----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Alex Gray" <hitomi@ndirect.co.uk>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Cc: <sharonw82@hotmail.com>; <hitomi@ndirect.co.uk>
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2003 12:12 PM
Subject: [FFML] [FFML][SM][LIME] Duty - Chapter 1 of 2

    To say that she was not exactly popular at court was a bit of an
understatement. No matter how hard she tried, those nobles with whom
she could comfortably exchange words numbered less than three,

whilst

nearly everyone else treated her with a fearful awe that was
embarrassing. Even the Inners, with whom she had once gotten along
with fairly well now seemed more remote on those rare occasions that
they spoke informally with her, and Saturn was at a loss to say why.
In fact, apart from the Outers and Usa, close friends was a

commodity

that Hotaru was sadly lacking.

I haven't really seen a reason given for this.  Why is everybody
afraid of her?  There's no justification given for it within the fic.
It seems more because it's cliche than anything.  "Saturn was feared
in the Silver Millinium.  So, even though the only people left from
that are the other Senshi, Saturn must also be feared in Crystal
Tokyo!"

    A chill wind blew fresh across the open veranda on which she was
standing and Hotaru briefly shivered as it gusted through the white
silks that she was wearing. The court dress her rank forced her to

don

was not exactly designed for warmth and despite all the years that

had

passed, her body was still very much the same as it had been in her
teens. Rubbing her hands together for a moment to warm herself up,
Hotaru lifted her flowing dress and carefully descended the stairs

to

the small courtyard garden below. The palace had many such small
havens of peace and whenever she came here, Hotaru made regular use

of

them.

Court?  Is more shown of CT in the later arcs, or is this just
something that you made up or that exists in fanon?  Serenity is shown
to be rather close to Usagi in personality (still writes in
Hirigana...), so it's hard to believe.  A formal court... Get into
this more later, though....

    "That's Saturn..." she managed to catch part of his hurried
whisper before he and his companion got rapidly to their feet and
left. Hotaru's mouth narrowed and she gave a soft curse under her
breath as a similar reaction began to ripple to the other groups in
the courtyard. Nervous eyes started to follow her every movement and
Hotaru's sensitive hearing picked up her name being whispered
repeatedly.

This really, really needs to be backed up.  Why is everybody afraid of
her, yet not afraid to the point where they'd fear offending her like
this?  Because they're being offensive as all hell and she certainly
has a right to call them on it--unless, of course, she doesn't, in
which case the reason being needs to be shown.

    "..." Hotaru silently swore again and picking a path at random
walked off, pointedly ignoring the eyes that she could feel

following

her. The path that she had chosen came to a small fork and taking a
direction at random, Hotaru walked forward as rapidly as her dress
would allow. After a short distance the path forked again, and once
more Hotaru just chose her course at random, letting her feet decide
the direction to take. This procedure repeated itself a number of
times and after a while of walking Hotaru found herself standing in

a

dimly lit, little used courtyard whose only features seemed to be a
small fountain and a couple of stone benches.

If Setsuna wanted Hotaru to show up, why is Hotaru free to just wander
around?  Seems like she'd be expected to do something when there.
Hotaru's "duty" is to show up in a certain outfit, yet she doesn't
have to do anything else?

They were always hard when she came back here. At least in the past
she had had her friend Usa to keep her company, but with her

friend's

marriage over forty years ago to secure a political alliance even

that

small comfort was now gone. Hotaru was completely alone.

This marriage thing is the first sign that something's really wrong
here.

    "Rei-san?" Hotaru gasped, completely surprised by the fire
senshi's sudden appearance. "What are you doing... I mean, did you
want something?"

This is never addressed within the fic.  What DOES Rei want?  We're
given no reason for this sudden change in behavior on Rei's part.
She's kept away from Hotaru for years and years and years, so why
change now?

    Rei looked at her for a few moments before she shook her head.
"No, not really. I just saw you leave and wanted to check that
everything was all right, that's all." She gave a small nervous

smile.

"I was worried about you, Hotaru."

