-----Original Message-----
From: ffml-bounce@anifics.com [mailto:ffml-bounce@anifics.com]On Behalf
Of LSMcGill
Sent: Monday, January 12, 2004 7:50 PM
To: Richard Lawson
Cc: ffml@anifics.com
Subject: [FFML] Re: Youmas Attack the United States. v2

Oh, don't get me wrong, technically great, a ripping style

of prose that's

used to good effect.

But it's not a story; it's a political diatribe dressed up

(very thinly)
as

a Sailor Moon story.  It's the author espousing a particular

view very

emphatically.  But all the pro-"right to bear arms"

hyperbole drowns out

whatever plot (plot?) you have, whatever story you're trying to tell.

Let me add to this:

I agree with Mr. Lawson.  It's a fabulously written piece, but
by itself,
it's not a story.

I know, it was kinda a spam-fic counterpoint to the debate about shades of
darkness.

It is however, a great prologue.

You've set up a nice world, now you have to do something with it.  For
example, you haven't specifically given your main viewpoint character a
gender.  This makes for a good starting point for a story
where your main
character is female, and meets up with another couple of girls
to discover
that they are the American  version of Senshi.  After all, as
the American's
have adapted tactics, so to will the Youma, eventually, or else a new
generation of more powerful enemies will appear.

The Barrett M82A1 is a whompin 52" long, and weighs in at 28.5 pounds bare.
I could rest my chin on the muzzle standing up.  I'm technically not big
enough to haul it around.  While there are females bigger & strong enough to
haul it around, they're pretty rare.
Also, the Senshi are the Senshi.  Other magical forces might appear, not
necessarily female.

Alternately, as the Military begins getting more co-ordinated,
they will be
setting up special anti-youma taskforces, super heavy hitters
who are called
in for major infestations.  This makes for an excellent BGC //
SM crossover
with Senshi in powersuits (Moon Monowire.... SLICE!  Venus
Crescent Particle
Beam!)

Nice, but we have some serious power issues to resolve before hardsuits are
possible.
The idea here is that incursions are dealt with on a scaling basis, as
heavier reinforcements reach the area.  They're too distributed for many
'elite forces', unless you have an elite force for every city.  If they
manage to overwhelm a town or something, planes and APC's can take them out.

Additionally, with the fact that you have an armed populace, such a
taskforce might have to deal with the occasional episode of
being mistaken
for Youma, and come under friendly fire.

The Youma are completely non-technological.  The Task force shows up in
vehicles, and carry heavy weapons.  Friendly fire incidents would mostly be
from people panic-firing.  And poorly considered/risky strafing runs.

In other words, you have a great start to what could be a good
AU story,
much as the one where Sailormoon is a redheaded Japanese
crossbreed in a
Japan that has been annexed by the US. ( Don't remember the
title, but it
was damn good.)

The only problem is that I've only seen a couple episodes of Sailor Moon.  I
need to get the background first.  I'd probably go with the magna, but I
don't have the cash right now.

So the question here is quite simply, what's next?  If there
is no next,
then it's a well written political diatribe pretending to be a
story, and
doing poorly.  It's up to you to make it Gulliver's Travels.

Yeah, Yeah, I know.  I used myself as the template, and I'm heavy 2nd
amendment and pro-self defense.  Comes from me not being willing to be
defenseless.
And outlawing guns won't work, because you can make automatics (semi or
full), in any half-equiped machine shop.  Black powder is even easier.

I for one, would like to see that happen.

LSMcGill

I'll see what I can do.  It's going to be a while, though.  I have ideas,
but not outlines.  I was deliberatly vague, not wanting to get too in-deep.

Firethorn


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