"Sibylle R. Tendo" <Imoto@gmx.ch> wrote:

Preword:
I'm new to the FFML but posted the Original Version a year ago on FF.net,
rewrote it two months ago.
If you wonder what SMB means, you'll find out.

START OF FIC

No offense, but... duhhhh. Of COURSE it's the start of the fic. There's no need
to state things that are dead obvious, and when you do it sends a clear message
that you think your readers are idiots.

An Ordinary Day in Nerima in the Tendo Dojo.

Mr. Tendo plays Shogi with a fat Panda.
A man-shaped Hole with a Pigtail is in the ceiling.
A malletwielding Daughter is standing under it.
The Houskeeper says Oh My.
The Mercenary is calculating the Costs.
And a little black Piglet swears revenge.

Thus, an ordinary Day in Nerima in the Tendo Dojo.

Ugh. Where to start?

First of all, this is a really pointless stock scene. There's nothing going on
here that hasn't been shown in countlessly many fanfics before. When you use the
same tired old scenes that everybody else does, you are likely to turn off all
of your potential readers. If this is going to be the same as thousands of other
fanfics, why should I waste my time reading it?

Using stock scenes is *not* necessary or desirable even if you're trying to
write an Original Flavor story. Read the manga and look at how it opens each
storyline, usually by getting right to the point. You DON'T see the same tired
old scenes over and over for no particular reason. Happosai being chased by
angry women is about the only one that does get used a lot, and that almost
always has some direct influence on the storyline.

Secondly, if you're going to show a scene, describe it in more detail. Don't
just summarize what happened. Give us enough description so we can actually
picture it in our minds.

Lastly, you've got a real problem with capitalization. You may be used to
German, in which every noun is capitalized, or another language that has
different rules. In English, generally, a word should be capitalized if:

1) it begins a sentence, or:

2) it is a proper name, e.g. the name of a specific entity or item. For example,
"Genma" is capitalized, but "the panda" is not; the former is a name, while the
latter is a description, telling you what Genma (currently) *is*, not what he is
named.

There are a few additional subtleties, but that's 99% of it. Correct this sort
of thing throughout the fic; I won't point out every instance.

{Ranma 1/2 belongs to Takahashi Rumiko and her licensies}

It's good that you give credit where credit's due, without turning it into a
cheap laugh the way many authors insist on doing. The word is spelled
"licensee," by the way.

But then there's a knock on the Door.

As this is where your plot starts, this is where the fic should have started.
IMO, you should delete everything before this.

"I'll get it!" calls Kasumi, the Houskeeper, and walks to the front door.
There she opens the door and greets the Guest.

"Hello! Welcome to the Tendo Dojo."

The Guest is a female dressed in a pink dress, long white cloves, long

gloves, I think you meant to say.

GUEST: Care for some garlic?

KASUMI: Why, thank you! Are you one of those vampire slayers?

blonde Hair and a little crown on her cute Head, in simple words: a
beatifull Girl.

beautiful

"I'm Tendo Kasumi."

"Pleased to meet you, Toadstool's the Name. Is Saotome-san here?" the Guest
asks.

"Oh My! Yes.. please come in." Answers Kasumi, and they both go in the

in," answers

Since "answers" here is explicitly telling you that Kasumi said the words, it
needs to be part of the same sentence. If this weren't the case then your
punctuation would be correct. For example:

"Yes.. please come in." Kasumi led the young lady into the house.

House, in the Livingroom.

"living room" is generally two words. (I'm guessing you're German, in which
language it's generally okay to put any two words together and make a longer
one. In English, it isn't. ^_^)

{Princess of the Kingdom?}

This is supposed to be Kasumi's thoughts? It'd help to have more context to make
this clear and what it refers to. (Please DON'T put in a key explaining that
parentheses represent thoughts. What I don't understand is *why* she is thinking
this particular thought, if in fact she is, and what it means.) If it isn't her
thoughts, it probably doesn't belong here. Never talk directly to the readers.

Akane went to the dojo, to work off some stress.

Nabiki is still calculating and the two old Idiots..erm Elders are playing
Shogi.

Who is it that thinks the fathers are idiots? An opinion inserted like this
should always come from one of the characters' thoughts. Your own opinions as
author have no business intruding on the narrative; just tell the story. In this
case, it's not exactly an Earth-shattering revelation anyhow.

"Saotome-san? Here is someone who came to visit you." ask Kasumi, while she
enters with Ms. Toadstool.

visit you," says Kasumi,

(It's a statement, not a question, so don't use "ask", and since you're directly
telling the reader that the line was said, don't end the sentence there.)

[Who might that be?] asks the Pandas sign and the Panda turns around, only

the panda's sign

to see the blonde.

Five milliseconds later, two Backpacks are packed and the Panda is missing.

"Oh.. would you like a cup of Tea, until Saotome-san returns?" ask Kasumi.

asks

(Kasumi is singular -- there is only one Kasumi -- so use the singular form of
the verb. She asks, they ask.)

"Thank you." says Toadstool-san and sits opposite of Kasumi down at the
table.

