On Tuesday, Jan 20, 2004, at 11:53 Asia/Seoul, LSMcGill wrote:

Okay.

^_^

Lancer takes a turn doing C&C.

Yay!

Why?

Because I love A-ko, B-ko and C-ko... if Ranma wasn't so many years 
earlier,
I'd have added them to Tears...

That shouldn't stop you . . .

There are several ways around that . . .

First off...

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU

You're very welcome ^_^

(btw did I mention I love Project A-ko?)

*** major commentary***

(in text modifications.)

       A Taste of Chalk

With a groan I flop the book over, setting it page-down on the pillow
as I think about the implications of what I just read.

***realize this is a short fic, but you're missing a good chance her 
to add
a little flavor to the story with some background detail.  a short
description of the room might be nice, at the very least let us know 
if our
hero is lying on a bed, louging on a couch etc.  As a huge fan of the 
scene
where B-ko is setting in her enormous bath contemplating C-ko... well,
atmosphere is nice.***

Yep.  I had this image of a largish bed covered in grey satin, with the 
rest of the room less well lit, but I didn't write any of it in ^_^

I'd taken C-ko's friendship to be a prize to be won, but hadn't
pursued it as such.  Instead I went after it like it was an object to 
be
captured, a zero-sum problem.

*** Which is exactly how B-ko goes after everything.  She is a lot like
Dexter that way.***

Heh.

How was I to know when I first met C-ko that she had been raised by
weird people, that she'd react that badly to Mariko-chan?  Even A-ko 
knows
frogs are cute.  So when C-ko reacted like that I didn't know what to 
do,
except blame A-ko for turning her against me.  A-ko isn't to blame, 
and I'd
have C-ko as a friend now if I hadn't alienated A-ko.

She is often ready to reconcile, so I shall see what is to be gained
in the morning.  With that (needs a comma here, as it's a pause)

 I turn out the light, move the book to a safer

spot, mark my place with a bit of paper, (and) go to sleep.

The comma splice is intentional ^_^

 *** I would put  a bit more of B-ko's thoughts here.  something like a
thought about "hopeing she'll be willing to forgive me after all I've 
done."
That sort of thing***

Yes, but that is a: melodramatic, and b: gives things away I don't want 
to yet.

I stand ready as I have every school day for the last six weeks since
they came back into my life, still in my uniform this morning.  I 
don't know
if this is the best course of action, in fact I fear it may be one of 
the
worst, but. . .

***Again, dramatic tension is a be-atch, but a good story requires it. 
 This
is just a bit short for my taste.  B-ko is about to take a step that 
could
change her life forever, or ruin it.  She's got to have butterflies 
the size
of clydesdales.  Make us feel it***

revised to:
        I stand ready as I have every school day for the last six weeks 
since
they came back into my life, still in my uniform this morning.  I force 
my hands to stillness again, fold my arms to keep my fingers from 
trembling.  I don't know
if this is the best course of action, in fact I fear it may be one of 
the
worst, but. . .

         There she is.

         Walking up to the gate, the sun glimmering in her hair while 
the wind
plays with it, laughing at something C-ko said.  That alway has made me
jealous.  Her face is so, open, right now.  The knot in my guts twists 
again.

Dou?

She is always so angry with me of late.  Not that I can really blame 
her, what
with the fact that I have been attacking her every morning just about 
since
she arrived in town.  She's so pretty when her eyes flash like that

Before I can reconsider (,)  I act, flinging myself into motion as 
soon as
she is close enough that getting to her before she can move out of 
the way
will not rip my uniform off.  No sense wasting the things, as they 
are a

bit

of a pain to replace.

***I would reword this.  It took me three reads to figure out what the
action was.  That's twice too many.***

But that was why I liked that paragraph :(

         Before I can reconsider I act, flinging myself into motion as 
soon as
she is close enough that it won't be easy for her to move out of the way
before I reach her.

just is much more blunt.

