well,  atmosphere is nice.***

Yep.  I had this image of a largish bed covered in grey satin, with the
rest of the room less well lit, but I didn't write any of it in ^_^

***You should.  This is of course a case of pot calling kettles, but as I
have been told repeatedly, the devil's in the details.***

She is often ready to reconcile, so I shall see what is to be gained
in the morning.  With that (needs a comma here, as it's a pause)

 I turn out the light, move the book to a safer

spot, mark my place with a bit of paper, (and) go to sleep.

The comma splice is intentional ^_^

***Okay, but it's a bit jarring to read.***

 *** I would put  a bit more of B-ko's thoughts here.  something like a
thought about "hopeing she'll be willing to forgive me after all I've
done."
That sort of thing***

Yes, but that is a: melodramatic, and b: gives things away I don't want
to yet.

***gasp choke wheeze***

***When is B-Ko NOT melodramatic?  However I give the giving away part
credit.***

I stand ready as I have every school day for the last six weeks since
they came back into my life, still in my uniform this morning.  I
don't know
if this is the best course of action, in fact I fear it may be one of
the
worst, but. . .

***Again, dramatic tension is a be-atch, but a good story requires it.
 This
is just a bit short for my taste.  B-ko is about to take a step that
could
change her life forever, or ruin it.  She's got to have butterflies
the size
of clydesdales.  Make us feel it***

revised to:

        I stand ready as I have every school day for the last six weeks
since they came back into my life, still in my uniform this morning.  I
force my hands to stillness again, fold my arms to keep my fingers from
trembling.  I don't know if this is the best course of action, in fact I
fear it may be one of  the worst, but. . .

         There she is.

         Walking up to the gate, the sun glimmering in her hair while the
wind plays with it, laughing at something C-ko said.  That always has made
me jealous.  Her face is so, open, right now.  The knot in my guts twists
again.

Dou?

***Much better.  Personal perferences, I'd do  ( Her face is so... open...
right now.) but then again, I've been accused of melodramatic use of
ellipsis on occasion.***

Before I can reconsider (,)  I act, flinging myself into motion as
soon as
she is close enough that getting to her before she can move out of
the way
will not rip my uniform off.  No sense wasting the things, as they
are a

bit

of a pain to replace.

***I would reword this.  It took me three reads to figure out what the
action was.  That's twice too many.***

But that was why I liked that paragraph :(

         Before I can reconsider I act, flinging myself into motion as
soon as
she is close enough that it won't be easy for her to move out of the way
before I reach her.

just is much more blunt.

Okay, try this: (entire paragraph as I would edit it.)

Before I can reconsider, I act.  As she steps closer, I take a step, closing
the distance so she won't have time to react.  The move is unexpected.  She
was probably waiting for me to rip my uniform off again, but they are a pain
to replace, and the element of surprise was necessary.  She hesitates for
the second I need, then I am inside her guard, one hand around her back, the
other behind her head, my fingers twined in her long red hair before she
realizes I'm not attacking.  Instants later, I pull her  unresisting head
down to mine, and press my lips to hers.  She shifts, like she almost wants
to fight me off, then starts to respond to the kiss, her lips spreading
against mine.

***Intentional splices or not, sometimes the text needs to flow smoothly.
And I'm watching Project A-Ko at the moment , A-Ko has long hair.  C-Ko has
short. ; ) ***

Deities but that hurts.

***without getting into a theology debate, I think "Gods but that
hurt."
flows better.***

Yes, but Deities is more formal ^_^

***Humm.  I think you're streching a little there, but it is a matter of
artistic choice. either way it works.***

***Need to clarify here.  I can guess from the text that B-ko must of
ended
up flying when A-Ko pushed her away, but if so, exactly how did she
end up
face first on the road, instead of flat on her back?***

B-ko got shoved, but not thrown.

