Arthur Hansen wrote:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Disruptor" <mathews1@gte.net>
To: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Friday, November 28, 2003 5:33 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Slayers]Lina's Alternate Adventure ch01-05

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01

Lina woke up with a start and looked around.  "Gourry?"

Maybe a bit more about the description on where she is, basically her
childhood bedroom.

Point.

This may sound weird, but this doesn't *sound* like Lina. This was actually
the one big problem that I had with this fic is that Lina doesn't sound
right.

I agree with you.  I'll rework it.

 Lina paid Bervo some more gold and took the book.  She read
through the book and mentally went over her funds.  She shook her head
in sad amusement.

Lina greed time! ;) Usually Lina is such a tightwd with the dough, she just
oozes her ill temper and greed.

Usually.  But there are things she doesn't quibble over the price.  Lodgings at
an inn for one.  Food for another.  In the manga, it looked like she just paid
the guild fees for using the library resources.

 'She's earned her Color, but I'm going to take her down a notch.
Let's see how she handles a dragon.'

Not enough descriptive here. What sort of dragon? A black one like she faced
when she first ran into Gourr?

Hmmm.  You're right.  I will have to add to this.

 Barvacian stood up and proclaimed.  "Lina Inverse you have passed
your test of Mastery and I hereby award you the Title of Color.  You
are now Lina the Pink."

Why Lina the Pink? This would be a neat area to show that things *don't*
stay the same. Unless there's a reason Barvacian would only give her that
one.

I'll rework this.

 "I'm going to need a sword," Lina said, as she banged each sword
into a boulder along the flat of the blade.

Hmm. I've read through this earlier. Is there supposed to be a clue that
future Lina is still feeding her past self possible information? This would
be a good point to do so.

Not for this nonsense.  I should have put in that Lina rushed off in such a
hurry that she forgot to take a sword with her.  She's just trying to find a
decent sword.

 Lina opened her mind to her sphere and allowed her knowledge to
flow inside it.  She looked back in and was astounded by how much
information she had added.  Spells, history, knowledge of magical
artifacts.

It's pretty interesting what I think you have set up here. Lina's Claire
Bible! ;)

That was the general idea.  ^_^  Also acts as a memory aide to Lina

 Even with the knowledge she had in the sphere, no answers were
forthcoming.

Something that future Lina didn't know about? Or is it too painful for her
to think about? Hmm.

The Blast Blade?  No.  In the anime, Lina never encountered the sword.  In the
manga, it is the sword Gourry eventually gets to replace the Sword of Light.  It
took Milgasia to identify the silly thing.   She just doesn't know what that
sword is

Hmm. Is this the same sort of thing that happened when future-Lina and
Gourry showed up with the sword in the future?

I don't understand the question.  The notes at the beginning of the fic, said
that this a a complete rework of Heaven's Arrow, if that's what you mean.

Sorry I couldn't got the whole story. It's a really intriguing story and I
love where its headed, but I'm just too tired right now. I'm a bit under the
weather.

No problem.  Your comments are helpful in getting this fic into shape.


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