OK, while most people are busy fighting over one aspect of the fic, I
thought I'd tackle other issues...

The scene was blurry and faded by the passage of time
and numerous impacts by blunt objects to the head.

But he could still see the sandbox.

And the plump stuffed beaver animal doll.

He would never ever forget anything looking *that* silly.

"Do you want to know a secret?"

Two kids were playing in the sand, one slightly bigger then other.

He couldn't make out their faces, only vague shadows and impressions.

Ur... Even in narrative, and even in dream-state, it's not good form to
use so many single sentences. Lines like this are supposed to stand out
in order to lend them heightened significance in relation to the rest of
the narration, but by splitting them all apart it causes the text
structure to feel disjointed and halting, telegraph-like. It also makes
the mental imagery feel more like a bullet-point checklist than an
actual linear flow.

Three sentences are the absolute minimum for complete paragraphs:
introduction, exposition, conclusion. Single-sentence lines are used
only for ideas that are complete and do not carry over into the next
line of thoughts. However, you *can* choose which sentence you wish to
add the "punch" to by proper placing within the paragraph. Thus, you can
join them as such:

"The scene was blurry and faded with the passage of time, and numerous
impacts [to the head] by blunt objects. But he could still see the
sandbox, and the plump stuffed beaver [animal] doll. He would never ever
forget anything looking *that* silly."

The segments in brackets are wholly unncessary, really.

It was rare for him to be able to get up like a normal person.

Thanks to the usual suspects mornings usually came too damn early for

him.

But this morning none of them had shown up yet.

Weird.

He wondered how long his luck would last today.

If previous experiences were any indicator, probably not much longer.

Er... it's rare, at least in the manga, for him to be woken up by random
weirdness. The guy can sleep through earthquakes. And even then, early
manga suggests morning routines of training and washing up, not
unprovoked attacks from anyone but Happousai.

With a yawn and a groan, he threw off the warmth of the blanket
and sat up on the beaten up old futon.

It might beat sleeping on the ground but not by much.

The Tendos didn't have the slightest clue of how good they had it

here.

There had been times on the training trip when Ranma would have

happily

kicked somebody else's ass to be able to sleep on a real mattress.

Considering that he spent pretty much all of his life living on the
road, I don't think that he'd scoff at sleeping indoors, on a futon.

The brisk morning chill in the air worked better then any cup of

coffee

to shake the last cobwebs of slumber from his body. From his new

vantage

point he was able to see that the angle of the light streaming in from
the window was relatively low, indicating that he probably hadn't

overslept much.

A pity, he could have used the extra rest.

Is this because of the dream? If not, it sounds a little off, coming
from him...

Which was just as well, because there was a strange
restlessness in him today, and it bothered him.

...more so because of this line right here.

{What am I missing?}

Ranma had been so preoccupied that he'd hardly tasted breakfast.

It might as well have been mush and gruel,
he probably wouldn't have noticed any difference.

Again, you've slipped into using single-sentence fragments. You weren't
using them during the "Ranma wakes up" scene, and they're REALLY not
necessary.

Tired of putting up with the strange looks that Akane and Nabiki
had been giving him all morning he'd decided to go out for a walk.

It had taken him a bit longer to lose them when they'd tried
to follow him. But the final outcome had never been in doubt.

After all, neither one of them were up to roof hopping.

Why were they giving him strange looks? Maybe he was too quiet? Even if
the point of view hovers over Ranma's shoulder, these little tidbits
need some explanation. Particularly if they're *so* intrigued by his
behavior that they themselves break character and follow him around
without even speaking to him.

<snip>

Suddenly he didn't feel like walking anymore.

The previous scene is nice and appropriate for purposes of the plot and
character development, but it reads a bit abrupt. Maybe mention that
this feeling has been growing and growing over the past few days/weeks,
just as the dreams mentioned above, so that Ranma's feelings become more
of a nostalgic longing than a sudden craving.

Soun was weeping, whether in happiness or sorrow
he didn't know. Not that it made much of a difference
to him either way.