Nabiki, who also sits at the Table asks a real important question: "Are you
another Fianc�e of Ranma?"

Unless this is right after Ukyo's first appearance, it doesn't make any sense
that she would ask this. A fair number of women have visited the Tendo residence
since then, none of whom was a fiancee.

By the way, don't use accented characters like the "e" on fiancee. These are
platform-specific and may look completely different on other systems. Just write
"fiancee" without the accent.

"If you mean Saotome Ranma, then yes. His Mother and my Mother decided this
before we were born."

Yawn. This is really, really cliched.

The idea that Ranma has a million, billion fiancees that Takahashi forgot to
tell us about is a really tired old canard. Do you know how many surprise
fiancees actually showed up in the actual series? One. Ukyo. If you insist on
using the TV adaptation as a source, which I don't recommend, that number jumps
to a whopping three. In either case, no new fiancees showed up in the latter
bulk of the series.

Ms. Toadstool din't even finish the hole sentence, the Waterworks of the
Tendo Household, the Tendo Patriarch or just Soun start: "But! Ranma is
promiced to Akane!"

And this is another hyper-cliched reaction.

You've also misspelled "promised", used the wrong homonym for "whole" (the one
you used means something you find in the ground) and slipped into past tense. Up
until now you've been narrating as if the story is happening right now. "Didn't"
in the above would be used in past tense, as if the story already happened
earlier. I would actually recommend writing entirely in past tense, as this is
the way the great majority of stories are written. But if you do insist on
writing in the present, you need to do so consistently.

"Daddy! Please be quiet!" orders one of his daughters.

he shuts his mouth imediatly and Ms. Toadstool continues to explain: "But

immediately

Capitalize "he", since it is the beginning of the sentence.

when eleven Years ago, my Mother and I wanted to visit my Beloved.
Saotome-san told us, that her Husband and her Son are gone, on a

                    ^
The comma doesn't seem to fit here.

Trainingtrip."

"training trip" is one word.

"Oh My!" says Kasumi, while Ms. Toadstool continues with her explanation.
"My Mother and I searched the hole Globe after them, and last week, I heard
he is staying in Nerima."

Don't let two different characters speak in the same paragraph. Start a new
paragraph when Toady starts talking. Or just delete Kasumi's line, since it's
cliched and pointless here anyway.

"Have you gone to Jusenkyo too?" asks Nabiki

Ms. Toadstool face darkens: "Please! do not mention that travesty of my
life!"

Just as Nabiki wants to open her Mouth, some one else is faster: "Ranma!

"someone" is one word.

Come back here!", "No thanks! You Uncute Tomboy!"

Again, start a new paragraph when the person who is speaking changes.

Ranma and Akane, the ever bickering Fianc�es are back.

Actually, they don't fight all the time for no reason. Read the manga.

The two run trough the Living Room up the Stairs, and some seconds later
again back down.

"Ranma? Is that you?" Both halt at the Guest's Call.

Ranma stops in his tracks: "Yes, and who are you?"
Akane stops too: "Probarbly some new Fianc�e of your's! You Womanizer!"

yours

Again, there's no reason for this reaction, unless Akane's been reading fanfics.

I'm going to start skimming, because work calls and my comments are getting
repetitive.

{Yep, Toadstool isn't mine either}

Never insert an author note into the body of the story. This is like a speed
bump on the highway; it jars the reader out of actually imagining the story.
Move this into either beginning or end notes. And crediting the actual creator
of P.T. would be a good idea, if you can figure out who that is. (If anyone out
there knows, please tell us PRIVATELY, unless you also have an opinion on the
fic to share.)

{Autor's Note: I think this Fic isn't so bad, but my English is. Please
R&R.}

Rest and relaxation? :)

First comment: you desperately need to go and actually read the manga. You seem
to be trying to write original flavor, but you don't seem to have a good idea of
what that is. Again, no offense, but using the same tired old plots and scenes
that thousands of other fanfic authors have already used is the surest way to
bore off your readers. Don't use "stock footage" bits unless you can come up
with something fresh and different to do with them, and preferably they fit into
the story you're telling. The idea that Nodoka, not Genma, is responsible for
this engagement *is* a different twist on the usual, and that's good, but IMO
it's not enough.

Secondly, my reaction to the whole thing can be summed up as "So what?" Okay,
Ranma has this new fiancee. What's interesting about her that she presents new
challenges or problems that Ukyo (for example) didn't? There probably is an
answer to this, but we need to see them in your *story*. If they're yet to come,
they shouldn't be. To be interested enough in reading further, we need to see
right away why Toadsy's presence is something to be concerned about.

Thirdly, work on the mechanics of your writing. I've pointed out a lot of things
in the above, but beyond that a good way to do it would be to go to your local
library or book shop and read some published fiction. Pay attention to how the
pros do it, starting with the mechanics of sentences and paragraphs, and then
the way in which they put together a scene, how they convey characters'
thoughts, and so on.

I've been harsh here, but there is no malice intended toward you or your story.
I think both you and it need work, but that with some time and a lot of effort
you can develop into a fine writer, and I wish you good luck in that.


-Gary

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