[snip first scene]
Eiko cut the link with a satisfied smirk before Crystal could respond
any further.
Dialogue's fine, better than fine, actually. If you can, find some other
notation than the * to denote who is speaking besides Eiko.
Ranma opened her eyes again. She had arrived at the location she had
*intended* to go to in the first place, which was next to the large
maple tree outside her window at Yamada-ke. She breathed a sigh of
relief.
[snip]
{{Precisely.}}
My gripe has been discussed in the first half. Plenty of room to economize
without leaving out details. Otherwise, this is fine.
Ranma smirked. "I guess I was pretty accurate calling you 'P-chan',
huh?" Her face turned hard. "Hey, don't go blaming me for *your*
mistakes. I already told you I didn't exactly ask for this gig, and
it's your own damned fault you lost your job as Guardian anyway."
"No," Sailor Pluto shook her head. "NO! I will NOT allow it! I *am* the
guardian of the Gates of Time. I *must* be. DEAD SCRE...*erk!*."
Pluto was stunned - an iron grip had clamped itself around her throat
faster than a thought and she stared bug-eyed into the two luminous
blue orbs in front of her. The girl's eyes held no compassion
whatsoever.
Quite satisfying. :)
{{Is there something wrong, Ranma?}}
"Eiko, when I turn back to normal, I'm supposed to end up exactly the
way I was before the transformation, right?"
{{That is correct.}}
"Are you sure you haven't 'forgotten' something again?"
{{Quite certain, Ranma. The detransformation sequence is a reasonably
straightforward reversal of the Guardian transformation magic.}}
Ranma reached behind her and grabbed a large lock of hair. When she
pulled it around in front of her she saw red, both figuratively and
literally. "THEN WHY DO I STILL HAVE THE FRICKING HAIR?!?"
Interesting.
Setsuna was also quite irritated over her sudden lack of mobility. She
had detransformed almost immediately after Khronos departed - none of
the senshi could afford to bring undue attention to their civilian
identities - and it had taken her entirely too long to walk from the
shrine to the center of town before she was able to locate a public
phone. She was just beginning to realize how much she took her ability
to teleport for granted, and its absence almost felt as if a portion of
her own being had been torn asunder.
The loss of her subspace storage had been another extremely unpleasant
discovery. The small subspace pocket with her purse and cell phone was
still accessible, but the larger storage space with all of her
alternate outfits and equipment had simply vanished. What she had been
left with was the business suit and heels she had been wearing the last
time she had transformed, and the outfit was *not* suitable for the
brisk Tokyo night.
She was *cold*, dammit!
This is a very important piece of text about Setsuna. Funny, and still very
important, to my mind.
Don't have many comments for this half. This is fine, you are far more
meticulous in your writing than I am. Small technical errors, but I will
leave you to weed out the grammar and spelling (I'm more of a big think guy,
more on substance and less on form, that's what spellcheck and grammatik are
for). Will wait for more.
---
Roehl Sybing
The musings of an ordinary boy, turned into reality: infiniteDeferral -
http://www.infinitedeferral.com/
For every endeavor of the human spirit: NewsNetLink -
http://www.infinitedeferral.com/newsnetlink/
"If you got no one, and I got no place to go,
Would it be alright? Could it be alright?"
- Green Day, Scattered
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