I am inside her guard, one hand around her back, the other across the
back of her head, my fingers twined about ("about" should be "in" her
short red hair (remove the comma) , before she

the whole middle is an apposative phrase describing `inside her guard' 
^^;

starts to clue in (clue in is too slangy for B-Ko.  I'd put: "before 
she

starts to realize what I'm doing.)  Instants later I pull her 
unresisting
head down to mine, (and)

another intentional splice.

press my lips to hers.  She shifts, like she almost wants to fight me 
off,
then starts to respond to the kiss, her lips spreading against mine.

With a sudden gasp she tears herself away, making me quite glad I
didn't have a firm grip on her hair, for she pulled away fiercely 
enough

that

she would have ripped it out, or perhaps broken my fingers.  I really

almost

wish I had the suit on.  No, make that `It would have been nice to 
have
thought to design a set of modifications to the suit such that I could

have it

half-on' since the fields would have kept my ribs from cracking like 
that.
Deities but that hurts.

***without getting into a theology debate, I think "Gods but that 
hurt."
flows better.***

Yes, but Deities is more formal ^_^

``B-ko!''  A-ko's voice sounds from just in front of where I have my
face pressed to the asphault, indicating she has dropped to her 
knees, and

is

probably hovering with her hands just off me.  I force myself to sit 
up,
brushing my back across her hands as I do so.  Good, it seems only a

couple

ribs are damaged.  ``Are you OK?''

***Need to clarify here.  I can guess from the text that B-ko must of 
ended
up flying when A-Ko pushed her away, but if so, exactly how did she 
end up
face first on the road, instead of flat on her back?***

B-ko got shoved, but not thrown.

        With a sudden gasp she tears herself away, throwing herself back,
making me quite glad I didn't have a firm grip on her hair, for she 
pulled
away fiercely enough that she would have ripped it out, or perhaps 
broken my
fingers.  I really almost wish I had the suit on.  No, make that `It 
would
have been nice to have thought to design a set of modifications to the 
suit
such that I could have it half-on' since the fields would have kept my 
ribs
from cracking like that.  Deities but that hurts.

         ``B-ko!''  A-ko's voice sounds from just in front of where I 
have my
face pressed to the asphault, indicating she has dropped to her knees, 
and is
probably hovering with her hands just off me.  I force myself to sit up,
brushing my back across her hands as I do so.  Good, it seems only a 
couple
ribs are damaged, but my knees aren't pleased by my falling on them.
``Are you OK?''

``I didn't have my suit on, what do you think?'' I snap, then
reconsider.  ``Pretty good, only a couple ribs cracked.  The suit 
doesn't
provide much protection when the fields are off, though.''  She looks

pained.

***Humm.  Try:
*****

"I didn't have my suit turned on!  What do you think?" I snap, then
reconsider and give her a weak smile.  "Pretty good I guess."  I feel 
about
my chest.  "Only a couple of ribs cracked.  The suit doesn't really 
provide
much protection when the feilds aren't active."

She looked pained.  I give her another smile, a shy one, as I murmur, 
"It
was worth it."

She hears me.  She blinks at me for a second before reaching out her 
hand
tenetively.

*****

         ``I didn't have my suit on, what do you think?'' I snap, then
reconsider, manage a smile, ``Pretty good,''  I feel gently at my chest,
``Only a couple ribs cracked.  The suit doesn't provide much protection 
when
the fields are off, though.''

         She looks pained.  I feel a small smile flow onto my lips, 
``They'll
be fine.''

         She holds out a cautious hand, ``I didn't think, sorry.  Let me 
help
you up.''

	I nod, let her help me to the infirmary, sure that I would enjoy
this a whole lot more if my ribs weren't aching like they are.  Even so 
it is
nicer to feel her hands with a bit less force behind them than usual.  
They
feel so nice, so strong and caring, instead of just strong.  I wish. . .

***I'd probably put a paragraph break between "Not now." and "We're 
not in
public though."  B-Ko's reconsidering her previous thought.***

Yep.

``Un, that's true.  You can't kiss me if you can't breathe.'' (break)

  She looks utterly appalled by that last sentance, a kind of `how 
could I have
said that!  she'll be angry with me' look.  I smile back, with a look 
that I
hope is reasuring. (reassuring)

Gotcha.