***the following scene does illustrate that she got pulled forward as A-Ko
pulls back, but that still leaves the question of how she cracked her ribs.
That takes far more impact than just falling forward.  B-Ko would basically
have to be pulled off her feet and fall to the ground from several feet up
to have a chance for that, and even then, a winding or bruising is more
likely.  Cracked ribs would be more likely if A-ko pushed her, since our
redheaded wundergirl has a hard time controlling her strength.  Now, having
been in several crashes, quite a few fights, and more than one fall, with
nary a cracked rib, and only one broken arm, I can vouch that bones are
pretty resiliant, and it takes alot of force to crack or break one.***

***Again, it's simply a matter of my nitpicking, feel free to tell me to go
to hell.***

***Oh, wait... I'm already in Florida.  Too late.***

        With a sudden gasp she tears herself away, throwing herself back,
making me quite glad I didn't have a firm grip on her hair, for she
pulled away fiercely enough that she would have ripped it out, or perhaps
broken my fingers.  I really almost wish I had the suit on.  No, make that
`It
would have been nice to have thought to design a set of modifications to the
suit such that I could have it half-on' since the fields would have kept my
ribs from cracking like that.  Deities but that hurts.

         ``B-ko!''  A-ko's voice sounds from just in front of where I
have my face pressed to the asphault, indicating she has dropped to her
knees,
and is probably hovering with her hands just off me.  I force myself to sit
up,
brushing my back across her hands as I do so.  Good, it seems only a
couple ribs are damaged, but my knees aren't pleased by my falling on them.

        ``Are you OK?''

        ``I didn't have my suit on, what do you think?'' I snap, then
reconsider, manage a smile, ``Pretty good,''  I feel gently at my chest,
``Only a couple ribs cracked.  The suit doesn't provide much protection
when the fields are off, though.''

         She looks pained.  I feel a small smile flow onto my lips,
``They'll be fine.''

         She holds out a cautious hand, ``I didn't think, sorry.  Let me
help you up.''

I nod, let her help me to the infirmary, sure that I would enjoy
this a whole lot more if my ribs weren't aching like they are.  Even so
it is nice to feel her hands with a bit less force behind them than usual.
They feel so nice, so strong and caring, instead of just strong.  I wish. .


***Better***

***

I knod to Ayumi-sensei as I walk into class, take my seat before going
back to my thoughts of the day before.  How could I have done that to

myself?

Even more importantly why had it taken so long for me to straighten
it out

in

my head?  I know how easy it is to turn lust for something into
something
else, but how did I turn (it into a) jealousy so intense that it left
me

weak in the

knees, that it (delete it)  made me come up with dozens of evil plots
to

get her out of the

picture some final way, so that she knows that she is suffering for
taking

my

friend away from me, into the all-consuming lust (use a different word

here.  I think hatred would be the best choice) of the last few weeks?
 Was

it that I was convinced that A-ko wanted it that way?  Or that I felt
sure

I

couldn't win her, and set out to sabotage the relationship before it
could
even begin?  Sadly the later course seems most likely.

I had to re-read it twice to remember what I wanted it to say, so :

         I knod to Ayumi-sensei as I walk into class, take my seat before
going back to my thoughts of the day before.  How could I have done that to
myself? Even more importantly why had it taken so long for me to straighten
it out in my head?  I know how easy it is to transmute lust, but how did I
turn jealousy so intense that it left me weak in the knees, that made me
come up with dozens of evil plots to get the frog-fearing friend-stealer out
of the picture some final way, so that she would know that she was suffering
for taking my friend away from me, into the all-consuming lust of the last
few weeks?  Was
it that I was convinced that A-ko wanted it that way?  Or that I felt sure I
couldn't win her, and set out to sabotage the relationship before it could
even begin?

Sadly the later course seems most likely.

is it less obfuscated that way?

***Humm.  To tell the truth, I'm not sure.  I have what I think you're
trying to write, and what you did write, and I'm not sure if my thoughts
match yours.

