Subject: [FFML] Re: [R.5][SM]Ranko's Makeover
From: Josh Temple
Date: 2/5/2004, 7:21 PM
To: Zorknot <zorukonotsu@yahoo.com>, , FFML <ffml@anifics.com>
Reply-to:
tarne_of_eat@sluggy.net


Hi,

This fic looks to be very interesting. I was worried
that you were just going to have Ranko take over
completely but it's good again now that I know Ranma's
coming back. 

[heh, had you worried there for a bit eh?

If you continue this at all you'll
definatly have to have the fiancees and the Tendos
participate more. This has good potential anyway. 

[Thanks, yeah it could go somewhere

Some things I caught:

Ranko placed her other purchases down and then
wandered around the store like a kid in a
candy-store.  >The first thing the eliminated were
rings. 

the->they
[she actually. It's a common mistake for me.  Sigh.

Ranko and Nodoka then picked up their purchases and
left the shopping mall. Both woman felt exhilarated
by >the day's events.

woman->women

"He's a good man, but he's got enough trouble
handling >his own children.  I'm just an extra. 
Someone they >pretend is not there all to much."

to->too. Might consider "that" instead though.
[yeah that is better

Ranko still had to take a placement test.  One that
she did adequately enough. on. 

There shouldn't be a period in front of "on." also
there is bit of time shift that's a little awkward.
Consider: "Ranko had to take a placement test too, but
she adequately enough on that."
[yeah that does sound better thanks.

Good looking, tall, and string he was also very witty
and funny.

I think you want "strong" instead of "string" here:-)
[ummm yeah.

He will definitely show her the problems a girl with
aspirations of being a housewife can do.

will->would

"I'm going to have to fight won't I?" Sailor Phoenix
asked sourly.

This is a little awkward. Consider: "I'll have to
fight won't I?" or "I'm going to have to fight huh?"
[yeah that is better.


Other than that I didn't see much wrong with the fic.
I like Loki on general principles. Pretty much
anything that mentions him raises up a notch in my
estimation. 
[he is neat. And this will also quell the rumors that Murdock was Loki.


You have very excellent discriptions and
the prose flows fairly well. I have to say though,
that aside from feeling a little disturbed by Ranko's
girliness there wasn't anything that really grabbed me
until it got to the very end when Ranma came back.
Until that point there wasn't really a definate
conflict. 

[yeah, I was kinda working on that, creepy girlishness followed by a breakthrough.
[it was a bit of a risk spending that much time showing how much of a girl Ranko had become, but I think it paid off.

>From your intro to the fic I'm getting the
distinct vibe that you won't be continuing it. So it
kind of stinks that you left it at cliffhanger. 

[That vibe's in that I really wanted to work on the Return, but I came up with this idea and it wouldn't.  And it will be continued.  
[Damn muse.


Anyway, I hope I helped.
[most definitely thanks.


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