Hey, now, Ranma may not see eye-to-eye with Soun on many things, but he
does respect Mr. Tendou to a point. At the very least he'd wonder what
was going on instead of dismissing it as "not making much of a
difference to him."

Looking at Kasumi didn't help. She would probably
still have that same happy little expression even
if Martians were to suddenly invade the neighborhood
with handheld Deathrays while screaming about
"Love and Peace!"

Ah, "stoned Kasumi" ^_^ One of the other, little-known fanon
characterizations *runs for the hills*

Seriously, though, Kasumi may be level and amiable like no other, but
she's not happy little airhead either.

And why was Akane giving him such a dirty look?

Ah, this is where it starts, I figure :P

At first glance it looked empty, but then he noticed
a small letter that had somehow been overlooked by
the others and was still lying hidden inside.

He pulled it out slowly, it seemed to have escaped the
notice of everyone else who had gone through his mail
and he was determined to protect this small remmant of
his personal privacy.

Given the rest of the contents, I find it strange that no one has spoken
even a word to him at this point. If both Nabiki and Akane were eyeing
him (with their respective styles) as soon as he entered, one of them
*must* have said something. To have them stay silent throughout this
scene, despite their own reactions to his entrance, is odd.

Genma had never told him.

He didn't know how long he kept staring at the paper
clutched in his hands, his eyes blurring from the pain
in his heart that he could not, dared not acknowledge.

He was a man. And men did not cry.

Elaborate a bit more on this. If he has only started wondering about his
family today, I don't think he has built up enough of a longing for a
grandmother he never even knew existed. His reaction is perfectly
acceptable, I'm just saying that its development needs more than three
sentences and a qualitative.

"Perfect! We can hold the wedding ceremony immediately, Saotome!
After all these years, our retirement of beer and shogi has come!"

.........

Soun is NOT that rude. I'd believe it (with justification) from Genma,
but not from Mr. Tendou. He has no idea what the money is for or how it
got to Ranma, and he knows it doesn't belong to him. At worst, he'd plan
to use the money on the doujou or the wedding itself, but it's not like
sudden windfalls cause him to flock to the nearest bar.

Bile clawed at Ranma's tightening throat while his shaken
mind tried to cope with this unbelievable turn of events.

"I won't marry him!"

"We don't even know where that came from!"

At least, that's the line I would have expected out of sheer reflex.

The training, his sacrifices, the loneliness.

All of it for nothing.

No home. No real friends. Not even a bed to call his own.

And now this.

Again, the introspection is OK, but it NEEDS further development in
previous scenes.

"Feeling jealous?"

"Jealous? Of that idiot? Never!""

Wha-eh? "Over that idiot" would make more sense, because otherwise it
sounds like she's jealous of him over the money he just got. Oh, there's
an extra quotation mark at the end.

"I'm sure Shampoo and Ukyo will be happy to hear that."

"They can have him for all I care!"

That's completely out of nowhere for them both: Nabiki's staking her own
claim on Ranma, why would she bring the others into the picture? And
since the other girls are not involved in any way, shape or form in the
current situation, Akane has no reason to respond that way either, even
WITH her famous leaps of logic.

A cold black void started seeping into Ranma's very being.

Heh. A void can't seep, precisely because it's a void. Grow, maybe?

He felt empty. Completely drained of all hope, all joy.
Even Cologne's Soul of Ice training had never pierced this
deeply through him.

Well, that was because the HSH training was meant to keep his emotions
in check and his mind balanced, not nonexistant. I get the gist of what
you mean, anyway.

"Stop staring and say something, Ranma! Try to think about
how I feel for once instead only thinking about yourself!"

How does she know he's "thinking only about himself"? He hasn't said a
word! Akane may jump to conclusions, but even she needs at least a
glimmer of a justification.

"Boy! You *WILL* marry Akane and that's that!"

"Don't you dare try to leave my daughter at the altar!"

