Greetings.

I apologize for taking so long to reply, but free time is a rare commodity.
Good RK fics were always difficult to find in the FFML --and nowadays
they're just difficult to find, period-- so I thought the only one I've been
following lately deserved some public commentary.

Take everything I say with a grain of salt the size of my ego, and remember
this is only my opinion.

_________________________________________________

Rurouni Yahiko
A Rurouni Kenshin continuation fic
By Chester Casta�eda
gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph
http://www.geocities.com/gabriel_abdiel/fanfiction.htm
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1280855
http://rakhal.com/florestica/abdiel
http://www26.brinkster.com/callie/

< > indicates character thoughts
" " indicates character speech

This is unnecessary, and it can be inferred from the context. And if it
can't, well, then you should fix that. :)

_________________________________________________

Chapter 5: Refrain
_________________________________________________

Refrain? Wonder how this fits... Maybe Seta refrains from chopping Yahiko
into little pieces?

     "Psycho-kid!" Yahiko yelled. "That last attack was pathetic! I
was cut deeper by an old, decrepit ninja!"

     <This is beginning to become... a fight to enjoy,> Soujiro Seta
thought as he prepared his attacking stance once more. "Really? That's
nice. I'd like to comment on your performance as well, but unfortunately
your sword has yet to touch me."

"his attacking stance" sounds a tad off to me. Maybe "offensive stance",
instead? Also, I'm not sure "prepared" is the best verb in this case...
maybe "settled into"?

     Yahiko nearly growled at his adversary's... mostly correct remark.
<It's one thing for him to insult my sword skills since he's a better
swordsman and all... but to do it with that smiley face of his!? If he
thinks he's so hot, then he should challenge me to a fist fight to see
who's the better man!>

Then again, Saitou proved swordsmen weren't pushovers when it came to
fistfights, so that might not be the best idea. :P

* Soujiro beats up Yahiko.
<Yahiko> U-urk.... ouch... if you think you're -ow- so hot... then y-you
should challenge me to... a cooking contest!

     <Yahiko-san... Seta-kun... they're both really good fighters. I
sort of envy them, knowing my vast inexperience in swordsmanship,> Kyoko
thought in awe as she openly gawked at the two prodigies.

Maybe you should put this paragraph later on? (If at all needed.) It adds
nothing to the scene, and it might detract from the action and the stars of
the scene, Yahiko and Soujiro.

     <Psyche me out, will you? Well, two can play this game!> the spiky-
haired young lad thought as he visibly tried to calm himself down.
"Hmph... I don't know about that. I _was_ able to anticipate your last
attack."

     "Yes, I must confess that it was an incredible, one-time fluke. I
applaud your efforts," Soujiro cheerfully admitted.

     Yahiko tried his best not to fall face-first on the ground in utter
mortification. That done, he angrily rejoined, "Oh yeah? Well, your last
attack sucked!" <Why did it suck? It nearly gutted me like a fish.>
"Because... it was... far slower than your second attack and... and...
just a little faster than your first attack!" <I think...>

Now that's sharp wit.

     The spiky-haired boy then blinked as he finally noticed something
amiss. <Hey, what happened to psycho-kid's hand guard?> His eyes widened
in disbelief. <Did I... break it? Could I... have actually come close to
hitting him?!>

Wow, shiny pretty nitpick!

You used "!?" earlier on, and now you use "?!". I favor the latter, myself,
but I've seen both. It would be an idea to be consistent, though.

     Soujiro narrowed his eyes at the Tokyo Samurai ominously, though it
came out looking more like a blissful closed-eye expression because of
his gleeful smile. <He is correct. I used two steps before the Shukuchi
in my last attack. Can Yahiko-san actually tell how fast my Shukuchi
is?>

     The former Ten Ken took an unhesitating step forward, waking up
from his own meanderings. <Hm... I'll believe it once I see it,> he
thought. To Yahiko, he said, "If so, then prepare yourself. Here I go."

     Soujiro's visage completely disappeared within the span of a
fraction of a second.

If you stop and think about it, this shukuchi thingie is a Dragon Ball
ripoff. :P

     Yahiko's heart palpitated faster. He closed his eyes as the furious
yet subtle beats of Soujiro's footsteps came nearer and nearer. <Looks
like he called my bluff! He's charging again like nothing happened!
Okay, Yahiko... _pray_ that it wasn't a fluke.>

Heh. Well put.