She kisses me quickly on the forehead, blushes, runs quickly out of
the room, leaving me to put my armor and uniform top back on by 
myself.
She
did a good job on my ribs, and I can manage without too much trouble. 
 It
would still be far easier with her to help.  (couple of tense shifts 
here.
try to keep the tense consistant.)

I poked it:
	She kisses me quickly on the forehead, blushes, runs quickly out of
the room, leaving me to put my armor and uniform top back on by myself.

         She did a good job on my ribs, and I manage without too much 
trouble.
It still would have been far easier with her to help.

***

I knod to Ayumi-sensei as I walk into class, take my seat before going
back to my thoughts of the day before.  How could I have done that to

myself?

Even more importantly why had it taken so long for me to straighten 
it out

in

my head?  I know how easy it is to turn lust for something into 
something
else, but how did I turn (it into a) jealousy so intense that it left 
me

weak in the

knees, that it (delete it)  made me come up with dozens of evil plots 
to

get her out of the

picture some final way, so that she knows that she is suffering for 
taking

my

friend away from me, into the all-consuming lust (use a different word

here.  I think hatred would be the best choice) of the last few weeks? 
 Was

it that I was convinced that A-ko wanted it that way?  Or that I felt 
sure

I

couldn't win her, and set out to sabotage the relationship before it 
could
even begin?  Sadly the later course seems most likely.

I had to re-read it twice to remember what I wanted it to say, so :

         I knod to Ayumi-sensei as I walk into class, take my seat 
before going
back to my thoughts of the day before.  How could I have done that to 
myself?
Even more importantly why had it taken so long for me to straighten it 
out in
my head?  I know how easy it is to transmute lust, but how did I turn 
jealousy
so intense that it left me weak in the knees, that made me come up with 
dozens
of evil plots to get the frog-fearing friend-stealer out of the picture 
some
final way, so that she would know that she was suffering for taking my 
friend
away from me, into the all-consuming lust of the last few weeks?  Was 
it that
I was convinced that A-ko wanted it that way?  Or that I felt sure I 
couldn't
win her, and set out to sabotage the relationship before it could even 
begin?
Sadly the later course seems most likely.

is it less obfuscated that way?

``A-ko chan, would you come for a walk with me after school?  I feel
that I need to talk to you about this morning.   B-ko.''  Not the best

note

I've ever written, unless one is going on how much must be infered 
for it

to

make any sense, which isn't a good measure.

``I think we should too.  I have a feeling that this is really
important.  A-ko''  The little note comes back to me, and I notice 
the way
that she is still stroking mine, watching me read while attempting to 
look
like she is paying attention to Ayumi-sensei.  She doesn't succeed as 
well

as

she might have, getting a face full of chalk dust and duster.  That is

such a

strange term for chalkboard eraser that I like to use it a lot.  I 
hide my
face in my hand, thinking about lunch for the first time today, 
realize

that I

had two bentou packed this morning, and I hadn't even noticed.

***I'd rephrase the bit about the eraser.  While in Japan they may be 
called
dusters, B-Ko really isn't going to think it's a strange term***

`duster' is an Australian/British term, so far as I know, which is why 
B-ko likes it ^^;

The truth.  Can't hurt too much.  ``I just remembered how cute
Magami-san is, sensei.  Isn't she cuter than Kei-kun?''  I smile at 
her,

glad

that I have cameras in the room to catch A-ko's reaction, for as 
expected
Ayumi looks like a beached fish, her mouth flopping and no sound 
coming

out as

she points to the hall, finally getting under control enough to

emphatically

order me out of the classroom. (paragraph break to denote an interval 
of

time)

Yep.

*Briiiiing* the moment is shattered by the bell, and we break apart as
a torrent of students flows from the room, I hear a bit of giggling, 
but

think

nothing of it until I look at A-ko's face.  I wasn't wearing 
lipstick, or

at

least none that hadn't rubbed off of her face (drop face), and her's 
was a

bit smudged.

Red lipstick just doesn't go well with my hair, I fear.

***Somewhere in here, you may want to note that A-Ko wasn't wearing 
lipstick
earlier.***

right.

``B-ko, what is with you today?  I've never seen you get in this much
trouble before.''

