Subject: [FFML] [fanfiction][Kenshin]Remeberance and Renewal chapters 4 - 7

- *looks down, sees chapter three, not four* Are you counting your prologue 
as chapter 1?

       Now, despite many people's beliefs to the contrary, Tsubame had
been living in a well known kendo dojo for the last eleven years.
Though not practicing more than her husband, she DID get training from
him in basic self defense. Specifically, he had helped her with that
little Judo he acutally knew, and had drilled her in how to handle this
sort of situation. Due, more than likey to the shock of the moment (and
not this authors desire to watch Sano get tossed around by pretty
women.) her training in the Art kicked in, and, though nearly a head
taller than her, with years more experience, her pivoted righthanded
hipthrow caught Sano under his right wrist, transferred the motion of
his punch into momentum, and had him seeing the world upside down
before crashing to the ground heavily, stars in his eyes.

- Yay, judo. This part might have been more dramatic if she was still 
defenseless as ever, but I like the idea of her learning to defend herself. 
Anyone who hangs around Kenshin for any length of time needs it. (Not 
because of Kenshin, of course, but because of those who come after him.)

       By this time, Tsubame was looking at her arms like they were
from some great deep dark dungon. Suddenly she realized that SHE had

- dungeon

just taken Sagara Sanosuke... THE Sagara Sanosuke out with a simple hip
toss. Then, shocked, she realized that she had prolly just knocked one

- It's actually called a hip throw, but hip toss could work. And probably, 
not prolly.

       "Wel, that was a new one...." Sano though to himself before

- Well, and thought.

looking up at his... assailant. Straight black hair, quiet maroon eyes,
western style black unform dress that fell to her ankles... he should

- uniform.

know this girl, from somewhere. A memory long buried jogged to his
awareness. A shinai, a dark ally, a fight that Yahiko wouldn't lose for

- "jogged his awareness" sounds better to me, but I may be wrong about that.

a girl in a well work kimono...

- in a well work kimono? Do you mean work kimono?

       "Gomen gomen gomen gomen gomen gomen gomen nassai!!!!" Tsubame
chanted as she fell to her knees and bowed her head to the ground of

- Aww, poor girl. And, I believe nasai has only one s.

the cemetery at his feet. "You surprised me, and I didn't really think,
and Yahiko taught me, and oooh......" she said before prompty falling

- promptly

       "TSUBAME!!!!" Yahiko shouted, quickly attempting to close the
distance between his wife's assailant, his hand already reaching for
the sakabatou at his side.

       Though he practiced Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, and had a vow to never
kill, that didn't stopYahiko from dealing(?) out a great deal of pain

- dealing works. Or dishing, channeling, letting, "causing a great deal of 
pain"

Chapter Four

       Sano quickly came to the same conclusion that he had thousands
of times before. Women were Trouble. Always. Take for instance the fact
Tsubame had fainted without anything more than a "gomen gomen gomen."
Now, he was hauling her halfway across town, under the threat of a
thunderstorm, to somewhere he hopes she USED to work. Quietly sighing

- I think you should have put hoped instead of hopes, there, but I'm not 
sure.

surprise to him, when the man shifting his postion just slighly to the

- shifted

       Sano looked down at the fallen man, slightly who had slumped
over in his unconscious state. He could always remember trouble

- I think you mean "who had slumped over slightly in his .. "

following him around when he was younger, but this was just plan

- plain

       "Okay," Yahiko thought to himself, I am still dreaming. I can
not have my hands around another man's waist, cause I know Sano can't
be back in Tokyo. Therefore, whoever is over me must be impersonating
Sano to try to gain my trust, then slip a tanto in my back. Well, I

- Eh, that's a little far fetched, but okay.

       "Hooo boy... I have a feeling it's gonna be a long day......"
Yahiko muttered before nodding his head at his wife's suggestion.

- Hehe.

Chapter Four

- Careful, the last chapter was chapter four. This one would be chapter 5. 
So far, in this document, I've read three and four.

       Yahiko sighed in the face of his wife's gentle, but very
logical argument. He had over-reacted. Maybe it was the stress of
seeing what happened when husbands lost their wives. He realized he
would have to applogize to Sano. Damn he hated being wrong. He REALLY
being wrong and needing to be called to it by that roosterhead only

- You missed a word after REALLY

made matters worse. Oh well, he thought, there isn't much I can do.

       "Shinya, come out from behind there and get a broom to start
sweeping the courtyard with. Your mother has been trying to do it for
the last two weeks by herself, and I would imagine there are a few
spots that could be done again." Yahiko called out to where his son had
been trying to eavesdrop from behind the shoji leading to the kitchen.

       "Hai, tousan......" Shinya sheepishly replied, coming out from
his hiding spot. "But, Dad, is that the REAL Sano? the Sano that helped

- "Sano? The Sano that ... "

you and Ken-san fight Shishio, and beat up 500 men single handed?"

       "Yes, Shin-chan, it is." Yahiko replied, remembering all the

- it is," Yahiko replied

       Tsubame went quite pale. "Oh no...." she stated before rushing
off toward the gates... "Tae is gonna KILL me" was all that was heard
as she faded into the distance.

- Again, poor Tsubame. ^-^

doing two thousand strokes Kaoru beating on Kenshin with a bokken.