***


     A visage of Kaoru suddenly entered Yahiko's mind's eye. Or was it
Chizuru? The Descendant of Tokyo Samurai wasn't completely sure.

"A visage of" sounds a tad awkward to me. Might try rephrasing that somehow.
(Simply "Kaoru's visage", maybe?)

By the way, as I read it, Yahiko is remembering something from his past as
Soujiro attacks. Since you're actually including a sort of lead-in, I'm not
sure you need that scene break.

     He was then whacked on the head with a shinai.

     "You got it all wrong again! Pay attention to what you're doing!"

     Yup, it was definitely a visage of Kaoru, all right.

     "What now, old hag?" the ten-year-old version of Yahiko's self
growled irritably. "I got the whole exercise right, didn't I? I did the
dumb move perfectly!"

     "Technically... yes, you did do the 'dumb' move correctly," Kaoru
acquiesced in a tone that wasn't very acquiescent at all. "But I wasn't
talking about the move... you got the execution all wrong! A true
Kamiya Kasshin Ryu practitioner should have...."

Hmm. Shaky territory, but since that wasn't the end of Kaoru's line, and
Yahiko simply stopped paying attention, I do believe you need only three
dots. Periods. You know what I mean. :)

     Yahiko yawned as he blocked the rest of Kaoru's rant from his
mind. <Blah, blah, blah... why the hell is she so fussy? What got her
ponytail in a knot? Like she said, I practically mastered the Hiza-
something-or-whatever already! Does she really need to harp on me all
the time?> he wondered to himself irritably as he idly cleaned his ear
with his pinky.

Both in real life and particularly in the Rurouni Kenshin universe, the
names of the techniques were important. I believe he would at least know
that, if he's as familiar with it as you imply.

I do enjoy the fact that Yahiko seems reluctant to embrace the philosophy of
Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, or even the spirit behind its techniques. That's one of
the things I like about this fic, in fact. That Yahiko tried to combine KKR
and Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu seemed to be in character and logical, considering
his life story.

He isn't as calm and collected as he appeared in the epilogue Yahiko no
Sakabatou, on the other hand, but I'm willing to concede this much for the
sake of the story. Besides, the story might be set before it (not sure if
you've clarified that), and I imagine it's debatable, too. :)

[...]

     Chizuru had been worriedly pacing back and forth inside the
Sakaguchi soba shop for hours on end ever since that fateful afternoon.
Little wonder... she did have a lot to think about. <What the hell's
taking that brat so long?>

     She remembered Yahiko's earlier statement... it resounded in her
consciousness as clearly as an echo would in a deep valley.

You need to capitalize "It", methinks.

     "The vagabond's true name... it's not Himura Battousai. It's
Himura Kenshin," she repeated to herself. "Kenshin... what a weird
name." It wasn't that the name was strange... it was just that, for
Chizuru, it seemed strange for the anonymous vagabond to actually have a
name.

Er, why?

     Chizuru shook her head vehemently. "Unbelievable... who would have
thought that _that_ rude young boy could actually know, much less be in
league with the Battousai himself? Absolutely unbelievable...."

Comma after "with".

     Actually, it was feasible in a sense... after all, the Battousai
she knew... the rurouni... was a complete and total wimp. For the
vagabond to associate with a foul-mouthed brat like Yahiko... and, say,
a look-alike of herself and a strong, gangster-type of fellow... wasn't
really that much of a stretch to the imagination. In fact, it seemed
rather... apt.

Hmm. Considering this paragraph and a few before it, I think you're
overusing the ellipses. The prose reads stilted and off when there're too
many of them close together. Try using dashes, colons and semi-colons
wherever possible.

     Chizuru blinked. "Where the hell did that come from?" She was
having weird thoughts again. This wasn't the time for such silliness.

Didn't seem that weird to me.

     The young lady then looked at the small clock atop a nearby table
worriedly, and even more so at Nonoko's sleeping form on the table
across her. "Poor Sakaguchi-san... to have her husband transferred to
another district was tough enough... but to also have her daughter run
away like that during a sensitive time like this is another matter
altogether."

     The Kaoru-look-alike then recalled the last thing Yahiko said to
her before he left.

     "Later... I won't be long," the spiky-haired boy had called out
that momentous afternoon.

Um. At the beginning of the scene you said "fateful afternoon". Considering
that, you might just be overdoing it here.

[...]