***Humm.  a quote from thin air?  This is totally without a reference. 
 I
assume from futher down this is C-Ko, but we need to know this.***

A-ko, actually.

``I've not been plotting today.  I hope that I've caught what I wanted
all along.  Have I, A-ko?''

***I'd add :  "what I wanted all along."  I give A-Ko a sidelong 
glance.
"Have I, A-Ko?"***

        ``B-ko, what is with you today?  I've never seen you get in this 
much
trouble before,'' A-ko asks gently, reaching over to place one hand on 
mine.

         ``I've not been plotting today.  I hope that I've caught what I 
wanted
all along.'' I smile at her, ``Have I, A-ko?''

``You've caught me, if that's what you mean.'' (emphasize "me")

Done.

A-ko. (replace . with ?)  A-ko just looks stunned.

It's a contemplative pause, not a questioning one.

After class, C-ko steps up to us, ``Y'all (wince... C-Ko is not a 
southern

belle.  "You" is just fine)

Anata-tachi just doesn't feel the same as `you'.  `y'all' is closer.  
'y'all all' is too much ^_^

`you two' is not too wrong ^_^

will take me on a date.  No

toads this time.  Maybe next, OK?''  She clasps her hands together in

front of

her, and smiles.

A-ko gibbers a little.  (I'd use blinks myself.)

I've also contemplated `faults', but a fault is more staged, whereas a 
little gibber is just sorta quiet and big eyed, with lips trembling in 
fear . . .

I manage to limit myself to a single blink, ``OK.  What would you like
for dinner?''

She frowns, just a little.

I wrap an arm about each of them, and start from the room, ``You don't
have to answer right away,' I tell C-ko.

     Fin
   Probably

***You do of course realize you've robbed me of an entire evening of 
working
on artwork to reply to you....

I'm sorry.

Thank you.***

You're welcome!

Now, you had a rough start, but once you got to the classroom, you 
started
to roll beautifully.  It's (mostly) perfectly characterized, and I can 
just
picture this as I'm reading it.

Heh. Thank you.

         ``You've caught _me_, if that's what you mean.''
<eight year gap where I didn't write anything>
         ``OK,'' C-ko says, an utterly cute irate whine in her voice, 
``That is
quite enough of that!''

^_^

Actually... I'm going to get some A-Ko reference material now.  and if 
I
have your permission...

That's quite fine with me.

I may... Just may... Illustrate this story.  (no
promises... I've just got a few very vivid pitures in my head 
demanding that
I draw them.)

Cool.  I'd like to see them, if you do anything you're willing to share.

And this is the eventual end the series just has to come to... it's 
just
waaaaaaaaaaay to in character.

Yeah, what I'd seen of it at the time (all four, I think, and VS, but 
I'm not sure) just flowed that way in my head.

(as I always describe this story, C-Ko (the long lost princess of an 
entire
race of females... so she's a natural born lesbian.) loves A-Ko (The
daughter of Superman and Wonder Woman), who is too clueless to realize 
it.
B-Ko (a technological supergenius with no end of money) loves C-Ko, 
and is
too fixated to realize she's just as obsessed with A-Ko.  Pure Yuri 
from the
word go.)

Yep.  Fun, and angst, but I don't write much angst, so ^_^

and once more.... Thank You.  It was a lovely read.

You're very welcome, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

ja ne,
	Suika
--
You know WHY there aren't any straight jokes?

Because there's nothing funny about being straight!
                                                        --Mike Louw
         ssfr@mac.com


--
* An English physician similarly noted in 1873 that while opium users 
in Britain might be dirty slovenly, lazy, lying, and sanctimonious, 
"they are not uproarious, and don't swear. There are none of the deeds 
of brutal violence that are inspired by beer, and none of foul 
language. "
				--The Consumers Union Report� - Licit and Illicit Drugs, 1972�

--
* An English physician similarly noted in 1873 that while opium users 
in Britain might be dirty slovenly, lazy, lying, and sanctimonious, 
"they are not uproarious, and don't swear. There are none of the deeds 
of brutal violence that are inspired by beer, and none of foul 
language. "
				--The Consumers Union Report� - Licit and Illicit Drugs, 1972� 

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