Uh, having the entire family completely ignore his facial expressions or
his uncharacteristic silence is well and good, but he hasn't given them
reason to think he's opposing, either. Actually, you could have Genma
say, "Look at him, Tendou! He's so delirious with joy he can't even
speak!" And Soun, "You're right, Saotome! Let's get them married while
he's still ecstatic over the good news!" That's more IC for the both of
them, and it still presses the issue of their sudden obsession with the
wedding.

"Time to start paying off your tab, Ranma."

Now THAT, I believe XD

"Ranma!"

It was simply too much.

The letter crumpled as he balled both hands into a shaking fists.

"Ranma!!"

Something shattered deep inside of him.

"RANMA!!!"

And he ran.

OK, first point here. While I won't argue much about Akane & Co.'s
behavior, this part does seem OOC for Ranma, even an introspective one.
He just isn't the type to crumble under the pressure and run away from
it without a word. Blow up, snap at the parents, tell off Akane, snarl
at Nabiki, anything that drew an actual explosive reaction from him
would be more believable. Ranma is, if anything, highly antagonistic in
situations like this. He's not a balloon that pops and shoots away when
pricked with a needle, he's a hedgehog that raises his spines and
defends himself when threatened, civility be damned.

I see him reacting to the whole mess by verbally blasting everyone but
his father, who would be bodily tossed over the fence for ignoring his
feelings AND appropriating his inheritance money. Yes, I realize that
his feelings of solitude may have drained him emotionally as of late,
but that's even MORE reason to have him defend himself violently (though
not necessarily physically) from a world that is suddenly crashing down
on top of him.

And besides, you don't need to have him crumble and run away to
introduce your crossover setup. You can just as well have him snap and
consciously decide that he has had enough with being treated like a
commodity. This way, the setup remains perfectly available, but it
avoids showing Ranma as weak-willed or broken.

My recommendation, though? Give his emotions time to build up. Nurture
his nostalgia and longing over a few more days, have the previous scene
play out just like you did... but then have him snap at everyone, and
then wait just until the NEXT morning to have him leave the doujou. Not
by running away, though --but by realizing that he HAS missed contact
with his family, and that he needs time alone to find out what it all
means. That STILL leaves the setup perfectly accessible, and you have
two bonuses: a) build sympathy for Akane, who might be able to forgive
Ranma for snapping at her AND understand that he needs to be alone; and
b) hand out a tremendous boost in maturity to Ranma's character. Make it
a powerful enough outburst during the letter scene, and make Ranma's
introspection with Akane sympathetic enough, and you can guarantee zero
interferences from the Nerima Wrecking Crew until you actually need
them.

His only possessions were the clothes on
his back and his life savings, a 1000 yen bill.

Ten bucks?! Gah... See, this is why he should at LEAST manhandle Genma
and get his money back ;P

Was this kid serious? What did he expect to get for only a 1000 yen?

*shrug* At least a two or three roses, I think. Then again, I don't know
what flowers go for in Japan :P

He could see just how much that single word cost the youth's pride.

He doesn't know Ranma, who isn't exactly at his shiniest and brightest.
It would draw more empathy if he just understood the grief in the kid's
eyes.

He shook his head and sighed.

"A dream? Or will we wait to see?"

Eh?

Ranma stopped. He didn't know what to say. How did you speak to the

dead?

Suggestion: "How do you speak to someone you never even knew existed,
let alone met?"

"Oie! Naru!"

Um, shouldn't that be just "Oi!"? Admittedly, I've never watched the
actual TV series, and the manga isn't quite as appropriate for figuring
out individual accents ^^

"Mitsune, you're planning on going in too?"

"Mmmm, now seemed as good a time as any for a bath."

"seems"

Naru noticed that there seemed to be an uncharacteristic somberness
in her short haired shifty eyed friend's normal easygoing Kansai

accent.

"short-haired, shifty-eyed"

But it sounds a bit overwrought. Maybe "...somberness in the normal,
easygoing Kansai accent of her short-haired and shifty-eyed friend"?

She also knew why. It was the same reason the long haired cram student
had buried herself so completely in her studies recently.

"long-haired"

Then she dived in after her friend.