     "I hope I know what I'm doing," Yahiko whispered to himself as he
eyed a nearby bamboo grove behind him. He then quickly backed up towards
the said grove, keeping his wary eyes on the quickly approaching gushes
on the ground care of Soujiro's rapid footwork.

"towards said"

And there's something off in the last sentence, although I'm not sure what
you meant to write. Reword.

     "Always remember that the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu is a defensive martial
arts school... it isn't designed to overwhelm an opponent with pure
offense... it's no Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu!" Yahiko could almost hear Kaoru
lecture in his head. "The best way to execute a Kamiya Kasshin Ryu
maneuver is to fight defensively... at least _Yuta-Kun_ understands
this...."

YAHIKO: Yuta-kun can only use one arm, so he doesn't count! So there!

I think Japanese suffixes such as "-kun" shouldn't be capitalized.

     <Shut up, you old hag,>  Yahiko mentally scolded, berating the
voice in his head. <Okay... let's remember the _important_ things
raccoon-girl said....>

Extraneous space before "Yahiko".

     "First rule... set up the distance properly... a mere inch may mean
the difference between life and death," Yahiko began reciting to himself
mockingly, mimicking Kaoru's high-pitched whine, enumerating everything
in his head as if he had it all memorized by heart.

     The beatings on the ground began to get louder as it came nearer to
the boy.

The ground didn't come nearer, so "as Soujiro came", "as they came" -- or
rephrase. BTW, "beatings" isn't the word you're looking for, I believe.

     "Second rule...  position yourself carefully so that you could limit
your opponent's movements. Use your environment and surroundings to your
advantage."

"you can limit", perhaps?

     He took a deep breath as he placed himself in front of the cluster
of bamboo in such a way that it looked like he was cornered at a dead
end. In actuality, it helped Yahiko limit Soujiro's choices of attack...
a side attack would be too awkward and a rear attack was out of the
question with such a position. There was only one option of assault: a
frontal one.

"In actuality" is correct, but it sounds weird to me. :)

     <Third rule... anticipate. As an inch may mean the difference
between life and death, so does a mere fraction of a second. It's all
about timing. You may be able to execute a move perfectly, but if the
timing is off, then it'll all be over for you.>

     Yahiko then fell into his usual ready stance, his eyes fixed on the
zigzagging patterns of Soujiro's mostly undetectable assault.

     He then heaved a frustrated sigh.

     He looked at the charging Soujiro in chagrin... he was looking
in chagrin because he could not see a charging Soujiro at all.

"He was looking" Capitalize. Cute, though.

     <Hm... I may have a little problem with that third rule Kaoru
gave.> The Tokyo Samurai's son gritted his teeth in frustration. If he
attacked with the Hiza Hijiki too early, he'd be wide open... if he
attacked too late, well, he'd be too dead to regret it. <Dammit... of
all the people I get to fight, why did it have to be Kenshin junior?>

Heh.

     Yahiko flinched as a gust of wind brushed up against his face.
Thinking that it was Soujiro finally ready to attack, he reflexively
backed up a few paces in surprise.

     He winced as he retreated too far into the bamboo grove, his
injured shoulder accidentally bumping into one of the stalks. He felt
pain anew. His eyes blurred a bit as he fought through the pain. He
concentrated hard to regain focus.

Too many short sentences, so it sounds a bit wooden. Not to mention three of
the sentences begin with "He". More variation would help.

[...]

***

Definitely no need for a scene break. There're other, better ways to pause
the narrative for a moment. It would have made for a killer cliffhanger,
though. :P

[...]

      Soujiro suddenly let out several furious beatings from his
powerful legs to halt his momentum. The ex-Heaven Sword then quickly
retreated a good distance away from Yahiko as the younger boy
overextended himself.

Same comment as before regarding "beatings". Also, this could be described
better, considering it's a key moment in the fight.

      <Impossible! How could he...?!>

It's called "absurdly powerful foes" and "the wonders of shounen manga",
Yahiko. :P

      Yahiko was now wide open.

      With no further disputation nor contention, the former Ten Ken
shattered the distance between him and Yahiko as he charged again with
his Shukuchi.

***

Another break you might want to skip.

     Kyoko almost let out a scream as Yahiko left himself vulnerable to
Soujiro's counterattack. <No... Seta-kun... don't!>

It will be interesting to see what you made of Seta-kun's post-manga life,
considering his actions. It's pretty obvious he wasn't the one that
slaughtered all those thugs --would've been interesting if the readers
actually shared Yahiko's doubts in that respect, actually-- but still.