- two thousand strokes, Kaoru beating on

Kaoru beating on Kenshin with a pot, a spoon, a shinai... I was broken
out of my memory induced trance by the sound of someone walking up
behind me. Turning around, quickly, I quickly look at what Yahiko has

- I'd take out one of those instances of quickly, but it's up to you.

       "Oh come on, I didn't have my hands anywhere near her bre...."
I cut myself off quickly at seeing the mischif in Yahikos eyes.

- mischief

       "Oh, so now you're denying that my wife tossed you around like
a rag doll this morning?" Yahiko stated archly.

- He didn't actually deny that, though.

       "Oh, you know me. The road catches my attention, and I follow
it where it needs to take me." My stomach rumbles quietly, showing it's
annoyance at being ignored up until now. Laughing gently, Yahiko just
beckons me out of the door, and stopping in the dojo to tell the kid

- I'd put "to talk to the kid" but I think it could work this way too.

Chapter Five

       "You're kidding, three in one day." I trailed off as we

- Unsure about this one. Shouldn't that be a question, "three in one day?" ?

       "You OWE me, Sagara." The demon head seemed to go from deep
purple to nearly black. "One Hundred and Fifty THOUSAND yen, Sagara.
Pay up, get out, or I take it out on your hide RIGHT NOW!"

- Ooh, she's grown a backbone about that. Interesting. ^-^

       "Yahiko, dear, would you please get me the dried miso out of
the storage shed?" Tsubame called out of the kitchen. Quickly doing as
his wife asked, Yahiko returned with the small wooden container under
one arm, to be greeted to the sight of his wife wearing little more
than a short, gray yukuta and a smile.

- I can't remember what a yukuta is, but I'm assuming this is the equivalent 
to wearing an apron and a smile. :-)

       "Ugh. what the hell did you do that for Tsub." Yahiko trails
off as he notices someone towering above him, foot poised to crack his
skull. Rolling quickly, he slapped his right hand on the floor to pivot
from, and rotated his knee through a sharp arc, catching Sano's ankle
neatly, he droped him onto a patron smirking about the spectacle. This
caused the man to fall into the young couple sitting next to him to
lose balance, triping forward into the kitchen uncontrollably. Several
crashes and clatters later, loud cursing, followed by VERY angry and

- by a VERY angry

muttering Tsubame out of the kitchen just in time to see her husband

- Tsubame coming out of the

pick himself up off the floor. Miso soup was everywhere, people were
scattered, Sano and groaning as he tried to get up from the remains of
the table.

- I think you meant "Sano was groaning as he ... "

       "Oh, you know me. Traveling, moving around a lot. Doing what I
do best." I replied with a small grin.

- I do best," I replied.

       "Mooching, fighting, and chasing women in other words." Tae
said, approaching from the kitchen area with some maki sushi rolls.

- women in other words," Tae said.

       "Oi, I am not that bad! Jeez, like I have time to settle down
with anyone."

- I think Sano would say I'm, rather then I am, but up to you.

       "Megumi, for one." Tae said with a touch of anger.

- "Megumi, for one," Tae said. (I think you get the idea. If something in 
dilogue is followed by anything like Tae said, said Joe, Kerry replied, 
Susan asked, etc, then the period turns into a comma. But if it's followed 
by a new sentence, like ("Megumi, for one." A chill filled the room at the 
mention of her name.), then it's a period.)

       That brought me up short. Sister?? Here?? Oh. Crap.

- Aww, that's good, I'd like to see a reunion of those two.

       Wait. Little blon... oh no. Anyone, ANYTHING but her... I
decided that an explanation was in order, and quickly, before the
little monster found m...

- Oh, okay, not the real sister.

       "Sano-neechan!! I've looked all over for you, and I couldn't
find you, and you were gone when I woke up, and I couldn't get anyone

- Sano-niichan (or nichan, one of those) unless Sano's had a sex change. :-) 
Actually, I would advise that you take out the random Japanese from dialogue 
and such, but I know some people like that because it gives a certain feel. 
It can also confuse though who don't know Japanese that well, though.

to tell me where you went, so I started wandering, and I remember you
talking about your old friends in Tokyo, and how you needed to go there
someday, and that was so long ago! So I went searching for you, and I
got here, and there were these mean men, and Ken-neechan beat them up,

- Again, Ken-niichan. It actually might be niisan for those older, but that 
really depends on the speaker and how she feels about the person.

       "Yes, and she does seem to have quite an attachment to you."
Yahiko replied with a slight grin. "She wandered in about two months
ago, and was getting roughed up by a couple of local boys. Shinta came
through and stopped them, and she... as she put it, "adopted" him. Then
she asked about her other 'neechan' Sanosuke, and has been here ever

- niichan

since. It's been quite an experience for Shinta, let me tell you."

- Speaking of children, where is the son of Kaoru and Kenshin?

       It was a brawl for several minutes, until I heard a cry from
behind making me whirl quickly, forgetting a heavyset man with a

- forgetting the heavyset

       The first man that I had 'handled' had a large knife out, and
was holding Chisai's arm in a painful overhand grip whle he waved the

- grip while he waved

       The sound of yelling in the middle of the nigh brought Yahiko

- middle of the night


- Okay, although there were a lot of little mistakes, I did think it was a 
good read overall :-) I like the pairing of Yahiko and Tsubame, it fits 
pretty well.

- Denise


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