"dove in"? Though I believe both are correct, anyway.

The swirling water was slightly cloudy from the natural
minerals of the hot spring, compounding Naru's own problem
of nearsightedness as she tried to make out Motoko's form.

But she could see well enough that the kendo girl had brought
her sword with her into the bath again. Granted it looked a bit
smaller underwater, but what else could that thing sticking
out of her lap be?

Both her hands reached out to seize it.

The results were...unexpected.

...particularly when it just went "squish" in her grasp :P

(It's not like a *relaxing* hot bath would give way to a rise in stock.
Not unless Ranma and Priapus have a few things in common XD)

Her drinking. Her gambling. Her devious scheming. And the most

important

of them all, her natural "talents".

Like balancing salad bowls on choptsitcks, performing amazing Dance
Dance Revolution routines, and touching her earlobes with her tongue.

Say, where the heck did Motoko's breasts go?

They got out while the getting was good. And took their human attache
with them.

"EEEEEKKKK!! Pervert! Rapist! Molester! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!"

Wow! Who would have thought Ranma could reach those octaves? XD

*ducks from various thrown furniture*

Finally Naru simply couldn't take anymore, her hands letting go at

last

as she spun around in order to deliver one of her devastating

anti-pervert

haymakers.

As another reader mentioned, the mental imagery doesn't mesh here. How
was she grabbing him with both hands, unless she was backpedaling at a
*very* low angle? And if she was running backwards, she wouldn't need to
turn around for the pitch.

He managed to jump out of the way barely in the nick of time. The

bottoms of his feet

tingled from the near-miss, and he recognized this sensation with a

sinking feeling

in the pit of his already queasy stomach. It was just like when he'd

gotten pounded

on by Ryoga's Shi Shi Hokodan. Only this time without the dark taste

of depression

and anger fueling the Ki.

o_O I don't think a mere tingling on the soles of his feet feels
anything like being blasted by a full-body Shishi Hokoudan.

And a heads up to another reader, who mentioned that Ranma was lucky
that Motoko's attack didn't hit: Ranma survived being hit by multiple
vacuum blades VASTLY stronger than this and was no worse for wear.

But then Suu had entered the kitchen while snacking on some bananas.
The tanned mad hacker/inventor had denied any involvement in the

ruckus

outside and was actually rather peeved that she hadn't been invited to
the mayhem.

Really? I thought she'd be dancing in joy and leaping headfirst into all
the commotion ^_^

He'd forgotten how much Ki attacks hurt. They did less physical damage

then

regular attacks, but since they attacked the spirit directly he

actually

felt them a lot more.

Actually, they do a LOT more damage in the Ranmaverse. Even going just
from the SHD storyline.

And it would be much better for his health if he was not here when she

arrived.

Ranma's so much faster, more durable and stronger than Motoko that it's
not even funny. I'll avoid turning this into a SFT, though. XP



Anyway, though it desperately needs a [LIME] tag, the setup is funny and
works very nicely. All in all, my only recommendations would still be:

a) Develop Ranma's introspection and personal choice to leave the Tendou
home over a bit more time.

b) Please, PLEASE allow the sentences to make full paragraphs. I always
bug other authors about this (*waves at Wanderer D*) because it's much
more natural to follow a set of ideas than to go through a checklist.

Now, as for whether Ranma could fill Keitaro's shoes, it's a non-issue.
They're far too different to compare accurately; some qualities Ranma
has, Keitaro lacks, and viceversa. Ranma has the spine and will to
provide an effective foil to Naru and Motoko's preconceptions and
violent tendencies, and if he's allowed to become Shinobu's
brother-figure, he can do wonders for her self-esteem. He doesn't have
the drive to attend Toudai, no... but Motoko herself and Seita are more
than enough for him to regain his confidence in the usefulness of his
school --not as some mythical "Art" that only serves itself, but as the
means to protect others and find his own balance. I'd actually look
forward to him facing Motoko's sister >:D


Jorge A. Pratt
jorgepratt@prodigy.net.mx
terbril@rocketmail.com



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