First of all, I will say 2 things: 1) I haven't read or watched any Ranma
1/2 in a very, very long time. Fortunately, that doesn't seem to be a
problem for this prologue, but for future reference should I follow and
continue to C&C future postings while I'm not drowned by my own feeble
attempts to get my own writing projects started *sigh*... anyway... and 2) I
haven't read anything of yours other than this so I cannot comment knowing
what happened in future episodes you have written.
*****
"Amaterasu," the demon snarled. "It has been a while." He laughed a foul
laugh, the stench spread from his mouth as the rancid breath caused flowers
to wilt around him. His corrupt smile betrayed the rows of jagged teeth,
usually hidden from those who would look-- until it was too late.
-------------------
Foul laugh does sound wierd, noting from the other C&Cs you recieved. I will
add some thoughts here as well. Also rancid, to me at least, implies a
certain amount of stench. I think you might be able to cut out that part and
keep your desired effect.
Suggestion: "Amaterasu," the demon snarled, "it has been a while." He
laughed malevolently. Flowers shriveled black as his rancid breath spread
from his mouth....
-------------------
Amaterasu raised a hand into the air, taking in her surrounding. "We won't
be defeated that easily, Rogi," she said, her golden hair flowing in the
wind. Around her was the site of a battle. Desperate and long. Few were
still alive. Even fewer were able to stand, but those who could stood behind
their goddess, focused only on fighting against the demon and his legion.
-----------------------
First of all: *surroundings*
Secondly: I would suggest describing those surroundings before she talks. I
would also take into account which point of view you are using here. If its
3rd person omniscent, I would include some thoughts of Amaterasu and why she
thinks they won't be defeated that easily. Is she confident? Are her
followers in high morale? etc, etc.
-----------------------------
Rogi cracked another smile. "Perhaps," he said. "But perhaps I need only
the power to consue you, Goddess." He let his smile grow further. "You are
far from your realm. You are weakened. I still have my strength. There is
nothing you could do to overwhelm me." He then broke out in shrill laughter,
and began to step towards Amaterasu. Every surviving soldier then launched
themselves into heated battle.
----------------------------
1: ... power to *consume* you ...
2: "He let his smile grow further" indicates to me that he doesn't want it
to, but will let it for now. It also sounds a bit wordy. I would suggest:
His smile broadened.
3: And just to reiterrate from a preious response... "There *was* nothing
you could do..." or "There is nothing you *can* do...." Overwhelm does sound
rather wierd. Does Amaterasu *have* to overwhelm him? A simple victory
should be more than adequate....
-------------------------------
Suddenly, Rogi was pushed back. "Damn meddler!" he exclaimed. "You have no
right to interfere, Fei Liang! I won the trial-- this is between me and the
Ohmikami!"
------------------------------
'he exclaimed' is unnecessary. We can see that he exclaimed that by the
exclamation point =)
------------------------------
Slowly, she raised into the air, levitating.
------------------------------
Suggestion: Slowly, she rose into the air.
Raised, if I remeber correctly, requires a direct object. I raised the flag
on the flagpole. I raised the bookshelf. She rose into the air.
-------------------------------
Suddenly, the entire valley erupted in a bright flash that could be seen
for many miles. Fei Liang, Taoist God of Winds, even needed a moment to
clear his vision.
-------------------------------
Ok, I wasn't going to voice a concern over this, because as much as I hate
religious debate, I would hate even more to spawn one on the FFML.
Amaterasu is a Shinto goddess, if I remeber from my Japanese soceity class,
the Japanese wanted to make sure that Shinto was considered the national
religion of Japan to protect it from Christianity and from being overrun by
western influence and ideas early on, thus Shinto and Taoism should not be
the same thing with different names. The references Amaterasu makes to Tao
and the Taoist god here just made me do some double taking. Perhaps your
omniscent narrator could fill in some gaps =)
If anyone wishes to correct me on this subject, please feel free, but do so
privately.
-------------------------------
And with that, Fei Liang, and the injured boy, turned away, and started to
leave the valley. The valley remained hidden from the clouded eyes of man
for many years to come.
-------------------------------
Hmmmm... After reading this a couple of times, I have to admit that I think
your first responder has a point.
If all men have clouded eyes, then why does the valley need to be hidden? It
could easily remain unseen. Yet, if the valley is hidden or consealed in
some way, that means not all men have clouded eyes.
Not that I don't like it or think its horrible, but I'm really not sure how
to comment on it. I'm not sure how it ties into the Ranmaverse, though I can
surely guess, but the prologue doesn't seem to lead anywhere. Now, perhaps
you tie your first chapter to the prologue, in which case, that would be
fine, but as I said, I haven't read anything past this, so I cannot know
these things ^^;
In any case, don't get discouraged. I've already tried to start my project
about 20 times and ended up ditching the whole thing after writing 20 pages
or so... *sigh* ^^;;;
Wes/SD
----
Author's Notes:
Yeah, I'm planning on rewriting this one. I took it in a direction I wasn't
prepared to handle, (Too many characters) and there was no way I could have
dealt with it. I will be keeping a few choice characters, but I'll be taking
out some of the extra, unneeded ones.
For a comparison, feel free to check out the original at:
http://www.nabiki.com/tydi-oh-ki
As always, C&C&E(in).
Comment & Critisize & Encourage.... If necessary.
Peace!
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