    "Me?" Hotaru queried with a startled look. "You were worried

about

me?"

    "Well... yes," Rei's smile became slightly more nervous.
"Shouldn't I be? We are friends, aren't we?"

This passage makes me think Rei has something going on.  It's kind of
annoying that there's nothing in the rest of the chapter to support
that idea.  If she did have some motive for being nice to Hotaru, then
her extreme change in personality would make sense.  As it is, though,
she's all nice and completely non-fiery, which is rather contrary to
her canon personality.  Personality can change over time, sure, but
this just doesn't feel like Rei to me.

    "I know," Rei interrupted quietly. "I'm sorry. Things haven't
exactly been easy for you recently, have they? The Court here

thrives

on rumors here and unfortunately, the mysterious Saturn always seems
to be a favorite target for speculation. After the Queen, you are

the

single most powerful person in the Kingdom. But while Usagi is well
known and loved, you, Hotaru, are just a mysterious person of which
only your duty as the Senshi of Silence is common knowledge. And

that

makes people fear you, I'm afraid. Fact of life."

Here's an attempt to justify the whole fear of Saturn thing, but it
doesn't really work, in my opinion.  How would random people,
non-senshi, know that Hotaru is more powerful than the other Senshi?
Are power levels posted in the CT Times every year or something?  From
what I can tell in SM S, Hotaru got along fine with other people until
she started going psycho and attacking people for no reason.  Why
would it be different in CT?

I haven't gotten that far yet--I still need to see/read past SM S, but
does Hotaru have this fear thing going on even after Mistress Nine is
gone?  In the actual series, I mean?

    "Why, Rei-san?" Hotaru interrupted. "Why bother? The last time

we

had a serious talk was ages ago. So, why the sudden need to do it

now?

It's not like you've been dying to talk with me before." As she said
this, she tried to keep her voice even, but try as she might she

could

not help the almost accusing tone that crept into those last few

words

and the sound of it made Rei flinch.

    "Yes, you're right, Hotaru-chan, I haven't, have I?" Rei gave a
small shake of her head and looked down. After a moment, she raised

it

and looked the girl in the eye. "I'm sorry, Hotaru-chan. I... I make
no excuses, my behavior as a friend towards you has been
unforgivable..." She pursed her lips, "but... If... I mean..." She
stopped and pulled on Hotaru's hand. "I meant what I said. If you're
willing, I'd like to talk." Her lips rose in a small smile and

taking

a couple of steps backwards, she pulled Hotaru over to a nearby

stone

bench.

Hotaru asks a great question, and it's one this fic hasn't answered,
as far as I can tell.  Is that in chapter two?

    At first, Hotaru resisted the pull of Rei's hand, but as the
taller woman urged her again, Hotaru acquiesced and went over to sit
by the fire senshi. "So, just what exactly is it you want to talk
about, Rei-san?" she asked in an uncertain voice.

    Rei met the smaller girl's eyes and for the first time really
wondered just what the heck she was doing here. When she had first
seen Hotaru leave, she had followed the small girl on an impulse and
now that she was here, she was totally lost as to what to say. A
nervous smile flickered across her face as she searched desperately
for something to say. "How... how have you been keeping,

Hotaru-chan?"

Mistress Nine's body was that of an adult Hotaru, right?  Don't
remember exactly, but she seemed taller than Rei to me.  ^_^;

    Hotaru froze as the shock of the sudden slap across her face
shattered her raising temper cold. Her eyes widened and she looked
incredulously at the tall, long haired woman opposite her.

At best, Rei could be described as taller.  I don't think she could
ever be "tall."  Makoto is tall.  Rei is not.

    "Please, Hotaru..." Rei said stepping closer. "Forgive me...
Forgive us all... We love you, Hotaru... All of us... You are part

of

our family... Can you... can you forgive us..." She took another

step

forward and slowly, as if uncertain what the response would be, she
raised her hands. "Hotaru..."

