma was surely filled with pride and confidence
after FAILING to accomplish his mission!
Joel: <Assassin> Are our Kevlar vests ki-proof?
"damned theres too many of them"Ranma was punched by one of the
assasins while another one kicked him in his
stomach.ARCHHHHHHHHH!"damn that hurts".
Joel: I wonder why they dropped their guns?
Tom: I wonder where they GOT their guns.
Crow: <Godo> I knew I should've given my assasins more than
one bullet each!
He continued to fire ki blasts at the assasins.
Joel: Ranma is much more effective when Akane mans the crank.
Suddenly,ranma was hit by a huge black ball of light on his
back.
Tom: Cyclops' evil brother Black-Eyed Pea was seen in the vicinity...
Crow: It knocked Ranma out but all it did to Akane is make her
shoelaces glow.
Archhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ranma shouted in pain as the blast
burned his skin causing his back to bleed.
Joel: <Soun> Couldja keep it down? They're about to do the rose
ceremony over here!
Ranma thought to himself"damned i have no choice i guess i will have to
use my final attack".
Crow: <Ranma> I'll put them between my fingers and CRUSH THEIR
HEADS!
Tom: <Godo> Oh yeah?! Well, I'm pinching your face RIGHT NOW!!
Ranma began to focus all his ki into one huge massive ball of energy.
Joel: Then he sold it to Pee Wee Herman.
Tom: This gives all-new meaning to "Dead or Alive Volleyball".
He concentrated liked he never did before.
Joel: <Ranma, singing> Just keep swimming, just keep
swimming....
Crow: <Ranma> The square root of 45,402... is...
His body began to glow red .None of the assasins could get near
him.Ranma raised his hand.
Tom: <Ranma> SHOWTIME, SYNERGY!!!
A huge massive reb ball of ki twice the size of the dojo appered.
Tom: Enveloping everyone before he could fire the damn thing off, the
dope.
Crow: Hey! Johnny Yuma! Long time no see, man!
DIE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom: ...take two.
Joel: <Akane> Deja vu!
Crow: Electric boogaloo.
Ranma shouted as loud as he could before letting out the massive ball
of chi.every single assasine was wiped out in a instance.
Joel: <Ranma> I have no regrets...
Tom: <Akane> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Joel: <Ranma> Okay, maybe one.
Even ranma himself got affected by the blast.
Crow: <Ranma> Crap, those were my best shoes.
After the blast dispersed,akane came out of what was left of the dojo.
Joel: In fifteen charred bits.
Tom and Crow: <start humming Luke's theme from Star Wars>
Joel: And then... the Second Impact hit.
"Ranma!"where are you!Akane found ranma lying on the ground
bleeding badly.
Joel: <Akane> Hurts, don't it?
Crow: <Akane> Hey, you're bleeding almost as badly as I was ear...
li... *thud*
Tom: <Ranma> I regret I have one life to give to my tomboy....
She ran towards him and helped him up.Ranma was unconscious.
Crow: ...thus he immediately collapsed and snapped his ankles.
Tom: <Akane> Damn, I forgot the sticks and string.
Akane thought back to everytime she hitted ranma.Every time she
insulted him for something he did not even do.
Joel: <Akane> Dang, I should've hit him harder for that time...
and THAT time too!
Crow: <Akane> He's right! I did deserve death! Ranma, wake
up and kill me! I was wrong to fear for my worthless life!
It was then when she realized how many times she blamed ranma for
something he never did.
Joel: <Akane> Let's see... 73... carry the 5...
Crow: <Akane> Compared to all that chump change stuff, almost
murdering me will be more than enough to hold over him for a lifetime!
A wave of guilt passed through her.
Tom: <Akane> No wait, that was just a bullet.
Tears were beginning to form in akane's eyes.
Crow: <Akane> Oh great... *choke*... the bodies of my family are
getting ripe... *gag*... never a damned clothespin around when you
need one....
Joel: Eww....
She started crying thinking of all the things she did to him.
Crow: <Akane's brain> AGAIN?? Look, this is getting
monotonous!
Joel: <Akane> Short sheeting his bed, stealing his pillows,
soaping his windows, dipping his hand into warm water....
Tom: Meanwhile, Ryoga had long since entered medical shock and
was trending towards brain damage.
