Hello,
Start with an easy one.
Overall enjoyable, and more appropriately presented than the general
arguments. Nice tidbit at the end.
Thursday, January 29, 2004, 5:10:37 PM, Adrian wrote:
"Hiding in your Aestivalis again, Ms. Amano?"
<snip>
"I've seen some of the works you've posted online.
They're quite good, although you do tend to follow
certain formulas."
She blushed. "Thanks. I've got some more, unfinished
stories if you want."
"I rarely have that much leisure time, but thank you
for offering." He stared off down the corridor, as if
looking into the infinitely deep maw of a Chulip.
"But I do wonder. Why did a writer of your caliber
choose to become a pilot? You're a good pilot, but I
know some anime producers who say they would write
blank checks for scripts half as good as what you
write for free."
"That is what they say, but you are a businessman.
You know that is not what they mean." Hikaru sighed,
staring into the same infinite depth. "I've studied
the lives of my favorite authors. It takes a lot more
than just writing to make good money as a writer.
Some of it's luck, some of it's business skill. But
it's not me. I'm a pilot first, anime fan second. My
duty and my professional pride are in the cockpit of
an Aestivalis. I write to fulfill my spirit, not to
keep it joined to my body. Which means I take it easy
when I write, even if that means taking shortcuts."
This was the only paragraph that I felt was really weak. It felt like
Hikaru stopped talking and started reading a prepared speech. I also
think there's got to be a better choice of phrase than "fulfill my
spirit", which feels wrong. A spirit isn't a contract or obligation
that can be fulfilled, though actions can be fulfilling.
"I see."
"I suppose I'll never be the next Kia Asamiya. But
I'd rather fight to save the Earth - including whoever
down there *is* the next Kia Asamiya. It's awful hard
to write when you're dead, and even if you could,
who'd be left to appreciate it?"
"Good point."
The above three paragraphs would be better if there was a bit more
physical description about Hikaru and Prospector's actions to go along
with the conversation. After the long speech, it was a bit like being
left in the void with no reference point, just a couple talking heads.
"Besides, this way I get to spend time with Akito, in
a way no one will be jealous of."
Prospector nearly missed a step. "I was...unaware
you were contending for him."
"Who's contending? I proposed, he accepted."
"..." Potential damage figures, and secondary figures
from loss of morale, raced through his head. "You
know that several of the senior staff, especially
Yurika, will be most displeased to hear this."
"Did they want him to co-author their stories too?
Sorry, but I asked first. They'll just have to wait."
Would probably end it with an exclamation point. As it is, it's possible
to read it with Hikaru's normal enthusiasm, but it's not the first thing
that comes to mind, instead falling a bit on the flat side.
Alternatively, add in physical actions, such as her bouncing ahead to
the mess hall.