Hiya,

Well, guess I can't very well complain about the lack of C&C on the list 
without providing some myself... it's been a while, so I might be a bit 
rusty.  As always, take whatever I suggest as just that: a suggestion.  It's 
your story, and who the hell am I to tell you how to write it?

	"Amaterasu," the demon snarled. "It has been a while." He laughed a foul
laugh, the stench spread from his mouth as the rancid breath caused flowers
to wilt around him. His corrupt smile betrayed the rows of jagged teeth,
usually hidden from those who would look-- until it was too late.

Alirghty, just a few things.  'He laughed a foul laugh' sounds a bit odd to 
me; even, 'he laughed fouly' seems a bit off.  What's a foul laugh?  Is it 
sinister, dark, lewd?  Also, you've spliced two clauses together there: 'he 
laughed a foul laugh' and 'the stench...wilt around him' can each stand on 
its own.  And 'the rancid breath' sounds like it removes it from Rogi; why 
not 'his' or 'its' breath?  FInally... flowers?  In the middle of a 
battlefield after a 'desperate and long' combat?

Yikes.  Sorry, a bit pickier than expected--it's been awhile, so maybe I'm 
being a little keen.  I guess I'm suggesting something like:

"Ameterasu," the demon snarled.  "It has been a while."  He laughed, and a 
foul stench spread from his mouth, wilting the few flowers left untrampled 
by the combat.  His corrupt smile...

Or whatever.

	Rogi cracked another smile. "Perhaps," he said. "But perhaps I need only
the power to consue you, Goddess." He let his smile grow further. "You are
far from your realm. You are weakened. I still have my strength. There is
nothing you could do to overwhelm me." He then broke out in shrill 
laughter,
and began to step towards Amaterasu. Every surviving soldier then launched
themselves into heated battle.

Small typo: 'the power to _consume_ you.'  Also, 'There is nothing you could 
do to overwhelm me' sounds weird, since it comments on the past... either, 
"There _was_ nothing you could do to overwhelm me', or 'There is nothing you 
_can_ do to overwhelm me'.  Overwhelm is an odd choice, though.  Stop, 
defeat, maybe?

	"Oh?" Rogi exclaimed. "Is that so? What do you hope to achieve with this
show of force? I can hold my ground for days, but even gods grow weary
eventually, Fei Liang!"

"I can hold my ground for days" sounds to me like he grows weary pretty 
qucikly himself.  If that's what you want to suggest--unconsciously ironic, 
maybe--then that's cool.  Otherwise, I'd suggest something like "I can hold 
my ground for days... can you?" or "I can hold my ground for an eternity, 
but even gods grow weary eventually, Fei Liang"... or, I dunno, something, I 
guess.  Remember, just my suggestion, and feel free to ignore if you want.

	Finally, she stopped chanting, and opened her eyes. Slowly, she raised 
into
the air, levitating. Her golden hair flowed in every direction, heedless of

You could probably drop the 'levitating'.  After all, that's what you just 
described with 'slowly, she raised into the air'.

	And with that, Fei Liang, and the injured boy, turned away, and started to
leave the valley. The valley remained hidden from the clouded eyes of man
for many years to come.

Hmm, an interesting beginning, though it feels a bit Sailor Moon-ish to me, 
what with an evil beasty and its generals being cast into the future and 
all.

Comment & Critisize & Encourage.... If necessary.

Well... uh, I guess I didn't encourage much.  Not terribly good at that, 
just at picking on the bits I had trouble with.  So I'll repeat what I said 
at first: feel free to ignore me, after all, it's your story and what do I 
know?  Good luck with your story (or the rewrite of your story).

-Mike Noakes

e-mail: noakes_m@hotmail.com
homepage: http://www.geocities.com/noakes_m
blog!: http://noakes.blogspot.com

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