Still a couple of hours before sleep, so I'll get to more of my review
queue.
The following words not of the original author are merely suggestive opinion
to be used or not used at the original author's leisure.
I'll immediately start by stating I've not gone through the second chapter
for critique purposese yet. The first chapter caught far too much of my
attention. It was made obvious that I only really skimmed through the first
two readings of this story (both the initial release and the 1-2
combination). There is, to me, one glaring problem that both discredits
your plot devices and the expected tone, and that is prose style. The lines
being delivered are forced, from begining to end, with little to no detail
inbetween.
To state examples:
(Scene 1-1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 1: Memory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The scene was blurry and faded by the passage of time
and numerous impacts by blunt objects to the head.
But he could still see the sandbox.
And the plump stuffed beaver animal doll.
He would never ever forget anything looking *that* silly.
"Do you want to know a secret?"
Two kids were playing in the sand, one slightly bigger then other.
He couldn't make out their faces, only vague shadows and impressions.
"If two people go to Todai together, they'll find their happiness there."
This is the starting point where setting detail begins to disappear
entirely. It feels as though you're not giving your reader enough detail to
flesh out the scene with. There is only an implied feeling of a dreamlike
haze state to rely on.
He wanted to find happiness too.
He opened his mouth to call out to them, but only silence emerged.
"Let's make a promise to meet in Todai."
He wanted to go too!
He started running toward them as fast as he could, trying to catch up
to them before they vanished like they always did.
Here also is the start of too deep of an introspection POV for our main
character without proper backup. The reader is being told of what the
character is feeling instead of observing his growing anxieties and inner
battles. It becomes a staple for the remainder of this chapter, save for
several points.
*SNIP*
(Scene 1-2)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Ugggh, what the hell was I dreaming about this time?"
The last wispy fragments slipped through his mental grasp like quicksilver,
vanishing along with the last holdouts of the previous night in the
blindingly
bright morning sun. He hated that feeling of not being able to remember
anything.
Here, you're giving more description, more detail to his feelings rather
than implying and forcing them. I'd suggest following up on this, filling
out the scenery, characters, etc, and utilizing them to explore Ranma's
sudden moods.
*SNIP*
The Tendos didn't have the slightest clue of how good they had it here.
There had been times on the training trip when Ranma would have happily
kicked somebody else's ass to be able to sleep on a real mattress.
The brisk morning chill in the air worked better then any cup of coffee
to shake the last cobwebs of slumber from his body. From his new vantage
point he was able to see that the angle of the light streaming in from
the window was relatively low, indicating that he probably hadn't overslept
much.
Again, more examples of detail that flows with a more natural tone as
opposed to stating his state of being to the reader.
A pity, he could have used the extra rest.
One quick glance across the room was enough to verify that Genma wasn't
here.
With a regretful look, he got up and stepped away
>from the tempation of simply going back to sleep.
I'm at an ends here. As far as I know with Ranma (the one manga and two or
so boxsets of anime I've experienced), he's always slept back to back with
his father. Why would he be looking across the room? Did he, at some
point, move to the window? If so, detail is needed.
*SNIP*
(Scene 2)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now here, you become more heavy handed with pointing out how Ranma feels.
This jars the reading experience (enough that it surprised me how much I
missed in my first two readings of the story) because you focus soley on his
introspecitve POV, and ignore/discard everything else. There is a great
deal of opportunity to detail (I'm using that word too much) his same
feelings through character/setting reactions. As is...
{What am I missing?}
Ranma had been so preoccupied that he'd hardly tasted breakfast.
It might as well have been mush and gruel,
he probably wouldn't have noticed any difference.
Even the absence of Soun and Genma barely registered.
{Am I happy?}
He was really starting to dislike this feeling.
{Shouldn't I be?}
This kind of uncertainty had no business in his life.
He was a martial artist.
One of the best.
He had to be, otherwise that would mean the last ten years
of his life had been wasted for nothing.
*SNIP*
Tired of putting up with the strange looks that Akane and Nabiki
had been giving him all morning he'd decided to go out for a walk.
It had taken him a bit longer to lose them when they'd tried
to follow him. But the final outcome had never been in doubt.
After all, neither one of them were up to roof hopping.
... It ends up jumbling together in one huge blur of white space, where the
reader has to assume things happen instead of being shown. If not for the
scene change, the reader would have missed the brief note that he was at the
breakfast table. I, personally, DID miss the segment above, where suddenly
he was from the breakfast table, and en-route to Fruinkan with Nabiki and
Akane.
As well as that...
Now he was just randomly strolling along the streets of Nerima,
taking care to keep a safe distance from the Nekohanten and
Ucchan's Okonomiyaki restaurant. The longer he could put off
running into someone that he knew, the better. He didn't feel
up to another one of those all out free-for-alls that seemed
to be breaking out more and more frequently lately.
Damn it, what was wrong with him today?!
"Thank you Gwan-ma!"
He turned to see a cute little tyke who didn't look a day
over five give a wrinkled old woman a warm hug.
It was nothing. Just a simple family scene.
And yet, something held his attention there.
...there's also the impacts that you're basing your initial plot device
behind that become neglected due to all the mass amounts of white space.
Why not have Ranma assaulted with the daily grind of "Being Ranma Saotome in
Nerima"? He could be forced to deal with Nabiki and Akane during breakfast,
then maybe Kodachi and Shampoo on the way to school (I mention Kodachi
because her psychotic behavior is reason enough to warrant a ditch day at
school, merely to get away from her).
Without that detail, the reader is literally taken from the dream, to this
observational discovery of lonliness, to...
*SNIP*
(Scene 3)
...the hook, the meat and potatoes that you need to begin your tale. I'm
not a gambling man, but I'd bet that the entire letter ordeal would be a
great deal more powerful if there was more scenery before it takes place.
As is, it feels like a short, forced prologue. The reader unfamilar with
Ranma 1/2 would not have TOO much difficulty going through the story thus
far. The familiar "Ranma fan", however, would likely be screaming bloody
murder (though I'm sure from the past two days of commentary, that much is
evident. ^^;). I almost guarantee both sets of readers will be put off by
the white space.
*SNIP*
were those yen notes his old man was holding?
And for the grammar side, "were" should be capitilized. ^_^
*SNIP*
"Perfect! We can hold the wedding ceremony immediately, Saotome!
After all these years, our retirement of beer and shogi has come!"
Also, I've a question. I've already stated how familiar with Ranma (not
much, given the veterans around here, unless you count fanfiction, and I'm
not), but I've not really seen, or recall seeing, Soun being this blatant
about his overall motive of being a lazy flea on his children's hard work.
Has he before, cannon-wise?
*SNIP*
The following chapter, as I said, I've not gotten to. I'll come to it
later, since I'm sure it doesn't have as critical a situation as the initial
chapter. And, in my opinion, chapter one has a critical flaw holding it
down. Without more detail, more characterization both outside and inside of
Ranma's introspective POV, the hook does fall short of what I can guess was
intended.
I'm very interested in this concept, as I've always been. It has the
twofold potential of allowing Ranma (and maybe his cast) to grow and mature,
as well as seeing the Love Hina cast do the same (though they did to the
manga, the tone always catered more to cheesecake and sight gags than any
serious development). I'm very interested in seeing how you'll pull this
mix off, since I'm sure you can, so I hope at least some of these
observations assist you in some way.
Good luck with the story, and again, thanks for sharing.
- Kenji M.
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