--- David Smith <dsmith@datasync.com> wrote:

Thursday, January 29, 2004, 5:10:37 PM, Adrian
wrote:

"That is what they say, but you are a businessman.
You know that is not what they mean."  Hikaru

sighed,

staring into the same infinite depth.  "I've

studied

the lives of my favorite authors.  It takes a lot

more

than just writing to make good money as a writer.
Some of it's luck, some of it's business skill. 

But

it's not me.  I'm a pilot first, anime fan second.

 My

duty and my professional pride are in the cockpit

of

an Aestivalis.  I write to fulfill my spirit, not

to

keep it joined to my body.  Which means I take it

easy

when I write, even if that means taking

shortcuts."

This was the only paragraph that I felt was really
weak.  It felt like
Hikaru stopped talking and started reading a
prepared speech.

I was trying to portray a bit of a shift in attitude,
to show this was something Hikaru had asked herself -
so, yes, it would be something like a prepared speech.
Did I overdo it?

I also
think there's got to be a better choice of phrase
than "fulfill my
spirit", which feels wrong.  A spirit isn't a
contract or obligation
that can be fulfilled, though actions can be
fulfilling.

Hmm.  I think I see your point, but it comes off a
slightly different meaning of spirit than I'd
intended.  This "spirit" is as in "life", i.e. when
one does actions that lead to a fulfilled life, one
also fulfills that life.

"I see."

"I suppose I'll never be the next Kia Asamiya. 

But

I'd rather fight to save the Earth - including

whoever

down there *is* the next Kia Asamiya.  It's awful

hard

to write when you're dead, and even if you could,
who'd be left to appreciate it?"

"Good point."

The above three paragraphs would be better if there
was a bit more
physical description about Hikaru and Prospector's
actions to go along
with the conversation.  After the long speech, it
was a bit like being
left in the void with no reference point, just a
couple talking heads.

Yeah, that's definitely something I need to work on:
many writings of late have devolved into dialogue
without much action.

"Did they want him to co-author their stories too?
Sorry, but I asked first.  They'll just have to

wait."

Would probably end it with an exclamation point.  As
it is, it's possible
to read it with Hikaru's normal enthusiasm, but it's
not the first thing
that comes to mind, instead falling a bit on the
flat side.
Alternatively, add in physical actions, such as her
bouncing ahead to
the mess hall.

Both, probably.

Thanks for the C&C.

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