One drop of her tear dripped onto ranma's face waking him
up."...Ranma!?"You are awake."yea i suppose"ranma replied with a
slight smile on his face."can u get up?"akane asked concerned "yea i'll
try"akane lifted ranma's hand onto her shouder and pulled ranma up.
Crow: <Ranma> Thanks... now DIE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joel: <Akane> Whoops... your hand just came clean off there. How
about your arm... oh, shoot...
The tendos were beginning to awake and saw ranma badly injured.
Tom: <Soun> *yawns* Rather drafty in here, isn't it?
Crow: <Nabiki> Wow, that was a refreshing nap.
Joel: <Kasumi> Tadaima! I'm back from Tofu's and... oh my!
Tom: <Genma> ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.....
"akane bring him in here quickly"Kasumi said concenly.
Crow: <Nabiki> Yeah, this may be our only chance to finish him
off!
Joel: <Kasumi> I'll be sure to bring Tofu and be present the whole time.
Just then,ranma saw my Mr godo lying on the floor.He was still
alive though suffering terrible.
Crow: ...migraines.
Tom: I know how he feels.
Joel: It was then when Ranma realized how many times he blamed Mr.
Godo for something he never did....
Ranma didn't really care about him until he managed to take out his gun
and shot it at akane before he died.
Joel: Then he watched him with mild concern as the life faded
from Akane's eyes and Godo turned his gun on Soun.
Crow: Then he watched him with slight trepidation as he turned
the gun on Nabiki.
Tom: Then he watched with undisguised glee as he turned the gun on
Genma.
AKANE WATCH OUT!!!! ranma shouted."huh!?"akane replied
surprised.By then the bullet was already reaching akane.
Joel: At that time, Akane entered the Matrix...
Crow: Oh joy, I can hardly wait for 'Assasin Reloaded'.
Ranma had no choice.He made a leap forward and blocked the bullet
>from reaching akane.
All: Yayyyyyy!
But in return,he got hit by the bullet.
All: Yayyyyyy!
Crow: And it didn't pass through Ranma? What kind of cheap ass
ammunition are those assasins using anyway!?
Tom: Hollow tip and hollow shell.
Joel: Natch.
He let out a gasp before falling onto the floor.
Tom: <Ranma> Archhhh....
Crow: <Ranma> Jugheadddd....
Joel: <Ranma> Mr. Weatherbeeeee....
Ranma! akane screamed. Ranma smiled at her.
Crow: <Ranma> Guess he fired only five times. Whoops.
Tom: <Ranma> You'll eat my ashes when I'm dead right?
Joel: <Akane> Umm...
He said softly "aka.....ne i've never reall....y sa..........id t....his before
but
but I love you"
Tom: <Ranma> That's why the killer's remorse didn't even surface until
after I had already smashed your house and rearranged your face.
Crow: <Akane> Looks like he only shot you in your shin...obu.
"i love you too ranma, i've always love you but did not dare say it"
Joel: <Akane> But I love the fact that you're dying even more.
"glad to hear that"after that sentence,ranma died leaving a smile on his
face.
Crow: <Akane> And here I thought I'd never find out what happened to
you. Score one for me!
Joel: <Akane> Phew, Ryoga, we were able to live the lie until
he finally died! Uh, Ryoga? Ryoga?!
well,how did you like it?must have been really bad right?
Tom: Let's put it this way... ARRRRRRRRRRRRCH!!!
Crow: Hear, hear.
but cmon give me some credit,this is my first fic i ever wrote.
Joel: <Author> And how did you like the inevitable sequel setup for
"akane the assasin"?
Hope i willl improve and hope you will like my other new once that i
will make in the future;)
Tom: I'm sure Dr. F already has the VCR programmed.
Crow: <author> Look for Kasumi the Vegtaran and Nabiki the
Ticooon, coming... probably about an hour or so!
NiChOlAs
Joel: Hey, Torgo has a nom de plume! Good for him.
Crow: <Nick> Boy, I hope Uncle Frankie Coppola likes my
first screenplay!
Tom: This fanfic brought to you by the Proctologists of America. Be
sure to have your assasin checked annually.
Joel: Oh, you....
Crow: Heh heh heh.
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
The counter on the bridge had been replaced with a long table with
four microphones and a pitcher of water. Four plastic chairs rested
behind the table.
