Trying to ease back into the C&C game...
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Special Disclaimer: So far as I recall, I have never read the original
version of this fic.
Kyle Emmerson wrote:
The courier had ridden for months. Possibly even years, surviving on the
smallest amount of food possible. Stopping only to sleep in daylight, drink
some water, and in some cases, buy a new horse. He had ridden by moonlight,
by starlight, through rain, through shine, over mountain and river, through
village and city, to get to his destination.
I think the comma after city should be removed. I could, as always, be
wrong.
Aitaka stopped, and spoke as clearly as he could in the foreigner's
language. "I am," he said. "Your name is Adam?"
"Yes," Adam replied. "You have been on the road for many months, may I
invite you in for some food?"
"Caeser?"
Adam shook his head. "No," he said. "Caeser is unaware. The entire Roman
Empire stands in awe of the events last year. They are working hard at
trying to contain the flow of knowledge of the event."
"It is impossible to stem the flow of such news. It is not every day a man
raises from the dead."
How would someone who's been traveling perhaps for years, only just
arriving in the Roman world, know anything about the "events last year"?
Aitaka dismounted, and nodded. Before dismounting, he took a small bag and
a long, thin object wrapped in clothe from his horse. He kept it clutched
tightly within his hands, and followed Adam inside of his hut.
"clothe" should, I think, be "cloth"
Adam nodded. "I understand your worry. But my Lord Yahweh has need of it.
It has other functions, unseen as of yet. I do not fully understand it
myself."
It is possible that I am wrong, but I believe it would be highly
unlikely that a member of any (historical, at least) Jewish sect in this
time period, including the Christians, would use the name of God.
"The cursed earth?"
"Far east of here," he said. "In the mountains of the Orient, lies a valley
once touched by God." He took a disdainful breath. "It is said that the
valley was once Eden. Many of our scholars never believed the rumours, they
always thought that Eden would be closer to the Holy Land, but they fail to
realize. On Gods Earth, all land is holy. Even land now occupied by..."
Jusenkyo?
Adam smirked. "Perhaps, friend. Perhaps in the kingdom of heaven, or
perhaps in this same life."
Heaven should, I think, be capitalized.
I am by no means an expert on the origin of such terms, so I'll just
simply note that, in modern times at least, "the kingdom of heaven" is
more of a Christian term, while a more Jewish formulation would be "the
world to come". My instinct would be that, assuming the Jewish phrase
does not date to later in history, the Christians of the time would be
more likely to use it instead.
"I hope you know what you're doing, Lord," he said. "These Pagans confuse
me, but I will trust in your choices, just as I had trusted your son." He
looked down at the table in front of him and sighed. "Amen, my Lord Yahweh."
This last sentence here rings somewhat false to me. Perhaps it is just
me, but I've never really heard Amen used except at the very end of a
sentence.
General comments: It's well written, and it's intriguing enough that
I'll keep an eye out for Chapter 1. Other than that, it's too early to
say much.