Let me phrase it the way I would, and see if our thoughts match.***


 I nod to Ayumi-sensei as I walk into class, and take my seat before going
back to my thoughts of the day before.  How could I have done that to
myself? Even more importantly, why had it taken so long for me to straighten
it out in my head?  I know how easy it is to transmute lust, but how did I
turn it into a jealousy so intense that it left me weak in the knees, that
made me come up with dozens of evil plots to get the frog-fearing
friend-stealer out of the picture some final way, so that she would know
that she was suffering for taking my friend away from me? How had I turned
that lust into the all-consuming hate of the last few weeks?  Was it that I
was convinced that A-ko wanted it that way?  Or was it that I felt sure I
couldn't win her, and set out to sabotage the relationship before it could
even begin?

Sadly the later course seems most likely.


***That is how I would phrase it.  I'm just not sure that's what you
actually meant.***

***I'd rephrase the bit about the eraser.  While in Japan they may be
called
dusters, B-Ko really isn't going to think it's a strange term***

`duster' is an Australian/British term, so far as I know, which is why
B-ko likes it ^^;


***Ah.  Then I'd either explain it, or drop it.  I missed it entirely, so
likely most of your audience did too.***

``B-ko, what is with you today?  I've never seen you get in this much
trouble before.''

***Humm.  a quote from thin air?  This is totally without a reference.
 I
assume from futher down this is C-Ko, but we need to know this.***

A-ko, actually.

``I've not been plotting today.  I hope that I've caught what I wanted
all along.  Have I, A-ko?''

***I'd add :  "what I wanted all along."  I give A-Ko a sidelong
glance.
"Have I, A-Ko?"***

        ``B-ko, what is with you today?  I've never seen you get in this
much trouble before,'' A-ko asks gently, reaching over to place one hand on
mine.

         ``I've not been plotting today.  I hope that I've caught what I
wanted all along.'' I smile at her, ``Have I, A-ko?''

***Much better.  Eliminates the confusion as to who's talking.  (though I do
have a vison of B-Ko's cronies cornering her to ask her this same question.)

A-ko. (replace . with ?)  A-ko just looks stunned.

It's a contemplative pause, not a questioning one.

***Understood.  It still reads better to me with a question mark***

After class, C-ko steps up to us, ``Y'all (wince... C-Ko is not a
southern

belle.  "You" is just fine)

Anata-tachi just doesn't feel the same as `you'.  `y'all' is closer.
'y'all all' is too much ^_^

`you two' is not too wrong ^_^

***"You two" would be perfect.  Being from Florida, I hear Y'all just way
too much.  It's grating.***

will take me on a date.  No

toads this time.  Maybe next, OK?''  She clasps her hands together in

front of

her, and smiles.

A-ko gibbers a little.  (I'd use blinks myself.)

I've also contemplated `faults', but a fault is more staged, whereas a
little gibber is just sorta quiet and big eyed, with lips trembling in
fear . . .

***Humm.  Visually, I think the whole shocked blink-blink with the squink
sound effects is more appropriate.***

Actually... I'm going to get some A-Ko reference material now.  and if
I
have your permission...

That's quite fine with me.

I may... Just may... Illustrate this story.  (no
promises... I've just got a few very vivid pitures in my head
demanding that
I draw them.)

Cool.  I'd like to see them, if you do anything you're willing to share.

And this is the eventual end the series just has to come to... it's
just
waaaaaaaaaaay to in character.

Yeah, what I'd seen of it at the time (all four, I think, and VS, but
I'm not sure) just flowed that way in my head.


***Humm.  Just got done looking at the original preproduction sketch book
for A-ko, and if I'm reading the info from the web site I found it on right,
it seems A-Ko started out in Creamy Lemon.  So it seems this is the CANON
way the story is supposed to end.  Go figure.***   ( www.gravitoncity.com )
(and you're lucky.  I've only seem the first two, and only own the first.)


***Now you realize, if I do decide to illustrate this, you're going to be
rather involved in art criticism, yes, no?***

(just fair warning.  DB's my next victim.  He's going to have to let me know
how a pic of the Furinkan High Combat Cheerleading Squad turned out. Then I
have to tear Larry away form watching anime to work on his site.  ; )  All
so that my current obsession with drawing manga can see the light of public
exposure...  *sigh*  That's the problem with being an artist.  It's
meaningless if no-one ever sees it.)

And once more, Thank you.  Much enjoying the conversation.

LSMcGill

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