     <What now?> Yahiko heard himself think as he just crouched there,
stupefied. Another voice... a familiar one... provided him with the
answer. The voice was his own.

     "The marriage of two techniques... one of perfect defense and the
other of unstoppable offense..." Yahiko whispered to himself as he saw
Soujiro vanish in the blink of an eye. He then immediately readjusted
his overextension as he took on a different pose.

     The exhilaration from Yahiko's own adrenaline rush overwhelmed him
so much that his overexcited breathing began to suffocate him.

Hmm. The three "over-something"s in these last two sentences caught my eye
as I read on. Might want to rewrite.

[...]

     <Calm down... deep breath... composure...> Yahiko cooed to himself
as he fought against the growing annoyance inside of him. Soujiro really
was one of the few people that could really get under his skin.

Few people? Saitou, Kaoru, Sano, Misao... Either he's lying to himself, or
you're thinking of someone else. :P

     The sixteen-year-old was about to rejoin with something nasty about
Soujiro's ancestry but stopped himself cold as he saw the look in the
older boy's eyes.

     Those eyes... it chilled Yahiko to the bone. It was as if he was
staring Death in the eye.

Either "they chilled" or capitalize "It".

     "You seem very fond of Himura-san's Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu... but you
do not have a monopoly on his techniques."

Y'know. If it were possible to learn Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu techniques by
watching them a few times, they wouldn't be so legendary. I can buy that
Yahiko would be able to create reasonably good facsimiles with Kenshin's
occasional instruction and years of living with him and watching him fight,
but Soujiro knowing them is straining my suspension of disbilief.

He _is_ a genius, though, so what the heck. But my advice would be to tone
down his knowledge on the school.

[...]

Ditto about the scene breaks.

General comment: sometimes when you quote Yahiko's thoughts in the middle of
the tensest moment of the fight you're creating a pause you might not want.
Besides, it seems as if you were having him explain himself how he feels, as
opposed to showing us with his actions and reactions.

     Yahiko slowly drew his sakabatou back until it nearly touched his
spine. He then closed his eyes once again as he walked towards Soujiro's
charge, his only certainty was doubt.

Either drop "was", or change the last comma for a dash or a period.

     He then struck as hard as he could with the sakabatou, putting his
trust on an ambiguous gamble.

I don't quite manage to picture what he did in my head.

     <Oh no... this is...?> His eyes then widened. <Is this what he
meant by...?!>

     "You seem very fond of Himura-san's Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu... but you
do not have a monopoly on his techniques," Yahiko remembered Soujiro
say, finally understanding the true meaning behind the unsaid threat.

Is it me or Yahiko's really dumb? :P

[...]

Lots of snippage is the sign of good writing... or lazy C&Cing. :P

     Soujiro's thought back to a move that Kenshin Himura had used on
him when they had battled. He had dodged it, but he seriously doubted
Yahiko could... especially with the help of his Shukuchi.

"Soujiro thought", I guess. Although you might have meant something else.

[...]

     <Dammit... Soujiro's going to execute a multi-hit attack?! No
good... I'm wide open, I won't be able to defend!> Yahiko thought in
panic. His eyes then widened. <Oh no! This is...! Is this what he meant
by...?!>

He'd already thought this. It's a bit frustrating to go over it twice.

     "Kuzu Ryu Sen," Soujiro said as he became visible for a split-
second before he vanished once again as he began the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu
technique.

Hmm. I wonder... what good is Soujiro's speed if he has to stop for a second
before performing Kenshin's technique? To get close to Yahiko?

Oh, by the way, why did Soujiro's eyes widened in surprise at the end of the
last scene? No reason to be surprised as he makes mincemeat out of Yahiko.
Unless his widening is the same widening that occurs later on in this
scene... If that's the case, I'd suggest to skip the first reference to it.

     Yahiko couldn't believe his ears. <He can... he can use _that_
move? What kind of guy is he?!>

Not a SI, at any rate. This is not the author's fault, blame the mangaka. :P

     Blurring into motion, Soujiro flew forward into the darkness, and
was rewarded an instant later with the soft feeling of unyielding flesh
on the edge of his sword.

"unyielding"? Flesh? Against a sword? Hmm.

     It didn't hurt that older boy had misjudged the distance slightly,
either. What he lacked in Himura's precision, however, he made up for in
speed.