This Rei seems to not fit with the colder atmosphere that Usagi's
'court' has gained, in my opinion.  If Usagi is changing the way this
fic indicates, I can't see Rei either acting blind or becoming more
compassionate in response.  She's a lot more likely to be very angry
in general, and that doesn't come out in her interraction with Hotaru
at all.

If Usagi and the other Senshi were still the same, it'd be fine, but
they aren't, and this reaction from Rei doesn't feel right.  Neither
does the "You're part of our family, we all love you, etc.," stuff.
Usagi is too cold to support such feelings at this point.

    The pleading expression that was on the older woman's face left
Hotaru lost. She did not know what to do. Oh, how she wanted to
believe in the warmth that Rei seemed to be offering. Oh, how she
longed for someone with whom she could just lay aside her burdens,

but

she was afraid - how she was afraid. She had already lost her one

true

friend, already lost the closeness that she had once had with her
parents...

On a scale of centuries, Rei isn't older.  It's kind of weird to see
her being described so at this point.

    Guard, protector, advisor, Rei wanted to do it all and while

Usagi

was greatly touched by her senshi's loyalty and love, she had

serious

concerns for her best friend's well being. Rei was like anyone else.
She needed someone for herself. Someone to whom she could devote her
love as a partner, and while Usagi loved her friend dearly - she

could

not be that one. Rei needed more - no, Rei deserved more.

Doesn't really mesh with Usagi's ability to sacrifice people for the
sake of political manueverings.

    This quiet remark made Serenity's eyes flash and an old anger
colored her face. "I did what I had to do, Pluto," she said, her

voice

cold. "I hate myself for it, but as you yourself said, royalty must
serve the people first and themselves never. Usa understood that as
much as I. It was her choice and she walked into her marriage with
both eyes open."

This doesn't mesh at all with Usagi from the anime.  Usagi was
unwilling to sacrifice Hotaru for the sake of all humanity, sure that
there was a way for her to save the world without killing Hotaru, yet
she's willing to sacrifice her daughter for the sake of making allies
in a time of peace?  Sure, people change over time, but damn, I think
this needs to be addressed a bit more closely than this chapter and
one followup do.

    "Did I ever say otherwise?" Pluto replied. "I'm very proud of

both

of you and so would your mother have been. Royalty is a burden far
heavier than most people would understand, but I for one am honored

to

serve under you." She knelt down, "and I always will be," she

finished

softly.

"and I always will be," is another sentence.  Note the earlier period.
It needs to be capitalized.

    "Enough, Pluto," Serenity broke in softly. "I understand, how
could I not? Usa however, did what she had to for the sake of our
people and so will Saturn." She sighed, and her shoulders slumped.
"You know, Setsuna, sometimes I loathe myself for what I have to do.
My daughter, Hotaru, Rei... I despise myself, I..."

This is shallow...not enough attention given to this conflict, so it's
not really believable.  I can't see Usagi changing like this without a
lot of development going into it, so bitchy whining about the change,
which doesn't feel real to begin with, is annoying.  Angst only works
if the person involved is sympathetic.  This Usagi isn't sympathetic
at all.

    It might be cold. It might be a hard way of looking at things,

but

Setsuna knew that in the end this was the only way. Duty. It all

came

down to that single, horrible word - duty.

Based on the title and the attempt to make this a big deal, well, I
have to say that the fic doesn't feel focused on what you say it's
focused on.  It doesn't feel like various duties involved are given
enough attention.  I don't feel the weight of Usagi's duty, nor do I
feel it for any other character.  Instead, I'm being told that they
are bearing the weight of these duties, and really, being told
something like that lacks meaning.  Usagi's dilemma needs a lot more
attention to be made sympathetic.  Duty isn't a felt theme for me in
this story--it's just a plot device that accompanies a number of other
undeveloped plot devices.

    Duty.

    For the sake of that one word, Usagi had become Serenity. For

the

sake of that one word, Usa had given herself into a loveless

marriage,

and for the sake of that word, Setsuna would make her own daughter

do

the same.

    Duty.

...what about love and justice?

