Subject: [FFML] Re: [ORIG] Taro-chan CH1 draft
From: "DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net>
Date: 2/5/2004, 10:43 PM
To: Pablo R. Arévalo
CC: <ffml@anifics.com>


Originals seem to be more popular of late than they had in the past. let's
see if this one piques my interest.




September 1st - Grandma's house of secrets

house of secrets should be capitlized, methinks.


Dear diary:

Ever since I was little, getting ready to go to grandma's house has
always been a big thing.  Mom always makes me wear the stuffy, pretty
clothes that she gets me for special occasions, and makes me promise to
behave and all that stuff parents tell kids when they want them to be
good.  She's always treating me like a little girl when we visit
grandma, but I'm not.
But even if I complain, I'm always glad to be there again.  When I get
there, the first thing I see is Taro-chan waiting by the front gate just
to greet me.  Then, the smell of my favorite cookies comes from the
kitchen, and grandma always comes to the door with a tray baked just for
me.  I always save one cookie for Taro-chan.  Mom says that dogs
shouldn't have the same cookies made for people, but I tasted a dog
biscuit once, and I think Taro-chan also likes grandma's cookies better.

Hmm. Not the greatest opening paragraph in the world, but it could be worse.


Even though I'm older now, I always feel like a little kid when I come
visit grandma.
Grandpa died a long time ago, and dad doesn't talk about his family
much.  I think it has something to do with his marrying mom, but I have
never found out why.  Every time I ask, everyone sighs, gets very
serious for a moment, and then they all tell me: "We'll tell you when
you are older, dear."  It is a little frustrating to have a big secret
always hanging over my head like that.

Adding something 'Secret' is better, as it at least arouses curiosity.


But today was not going to be a day for secrets, but for fun.  As you
remember, grandma called home a few days ago, and said she wanted to
talk to ME!  Not to mom or dad, or anyone else, but just to me.  She
said that it was something very important, and that it was something
only I could do!  Must be because I'm growing up.
I'm almost a high school student now.   Well, I'll be a high school
student as soon as I finish junior high, in two years.  But I'm very
responsible, and always get the best grades I can.  I'll try to be class
rep this year, if my best friend doesn't get it first.   Kaneko has been
my friend since we were little, and she is almost as smart as me, but I
look cuter in our school uniform.

Thoughts seem a little young for seventh grade, but eh.


Mom wanted to drop me off right after school, and said I'd spend the
whole day there.  Mom kept acting a little weird around me, ever since
the phone call.

For her sake, it'd better not be a 'Ceres' like situation. :)


I kept wondering if I would finally get to know the big secret?  I was
so excited, I was hardly able to pay attention in class, and the teacher
almost scolded me.  'Neko helped out by saying she didn't understand the
problem either, but I thought I'd still get in trouble with mom when she
came to pick me up to go to grandma's.
Well, guess what?  Mom didn't scold me for not paying attention in
class.  Instead, she kept telling me to be nice to grandma, pay
attention to what she says, and mind my manners.  I think mom's

Mom's

were no cookies.  Grandma said that today we'd do something else first,
and then we'd both make cookies later, together.  She said it'll be fun
to spend some time together doing something different.  It sure sounded
nice.  Grandma always knows a lot of fun things to do.  I asked her
once, where she learned all the fun things we do, and she told me "Well,
grandma knows a lot of things, but Taro-chan  thought you might like
doing something like this, so he told me all about it."  But that's
silly, because dogs can't talk, except on the movies or on TV, and dad
said that's 'movie magic.'   But mom says that there is no such thing as
magic, because magic tricks scare her.  She tries to pretend they don't,
but I can tell she doesn't like them, not even coin tricks.  I told
grandma that once, and I think I said something wrong because she got a
little sad for a while because of it.  She tried to smile and pretend
nothing was wrong, but I could tell.

Well, that seems a fairly good hint for the reader.


She told me she was taking him with us, and that we were all going to go
for a walk.  I never knew Taro-chan went for walks with grandma.  I
thought he always lived inside the house, but grandma says that
"Everyone needs to do some exercise regularly to stay healthy, even
Taro-chan."

Now if Taro-chan was a cat, this would be the exact opposite.


The park was nice.  It was a sunny day, and there were lots of nice
people around.  Grandma even let me walk Taro-chan around by myself for
a while, when she was tired and had to sit down on a bench for a while.
  Walking with Taro-chan is amazing!  He is sooo big, and his coat is
shiny black, and he must be the biggest dog in the world!

But can our speaker ride him like Chiyo can Tadakichi? :)

Good night!



As you said, an introductory thing that was exposition. I can't say I care
for the first person narrative since it sounds so childlike and would get
annoying fast. Still, not bad for an opening to an original.

DB Sommer



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'