It didn't hurt? What did you mean there? It did hurt Yahiko, and it did hurt
the effectiveness of Yahiko's attack.

     Needless to say, though not all of the nine strikes of Soujiro's
Kuzu Ryu Sen struck home, it was still undoubtedly a very painful blow.

Hmm. You might be overexplaining it... I'd just describe the extent of
Yahiko's injuries, and let readers decide whether it was painful or not.

     Yahiko's samurai blood was then sprayed all over the landscape a
moment later.

YAHIKO: Good thing I still keep my street-urchin blood for emergencies.

     Agony. The Tokyo Samurai couldn't think... because of it....
<Somebody... anybody... stop the pain.... please...> he beseeched to no
one in particular... the mere fact that he was in such a pathetic
condition not angering him in the least simply because it was hard as
hell to think of anything else except the unworldly pain that was now
coursing through his entire body.

"besought", IIRC, but it's a bit too lofty a word for me.

[...]

     Kyoko then got a good look at Soujiro's sword. The blade was
mostly clean, ever after its sordid task... it just went to show how
much of a skilled swordsman Soujiro was, being able to swing his sword
so fast that not even the blood of his slaughtered enemies could stain
it.

"It just"

     <Seta-kun's attack was so ferocious that his sword is actually
vibrating!>

SOUJIRO: Hmm... do.

     Kyoko then noticed something amiss. <Wait a second... why is
it...?>

Heh. So many people trailed off in this chapter that I'm feeling like
throttling her while shouting "Say it, dammit! Say it!" :)

     Soujiro's crouching apparition disappeared a moment later.

And yet he's still there when Yahiko recovers enough to notice... so huh?

[...]

     "Do your best... ganbare, Yahiko-kun!" a feminine voice in his
mind earnestly said.

Gratuitous Japanese was always par for the course in RK fanfiction, but I
never liked it. What's wrong with "good luck"? :)

     <Tsubame...?>

     The last vestiges of slumber and exhaustion disappeared from his
person then and there. <No... I still have to fight. Not yet... it's not
yet over!>

     He then felt as swift presence, like a breeze of some sort, brush
up against him... a fraction of a second later, he then felt the cold
bite of steel on the surface of his neck.

"a swift" and you used "he then" twice in the same sentence.

     Perhaps he had his realization... a bit too late?

Y'know, if you ended the story here, you would've written the longest
spamfic ever. ;)

***


     <Split second speed... the multidirectional attack wasn't his true
speed, this is! He came before the droplets of my blood had fallen on
the ground... before I could open my eyelids after closing them in a
reflexive blink... before my life could pass before my eyes... before
this thought even started.... AM I DEAD?>

Errr. Guess that explains why she saw Soujiro disappear, eh? Interesting...
although having Yahiko commenting on the droplets of his blood seems too
much.

[...]

     "Don't play your mind games on me again, psycho-kid! We saw you
cleaning your blade... and... and..." Yahiko said, trailing-off a bit
as he realized some important inconsistencies in his reasoning. <Okay,
so a swordsman cleaning his blade isn't exactly enough to label him
a murderer... but if it wasn't him, then I don't know whether I should
be ashamed or angry!>

"to trail off" isn't hyphenated, as far as I know.

And ashamed, Yahiko, ashamed.

     "Hm... it does kind of make sense, what Seta-kun is saying,"
Kyoko agreed embarrassedly, blushing a bit in mortification. "We may
have been a bit... presumptuous... ne, Yahiko-san?"

This is why I think you should have made Soujiro's appearance a bit more
incriminating. As it is now, both Kyoko and Yahiko look like fools -- and
they accept the obvious too fast in light of this later on. Especially
Kyoko.

[...]

     "Of course it wasn't Himura-san," Soujiro agreed. He considered
leaving it at that... he didn't want Yahiko or Kyoko to be involved in
any of this 'Battousai' business... but he felt obliged to explain
everything to them, after having such a splendid duel and all.

Definitely dashes instead of ellipses in this case. And I'd drop the last
comma, and the "and all", which might be fine for colloquial speech but
doesn't sound right to me in prose.

[...]

     Soujiro's expression, albeit the smile, was completely unreadable.
"Like I said before... I'm not clean enough for redemption. Contrary to
what your mother believes, I am no angel."

"despite" instead of "albeit", I think. Or "in spite of". Or the like.

