elisteran wrote:

*Ah, you were the one that suggest it to me,* the panda pointed out.

These two paragraphs don't sound like Nodoka and Genma (Or, at the
least, this is a point where I stopped and said, "Those don't sound
right.") I'd expect Genma to be a little more defensive. *_You_
suggested it to _me_!* or at any rate somewhat less apologetic.

Will add the defensiveness.

Nodoka's lines seem to be the same problem as fits any second person
segment: she's infodumping, lots of statements right after another
unprompted. It might work better if Genma interacts with her, or there
are timing details included, or...

I'll cut back on it. A lot of the details aren't necessary.

"See? It's silly. I'd never do something stupid like that. I'm

impossible to

hypnotize," Ranma stated as he took his chair and began watching the
performance in spite of his stated disdain for it.

I know this Ranma is a bit cockier than canon Ranma, but Ranma has
been mind-affected before,and has dabbled in hypnotism
himself. (Making Ryouga hug anybody who says 'pig' for example). Seems
odd that he'd be quite so dismissive. Or bragging about the sharpness
of his mind -- I could see Ranma talking about his willpower, but I
don't think he ever pretends he's a supergenius.

It's more a will power thing he is thinking of. Especially if Ryouga caved
in to being hypnotized, since Ranma knows he's better than Ryouga at
everything. :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sometimes you have a lead capital X, and sometimes just xs. I don't
know if that's meaningful or not.

It's if I hit 'enter' or just use the arrow down key to skip to the next
line, actually.

"How about a Harvey Wallbanger?"

Kachiko reached across the bar and grabbed the man by the collar of his
shirt. "Hey now, just because I've had a few drinks, don't you go

thinking

you can get away with propositioning me with a kinky sex move named

after

some guy called Harvey."

This seemed forced

Agree. Will change the line

Kachiko steadied her. "Whoa, there. Having some problems walking, huh?"

"Not really," Kasumi said blissfully, then spotted the shot glass. She
pointed in its general direction. "Is that for me?"

"No," Kachiko said.

"Good." Kasumi picked up the glass and downed the contents in a quick

gulp

before Kachiko could prevent her.

Nice.

Thanks.

"No, it's probably best you not drink for a while. Drink any more, and
you'll be floating away like a fish." Kachiko laughed hard at her own
perceived joke.

Kasumi frowned. "You know, despite how much I've drunken, that still

doesn't

sound remotely funny."

"I've drank" (or "I've drunk"), not drunken.  Unless this is  a

side-effect of

how drunken Kasumi is.

It's meant to be a side effect.

almost forgot. I came over here for a reason."

"To steal my drinks?"

"If you'd like," Kasumi said.

Nice again.

Thanks again.

It took Kasumi a moment to collect her thoughts. "Oh, yes. I've been
spending time dancing with some men that are sweet enough to buy me

drinks.

As many as I want. However, when we've been dancing, some of them having
been grabbing my bottom and grinding their crotches into me. While it's

not

an altogether unpleasant feeling, especially down in 'that place,' I'm

not

sure this is appropriate behavior. I wanted your advice on what to do

about

it."

And this feels too collected given how far her sail is to the wind.

Actually this is loosely patterned on some friends i used to drink with.
They tended to be very formal when they were drunk (choosing their words
more carefully, I suppose) except for their tendency to occasionally make up
words that sounded appropriate, but weren't.

Kasumi appeared put off, an almost unheard of condition for her. "I'll h

ave

you know I only had twelve or thirtyteen drinks this evening. I am

barely

the thirtyteen is intentional?

Yep. Like drunken, only worse.

that, only that Kachiko was to blame for it.

as written, that suggests that Akane wants to know only that Kachiko
was to blame for it, rather than that Akane knows only that Kachiko
was to blame for it. Possibly what you intended, possibly not.

Will reword.

Sobbing worse than ever, she pleaded, "I'm sorry, Mother. I spoke out of
turn. Please forgive me." Any punishment Kachiko leveled against her
wouldn't make up for the terrible things Kasumi said about her. Just so

long

as she wasn't angry with her and reject her. That she couldn't bear.

The pronouns here get confusing, and the implications unclear. Sug
"Just so long as her mother wouldn't reject her"

Okay

------
Seems like this is starting to wrap up issues, which will be good for
the next part.

Yep. Not much farther to go.

Some of the scenes were quite good (Kasumi dealing with

her mother at the bar), but there were a few that I thought you were
forcing the dialogue to get a joke out.

Will work on them, then.

 Kachiko is feeling more like a

regular cast member than an ANC at this point, which is good.

Well, her being there has a purpose, more than just being there for the sake
of being there, which is slowly becoming clear. I think more will be
revealed in the next chapter.

Thanks for the help. It's really appreciated.

DB Sommer

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