"Hear ye, hear ye!" Magic Voice proclaimed. "This military tribunal
is now in season! The United States Army Vs. The A-Team! The
honorable... and sexy... General Cambot presiding!"
Cambot's chroma flushed as he watched Joel, Tom, Crow and Gypsy
enter the makeshift courtroom and each take a seat. Joel was wearing
a beige jumpsuit with black gloves and had a cigar clenched between his
teeth. Tom was dressed in a suit that screamed 'car salesman'. Crow
was wearing a flight jacket and cap while Gypsy had a crapload of chains
around her tube and an earring.
"The defendants are hereby charged with the crime of... uh... what
exactly did you guys do again?" Magic Voice whispered.
"Well, I don't know about my colleagues, but I must plead guilty to
several dozen crimes of passion...." Tom replied with a swagger.
"Cut your jibber-jabber, fool! This ain't no love connection!" Gypsy
growled as best she could in a falsetto.
"I think we robbed a bank or something... then broke out of prison
and went on the run for years." Joel offered.
"Your honor, if I may?" Crow spoke up. "I'd like to call my first
witness...."
"Murdock! What are you doing!? I'm representing us!" Tom
interrupted in a panicked voice.
"Just trust me here, Faceman." Crow replied cheerfully while patting
Tom's head. "I'd like to call my first witness... someone who was present
with us at the time of the alleged bank robbery and someone who can
clearly establish our innocence... my dog, Billy."
Tom groaned and buried his face into his arms while Joel desperately
tried to hold back a livid Gypsy. "You ain't got no dog, you crazy fool!"
Gypsy roared as Crow stepped in front of the table, looked down and
began talking to the empty floor.
"Sit. Stay. Good witness. Now then, Billy, were you present at the
time of the bank robbery in question?" Crow inquired, tilting his head to
the side.
There was a long silence as Crow slowly nodded a few times. Then
he looked up at Cambot with an air of satisfaction. "The defense rests,
your honor."
"No, we don't! Murdock, get off the stand!" Tom cried out as Joel
rose from his seat.
"Your honor, if I may?" Joel said before moving in front of the table
where Crow was cuddling his non-existent dog. "Good work, Captain.
I'll take it from here...."
"Good luck, Colonel. Come on, Billy!" Crow replied with a jaunty
salute before returning to his seat. Meanwhile, Joel took a bite out of
his chocolate cigar and addressed Cambot.
"Your honor, what you see here today is a group of the finest men
I've ever known, in both character and combat. While it's true that we've
spent the past few years evading the military police, it's only fair to say
that in that time, we've done our fair share of helping those who needed
us most, just as we did in Vietnam when we loyally served our country."
Tom and Gypsy both breathed a sigh of relief. "Hannibal won't let us
down...." Gypsy whispered to Tom who nodded.
Joel suddenly chuckled as he sat on the edge of the table. "Yeah,
teasing Colonel Decker and Lynch was a real hoot. I still laugh when I
think of the time we overturned Decker's jeep with that tank, dunked
Lynch in oil, made them both dance the chicken...."
"Uh, Hannibal?" Tom interrupted nervously.
"But I digress... I have to admit that I get a real rush out of beating
the odds, betting against the house, the deck stacked against us... why
I'd bet I could deliberately mess up my testimony just to make it THAT
much more satisfying when we get acquitted. Bet that'd burn you up, eh
judge? After all, you only have ONE chance to get us...." Joel said with
a big grin.
"Oh no, Hannibal's on the jazz again! What're we gonna do now?"
Gypsy exclaimed.
"Your honor, at this time, I'd like to request that I be tried separately
from this group...." Tom began.
"WHAT!? You betta be joking, sucka!" Gypsy growled as she
loomed over a cowering Tom.
"O-Of course I was... heh... y-your honor, I'd like to put B.A. Baracus
on the stand...."
"About time, fool!" Gypsy grunted as she knocked her chair over
standing up and then somehow uplifted the entire table, knocking Joel to
the floor. "Now listen here, suckas! We innocent! We didn't rob no
bank! And if you don't let us go, I'll put some gold in your teeth with my
FIST! Now, you got somethin' to say?!?"
