--- Bert Miller <hkmiller@theeddy.com> skrev: > 

Interesting piece.

Quoting Elin B <elbju@yahoo.se>:

I would be curious to know how readers find it, if it
works or not.

Parts do work, parts don't (IMO).  Not quite sure
what your goal was, though.

That would be nice to know. :)
To be honest, the whole thing just started with me trying to imagine
how Ryoga might confess to Akane if he did so in a letter. Then I
thought how she might anser, how he would answer back...then I thought
other characters might get involved, too. Perhaps also the characters,
under these circumstances, would be less given to talk directly to each
other than they usually are, thus giving more credibility to the letter
format. 

On the other hand, yes, there are a lot of things only hinted at, quite
possibly making the fic too cryptical by half. Because I also thought:
"if I'm realistic, there's no way these people wouldn't still interact
directly at times, or tell everything which is important to them in
their letters".

On the third hand, the form itself is new for me to write in, and I
guess it shows.

You�ve got to be kidding. First of all, they�ll never
agree to showing them to you.

The context confuses me a bit.  Is Ranma replying to a
request by Ryouga to the Tendos to see the letters?
Didn't he keep copies?

He probably didn't, but I don't think this is Ryoga. I saw it more as
an unknown compiler.

And now I�ve told Akari, so I have to tell you.

Akari found out shortly after the two met.

Well, when she saw a gril holding a little pig, she assumed the piglet
was the girl's pet. But when she later found out the pig was really
Ryoga, wouldn't she prefer to think out some other, more pleasing
explanation for the scene? <Re-reads translation> Hmm, yes, Akane does
say "P-chan" right there, but that's the only instance: I think it's
not too far-fetched if Akari doesn't remember it. She's very focused on
Ryoga right then, after all.

There isn't a good way to say this, so I'll just say
it: That little pig you carry around sometimes isn't
a real pig. It's just a Jusenkyo curse. As a matter
of fact, it�s me.

Didn't bother to just say, "I'm P-Chan"?  Or even
mention the name?

I think this way would be slightly easier for him - to go from the pig
to the man rather than the other way around, and not to mention the
name. (But maybe that's why I put it into the title instead.)

  Still, the way the letter rambles

a bit does seem like Ryouga.

OK. Good.

September 26, 1995

What do you mean, �restitution�?
I don�t want your money. In fact, I�m thinking of
sending back all those things you�ve given me.

Akane Tendo

This just doesn't seem like Akane, to me.  Sending
them back seems very cold-blooded.  Hot-bloodedly
destroying them all would have worked for me.

That's an interesting idea, but I wonder if she would write about it
afterwards.
She does sound very stiff and cold and unlike herself. That's
deliberate on my part, to hint at how upset she is.
 

Also, why would Akane assume "restitution" means
money?  It often would mean something else in a
Japanese context.

I'll see about re-wording it, maybe: "I'm not interested in your money,
if that's what you're thinking." But she's not thinking very highly of
Ryoga at the moment.

I can now report that I have spoken up in your
defense to Akane on no less than three separate
occasions. Included in this envelope is a tape
recording two of these occasions, for proof.

LOL!  Nabiki's first letter here was easily the high
point of the entire piece, IMO.  Classic Nabiki, and
VERY funny.

^_^ I'm glad there was something you enjoyed in there. I'm pretty
pleased with that one myself.

But she is also a woman of firm character with strong 
beliefs and a rather traditional outlook. Perhaps you
should keep in mind that she does not necessarily
speak for my little sister.

Now, I assume from this that Nodoka wants to laud him
for his "masculine behavior" in peeping on Akane as a
pig, which would be a very good reason for Kasumi to
add that last sentence.  I don't see much backup for
this interpretation later, though.

Hmm, no, that's not what I thought, and I doubt Nodoka would see it
that way, since Ryoga isn't engaged to Akane. As I recall it, in "Bust
Battle" she was not happy about the person peeping on Akane, until she
found out it was Ranma. Then it was just fine. Am I wrong?
 

Sorry for being obtrusive. I guess I might feel like
you do, if I were in your shoes. Especially if it was
another boy I wasn�t in love with.

The Akane-Akari correspondence seemed a little stilted
to me, given the way they get on in the manga.  I
think the above passage might work just a bit better if
it is obvious to the reader that Akari can't imagine
feeling the way Akane does, but is trying to say what
she does anyway.

I'll see if I can rework it somehow.
My feelings are that Akari would be afraid of upsetting Akane and and
Akane would be rather wary of Akari at the moment, since she associates
her with Ryoga. 

Dear Impostor,

Suit yourself. I suppose I�ll have no option but to
keep holding you a grudge for the way you�ve treated
my little sister and deceived most of us

This second Nabiki letter just seemed to come out of
nowhere to me.  I'd either add enough so that we
understand the context better, or take it out.

The one letter never shown here was the one Ryoga wrote back to Nabiki,
since I thought it would be rather uninteresting: a polite
thanks-but-no-thanks message. Perhaps I should include it, or remove
this second letter from Nabiki. Or perhaps just allude to it like this:
[Ryoga's letter to Nabiki was not available to the compiler, who had
run out of credit at the time.]
?

I figured it would take Ryoga some time to receive Nabiki's first
letter and reeply to it: that's why I inserted the letters between
Akane and Akari in there. Now I think it was a bit too chronological of
me.

(In the second letter, Nabiki says she has to keep holding Ryoga a
grudge because he hasn't paid her money to convince herself. Perhaps
that should be clearer.)

But anyway, I�ve decided not to go looking for a cure
until I�ve got things squared with Akane.

??? ...and he's decide this because...???

Do you think he should explain himself further here? Or that there
should be more clues in another letter as to why? 

And the form itself is so nice!) Both humans and
animals are simply parts of nature � and pigs have
Buddha natures, too!

Good characterization for Akari, though!  :)

Dear Akari,
I wonder if you wouldn�t be better off with somebody
else.

???


Telling a story through correspondence is a time-
hallowed technique.  But you seem to be aiming at
hinting of a story you're NOT telling, which is
something quite different.  You give us a lot of hints
of goings-on off-screen which never get described at
all, almost as though you yourself fully believe what
you ascribed to Ranma.  (If so, I'd suggest you not
try to tell a story this way.)

By the end of a story told this way, we ought to be
able to figure out exactly what went on, with later
references to off-screen events clarifying the earlier
ones until the whole picture is clear.  But I have
no idea when Ryouga visited Nodoka;

Between Kasumi's and Ranma's letter.

 I don't know what

caused Nabiki to send the second letter; I don't know
what Akane wanted Ryouga to do at the school;

Something to do with Shampoo. I thought of adding some letters from and
to Shampoo to explain, but then felt it would be a bit too long.

 I don't

know whether Ryouga made it; I don't know what Ryouga
meant by his last letter to Akari, etc., etc., etc.

Are you sure/do you know what you intended with this
piece? As a story, it's a failure, IMO; as a non-story
piece, it's... well, something other than a story.

I think there is much in what you say, and I will consider your
comments in revising it. Perhaps I should just let it lie for a while,
and think about how to flesh it out, if I can.

Thank you for your time and for your candour! 

Cheers, 

Elin



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