Oh, don't get me wrong, technically great, a ripping style of prose that's
used to good effect.

But it's not a story; it's a political diatribe dressed up (very thinly)

as

a Sailor Moon story.  It's the author espousing a particular view very
emphatically.  But all the pro-"right to bear arms" hyperbole drowns out
whatever plot (plot?) you have, whatever story you're trying to tell.

Let me add to this:

I agree with Mr. Lawson.  It's a fabulously written piece, but by itself,
it's not a story.

It is however, a great prologue.

You've set up a nice world, now you have to do something with it.  For
example, you haven't specifically given your main viewpoint character a
gender.  This makes for a good starting point for a story where your main
character is female, and meets up with another couple of girls to discover
that they are the American  version of Senshi.  After all, as the American's
have adapted tactics, so to will the Youma, eventually, or else a new
generation of more powerful enemies will appear.

Alternately, as the Military begins getting more co-ordinated, they will be
setting up special anti-youma taskforces, super heavy hitters who are called
in for major infestations.  This makes for an excellent BGC // SM crossover
with Senshi in powersuits (Moon Monowire.... SLICE!  Venus Crescent Particle
Beam!)

Additionally, with the fact that you have an armed populace, such a
taskforce might have to deal with the occasional episode of being mistaken
for Youma, and come under friendly fire.

In other words, you have a great start to what could be a good AU story,
much as the one where Sailormoon is a redheaded Japanese crossbreed in a
Japan that has been annexed by the US. ( Don't remember the title, but it
was damn good.)

So the question here is quite simply, what's next?  If there is no next,
then it's a well written political diatribe pretending to be a story, and
doing poorly.  It's up to you to make it Gulliver's Travels.

I for one, would like to see that happen.

LSMcGill

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'