Gypsy pressed her nose directly against Cambot's lens as he nervously
shook his head from side to side. "Good! Come on, fools! Back to the
van! We've got little kids to save!" Gypsy snarled before storming out.
"I love it when a trial comes apart." Joel smirked as he picked himself
off the floor and chuckled at the shaken Cambot.
"Not so fast, buster!" Magic Voice abruptly growled. "On behalf of
General Cambot, I am entering a verdict of GUILTY to all defendants on
all counts!"
"Hey, you can't do that!" Tom exclaimed, horrified.
"I just did! And I've decided to sentence you all to thirty years of hard
labor at... umm... Oz! Yeah, that place oughta hold you good!" Magic
Voice proclaimed triumphantly.
A hushed silence fell over the courtroom as gritty music played over
the loudspeakers. All four A-Team members had a look of shock on their
faces as they walked out of the courtroom, one by one. Then Cambot
accessed his caption function to display the following words...
"TO BE CONTINUED...."
The music swelled to an appropriate climatic peak, and then fell
silent as Joel and the bots returned to the bridge, laughing.
"Wow, these television season-ending cliffhangers are fun! They
really up the drama!" Joel exclaimed while taking another bite from his
cigar.
"And you can usually just have the B-grade scriptwriters doing them
too!" Crow added.
"But are you sure one of the A-Team seasons had this cliffhanger? I
know they had a trial at some point but...." Tom began.
"Who cares? It was still fun!" Gypsy exclaimed as she lowered her
head and gold chains began slipping off her body to the floor.
"So what should we do next?" Joel asked.
"How about an anime them? I could fail to summon Suzaku!" Tom
exclaimed.
"Nah... I got it! We'll pick a fight with a god and I'll sacrifice myself
to save you guys and the universe?" Crow suggested.
"And waste precious hours crying over you while enduring LONG-ass
introspective flashbacks? I don't think so." Tom muttered.
"Joel, was Richard Basehart ever in a cliffhanger?" Gypsy inquired
hopefully.
"I don't know, Gypsy... oh wait, I've got a good one! How about we
pretend the satellite is crashing down to earth and we think we're going
to die but we end up back at my apartment, living together and watching
bad movies!" Joel exclaimed.
There was a long pause as everyone considered this idea. Then they
shook their heads and simultaneously replied.
"Nahhhhh...."
"Yeah, you're right. Dumb idea." Joel sighed as he noticed the red
light flashing on the console. "Anyway, what'd think, sirs?"
* * *
DEEP 13
Frank stood in front of the console and opened his mouth to speak
only to quickly shut it again and look from side to side. Then he smiled
and opened the left side of his jacket again before reaching over to push
the button, whispering to the camera....
"You know you want me baby."
...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...
I hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
Author's Notes: Hey everyone! I managed to finish another MST
in a little over a month! Woo hoo! Seriously, though, I've been
feeling pretty good lately and I hope to continue to increase my
productivity in the future with my MSTs and collaborations. I
originally had a much different idea for the season four finale that I may
still use in the future but then I came up with the idea of parodying
season finale clich�s themselves and it was too tempting to pass up.
Finally, my apologies for Frank nipple, he just can't help himself at
times. ;P
Also, for those that missed it, I completed my very first author's
commentary of 'Artemis's Lover' and you can find it at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent/al67dvd.html
I've been MSTing for over six years now and I want to thank each
and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement
and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure
every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that
some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I
helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from
the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make
you laugh for a long time to come. :)
I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some
in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing....
- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings
'Moon Honey Flash' and 'From Weird to Weirder'. The editing of the
FFIRC MSTing 'Battle Royale' is also complete and all of these can
be found in the 'Recently Completed Projects' section of 'A MSTing
For All Seasons'. Finally, Zoogz is currently finishing up the first chapter
of a fanfic collaboration with Rahkal called "Crossed Signals", coming
soon to a fanfiction archive near you!
Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose
C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice
things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out the
newest chapter of HaM, you can reach him at gary@garykleppe.org or
his webpage at http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html and I'm sure he'll
be happy to send the story along to you.
***All of my MSTings and the MSTings I've contributed to can be
found in the various catagories at:***
'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://www.svamcentral.org/svam/
Tears began to form in akane's eyes. Ranma face had no expression.
He raised his fist up and qlenched it.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2004 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....
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