Scott Jamison wrote:

In summary, not really a very interesting chapter; way too much time
spent on Eiko being superior and Ranma upgrading.  Not nearly enough
time spent on consequences.

<shakes head>  You kids these days and your instant gratification...

<grin>

Scott, let me guess -- you prefer short stories to novels, right?
"Relatively Absent" looks to be a fair-sized epic; and in works that
size, there are things called "laying foundations", "foreshadowing"
and "establishment".  Using these, you put all your cards out on the
table where people think they can see what you're doing, and then,
later, you rearrange them into surprising patterns.  You don't just
dump the causes and consequences all together in the first chapter.
I've seen way, way too many fics here and elsewhere on the Net where
an inexperienced or simply incompetent author tried to tell everything
in the first 25 paragraphs of what was intended to be a novel-length
tale.  As a result, those stories all stunk.

What Mark is doing is setting up development, change and growth.  And
if my guess is correct, it's going to come at the cost of time, pain
and loss.  You want all that in the first 100K?  You're not going to
get it.  At least not in the way that Mark wants to tell it.  And it's
*his* story.  He gets to choose the pacing.  You want a faster read
with a quicker payoff?  Stick to shorter stories.

Mark, as you may guess from my notes above, I think you're doing a
fine job with "Relatively Absent".  As a published, professional
writer with eight novel-sized works (two of them actually fiction!)
under my belt, it is my "expert" opinion that you are, so far,
handling your pacing just right.  It's very easy to fall into the
Robert Jordan/Terry Goodkind 500,000-words-and-nothing-happens trap,
but you are nimbly avoiding its snares.  Despite Scott's impatience,
there is already development and growth -- your story is far from
stagnant, and it's engaging and absorbing.  (So much so that I've
been visiting your website three and four times a week looking for
something, anything new!  <grin>)

I will admit, though, that I am also having a little trouble keeping
all the members of the Legion of Ninja-Cousins straight.  I'm not
sure what to advise here; I mean, in thinking about it, I find that I
can call up all manner of good character detail about them -- but I
can't hang specific names on the characters who emerge in my memory.
I can't recall if Harukichi is the redhead is the bookworm is the
lesbian is the one who wants the nice earrings...  If I could offer
some kind of subtle mnemonic device that could help the reader make
associations, I would.  But I have none.

Maybe it's because we almost always see them as a group that I tend
to think of them as a collective entity.  Maybe a couple more
individual scenes with solitary character establishment will help
the reader keep them distinct in their minds.

In any case, whatever you do, I'm sure it's going to turn out quite
well.  I'm greatly looking forward to seeing what happens.

-- Bob

===============================================================================
Robert M. Schroeck          rms@eclipse.net         http://www.eclipse.net/~rms
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Please to remember
Eleven September --
Hijack, destruction and plot.
Our outraged reaction
To terrorist action
Should never be forgot.
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