"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> writes:
Nodoka darted out of his grasp, refusing to be comforted. "She's right. I'm
not fun anymore. I used to like going out and doing things, especially when
you were courting me. It was after we got married and I had Ranma so quickly
that I became this tired old housewife." She held her arms out hopelessly.
The panda looked at his wife in sympathy. He brought a paw to his chin in
thought. After several moments, he held up a sign.
Nodoka read it and blushed. "We can't do that! We're not young anymore. And
what if we got caught? It would be scandalous, and we'd be arrested. Why,
Ranma would probably leave the family rather than deal with the shame. I
still can't believe you talked me into it in the first place."
*Ah, you were the one that suggest it to me,* the panda pointed out.
These two paragraphs don't sound like Nodoka and Genma (Or, at the
least, this is a point where I stopped and said, "Those don't sound
right.") I'd expect Genma to be a little more defensive. *_You_
suggested it to _me_!* or at any rate somewhat less apologetic.
Nodoka's lines seem to be the same problem as fits any second person
segment: she's infodumping, lots of statements right after another
unprompted. It might work better if Genma interacts with her, or there
are timing details included, or...
On the stage, sitting on a chair, was one of the caf�'s patrons. There was a
glassy look to his eyes, and he was acting as though he was driving an
invisible car rather than sitting in front of group of strangers.
"See? It's silly. I'd never do something stupid like that. I'm impossible to
hypnotize," Ranma stated as he took his chair and began watching the
performance in spite of his stated disdain for it.
I know this Ranma is a bit cockier than canon Ranma, but Ranma has
been mind-affected before,and has dabbled in hypnotism
himself. (Making Ryouga hug anybody who says 'pig' for example). Seems
odd that he'd be quite so dismissive. Or bragging about the sharpness
of his mind -- I could see Ranma talking about his willpower, but I
don't think he ever pretends he's a supergenius.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sometimes you have a lead capital X, and sometimes just xs. I don't
know if that's meaningful or not.
Xxxxxxxxxxxx
Kachiko stretched her head back, pouring the contents of the glass down her
throat. It felt like drinking liquid fire as every inch of flesh that came
into contact with it burned. Her eyes blurred in pain from the path the
liquid took.
"'Prairie Fire' is aptly named, isn't it?" the bartender asked.
"Got that right." Kachiko wiped the tears from her eyes. Even her nose was
running from the effect from the mixture of Tequila and Tabasco. "Let me try
the effect of
something else."
"How about a Harvey Wallbanger?"
Kachiko reached across the bar and grabbed the man by the collar of his
shirt. "Hey now, just because I've had a few drinks, don't you go thinking
you can get away with propositioning me with a kinky sex move named after
some guy called Harvey."
This seemed forced
Kachiko steadied her. "Whoa, there. Having some problems walking, huh?"
"Not really," Kasumi said blissfully, then spotted the shot glass. She
pointed in its general direction. "Is that for me?"
"No," Kachiko said.
"Good." Kasumi picked up the glass and downed the contents in a quick gulp
before Kachiko could prevent her.
Nice.
"That was mine." Kachiko stared mournfully at the empty vessel.
"Would you like it back?" Kasumi offered.
"No, that's all right. You keep it. I'm sure you'll put it to good use." She
patted Kasumi on the head. "You know, I was afraid you'd be an angry drunk,
like Wakaba, but you're actually pretty lively without being rude. You
should drink more often."
"How about now?" Kasumi asked.
"No, it's probably best you not drink for a while. Drink any more, and
you'll be floating away like a fish." Kachiko laughed hard at her own
perceived joke.
Kasumi frowned. "You know, despite how much I've drunken, that still doesn't
sound remotely funny."
"I've drank" (or "I've drunk"), not drunken. Unless this is a side-effect of
how drunken Kasumi is.
"I bet if you had another drink it'd be funny."
Kasumi shook her head. "There's not enough alcohol in the world. I'm sorry,
Mother."
"Kachi! Kachi!" the time lost girl insisted. "People will think we're in
some kind of kinky relationship if you call me that."
Kasumi held up her hand, as though something had just occurred to her. "I
almost forgot. I came over here for a reason."
"To steal my drinks?"
"If you'd like," Kasumi said.
Nice again.
It took Kasumi a moment to collect her thoughts. "Oh, yes. I've been
spending time dancing with some men that are sweet enough to buy me drinks.
As many as I want. However, when we've been dancing, some of them having
been grabbing my bottom and grinding their crotches into me. While it's not
an altogether unpleasant feeling, especially down in 'that place,' I'm not
sure this is appropriate behavior. I wanted your advice on what to do about
it."
And this feels too collected given how far her sail is to the wind.
There was another cry of pain from the dance floor. Evidently Kasumi was
having some luck. Kachiko rose from her bar stool, nearly falling over as
the room swayed and the floor tried to dart out from under her, and made her
way back to the daughter that was older than her. Wouldn't the guys get a
kick out of that when she told them that story?
Xxxxxxxx
Soun heard the front door slam open as Ranma's voice reached his ears.
"And I'm telling you there's no way I was hypnotized into acing like a
acting
Kasumi appeared put off, an almost unheard of condition for her. "I'll have
you know I only had twelve or thirtyteen drinks this evening. I am barely
the thirtyteen is intentional?
feeling tipsy." She moved to Akane and hugged her as well.
Uncertain of how to react, Akane just accepted the display of affection. As
Kasumi moved away, Akane noticed her own clothing had taken on a somewhat
alcoholic scent. She didn't' want to know how much one had to drink to cause
didn't
that, only that Kachiko was to blame for it.
as written, that suggests that Akane wants to know only that Kachiko
was to blame for it, rather than that Akane knows only that Kachiko
was to blame for it. Possibly what you intended, possibly not.
As the last word left her lips, Kasumi seemed to realize what she said, and
who they were directed to. Suddenly, the agony in her skull was dwarfed by
the pain of comprehension of what she had just done. Horror filled her, and
she wished with all her might she could take back what she said.
Sobbing worse than ever, she pleaded, "I'm sorry, Mother. I spoke out of
turn. Please forgive me." Any punishment Kachiko leveled against her
wouldn't make up for the terrible things Kasumi said about her. Just so long
as she wasn't angry with her and reject her. That she couldn't bear.
The pronouns here get confusing, and the implications unclear. Sug
"Just so long as her mother wouldn't reject her"
------
Seems like this is starting to wrap up issues, which will be good for
the next part. Some of the scenes were quite good (Kasumi dealing with
her mother at the bar), but there were a few that I thought you were
forcing the dialogue to get a joke out. Kachiko is feeling more like a
regular cast member than an ANC at this point, which is good.