At 07:49 PM 1/29/2004 -0500, Roehl Sybing wrote:
"And away we go" - Barry Davies, BBC Sport
Gentlemen, we have ignition. :p
Eiko was reasonably certain Ranma's psyche would remain in her
subconscious bastion as long as it continued to occupy the neural
pathways of her consciousness, as *any* foreign intelligence present
would most likely be considered hostile under the present conditions.
This was quite fortunate, as a majority of the neural damage was
centered in the girl's language processing region - both Broca's and
Wernicke's modules had been virtually destroyed and a significant
portion of the various interconnecting fasciculi were burnt out due to
severe localized overloading. If her psyche were to reintegrate with
her conscious mind now, she would experience the effects of global
aphasia. This would significantly hamper the task of damage repair.
Ditch "bastion" and replace it with something else - because let's face it,
we got really big words in this paragraph _specifically_ related to
neuroscience and the one that's not like the other is the word that
resembles the name of a fortress, or that kid from Neverending Story - and
you got a winner.
You'll have to give me a specific suggestion, because I can't believe that
you are suggestion I stop using the rest of the English language once I
start including technical jargon in a scene. If you go back up to the first
paragraph of this scene block, you will find:
... but not before it had forced the youngster's core psyche deep
into a staunchly barricaded region of her subconscious. ...
"staunchly barricaded region"
Oxford American Dictionary:
bas-tion (bas'-chon) n.
1. a projecting part of a fortification.
2. a fortified place near hostile territory.
3. something serving as a stronghold, "a bastion of democracy".
Hmm. Seems like 2. (and 3.) *exactly* defines the meaning I intended at
that point of the sentence, so I find your objection to its usage quite
puzzling.
The cat's immediate response was to plant her face firmly into the
carpet.
Not exactly the cartoon-ish response I have pictured in my head, but
alright.
I have actually tried *really* hard to avoid using "sweatdrop" and
"faceplant" in this story. This was one of the few places that I felt is
was justified.
Usagi's eyes bugged out. "... that long ..."
"Yes, dear. You must have noticed I've been much more tolerant of your
poor grades this school year."
:D
[snip]
This is funny, I really like the one-liners and overall comedy of the scene,
but it is getting just a wee bit too drawn out for my tastes. It's
basically a page and a half - eyeball estimate - of Ikuko doing standup. We
get the picture, you got full points out of it, but much of it is icing on
top of a nicely-layered cake, so let's move on.
Well, there's a bit more to it in here than you are observing. Most of the
information Ikuko imparts here is necessary setup for scenes later on down
the road, so the only "filler" I can see to cut is the very comedy you so
enjoyed.
She shook her head and glowered even harder. The world had avoided
catastrophe by the narrowest of margins, and none of them could count
on being that lucky the next time disaster struck.
I don't know about that, they seem to be doing pretty well so far. :)
"Eiko?"
{{Yes, Ranma?}}
"If that's what you think of as 'slightly painful', I'm not sure I
really want to know what you consider to be 'really hurts'."
I checked twice, and I still might not have seen it, but Eiko did not say
the words "slightly painful." Just chop off the quotes or another
word/phrase that was said. Don't use single quotes for "really hurts"
either. That is Ranma saying it.
Eiko did indeed use the term "slightly painful" in the previous chapter,
and Jay Kominek nailed the usage reasoning in his response.
Ranma's world turned inside out. A tsunami of power flooded into her
being, and for a brief gloriously *horrible* moment she became one with
all of eternity.
She didn't hear herself scream.
So...painful would be an understatement, right? :)
Totally overwhelming is more like it. Also, note that Eiko is turning out
to be a linguistic precisionist in its conversations with its Guardian, and
those particular comments were made *before* Ranma had fully bonded to the
Artifact.
"Well, it was certainly fun while it lasted," Nabiki quipped. She hit
the eject button of the VCR and withdrew its precious cargo. With a
little creative editing she could string Kuno along for several weeks
before the entertainment value finally ran its course. Well, at least
all the way up to Graduation Day.
Didn't think Kuno had that much value. :D
He probably doesn't, but Nabiki is *good*.
"Mother, give me strength," she prayed with a hoarse whisper. Without
knowledge or conscious effort her soul extended past the chi-flows of
Tendo-ke and out to the natural world at large. A feeling of utter
serenity filled her being and with it came the calm renewal of
springtime and the hope of a new beginning. She was the anchor, the
rock amidst the storms of winter - and she would NOT fail her family.
Kasumi gave silent thanks to her ancestors and turned back to the
routines of the day.
A very accurate capture of Kasumi. Good.
Thanks you, I agree. Not all readers do, however. :)
--------------------
--- Elsewhere ---
Ranma clutched her right hand over her chest and worked to slow her
racing heartbeat. That had been ... had been ... well, the experience was
literally indescribable, but whatever it was Ranma knew she never
*ever* wanted to go through it again. It took her a few moments to stop
her shuddering and regain her composure.
"Eiko?"
{{Yes, Ranma?}}
"You have a positive gift for understatement, you know that?"
[snip]
{{That is not technically accurate, Ranma. It is not possible for me to
forget. My active data store can, however, be subject to a small amount
of random fluctuation and corruption due to various causes.}}
[snip]
Ranma took a deep breath. "This had better work. Khronos Guardian
Power, Make Up!" She shook her head. "Man, I can't be...WHAAAAAA..."
THAT'S what we've been waiting for!
The entire set up of the scene to this point read like an instruction
manual. If that's the way it must be, so be it, but my feeling is it can be
pared down somewhat.
Much of the description afterwards is fine, but also just a bit too lengthy.
Written word is not like motion, but it must in part simulate the pace of
motion. On the flip side, you've said everything you've wanted to say, and
sometimes it's better to overshoot than otherwise.
Actually, I think you will find it *does* simulate the pace of the story's
motion in this part. Surely you have noticed by now that Eiko prefers
ponderously pontificating points <g>. That *is* in its character - Ranma
noted this himself several chapters back when he mentally compared Eiko to
his Furinkan physics professor.
I'm going to have to get used to this new Ranma, though... ^_^;
Hey, *Ranma* is going to have to get used to the new Ranma as well! :p
============================================================
Mark Shurtleff
email: gaijin@sfcmd.com
irc alias: Gaijin -or- togashi_gaijin
fanfiction homepage: http://www.sfcmd.com/fanfic
============================================================
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