This is a HUGE change from the Sailor Moon series.  It needs to be
given an extremely effective transition in order for the focus change
from love and justice to duty to be believable.

    Setsuna frowned as well. It surprised her that someone as
extravert as Rei would want to spend time with Hotaru and she

briefly

wondered if this was just a one off or the beginning of something.

She

was just about to reply when a wave of murmuring began to pass

through

the assembled crowd. Setsuna stretched her neck to see what was

going

on and was slightly taken aback at the sight of Rei, arm wrapped
around the slender waist of her daughter, carefully leading the girl
through the nobles.

    "My, my," Serenity whispered almost to herself. "That's an

unusual

sight..."

And again, a bit hard to believe.  Hundreds of years of loneliness
broken by a few kind words from a character whose giving kind words is
suspect to begin with.  Not enough transition here, either.

    "I was... occupied else where..." Rei said slowly, her eyes
flashing down to look fondly at the smaller girl still hanging on to
her arm. "Sorry."

    Usagi turned her eyes to focus once more on Hotaru and her mouth
flattened just slightly as she suppressed the odd surge of emotion
that those words invoked. "Oh?" was all she said.

    Rei frowned slightly as she caught the slight catch to Usagi's
voice. She tried to place the emotion that she had just momentarily
heard, but the other woman had already turned away.

Usagi is jealous?  Heh.  Again, needs support.

    "What mama?" Hotaru asked, her heart beginning to beat faster,
anxiety turning her gut. She knew that look. Pluto was trying to
wriggle her way around something.

What, mama?

    Setsuna straightened and pushed herself into the role of Pluto,
the Queen's advisor. "You may not be aware of this Hotaru," she

began,

"but you are quite famous. Word about you has spread throughout the
galaxy. Your power, your... beauty - both are highly regarded,

almost

legendary even."

Why isn't she aware of it?  I mean, really, this is Usagi we're
talking about.  She loves setting people up.  Why the hell would she
refrain from trying to hook Hotaru up with cute princes for a few
hundred years, then suddenly decide to marry her off without even
asking first?

Again, this personality change isn't really supported.  It feels like
this is all a big setup intended to cause conflict for a Rei/Hotaru
romance.  It doesn't feel like a natural progression of personalities
and time.  The puppeteer's strings are visible.

    "The Harvens are just one of many who have sued for the hand of
Lady Saturn, Mars," Pluto said in a terse voice. "Indeed, over the
years I have lost count of those ambassadors and lordlings who have
come for..."

    "...But none have been accepted until now," Rei finished coldly.
"That is what you're trying to say, isn't it." Her face curled and

she

turned on Usagi. "How could you even think..."

Again, this should have come up at some point.

    "I do what I have to do for our people, Mars!" Serenity said
sharply, cutting into Rei before she even had a chance to say more.

"I

always have! And if that means that Hotaru has to marry to bring us

a

strong ally, then by all the Gods she will! Just as I would expect

the

same of anyone, even my own daughter..." and here her resolve

faltered

slightly before firming up once more. "We are who we are for a

reason,

Mars, and I suggest that you remember that." Her face became hard

and

the persona of Neo-Serenity stared down fully at her royal general.

Uh...lies.  She's always been very strong on believing in the
individual.  At least, she is in the first three seasons of SM.  Hell,
she was willing to walk away repeatedly while fighting Beryl if it
meant her friends wouldn't be endangered, even though she knew Beryl
wanted to take over the world.  Serenity also wasn't big on duty when
she sent her daughter back in time to have fun and make friends.

    "You've changed Serenity," Rei spoke quietly. "You are no longer
the Usagi I used to know..."

I don't know this Usagi, either.

    "Times change," Serenity said simply in response. "And people

have

to change as well." Her head dropped and her hair fell over her

eyes.

"I'm sorry."

Why?  There's no reason for Usagi to need to change.  The universe is
at peace, no reasons are given to require sacrifices...so why?

The whole duty vs. love theme isn't a bad one, but I don't think
you're making good use of it here.


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