[...]

     He easily passed the plains in six seconds flat... the main road
was already nearby. He was making good time with his current speed. <But
what really caught my eye was the strike that he used during my Kuzu
Ryu Sen....>

I'd expect this kind of speed would take a toll...

     Soujiro's ubiquitous smile grew wider in reminiscence. <The strike
that was able to make my sword vibrate furiously... it was the same
strike that broke my hand guard a while back.>

Hmm. I see what caused his surprise in that moment... well, I'm C&Cing this
as I read it, so it's expected to happen. At least you get an impression of
what puzzles your readers. ;)

[...]

     "Yo," a silhouette of a man casually greeted to his quickly
approaching cohort. The man stayed still in the shadows of a crude,
rundown shack... he was most comfortable there, after all.  "How was
last night's little hunt?"

"He was"

     "Don't go there," the younger companion said in monotone as he
approached the older man's makeshift hut. "Besides, I'm messy. I'm going
to take a bath. Don't disturb me."

     "Very well, very well... but really, you should have let those
thugs be. What if Akahori's men found out about you? That would
seriously ruin our time table, y'know."

"timetable", innit?

[...]

Interesting that the villain actually resembles Kenshin, even going as far
as recreating his scar. Looking forward to the story behind that.

     Yahiko stood up quickly as soon as he realized the precarious
position he and the older girl was in... he then winced in agony as he
felt the pain return. He plopped down the ground in anguish. <Dammit...
this time I really _am_ beaten up.>

"girl were in... He then"

[...]

     "Sumimasen," Kyoko apologized in a decisively unapologetic manner
as she giggled some more.

*coughgratuitousjapanesecough*

:)

     "Feh," Yahiko retorted, looking away.

This might just plant the seed of a IY/RK fusion in the mind of some sicko.
:)

Another general comment: you seem to use "he then" and "they then" an awful
lot. Just something I noticed and you might want to keep an eye on.

[...]

     Upon further realization of their current posture, they then
quickly departed from each other's familiar encirclement.

"encirclement"? Not sure the word fits here.

     "So the prodigal daughter had returned... welcome back!" Chizuru
'cheerfully' greeted Kyoko as she twisted the younger girl's left ear.
"Now go back to your mother so that she could cook up the proper
punishment for you, young lady."

"has returned..." right? "so that she can cook", too.

[...]

     Agony. The Tokyo Samurai couldn't think... because of it....
<Somebody... anybody... stop the pain.... please...> he beseeched to no
one in particular... the mere fact that he was in such a pathetic
condition not angering him in the least simply because it was hard as
hell to think of anything else except the unworldly pain that was now
coursing through his entire body.

Heheh. Okay, I liked the repetition. Funny. :)

     "Help... meee..." Yahiko whimpered one last time before the silken
bleakness once again draped itself over his consciousness.

Nice ending.

Next: Gan, the White Tiger.

Oh, so we're going into a subplot before Yahiko once again stumbles upon
Soujiro and the pseudo-Battousai? Or is Gan Battousai's mysterious older
acquaintance? In any case, it should be interesting.

Got to love that Soujiro, eh? Deux ex Soujiro, he is. :P To give
you an idea of how I'm going to use him in the storyline (if it
isn't obvious enough), it's like this... it's like how
Inoue-sensei would use Rukawa of Slam Dunk fame or how Capcom
would use Gouki of Street Fighter fame... got it? Good.

Got it. It'll be interesting to see Yahiko finally found the way to merge
KKR and HMR, since I imagine that'd be the natural pinnacle of this
adventure.

Hm... a lot less Himura family interaction in this chapter...
hopefully, as the mood of the story goes back to a more cheerful
tone, they'll return. ^_^

Sure would love to see Tsubame's reaction to the suddenly-affectionate
Kyoko. :)

Well, that's it for this chapter. Despite all the nitpicks, it was a good
one, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Prose flowed reasonably well (although I'd
cut down on the quoted thoughts and scene breaks), and there were hardly any
typos or grammar errors. Your slightly grown-up Yahiko makes for an
interesting main character, and it was a good idea to bring an established
RK character such as Soujiro as his first opponent.

I recommend FFMLers who enjoy RK fic to read this one. Original
continuations that are actually viable and truth to the source are hard to
find, after all.

Looking forward to the next installment, Chester, and thanks for writing and
sharing. :)

Farewell!

Latin_D




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