On Feb 2, 2004, at 7:21 PM, Roehl Sybing wrote:

I would suggest "Moloch", but Allen Ginsberg beat you to it by about 
four
decades. :)

Once again, my C&C doesn't include grammar/spelling unless you ask, 
only to
say that many things need to fix in terms of the technical aspects.

Alrighty.

Cronikle City was no exception and one side of it's tallest tower was
a huge TV, broadcasting the news from Channel seventy-five, which also
happened to be in the building. The newcaster was literally, a talking
head, a computer generated person crafted to appeal to as many people
as possible, reading off the news in crisp, brisk tones, attempting to
hold on to the ever decreasing attention span of the average viewer.

Thus...

"And in national news today, clean-up efforts continue in Neo New
Crystal City following its destruction by gravbomb during efforts by
the Hero Legion to recapture Metaterrorist Bolshavar. Bolshavar had
threatened the destrucution of the Eastern Coast with a massive tidal
wave and reportedly commiteded suicide rather then be captured by
Legion members.

The Legion also announced that Jagged Edge, a former partner of Legion
leader and founder Golden Gaurdian and current protector of Cronikle
City, was killed in the battle. Jagged Edge was a founding member of
Team Sentinel and considered one of the Legion's most powerful 
members.
In a statement at Legion headqaurters Geneva, Legion second in command
Cassandra paid tribute to the fallen hero."

Reading this, it doesn't sound like the newscaster is very appealing.  
I'm a
news junkie, but I think of the network newscasters as very dull and
straightforward, as they are supposed to be.  A viewer-friendly 
newsreader,
to my mind, would be someone from one of those tabloid newscasts or
entertainment news shows, the kind of person that would sex up the 
news for
mass appeal, taking advantage of every word to draw the viewer in.

I was going more for the crisp, brisk tones of how it read off the 
newscast. It's only appealing in the visual sense--I'll fix that.

It sounds like there are better markets out there, despite the Jovian
Steroids sounding like the best thing to ever happen to a junkie.  
Addicts
are always there, especially if slums described afterwards aren't 
adequately
enforced by whatever authorities exist, unless something has changed 
from
one day to the next, in which case it isn't mentioned when it should 
be.

Oh yes, much better markets. But, there's a reason James is where he is.

"Lonley again?" she asked him with a small smile.

James shrugged and started prying at the fasteners with the bar. "I
like work by someone who takes pride in what they do."

She laughed at that. "It wasn't my first choice."

"Neither was my current profession," James said bitterly as he went to
work on the strap around her waist. There was a flash of golden light
and James' ribs felt like they'd been hit with a sledgehammer. He
collapsed on Marla's lap. The toes of his boots dragged along the ramp
and then he was falling.

This is starting to remind me of Leaving Las Vegas. :)

Never saw it.

Alright, you got my attention.  The only thing that jumps out at me is 
the
prospective romance between the two current protagonists, as the 
action part
of this story is well-buried after the first scene.  Thus, can't give 
you a
better title until I read more.

Nope. No romance there. Friendship, yes. Romance? Not a chance.

-Steve "Komodo" T.
http://www.geocities.com/studio_pc_hub/



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